mama26719

Well, its been a few weeks since I have taken a stand against my AH, and let me tell ya the manipulation and lies have been a real hoot. (enter sarcasm here) I have started alanon meetings, started basic counseling, and am looking into going back to school. These are all great steps for me, but I still feel like I am unraveling. And maybe I am.....Maybe I am unraveling from around him, but God it hurts so bad. I am trying so hard to detach and to just let him do what he is gonna do, cause I am really accepting that there is NOTHING I can do for him. I am hurting for me, and I am hurting for our girls. He has not called once in about a week to see how they are doing. Granted I do not want him near them when he is out of control, so I am grateful he doesn't seem to be using them as pawns in this lovely game, but it hurts so bad to know that I love someone who could just throw them away. Shows me that I do not really know who it is I am married to anyways. That all these years of trying to support him, has really been for nothing. So I guess I am just having a fall apart moment, where I can't seem to get it together, but I figured this was a safer outlet then trying to contact him.....that would be pointless. So thanks for "listening". Im so tired of being so hurt. Here's to tomorrow being a better day

jerect

There have been many times where I have felt that you do right now.. so hang in there.

This is defenitly a ONE DAY AT A TIME process.. and somedays are going to be better then others.

Good for you for reaching out here on Sober Recovery instead of calling your AH and getting pulled back into his lies etc.. It is really hard to unravel yourself from a loved ones addiction because we are often very much sucked into their problems and their messes.. It's very tempting to go back and try to fix things one more time even though we know that things will never be fixed until the addict is ready to do this on their own.

There is a really good book out there called Codpendent No More, it has been my bible and my saving grace through my issues with my AH. I think you will gain a lot of insight by reading it.

Good Luck to you and Welcome to SR

Ann

Mama, I have found that the difference between a bad day and a good day is usually about 2 days.

Most of us have our share of bad days or sad days but they are still better than the days of lies and chaos and fear.

You are wise to come share here when you need to talk it out, and your children are blessed to have a mama who is looking out for what is best for them.

Keeping you all in my prayers.

Hugs

Suspicious

I had my share of relationships with bad boys that I thought I could love them 'better'. I didnt realize it was a codie thing but I had realized that I had no power to change anyone and just how useless it was to even think I could/should be able to mold someone into my mr perfect. when I met AH I was so relieved to have found someone that was great already. Not perfect but really great. He had his blips in his past but as I had done my share of partying back in the day and come out with no addictions just lifes lessons I thought he was the same. And to be honest, I still dont totally believe that his past dabbling was leading to this. I just think the pain meds did something for him that none of that other stuff never had. He wasnt on the continuous search for the right substance... when we met he (still) drank maybe a couple beers a couple times a year. No pot.

All I know is that if the end result of all this is I end up detaching to the point I end the marriage I will NEVER be able to trust my first impression instinct again. Even tho I truly believe that if he had never been injured and given pain meds this would NOT have happened. Even tho I do think my instincts were spot on with him when I met him I will never be able to look at a person and feel secure that they would never fall prey to substance abuse.

sunnygirl68

Mama, I know right where you are even though it's been over a year since I went through the "detachment" phase. Keep up with your Nar-Anon, it literally saved my life and my sanity. Just remember that it isn't that he doesnt love you enough, just that the drugs have such a stronghold on him. I look back now at the person that he was while he was on the drugs and I KNOW that wasn't the person I fell in love with, the drugs overtook him and turned him into someone I didn't know.

The best thing about the detachment is that now I dont have to worry anymore, no stress worrying about where he is, who he his with, if he stole money, in jail, lied to me...etc.

I remember when I first started Nar-Anon and friends and family would say "Do what makes you happy", I was dumbfounded, I DID NOT KNOW what made me happy, I had spent the last 15 years of my life making everyone else happy! That was a true eye opener. I worked the steps and then eventually one day, I felt this lightness in my chest and realized I was truly feeling happy, it was a wonderful feeling.

When you take the focus off of your addict and place it on yourself, you truly learn what makes you happy and you eventually get happy.

Hang in there...it WILL get better, I promise.

mama26719

Thank you guys for all the support. The last couple nights have been really hard, cause well thats when I am finally alone and don't have to put on a happy face for my kids and family. Its when my thoughts finally take over and its overwhelming sometimes. Its not so much my "husband" that i miss, cause lets face it he hasn't been that for a long time, but I miss my best friend. And I miss what COULD have been I guess. And I am mad at myself for putting up with this for so long and STILL missing him. gr.

I hate feeling like I have no control....not over his life, but my own. I wish I could just go out there find a great job and support my kids. I know I will be able to in time, I of course want a quick fix. Isn't that what got me here?? **sigh** Oh well. I am trying to move on.

I have to see him today because his last check was sent to my house. I hate handing him any money, but I know there is nothing I can do about it. He's gonna do what he is gonna do. Once again, I am the one who has to adjust, I just have to have faith that someday I am gonna look back on this and be able to say....Wow your life was f*&@#d up, but look at where you are now.

findmyway

Thank you, your story is really useful to me as I am stiill a couple steps behind you. I know how hard it is to leave- and you are a great mom for doing it!
Blessings.

mama26719

Findmyway....

Im glad something in my story helps. I have been right where you were, with the nice house, the luxury cars, the whole american dream, but eventually his addictions took over, and we lost them all. We now have nothing. So I am grateful that you have found this site, and hopefully meetings too to help you before it gets to that. I wish that I would have a lot earlier. But I guess you live and you learn right? Good luck on your journey as well. And congrats on your new baby too. I know how hard this is with a new little one, cause well I found out how bad it was when i was seven months pregnant. Its hard, but I will be thinking of you!