Looking for support: Loving a Prescription Addict
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Dryden, NY
Posts: 3
Looking for support: Loving a Prescription Addict
Betrayed again...after all these years, it still cuts so deeply! I've been married to my prescription addict for more than 16 years. We've been through rehab and three separations. Life has stabilized, our kids are growing up, and I still feel like I'm all alone in this. People who don't live with it, simply don't understand. With painkiller addiction, there's no smell, no criminal element (at least not in our situation), the addict justifies with genuine physical issues and prescriptions from doctors...it is insidious...he can be clean for weeks, and then, out of the blue, he's high again.
He refuses to work a program and I'm so tired of living with the constant upheaval, I just look away. How pathetic! If I ask him to leave, I will loose the house. I'm not interested in getting a divorce, I'm committed to my marriage...but as far as I'm concerned, he can drop dead.
What happened this time? I've herniated a disk in my back. Once the initial injury was over, I only needed painkillers for breakthrough pain...occasionally. The doctor reluctantly gave me 12, which would have lasted me 6 months--I'm not much of a pill taker. My husband took them all, replaced them with blood pressure medicine and left me to suffer with the pain. I know, in his heart of hearts, he is not a cruel man, but his addiction is a cruel disease and I am once again devastated.
People around me don't get it. They don't know why I stay. They don't understand why this is part of the "in sickness and health" commitment. He goes to work every day, always comes home, always brings home his paycheck, cooks and cleans. He's a loving husband and father...but he's an addict. I've worked my own program for years, yet I remain...
Anyway, I am hoping to find a few other spouses or family members of prescription addicts to add to my support network. If you are interested in developing a small virtual support group, or have one I can join, please write back.
Sad in Central NY
He refuses to work a program and I'm so tired of living with the constant upheaval, I just look away. How pathetic! If I ask him to leave, I will loose the house. I'm not interested in getting a divorce, I'm committed to my marriage...but as far as I'm concerned, he can drop dead.
What happened this time? I've herniated a disk in my back. Once the initial injury was over, I only needed painkillers for breakthrough pain...occasionally. The doctor reluctantly gave me 12, which would have lasted me 6 months--I'm not much of a pill taker. My husband took them all, replaced them with blood pressure medicine and left me to suffer with the pain. I know, in his heart of hearts, he is not a cruel man, but his addiction is a cruel disease and I am once again devastated.
People around me don't get it. They don't know why I stay. They don't understand why this is part of the "in sickness and health" commitment. He goes to work every day, always comes home, always brings home his paycheck, cooks and cleans. He's a loving husband and father...but he's an addict. I've worked my own program for years, yet I remain...
Anyway, I am hoping to find a few other spouses or family members of prescription addicts to add to my support network. If you are interested in developing a small virtual support group, or have one I can join, please write back.
Sad in Central NY
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi welcome to sr.
you have come to a great place for support. the people here have literally saved my sanity. my husband of 23yrs is the addict in my life and for 21yrs, i felt the same as you. i valued my marriage vows and stayed until i found this site and found out that i was co dependant and not crazy. i had to leave(still married so far) to save myself, me waiting and sticking around would have been the death of me, i know.
now i'm also a recovering addict with 8ys, my family walked away from me allowing me to suffer the consequences of my own actions, they allowed me to hit my bottom. that was the only way that i could see for myself how destructive and out of control my life had become, and that forced me into rehab and recovery. today i'm so grateful for their actions. i feel they gave me a chance at life, by letting me see for myself that i didn't have one being a drug addicted
i'm sorry you are having to go through all of this, its gotta be hard, being the behaviors are basically the same. his addiction will get progressively worse if left untreated and there is nothing you can do or say to make him want to do different.
focus more on you, read the stickies at the top of the forum page, alanon and naranon are good f2f support groups for family and friends, keep reading here and posting, set boundaries for yourself and be wiling to follow through with consequences if crossed.
the question is what are you willing to live with and for how long.
i'm praying for you and your family
you have come to a great place for support. the people here have literally saved my sanity. my husband of 23yrs is the addict in my life and for 21yrs, i felt the same as you. i valued my marriage vows and stayed until i found this site and found out that i was co dependant and not crazy. i had to leave(still married so far) to save myself, me waiting and sticking around would have been the death of me, i know.
now i'm also a recovering addict with 8ys, my family walked away from me allowing me to suffer the consequences of my own actions, they allowed me to hit my bottom. that was the only way that i could see for myself how destructive and out of control my life had become, and that forced me into rehab and recovery. today i'm so grateful for their actions. i feel they gave me a chance at life, by letting me see for myself that i didn't have one being a drug addicted
i'm sorry you are having to go through all of this, its gotta be hard, being the behaviors are basically the same. his addiction will get progressively worse if left untreated and there is nothing you can do or say to make him want to do different.
focus more on you, read the stickies at the top of the forum page, alanon and naranon are good f2f support groups for family and friends, keep reading here and posting, set boundaries for yourself and be wiling to follow through with consequences if crossed.
the question is what are you willing to live with and for how long.
i'm praying for you and your family
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
I am hoping to find a few other spouses or family members of prescription addicts to add to my support network. If you are interested in developing a small virtual support group, or have one I can join, please write back.
You are here...and you came to the right place.
My AH is an opiate addict as well. We have been together 10 years and he has been addicted to them the whole time. Brief "dry" times in between....detox, rehab, methadone clinics, suboxone, etc etc etc.....
You're right....it can be a very quiet disease and they are "functioning addicts" for the most part as far as everyone else can see.
Until they are "jammed"....and then you feel like you are THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN SEE IT. Which, for the most part is true. This is due to the fact that we spend ALL OF OUR WAKING TIME scrutinizing their every move. You have been "studying" this man for 16 years...you are a pro at it.
Their world of addiction is maddening and a very unhealthy place for us to reside. He has to want to get help for himself and there is nothing you can do to change that. It's unfortunate, and "defeating" and most of us refuse to let go because we feel obligated to do everything we can for the ones we love.
Once you realize that "standing by your man" is enabling his addiction...things will become more clear. Letting him go is part of the process of his own recovery and yours.
It took me 10 years to figure that The First Step is for us too.
Read EVERYTHING you can on here. You are not alone. We understand.
We are here....you have come to the right place and we will all help you along way.
You are here...and you came to the right place.
My AH is an opiate addict as well. We have been together 10 years and he has been addicted to them the whole time. Brief "dry" times in between....detox, rehab, methadone clinics, suboxone, etc etc etc.....
You're right....it can be a very quiet disease and they are "functioning addicts" for the most part as far as everyone else can see.
Until they are "jammed"....and then you feel like you are THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN SEE IT. Which, for the most part is true. This is due to the fact that we spend ALL OF OUR WAKING TIME scrutinizing their every move. You have been "studying" this man for 16 years...you are a pro at it.
Their world of addiction is maddening and a very unhealthy place for us to reside. He has to want to get help for himself and there is nothing you can do to change that. It's unfortunate, and "defeating" and most of us refuse to let go because we feel obligated to do everything we can for the ones we love.
Once you realize that "standing by your man" is enabling his addiction...things will become more clear. Letting him go is part of the process of his own recovery and yours.
It took me 10 years to figure that The First Step is for us too.
Read EVERYTHING you can on here. You are not alone. We understand.
We are here....you have come to the right place and we will all help you along way.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
I have been living in your hell for three years now... for three years I have stood by waiting and hoping that my AH would change and become a partner and a friend rather then continuing to be the immature adult that he is. I have wasted three years of my life, three years that I can't get back.. This doesn't make me sad anymore, it just makes me angry, angry at myself for allowing myself to be in this situation.
I'm torn between being committed to my marriage and being committed to me.. I know that I cannot live like this much longer and I deserve a better life and a better relationship then this. Like I said, I'm torn. However, I surrendered this problem to my HP and have asked for help. I know that my HP will steer me in the right direction and things will happen at the right time when they are supposed to happen. My HP has never EVER let me down. I have much more serenity and peace with myself and my life then I have had in a long time.
In the meantime while I'm waiting for the next instruction from my HP, I have made a commitment to ME. I have committed to taking care of myself, physically, mentally and spiritually. I exercise, I eat right, I do nice little things for myself and I make sure that I'm not just existing I'm LIVING.. LIVING MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST, every single day. I cannot control what my AH husband does or doesn't do but I have full control over what I do and how I choose to live my life.
Yes, it's very frustrating to live with someone who is just existing and I have learned that if I allow myself I can just exist too, but today I'm choosing not too..
Lovespilladdict, your in the right place.. we all have loved ones in our lives that are addicted to pills or other substances and we all struggle with the same things you do. I hope that you will find a special place hear among us.. WELCOME
I'm torn between being committed to my marriage and being committed to me.. I know that I cannot live like this much longer and I deserve a better life and a better relationship then this. Like I said, I'm torn. However, I surrendered this problem to my HP and have asked for help. I know that my HP will steer me in the right direction and things will happen at the right time when they are supposed to happen. My HP has never EVER let me down. I have much more serenity and peace with myself and my life then I have had in a long time.
In the meantime while I'm waiting for the next instruction from my HP, I have made a commitment to ME. I have committed to taking care of myself, physically, mentally and spiritually. I exercise, I eat right, I do nice little things for myself and I make sure that I'm not just existing I'm LIVING.. LIVING MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST, every single day. I cannot control what my AH husband does or doesn't do but I have full control over what I do and how I choose to live my life.
Yes, it's very frustrating to live with someone who is just existing and I have learned that if I allow myself I can just exist too, but today I'm choosing not too..
Lovespilladdict, your in the right place.. we all have loved ones in our lives that are addicted to pills or other substances and we all struggle with the same things you do. I hope that you will find a special place hear among us.. WELCOME
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
I am also married to a pill addict. I'm currently going through some maddening things with my husband so I can't really offer you adivce, but I can tell you that the people on here can be a wealth of support and knowledge.
Being hooked on pain killers is like living a double life. When he finally went to rehab and I had to tell my family and friends what was going on they were completely shocked because no one would have suspected he was addicted to drugs.
Welcome and I wish you all the best.
Being hooked on pain killers is like living a double life. When he finally went to rehab and I had to tell my family and friends what was going on they were completely shocked because no one would have suspected he was addicted to drugs.
Welcome and I wish you all the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Dryden, NY
Posts: 3
So grateful for you all!!!
I cannot begin to express how much your responses mean to me. You are all right...the world doesn't see it...although my kids have begun noticing. I'm not looking for a way out...at least not right now. But it helps SO much to know that there are others out there who completely understand.
I started a blog over a year ago, and no one has ever found it, which probably only let to my sense of isolation. Perhaps this is a better place for my thoughts that blog lost among the millions on the www.
Blessings!
I started a blog over a year ago, and no one has ever found it, which probably only let to my sense of isolation. Perhaps this is a better place for my thoughts that blog lost among the millions on the www.
Blessings!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Jerect is right - you're in the right place. Welcome to SR, although I'm sorry you are having to deal with addiction, you will find much experience, strength, and hope here. My husband was on/off pills for a long time. It took me years.....years....to understand myself better and realize that I needed more than a husband who passed out eating his Cheerios. My rAH is clean now, but I understand what you're going through. That "in sickness and in health" is what I felt for a long time too. I'll stop there for now, just wanted to say hello....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Just wanted to say hello & I understand what you are going through. My AH is a pill addict who has chronic back and neck pain & rationalizes to himself to keep binging because of the "pain". I went through years of hell, kicking him out, taking him back in with his false promises of "really trying this time", trying to control his meds, hiding his meds, snooping in his stuff, trying to reason with him, you name it I prob tried it.
I became physically & mentally exhausted trying to hold onto my marriage because I took my vows seriously and was determined not to fail again.
All I sucueeded in was nearly losing my sanity. Time after time I came here trying to make sense of it all. Despairing, hopeless and resigning myself to living the next 30 years in hell. Not even to mention what it was doing to the kids. What I was doing to my kids by enabling him to continue his addiction in our home.
One day Anvil posted something that stuck in this thick head of mine, she said when is this not going to be good enough for you anymore, how long are you going to be happy with half a husband?
I finally figured out that he was not going to get better until he decided to and that he needed to live his life as he saw fit and face the consequences of his addiction. So I loved him enough to let him go. For my kids, for me and for him.
Yes he's sick but I came to the opinion that he was making all of us sick and it had to stop. I was continuing the sickness by enabling him. For me it was this, raising my kids under his addiction was damaging them. It was making me lose my sanity.
Yes I feel guilt at times but I know it was what I had to do. I upheld my vows, he did not. I did not give up on him, he gave up on us.
I'm glad your here, your not alone
Hugs,
Teggie
I became physically & mentally exhausted trying to hold onto my marriage because I took my vows seriously and was determined not to fail again.
All I sucueeded in was nearly losing my sanity. Time after time I came here trying to make sense of it all. Despairing, hopeless and resigning myself to living the next 30 years in hell. Not even to mention what it was doing to the kids. What I was doing to my kids by enabling him to continue his addiction in our home.
One day Anvil posted something that stuck in this thick head of mine, she said when is this not going to be good enough for you anymore, how long are you going to be happy with half a husband?
I finally figured out that he was not going to get better until he decided to and that he needed to live his life as he saw fit and face the consequences of his addiction. So I loved him enough to let him go. For my kids, for me and for him.
Yes he's sick but I came to the opinion that he was making all of us sick and it had to stop. I was continuing the sickness by enabling him. For me it was this, raising my kids under his addiction was damaging them. It was making me lose my sanity.
Yes I feel guilt at times but I know it was what I had to do. I upheld my vows, he did not. I did not give up on him, he gave up on us.
I'm glad your here, your not alone
Hugs,
Teggie
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
Hi LPA - Another loved-one of a pill addict. My abf and I have been together for almost 10 years. I just wanted to say hi and tell you that you are definitely not alone. We all understand the pain you are going through.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
I too am going through the same thing. My AH of 25 years moved out in early december (which was probaly a blessing for me) but at the time I didnt see it that way.
I went through such anger and tried constantly to get him help but the pressure and argueing became too much so he left. I continued the fight with
him up until 2 weeks ago as after reading this forum (THANK YOU) I realized I was still enabling him.
I am now going through mourning and last week took the advice of helping myself and went to counseling. It was the best thing I have done, wish I went years before, but like many I felt our love for each other and my devotion to our marriage and helping him was doing him good..NOT..it was the opposite, I was enabling him.
since that time he has run out of money and lives day to day in his drugged
state and I just pray he survives.
I am attending my first in person meeting tonight, little nervous but I know
it will help.
I am not filing for a divorce as my therapist thinks more stress and anger will hurt me and the situation. I protected our assets the day he left so he couldnt get into any accounts so that is another reason I can wait to file.
this isnt easy on any of us and we are all here to support each other, you are not alone and you will see this forum is very informative so please read the posts. (I printed them out and read them over and over again which helps) hang in there, stay strong and have hope...hugssssss
I went through such anger and tried constantly to get him help but the pressure and argueing became too much so he left. I continued the fight with
him up until 2 weeks ago as after reading this forum (THANK YOU) I realized I was still enabling him.
I am now going through mourning and last week took the advice of helping myself and went to counseling. It was the best thing I have done, wish I went years before, but like many I felt our love for each other and my devotion to our marriage and helping him was doing him good..NOT..it was the opposite, I was enabling him.
since that time he has run out of money and lives day to day in his drugged
state and I just pray he survives.
I am attending my first in person meeting tonight, little nervous but I know
it will help.
I am not filing for a divorce as my therapist thinks more stress and anger will hurt me and the situation. I protected our assets the day he left so he couldnt get into any accounts so that is another reason I can wait to file.
this isnt easy on any of us and we are all here to support each other, you are not alone and you will see this forum is very informative so please read the posts. (I printed them out and read them over and over again which helps) hang in there, stay strong and have hope...hugssssss
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