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Hey Ali, I have followed this thread and you are amazing. I doubt I could have gone from 0 to 100 so quickly. Your comprehension and acceptance of all of this IS inspirational. I do have a question though do you think being in AA and having worked steps or heard the message from AA has made this easier to accept? It's hard enough to be an addict or alcoholic in recovery and then have to deal with being the spouse of one and have to deal with that too? It makes sense to me that for you being in recovery and having your sobriety threatened by his behavior has warp sped your ability to get to the root of all of this so fast and get some peace. Some here stay stuck for a long long time and I guess my question is what do you think was the biggest factor in getting your peace so quickly? And if you don't feel like answering this don't, no biggie. Thanks so much for sharing your story here with us and I will keep following along. Hugs to you. |
Sofacat: "Now that I understand the rules...and follow directions, my life is getting better and better every day". And that is what all this boils down to. :-) Thanks for everything you've done Coffeedrinker. Including that vital phone call. Making you and everyone in here very real. LIVE: Chill Pills! I love it. It helps ease the life and death of it all. I don't need that life and death grip! Endsy. :-) My first friend. Meditation thanks for that! I now have an image to live up too it seems! That alone might get me through the God-knows-how-many-days we'll be stuck in this house scenario. I'm glad you asked what you did. As writing it out at this point will make it all the more clear. That's important for me. Need to put it all in perspective for future reference. One more little thing, since he works second shift he's not around to see the kids in the evenings or mornings (sleeping) pretty much all week. This eases a bit of guilt. For both him and the kids. As I have no doubt it would be much harder on both ends if dad was there for dinner and bedtime. They already spend one night at grandma's most weekends as it is. He can take them anytime he wants. He loves these kids and they love him. Okay... "what do you think was the biggest factor in getting your peace so quickly?" Short answer. SR. Let's face it none of this would have happened had I not come here. No doubt being active in the other fellowship was vital. I just realized I kept referring to Alanon and I'm in the substance abuse forum (I'm silly). Anyway, if you ask me, all these fellowships needs to point the newcomer in this one direction as soon as possible: HUMILITY We can't listen if we think we know our situation better than the 125,878,575 people who were right where we are before. Now, with that said. Working the AA program hard for 2 1/2 years. Having insight, a spiritual experience, helping others, chairing meetings, Secretary meetings, going on institution commitments... Guess what I lost? HUMILITY Remember my ego on the first couple pages? Yikes! I had no idea how far from Humility I strayed. But, Because I did experience it full throttle as a newcomer in AA, I think perhaps I was able to get it back relatively quickly. I define humility as: Not thinking more OR less of yourself than who you really are. Once that is understood and put into practice as best one can. All the wiring in the brain gets redone. Before it gets redone - It gets UNDONE. We get sicker before we get better. That gem also helped. As I knew this would all pass. I can now have a new connection with newcomers in AA because of my experience on this side of the universe. I had no idea I was losing that precious gift. The gift of connecting. That sheer naked compassion. My sponsor gave me an appropriate dose of compassion, at the same time, she let me know that who I was, was unacceptable. I only thought I was giving compassion. I only thought I was feeling it. I surrendered to you. I listened, I was but the village idiot! ;-) As CofeeDrinkers Signature says: Watch that first step, It's a doozy! I think now I can post some topics on a more structured basis. Hopefully, there won't HAVE to be anymore 5 page threads! :-) |
Originally Posted by cessy68
(Post 2511113)
Hey there hon, don't know if this is going to help or confuse you more, BUT I will tell you what my therapist told me, about MY part in things, and his own personal opinion about us codies, and 'acceptance', and his struggles with 'acceptance'. (by the way, my therapist happens to be a big-wig of sorts in the AA community around here, he is a sponsor to many, and has 24 years clean and sober from drugs and alcohol....which led him to his current career). K. Here we go. He wrote me a note on one of his business cards, and it said, "I AM NOT THE PROBLEM". He asked me to focus on this. I told him that 'perhaps' I made mountains outta molehills etc.... and he said, "no, you made a bad choice in a partner, (and previous partners) and that is something we will work on". 2nd. About acceptance. He said that even HE, a seasoned professional in this arena, says that if you have acceptance, that means that you 'accept' that they have a drug problem, and regardless, live with it...... which means that your trust will be compromised, which means your intamicy will be compromised, etc. THEREFORE, one should ask themselves "what's the sense? Is this what I want for a 'relationship'?" simply because to accept means you can't 'expect' to get YOUR needs met by your partner, because they are on some levels INCAPABLE of giving that to YOU. SOOOOOO, again, it goes back to why bother trying to have acceptance? In essence you are allowing yourself to have a relationship with someone, built in utter dysfunction, becasue the 'basic' needs within a relationship WILL be compromised by drug addiction. |
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