Deep thoughts on my birthday

Old 02-05-2010, 04:09 AM
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Deep thoughts on my birthday

Today is my birthday and I'm in a weird place of reflection and angst. I haven't not had a birthday with my husband in 15 years. I've never had a birthday where he didn't try in some way to make me feel like the most important woman in the world.

I haven't seen my R?AH in a few days. I go from feeling helpless to feeling angry to feeling so strong that I will do this. He and I went through years of infertility and I always compared those emotions with a roller coaster, but this is far worse. Not knowing if he is using, not knowing if he will ever come around and see his son, not knowing if I'll lose my house, the list goes on and on!

I'm pretty sure he is using right now. He swears he isn't. In all the years of his drug abuse he never, never disappeared like he has now (it has been 3 weeks since he stayed here). He has told me that he isn't using and he is attending meetings. He said he can't come around because the house and our fighting is a trigger for him. He says he needs more time to get strength before he can be back here for long periods of time. It just seems like a way to avoid and a way to keep me from having actual evidence of his using. He will call our son and/or stop by ever few days (it went from everyday to now we're on 3 days with no visit), but they are very quick visits unless I go next door or another part of the house. I get the whole trigger thing, but I will not be accused of being the reason for his addiction.

His parents are so codependent and are flipping out on me because we should be doing everything humanly possible to get to the bottom of what is going on. So, I'm accused of being a horrible wife because I'm "not loving him enough." If it were up to them they would find him and tie him to a bed for years. His father said he is ashamed that I'm not trying to help my husband. I told him that nothing we do is going to make him get help or come around to telling us what is going on he needs to come to that on his own. They said they won't give up like I am. I'm not giving up-he has and I have to face the reality.

I'm embarrassed to say this, but I sometimes just wish he would just finalize what he has barely avoided for so many years and that is OD. I want him to live a happy, productive life, but it is proving to be too hard. If his life will continue to be filled with turmoil and cause pain and heart ache than if he were to kill himself with the drugs at least he would finally be able to be at peace. Wow, did I just type that? I'm sure so many of you have felt that before. I don't wish him dead-I just wish he didn't live with the addiction and at this point I'm not sure I see any other way out for him.

I'm just very sad that a 18 year friendship, a 15 year relationship, a 6 year marriage, and the relationship between a father and his son has been destroyed. I can't change it or control it so I feel I need to mourn it.
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Old 02-05-2010, 04:35 AM
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Happy Birthday

I'm sorry your going thru all of this -- on what should be YOUR special day.
If you can, just try to focus on you today, do something nice for yourself.
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Old 02-05-2010, 04:46 AM
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Happy Birthday aah! Special days are sometimes the hardest to get through for us codies, but maybe do something extra special for yourself today, or take the kids out for a birthday dinner, and just make the best of it.

You sound like you are at a good point of "acceptance" and I know that, for me, I needed to get there before I could let go of the need to rescue what was not mine to rescue, and begin a grieving process of sorts that led to the road of healing.

It doesn't matter what his parents think, we each deal with addiction of our loved ones differently, and it sounds like they have not reached the acceptance level yet.

Keeping you all in my prayers.

And, again, :day1
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Old 02-05-2010, 05:05 AM
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Old 02-05-2010, 05:13 AM
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Happy Birthday! Do something, anything, but super spectacular for your birthday. Your AH won't expect you to carry on and nurture yourself on your birthday. But by doing so, you will make a statement! What a gift you yourself.
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Old 02-05-2010, 05:26 AM
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you are special so do something to make yourself feel special. who cares what his parents think, you know the truth and thats all that matters. they'll figure it out sooner or later.

happy bday aah. :day2
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Old 02-05-2010, 06:14 AM
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Every year on my birthday I do something that I have never done can be something simple....or it can be something major.

Being with an A for 10 years....I decided that that would be the one time of the year that I would be completely uninhibited and selfish! It's nice. Makes me feel accomplished and alive.

Have this day for yourself and be totally selfish and get to have another Birthday after all...that in itself is a gift.

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Old 02-05-2010, 08:07 AM
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Originally Posted by aah1977 View Post

His parents are so codependent and are flipping out on me because we should be doing everything humanly possible to get to the bottom of what is going on.
Sounds like the parents believe and react as if their son, his addiction and outcome can be controlled. That's the monkey on their backs, right now.

Unfortunately, you can't control them or their beliefs anymore than you can control your husband and his addiction.

Just for today, be kind to yourself and let go of attaching your own wellbeing to your husband and his misinformed family.

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Old 02-05-2010, 08:20 AM
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unfortuantly, I know this SAME situation all to well.
Try not to let his family make you feel bad- they are clueless and not ready to accept the basics on this disease. Hang in there and treat you & your son to a big piece of cake !!
Sending hugs your way:day2
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Old 02-05-2010, 11:28 AM
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I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time on your Birthday. I don't have a spouse/significant other who is an addict, I'm the addict. But by the Grace of God and a lot of hard work, I've been in Recovery for 4.5 years. The title of your thread caught my attention and just wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday.

Please don't let his actions, or lack of, ruin your Birthday. Not sure how old your son is, but the two of you can celebrate your day together. In the meantime, I'm sending a Happy Birthday Hug your way.

God Bless,
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Old 02-05-2010, 01:05 PM
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Happy Birthday!! I hope that you and your son can celebrate.

In an RA and you are SOOO right in that you are not the cause of his addiction. As for his parents? I agree with ((Ann)) - people accept addiction of their loved one's in their own time.

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 02-05-2010, 07:22 PM
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Thank you everyone for the well wishes. I had a great day! Talked to many friends and a group of girls I met through infertility blogs all sent me flowers so I was really feeling good today.

Now I find myself sitting here crying tonight. I had a girls night planned with my friends. With the weather being cold and freezing rain people started dropping like flies. H was suppose to watch our son so I could go out which he did do. At one point during the late afternoon we thought we might cancel and I made the mistake of telling him that we might cancel because of the weather and a few friends where sick. He picked the baby up from day care and when he got to the house he started to whine that I shouldn't be going out in this weather blah, blah, blah. He had plans to go to dinner with our son and his parents and he was trying to convince me to just go eat with them. Seriously I can barely stand his family why would I go to dinner with them and not my own family or friends? So, I went anyway and the entire time I was out I received text messages from him wanting to know where I was, what I was doing, who I was with etc. He has NEVER in our 15 years acted like that. I told him I would be home by 10. My friend's car pulled in at 9:53 and he was staring out the window. I walked in he put his coat on, shoes were already on and he was gone. He said that it was very inconsiderate of me to string him along all day. Meaning I guess he thought I might cancel my plans to be with him and when I didn't he got bent out of shape. I just want to be free of this person so badly! His attitude and behavior tonight were unlike anything I've ever experienced from him and it makes my skin crawl. It is so hard when I have a child. I literally had a smile on my face all day until I had to deal with him tonight.

I'm going to go downstairs and read a little to try and get my mind of what happened.

Thanks again for the birthday wishes!
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