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Old 02-03-2010, 03:48 PM
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lookin for others to talk to..

Hi everyone! I am a loved one of an addict who has been clean for 20 days. I am having a hard time dealing with the entire situation at times.

I found out the beginning of this year that my boyfriend, who I love dearly, was addicted to opiates..taking pills and a manner they were not meant for and using heroin intravenously. I was devastated! He came to me and told me he needed help so I did everything in my power to help him as much as I knew how. He was checked into a rehab center and stayed for 7 days. He checked himself out. I was not happy about that in the least.

Here we are, 12 days after his return home, and he is still clean and sober. I told him I will be checking his phone records to see who he has been talking to and that I will be purchasing at-home drug test kits to ensure he is staying sober. My intentions on doing all of this is not only to help him with his addiction but also to protect myself and my future. Is this wrong to do to someone? He is starting to get irritated that I am going through his phone records, saying that I dont have faith in him. When in all honesty he is right. I do not have faith in him. I do not trust him. He lied to me, he stole from me, he made up stories to cover for his lies. I understand though that the drug is what put him in that position to lie and steal and all of that but it still hurts!

He has told me that he does not want to go back to that life. Said he doesnt want a substance running his entire life. I know it will take a very long time for me to be able to even begin trusting him again but I honestly dont know what to do? I am angry, I am sad, I worry constantly, I love him so much but I hate him for what he has created. Today we were arguing and he told me that I was his trigger for wanting to use again...that really hurt me! More than anything. How easy it would have been for me to leave him on his own and walk away from everything but I didnt. I stayed by his side and am still there and it seems at times he doesnt understand that I am going throught this with him. He is not the only victim of his addiction.

So please if anyone has any advice or any words to add or whatever it would be really great to hear from others who understand or have experienced similar situations. Im at my very edge with it...
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Old 02-03-2010, 04:35 PM
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Ann
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Welcome to SR, please make yourself comfortable and take a read around and you will see that you are not alone here.

My son is the addict in my life, and what helped me most was to find a meeting and learn to work 12 little steps that saved my life.

Sadly, drug tests ensure nothing, and checking phone numbers will make you crazy.

I know that my life didn't get better until I took the focus off my son's addiction and put it on my recovery.

Hugs
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Old 02-03-2010, 05:03 PM
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He lied to you. He stole from you. He told more lies to cover up his lies.
This is the man you know.

Checking out of rehab early is a huge red flag.
Suggesting that you are a trigger for relapse sounds like rationalization to do so.

Sounds more like you have taken on the job of being his warden instead of his GF. Is this what you want out of a relationship?

Either you accept him as is/where is or let go. Anything in between is hell.
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Old 02-03-2010, 08:48 PM
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HI, WELCOME

you have come to a good place, lots of experience, strength and hope here, though i'm sorry for what brought you here.

i'm a recovering addict married to an active addict of 23yrs. i've been separated now for 2yrs, trying to monitor him and his addiction was literally driving me insane.

i'm sorry to say but i do agree that him leaving rehab is not a good sign at all. addicts are great manipulators. at first he agreed to you checking his phone and testing, am i right? then slowly he began to reject that idea, how am i doing so far? if so, i can say thats kind of common addict behavior and you trying to monitor him like that is crazy making for you.

i ah would agree to anything if it would buy him more time with me or with his drugs. your bf say he wants to stop and that maybe true but i say watch his actions rather than his words, time will tell you what you want to know. if he is using, he would't be able to hide it for long, his addiction will get progressive worse.
rehab is just the beginning of recovery, the real recovery work begans after rehab. is he going to meetings, have a sponsor?

try to focus more on you and let him focus on his own recovery. if he decides to use, there really is nothing you can do to stop him. he's gonna do what he's gonna do.
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Old 02-04-2010, 08:17 AM
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Hi Vanilla,
Welcome. The addict in my life is my adult son, and opiates are also his DOC.
I don't know if you've heard of the three Cs:
You didn't CAUSE his addiction
You can't CONTROL his addiction
You can't CURE his addiction.


You will find great advice, wisdom and support on this site. Read everything you can, especially the stickies. I am still struggling with my son's addiction, but I am learning little by little to take care of me, as I can not control what he does.

In the meantime, please be cautious with your valuables. I never believed my son was capable of stealing from me, until my credit cards, blank checks, jewelry, etc. began disappearing.

Stay strong and take care of YOURSELF.
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Old 02-04-2010, 12:33 PM
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Thank you all so much for the kind words and advice..im trying to stay strong through all of this but there are times when I feel like im just going to breakdown..Its such an emotional rollercoaster!
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Old 02-04-2010, 12:56 PM
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ummm...my A just bought a trac phone and hid it. He had pills stashed everywhere too! I know if he were alive today, he'd never pee in a cup for me. It'd really devalue him. Mine only stayed in rehab 14 of the 30 days. Managed to manipulate them and poof, he was out. Didn't adhere to the outpatient post hospital arrangement either. Didn't have a sponsor, didn't go to meetings. He's dead now of an overdose, only 5 months out of rehab. He got incredibly creative to get his drugs. He didn't even have a car! You'll know if yours is using...they do stupid stuff that is indicative of use. Watch his actions. Mine was offended and hurt quack quack quack that I didn't trust him. He lied, deceived, cheated, stole and HE was mad at ME for not trusting him? HA! Don't make yourself a codependent nutcase with trying to predict all kinds of protective methods. Do keep coming here and venting. Your may not be in active addiction, but better to save yourself during this time than to be caught unprotected with an active addict.
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Old 02-04-2010, 02:21 PM
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those other posters were absolutely correct: checking his phone records makes you sick inside, and takes up a chunk of time - a chunk of your life! think how easy it would be to utilize his phone as a directory, and just call people on other phones. i think it is also a bad sign if he still has his contacts phone numbers in his cell phone.

it sounds as though you are living together - i hope this is not the case. it's SO much harder to distance yourself emotionally when he's right there.

the drugs he has been using really mess with the chemicals that are released in the brain. if he is not using he may very well get depressed, since his neurotransmitters have stopped producing badly needed endorphins. this is just one reason that it is imperative that he has structure and support to prevent a relapse. (you, however, cannot be it. you are the girlfriend.) can i ask how long he has been addicted?

stay connected to s/r, vanilla. it can be a lifeline.
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Old 02-04-2010, 03:35 PM
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Insulated-Im so sorry about your addict passing. PLease keep talking to all of us on here. Just the very short time I have joined on here it has made me feel so much better knowing Im not the only one dealing. So many folks on here coping with their addicts or addiction in so many different levels

RonGrover-thank you so much for the link to your essay! IM definitely going to check it out when Im finished on here. Im willing to try anything and everything to get myself through this without having a breakdown. Knowing there are people like you out there is so very comforting,

Coffeedrinker-yes we are living together..which yes I do believe it makes it a million times harder to deal with my thoughts and emotions. My bf has been using opiates for quite some time. He was in a car accident about 5 years ago(we were not dating then but were friends) and was perscribed pain meds because he broke his hip..now looking back I see that he took the meds as perscribed then slowly but surely had "fun" with them and now here we are, they took hold of his life.

Today he is 21 days clean. I asked him this morning if he would like to attend a nar-anon meeting with me and he is willing to go with me. It bothers me the way he handles the whole situation, like its in the past and we need to move on. However I just cant do that like its not a big deal. He has made no effort to attend meetings or get a sponsor or anything to continue his recovery. But here I am focusing on MY recovery because I refuse to let this situation get the best of me!
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Old 02-05-2010, 06:26 PM
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yes, vanilla, continue to focus on your recovery. imo, suggesting or asking if he would like to go to a meeting with you suggests that you are a little too into his "recovery". also, i think it's a set-up for you to feel upset, for him to be angry, and it doesn't achieve what it is you wanted in the first place.
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Old 02-05-2010, 07:43 PM
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I just wanted to say welcome. I don't have words of wisdom because I'm so deep in to my husband's addiction right now. His drug of choice was opiates as well, but he now has a Naltrexone implant that keeps his receptors clean and so using opiates will not give him a high. He went to rehab and did really good with his 12 step program for close to a year. Unfortunately, he relapsed and now is supposedly off of opiates. That I believe to be true, but just think he is just using something else. He isn't staying at our house and only comes around to see our 22 month old son. We are in a really sad and scary place right now because he is basically unreachable to anyone. He is shutting down everyone in his life and I'm afraid the outcome is going to be very bad. I've been told recently that I am a trigger for my husband and that is why he can't live here anymore. Hurtful and a total cop out.

Again, welcome and I hope you find the support you need here!
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Old 02-07-2010, 07:34 PM
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Hi, I am dating a recovering drug addict. He and I were not dating when he was using heroin and when he got clean- we have been dating the past 4 months, but we have been in a serious relationship before and known each other for 4 years. I have a lot of issues with trusting him, but he has been amazing and I am trying to let go because I know that I cannot control if he uses again.
I still though have issues with little things, like when sometimes when he goes to the bathroom i can hear him opening something, it sounds like paper or plastic but I don't know what it is and I dont know if I can actually ask him about his time in the bathroom- part of me feels like it's better to just ask and be open, but I also know that he is waring tired of my constant questions and concerns.
The bigger issue is that he has discussed going to a therapist, but he has not actively sought one out. I know that i cannot be with him if he is not actively trying to keep this addiction under control, but I don't want to push him into something with an ultimatum.

Any advice for someone in my situation? I realize that if he will use again I can't control that- that it is a very possible thing. Part of me says I should just leave, but I really love him and things have been great so far.
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Old 02-07-2010, 08:39 PM
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When I first found out my AH was abusing opiates, I did the same things you are doing. I went through his phone records daily, snooped through his things and went through his truck at least once a week with a fine tooth comb. The better the detective that I became, the better he became at hiding his pills. It was a vicious cycle until I finally said enough and stepped off the merry go round.

Leaving Rehab after 12 days is a huge red flag.. You shoulden't have to ask him to go to a meeting with you, if he wants to get clean he would have already been doing that, the minute he stepped out of rehab.

For my own sanity and well being, I had to step away from my addict and mind my own business. It was hard at first because I was and am very codependent. I thought that I could fix him, I thought that if I busted him enough times with drugs that he would stop, I thought that if I could go to meetings for him that I could help him get clean, the list goes on and on and on... I had to learn some very hard painful lessons in order to change my way of thinking. Detatchment is hard and sometimes it takes more then one try to get it right but really it's the only thing that you can do and it's the best thing that you can do to help your BF.

Find some Naranon or Alanon meetings for yourself and go to them.. If your BF is serious about recovery he will seek meetings out on his on.

Good luck to you
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Old 02-08-2010, 07:30 AM
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Originally Posted by vanillapenguin View Post
I asked him this morning if he would like to attend a nar-anon meeting with me and he is willing to go with me.

Nar-Anon offers support to and teaches coping skills to friends and family of addicts. It's about confronting our codependency.

It bothers me the way he handles the whole situation, like its in the past and we need to move on. However I just cant do that like its not a big deal. He has made no effort to attend meetings or get a sponsor or anything to continue his recovery. But here I am focusing on MY recovery because I refuse to let this situation get the best of me!
He is going to handle his own recovery or not, in the way he sees fit. It does not work out when we try to micro manage other people's recoveries.

It's hard, hard work to disengage our own emotional well being from choices and outcomes beyond our control.
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Old 02-08-2010, 07:45 AM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
He is going to handle his own recovery or not, in the way he sees fit. It does not work out when we try to micro manage other people's recoveries.

It's hard, hard work to disengage our own emotional well being from choices and outcomes beyond our control.
This is so very true and unfortunatly it took me a long time to realize that by getting involved with my AH's recovery it was not only not helping him but it was taking away from me being able to work on my own recovery.
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