Betrayed by two major people in my life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 2
Betrayed by two major people in my life.
Practically everyone I know smokes pot. I grew up around it, my parents would smoke in front of me. In high school it was the same. But I didn't start smoking until I was 20. I'm 30 now, and want to quit for good. I've been sober one month now.
My boyfriend of 3 years still smokes. He got into meth real bad in his late teens, but is thankfully out of that now, but still indulges in coke occasionally.
My mother is an active addict. Her addiction, as well as that of mine and my boyfriend's, is ruining my relationship with both of them. Last year it got so bad, she would hound us for weed constantly, night and day, EVERY day until we'd get her some and she'd leave us alone for a few days. Finally, as I began to come to terms with the nature of my addiction and take steps to recover, I had to confront her. It was hard, but using the techniques I learned from my therapy I told her, firmly but compassionately, that neither D nor I would be running weed for her anymore, that I was quitting that lifestyle, and that I hoped the same for her eventually. She lost it on me for a bit, screaming that I was trying to ruin her life. Again, I assured her I wasn't doing anything to hurt her, but that I was trying to improve my quality of life, and that of my relationship with D. The next day she called me crying, saying she loved me more than life itself, and agreed to not do anything that would hurt me. I was so proud of her, and myself for handling the whole thing like an adult.
My recovery was rocky for the following months. I started smoking again in October and through the holidays. D was smoking as well, but it was nice to not have my mother hounding us. I learned a month or so after our confrontation that she had just started pestering my sister and her hustband for their weed. In December, D and I discussed quitting again as of the new year. I was very excited to do it together-I want to settle with him and start a family in 3-5 years so I want us both to be clean and sober in order to raise a functional household.
Yesterday everything fell apart. On my way home, I seen D's truck at my parent's house. This is unusual so I stopped to see what was going one. They were smoking pot together!!!! I felt so sick to my stomach, I left and stayed the night at a friend's.
I feel so betrayed, by two people who are supposed to be mainstays in my life! I feel utter contempt for my mother-who after making a wonderful promise, went behind my back to sabotage my relationship. And D, who has the audacity to make such a stupid decision to not only give my mom pot again and open the flood gates of round-the-clock harassments and texts requesting weed--but to decieve me by smoking pot WITH HER! Am I the only one who is taking this seriously?!?!
I'm not the kind of person who can let this magnitude of disrespect slide off my back. I've left our home, am not sure when I'll return, or if I'll return. And I have no intention of mending the bridge with my mother. I actually more mad at her than at D. He's such a pushover, I know he just wants everyone to be happy, but he shouldn't have decieved me in order to appease my addict mother.
So that's where I am. It's such an icky situation and I'm very humiliated by the whole thing. I'm researching Nar Anon meetings right now, I'd like to start right away.
I dont know what to do about D and our plans, our future, our present even.
My boyfriend of 3 years still smokes. He got into meth real bad in his late teens, but is thankfully out of that now, but still indulges in coke occasionally.
My mother is an active addict. Her addiction, as well as that of mine and my boyfriend's, is ruining my relationship with both of them. Last year it got so bad, she would hound us for weed constantly, night and day, EVERY day until we'd get her some and she'd leave us alone for a few days. Finally, as I began to come to terms with the nature of my addiction and take steps to recover, I had to confront her. It was hard, but using the techniques I learned from my therapy I told her, firmly but compassionately, that neither D nor I would be running weed for her anymore, that I was quitting that lifestyle, and that I hoped the same for her eventually. She lost it on me for a bit, screaming that I was trying to ruin her life. Again, I assured her I wasn't doing anything to hurt her, but that I was trying to improve my quality of life, and that of my relationship with D. The next day she called me crying, saying she loved me more than life itself, and agreed to not do anything that would hurt me. I was so proud of her, and myself for handling the whole thing like an adult.
My recovery was rocky for the following months. I started smoking again in October and through the holidays. D was smoking as well, but it was nice to not have my mother hounding us. I learned a month or so after our confrontation that she had just started pestering my sister and her hustband for their weed. In December, D and I discussed quitting again as of the new year. I was very excited to do it together-I want to settle with him and start a family in 3-5 years so I want us both to be clean and sober in order to raise a functional household.
Yesterday everything fell apart. On my way home, I seen D's truck at my parent's house. This is unusual so I stopped to see what was going one. They were smoking pot together!!!! I felt so sick to my stomach, I left and stayed the night at a friend's.
I feel so betrayed, by two people who are supposed to be mainstays in my life! I feel utter contempt for my mother-who after making a wonderful promise, went behind my back to sabotage my relationship. And D, who has the audacity to make such a stupid decision to not only give my mom pot again and open the flood gates of round-the-clock harassments and texts requesting weed--but to decieve me by smoking pot WITH HER! Am I the only one who is taking this seriously?!?!
I'm not the kind of person who can let this magnitude of disrespect slide off my back. I've left our home, am not sure when I'll return, or if I'll return. And I have no intention of mending the bridge with my mother. I actually more mad at her than at D. He's such a pushover, I know he just wants everyone to be happy, but he shouldn't have decieved me in order to appease my addict mother.
So that's where I am. It's such an icky situation and I'm very humiliated by the whole thing. I'm researching Nar Anon meetings right now, I'd like to start right away.
I dont know what to do about D and our plans, our future, our present even.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I've left our home, am not sure when I'll return, or if I'll return.
Something most of us have learned here...you can't negotiate with an addict. When they are active in their addiction they are incapable of keeping a promise, no matter how well intended.
Your own sobriety is at stake here, which means that your life is on the line. It's up to you to decide what choices to make, but I pray you will take very good care of yourself and stay on a good path of recovery.
Nobody...absolutely nobody...is worth giving up your life and sobriety for.
Hugs
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Welcome to SR, spiral. I just want to say that what Ann said to you was just so very important for you to hear and it's so true. I was so impressed with your accomplishment of being clean from weed for a whole month. It's so smart of you to look up and start attending Nar-anon Meetings. And as hard as it will be to keep your distance from those you love who are using drugs, it could very well save your life. It's not like you want it that way and they can always come over to your way of living a clean and sober life. It's so much healthier in so many ways. I hope that you will stick to your plans for a better life. You do deserve it, so don't forget that.
((((((((((((((Encouraging Hugs)))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((Encouraging Hugs)))))))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
Betrayal causes emotions of that of grief. Perhaps he'd intended on telling you but you just so happened to be passing by. Either way, he had an agreement with YOU. And that agreement/committment has been broken for the sake of being high. You've done the right thing and I applaud you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 2
Thank you all for your encouragement, it feels wonderful to be supported in my actions. My mother has now sent me three messages(I've replied to none)--calling me a manipulative b*tch and that she's through with me. She actually said she doesn't need someone like me in her life and still refuses to accept accountability for her actions. She's sent my step-father over to guilt-trip D into maintaining their supply n demand relationship. He refused her in solidarity and favor of my wishes.
We are on the mend for now, he's agreed to cut ties with my parents and begin attending Nar Anon meetings with me starting next Tuesday. His biggest fault is wanting everyone to be happy, and there is a voice in the back of me head telling me he's just going along with what I say in hopes that it will make me stay. My biggest fault is probably my idealistic thinking, but in this case I'm very aware of the possibility of deceiving myself into believing it's all okay because we say it's going to be.
So I've laid clear ground rules for maintaing our relationship--I've told him what I expect and how I intend to get there. One comforting thing is that when I'm making "I" statements to him, he's insistent on correcting me with "We" statements.
So, we'll see.
We are on the mend for now, he's agreed to cut ties with my parents and begin attending Nar Anon meetings with me starting next Tuesday. His biggest fault is wanting everyone to be happy, and there is a voice in the back of me head telling me he's just going along with what I say in hopes that it will make me stay. My biggest fault is probably my idealistic thinking, but in this case I'm very aware of the possibility of deceiving myself into believing it's all okay because we say it's going to be.
So I've laid clear ground rules for maintaing our relationship--I've told him what I expect and how I intend to get there. One comforting thing is that when I'm making "I" statements to him, he's insistent on correcting me with "We" statements.
So, we'll see.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
great news spiral.
i would respectfully disagree with changing the "i" to "we" statements, however.
you are two separate people. in order to continue on to being a healthy and functional couple, you both need to be autonomous. you can walk this walk together, and you should, but it is a side-by-side walk, not an enmeshed-in-each-other, joined-at-the-hips walk. you are independent of him (and he of you) and when you come together, it is out of mutual affection and with mutual respect. this is what healthy love looks like.
i support you in keeping a lot of distance between your mother, step-father, and yourself, and only hope that d sees the value in this as well. that she called you the name she did....hmmm, i wonder if she's into something other than just weed. just stay away ok?
i would respectfully disagree with changing the "i" to "we" statements, however.
you are two separate people. in order to continue on to being a healthy and functional couple, you both need to be autonomous. you can walk this walk together, and you should, but it is a side-by-side walk, not an enmeshed-in-each-other, joined-at-the-hips walk. you are independent of him (and he of you) and when you come together, it is out of mutual affection and with mutual respect. this is what healthy love looks like.
i support you in keeping a lot of distance between your mother, step-father, and yourself, and only hope that d sees the value in this as well. that she called you the name she did....hmmm, i wonder if she's into something other than just weed. just stay away ok?
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