Feeling scared
 

Hello,

I'm new to this place, and I hope you folks can help me. I apologize in advance for the length of this post.

I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months, and for the most part, it's been fantastic. This is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. He'd told me a few times over the course of our relationship about how he'd had a problem with OC's about five years ago.

At the beginning, things were so amazing. Then I noticed over the last few months, that they seemed to change. he had some trouble with work (was laid off) and I thought that was the problem. i even bounced around the idea that he was depressed. he just wasn't the fun, positive, enthusiastic guy he'd been when we started dating. there were nights when he'd toss and turn all night, and nights when he'd sleep from the minute he got home from work until the next morning. at times i worried he wasn't happy in our relationship.

he also always seemed to run out of money, despite working and not having to pay rent at home.

so last wednesday, i did something very out of character for me, and i looked in his phone while he was in the shower. i saw several messages from numbers I didn't know, saying things like "do you need anything?" and "i can get 4 for $25". i was shaken, but i didn't say anything because i was afraid of how he'd react. the next day at work i searched online for symptons of opiate use, and it was like getting hit with a ton of bricks: teeth chattering, wet dog shakes, pinned pupils. all things i'd noticed in him.

thursday night, he tried to tell me he was going to stay at home and "do laundry." he could tell something was wrong and asked if i was ok. i responded "are YOU ok?" and told him i was worried about him. he said he would come over in an hour. when he got to my house, he sat down and i asked him what was going on? he then said "i'm addicted to pain meds, like percs." he told me he would understand if i wanted him to leave, because i deserve better. i told him it would take a lot more than that to get rid of me. i asked how long it had been going on, and he said for several months, but only recently had he been using every day. he told me that he'd come clean to his parents and brothers (who he lives with) two weeks ago. he told me his brother has been drug testing him, and that he just failed a test. he was so relieved to tell me, because he'd been conviced i would just leave him when i found out. he swears he is done with it, that he feels so stupid and ashamed. He said he is going to get clean, and that everything is going to be the way it should.

but i am terrified. i love him so much, but i will not stay with someone who is going to continue lying to me. i'm so afraid he is going to slip up again. i feel hurt and betrayed. it feel like so many of the memories i have with him are tainted because i don't know if he was using at the time. i feel like every time i talk about something he's done i say things like "you were at home, or at least that's what you told me..." i am anxious and sad. i feel especially anxious when he isn't with me.

i'm hoping those of you with experience can help me help him. i know i can't fix him, and i know he's only going to get better if he wants to. i just want to make sure i am doing the right things to help him. do i talk about it, or let him bring it up? should i talk to his brother? he asked me for a few dollars for gas this morning, and i gave it to him, but i told him not to ask me for money again because i don't feel comfortable giving it to him. how do i fight the panic that he's going to put me through this again. am i doing the right thing for him by being as supportive as i am? as far as i know he's been clean since thursday. part of me wants to act like everything is fine but i know everything is NOT fine.

any advice will be very much appreciated.

:thanks

First of all, educate yourself, read the stickies at the top of the forum. Check into some Narcanon or Alanon meetings. Get an idea of what it's like to live with an addict (using or not) so that you can make an informed decision as to whether you want to ride this rollercoaster or not.

Your already feeling doubts, you need to explore that. Do know addiction is progressive.

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it.

Only he can and he might get clean and start working a recovery or he may relapse again. It's out of your hands. You need to decide whether thats going to be acceptable to you or not. Can you stay in a relationship never knowing, day to day whether he's using or not? Always waiting for that shoe to drop? Because addiction is a lifetime disease, they can't get rid of it by going to rehab or stopping the drugs, it's always going to be there and they will have to fight daily for thier sobriety. It can be done but it takes real effort & committment on his part.

The best experience I can give to you is this. Trust your gut when it tells you something is not right. Don't beleive every word that comes out of his mouth but watch his ACTIONS. Addicts will lie, and yes that means to you too. But his actions won't lie.

Please learn about this,

Hugs,
Teggie

It's evident that you love him but love is not enough. If love were the answer then this forum would not exist because all the addicts out there would be cured. He's likely to have been using since way before he met you.

Have you noticed how quickly his addiction has taken over your life?

Truth of the matter is, you cannot help him. You can not talk him out of it. You cannot love him out of it. You cannot support him out of it. You cannot compete with addiction. You cannot control addiction. You cannot cure addiction.

Addicts tend to lie about a lot of things, especially how much and the frequency of their own use.

Addicts say a lot of things and make many promises, too. These are words ....just quacking. What matters are his actions.

Today he needs to borrow a few $$. Tomorrow he may just take a few $. This is how it goes with addiction.

If, for now, you decide to stay with this guy, guard your wallet, check book, ATM, credit card, jewelry and car. Also know that parenthood is not a cure for addiction. Only you can decide your own boundaries which begin with "I will/will not" as opposed to "you will/will not", which is a control statement.

hi, welcome to sr.

sorry yo are going through all of this. please read all you can here, about addictionand codependancy. check out the stickies at the top of the forum page. i'm sorry but addicts are great manipulators and are known to lie about everything, especially about when they use, how long they've used and how much. imo, according to what you've posted, your bf seems to be using more than he admits to, and there really is nothing you can do to help him. he has to want to help himself and take the nessecessary actions to do so.

when he said "you deserve better" daddada, believe him. my husband of 23yrs is the addict in my life and i've heard that line off and on for yrs. for him, it was only meant for me to feel sympathy for him and continue to stay with him, continue to help him with his basic needs while he focused on his need for drugs. i stuck around for 21yrs and that was one of the worse decisions i've ever made. by the time i came here, i literally believed i was insane, because of how i allowed him and his addiction to effect me.

i think you've made a positive decision not to give him money. try not to do anything for him that he should be doing for himself. living with addiction is a very painful life to life. maybe its really time for you to decide if this is the kind of life you want for yourself. addiction is life long. watch his actions and not so much his words.

he said it has gotten worse, well it will continue to get worse and worse, its the nature of the desease of addiction. unless he seeks help for himself, his life will continue to spiral out of control and so will yours unless you began to focus more on you.

you are young so i do agree with him, you DO deserve a better way of life. it would be very helpful to you if you could search your area for alanon or naranon f2f support groups for yourself and began attending, keep posting here. i'll keep you and him in my prayers.

thank you all for your responses.

i'm definitely aware that i can't fix him, and that this isn't something that is just going to go away, ever. i will not be giving him another dime, and when i told him this morning that i didn't feel comfortable giving him money, he told me he understood. i'm not worried that he is going to steal from me, but i am keeping a close eye on things. i actually had a bottle of percs in my medicine cabinet for the last few months, and he didn't touch those, so it seems he has some control. i've brought them to work and am keeping them here though just to be safe.

i don't think when he tells me "i deserve better" that he is using it as a way to get my sympathy. i think he really believes it. he was so afraid that i was just going to leave him. i know now that he's lied about a lot, but i don't doubt that he genuinely loves me and is terrified of losing me. i also know that isn't enough to make him get and stay clean.

i've always been a very independant person and i've never been the type to let anyone else hold me back. and i won't let him hold me back. but i've also never been this in love with someone before, or this ready to spend my life with someone, so i'm not ready to give up on him yet, despite the fact that i might be in for a roller coaster.

if he fails another test, things are going to change drastically, and i'm going to make it clear to him that while i am supportive now, he can and will lose me if this continues, because i DO deserve better.

i'm so afraid he's going to force me to shatter my own heart and leave him. i just hope i'm strong enough to do it if i have to.

i'm definitely gonna continue reading all the resources on this site, and look into a meeting in my area.

Well, things have been going ok. I haven't seen any signs of him using since last Thursday, and last night his brother tested him and he passed. His brother also called me, and we've decided to keep in touch and let each other know if anything seems amiss. i think part of the reason his brother called me was that he didn't believe my bf had come clean to me. guess he really did think i would just give him the boot when i found out. i made it clear to him that i'm supportive of him getting better, but if that changes, so will my support.

i've already noticed that he's getting some of his spark back, and seems happier. but i've also told him that i'm still worried, and that while he says he's "all done for good" i am still going to be nervous and that he needs to expect me to be suspicious of his actions until he gains some of my trust back.

i can't help worrying that part of what is keeping him clean this week is the fact that he doesn't have a dime and no one is giving him money. he gets paid tomorrow, and i'm afraid he's going to get tempted.

i'm taking this day by day. i'd paying attention to his actions to make sure they are backing up what he is saying. so far they are.

Welcome to life with an addict. :whoop Buckle up!

LS,

Welcome to SR and glad you feel comfortable continuing to post.

Knowledge, support and feedback are great during this journey.

um...thanks? believe me, i'm "buckled". i was hoping this would be a place where i could share my feelings and experiences with other people who are going through the same thing, without the "well, what do you expect??" type of reaction.

maybe i read your tone wrong.

i'm not an idiot, i understand that there will be ups and downs, worry, suspicion, and anxiety. i've chosen to stay with him because i love him and i think is IS possible for a person to recover and stay clean. i mean, isn't that what half this forum is about?

Addicts are suspiciously competent at making sure their actions back up their words...temporarily. I think they know they possess this power and eventually when they loose the ability, still believe they have it. It's a skill that quickly diminishes. Why are you lending him money? Is it a loan? Are you planning on getting the money back? Shouldn't he be the one courting you? If you're giving him gas money, I'll bet you'll not be taken on a date after that moment in time. If you're comfortable pursuing a relationship with an addict, please keep posting. We're here for you. One thing I wanted to write is; he'ss only a boyfriend. For less than a year. You're not obligated to him in anyway. I see the parallels of your relationship and my own 3 years ago. I read it and thought...uh oh!

Why not consider dating a few other men? You don't have to sleep with any of them. Dating is okay. You technically are still single and available.

first of all, the money is the least of my concerns.

it was always a loan, he's always given me back the money he has borrowed from me on his payday. only in the last few months has he ever even asked me to borrow money. he's also spent more than enough on taking me out that i never thought to be bothered by him needing to borrow a few times. yes, it should have occured to me sooner that he shouldn't be running out of money, since he works every day and he never misses work, but i was obviously in denial. he was also laid off for a time, had to travel abroad for a funeral and spent money on xmas gifts, so i assumed he'd just gotten behind.

we're far beyond the point of him "courting me." i make quite a bit more than he does anyway, i'm not looking for a guy to pay my way. he used to take me out more often, before things got so bad that i guess all his money was going to pills, but we've always split things pretty evenly because i make more and don't want him to pay for me all the time.

he's a lot more than "only a boyfriend" to me. this is the man i want to spend the rest of my life with, and i've never felt that way about anyone else. i've dated plenty, and the thought of "dating a few other men" makes me feel ill.

if he gives me reason to leave, it will be a while before i'm ready to date again. i have no interest in shopping around.

i guess i'm just confused by the responses i'm getting here. does no one here believe someone can recover and live a good life? i'm not expecting some magical transformation, obviously, but i do believe it's possible for someone to get better.

i don't plan to stick my head in the sand, but focusing on all the negatives isn't going to help me or him.

Sorry, Lost.... hit me on a bad day. My apologies.

I hope you don't feel attacked. People on this board speak from their experience, and as you can see, most people have not had positive experiences when it comes to addiction, recovery and loved ones.

People can recover from addiction. I myself have 4 years clean from a nasty crack habit. However, addicts don't get clean because of what people do or want for them. They don't get clean because people love them. Addicts get clean because the consequences of using become worse than the consequences of not using. It's called hitting bottom and it's different for everyone. Once an addict quits using drugs, we aren't cured from our addiction. We have to explore all the reasons we used in the first place. We also have to learn new ways of coping with life so we don't return to drugs. Drugs will always be there and the possibility of relapse will always be there for the rest of an addicts life. It just takes one bad decision. That's why working a program like AA is so helpful for an addict. It helps us stay focused and gives us the tools we need to stay clean.

Unfortunately loved ones cannot give us the tools we need to stay clean and sober. They cannot save us from ourselves should we decide we aren't ready for recovery yet. Sometimes they might even enable us to continue our addiction by supporting us financially or making life too easy on us. Addicts are very good at manipulating the truth so we can continue using drugs but eventually the truth WILL come out.

The most important thing for friends and family of addicts is to have clear personal boundaries about the kind of behavior you are willing to accept in your life and enforce them.

Sure people CAN change, but that doesn't mean they will change. and just because you know that what he is doing is unhealthy, dishonest, and it hurts you; just because you KNOW that somewhere inside him is the man you want to spend the rest of your life, if he would just quit doing drugs, doesn't mean he will quit using drugs. And it doesn't mean he's going to be honest with you about it. Addicts will do anything to continue their addiction - until they are sick and tired of it. And no one can predict when that will happen.

So take care of yourself and keep posting! I love a success story because they are so few and far between.

tjp, apologies accepted. i hope your day gets better.

hello-kitty, thanks for your response.

i know i can't love it out of him, and i also know that if he continues to use, i won't be able to accept his choice of drugs over me and stay with him, even though i know it's not really a choice of drugs over me. but it feels that way, if that makes sense?

you said "Addicts get clean because the consequences of using become worse than the consequences of not using." i really believe that he sees losing me as one of the worst possible consequences. before we met, he wasn't the relationship type. he never brought girls around his family, never really committed. our relationship is different. we spend time with his family every week. his sister and i have become friends. he tells me he wants to spend forever with me, and that he's never even thought that about another girl, let alone said it. i know he wants to get married and more than anything, have children in a few years.

i'm not sure if it's come across as if i am helping make his life easy for him, but other than giving him $20 a few times, i haven't helped him at all. he doesn't live with me, i don't pay his bills or take care of him in that way.

i've told him that if he continues using, i will leave him, and that my support IS conditional. he knows i will not help him by giving him money anymore. his brother has already told me that they won't be making it easy on him, and i am pretty sure they'll kick him out of the house if he fails another test. if that happened i would not allow him to stay with me either.

i guess only time will tell. i hope he can be a success story that i can share with you.

LostSunshine, here are my thoughts.

As Hello Kitty said, many of us are jaded. Most of us are also really experienced. We feel compelled to tell you how flippin hard this can be, how your life may one day feel like it's been turned upside down, how years can go by and you wake up and say "have I really been waiting for his changes that long?" I read that you understand you're in for a bit of stress here, but understanding it on a cognitive level is different than experiencing it.

This is what I think about recovery:
of course it's possible. Go to the "substance abuse" forum and read. The doom you are picking up over here is that the liklihood that he will stay in recovery is not super high (my own non-scientific observation). Very many more of them relapse after periods of sobriety than do not.
On the upside, recovery doesn't just change the addict's life, it can change yours as well. All of us here want you to experience the life-changing ways of Al-anon. And it does not sound to me like you have your head in the sand.

Your BF sounds really good right now. But I would question this: if he has gotten to the point of being addicted to opiates, I'm wondering where the withdrawal symptoms were. Maybe they were not very severe, maybe he isn't in that deep. Here's the other thing I am wondering. Most people do not get and stay clean and sober without assistance and support. Which is one reason that AA and NA are so phenomonally popular. I don't think I heard any mention of this in the posts. ?

Please do not stop coming here. There is much to be learned.

coffee, i definitely appreciate the fact that the folks here are just warning me what could be in store, i know they all have my best interest at heart, without even knowing me, or they wouldn't bother to post. i guess i just needed to hear some positivity.

i think he seems good right now too. i really don't think he was in that deep, but it was deep enough that it was costing him all his money, and changing his attitude, and making him ashamed and unhappy, which is definitely deep enough. i mean, we spend a LOT of time together, so the fact that i was in the dark about it says something about the shape he's in, i like to think i'm not that oblivious :)

also, the fact that i had a bottle of his DOC sitting in my bathroom for the last few months, and he didn't touch them, says to me that he's still in control on some level.

he has had some withdrawl symptoms, but nothing that seems too bad. he's been really cold for the last few days, but last night he said that finally seems to have stopped. he's also had a really bad runny nose which was causing him to cough like crazy, and he hasn't been sleeping much.

as for meetings, i'm going to suggest it. i know they even hold some a few miles from his house, so hopefully he'll be open to that.

as for me, i've looked into it, but i worry that as an atheist i'll feel uncomfortable. do you think that would be the case? hearing God this and God that will not help me, and from what i hear about AA meetings, God is part of it.

I'm sorry if I offended you in some way. I am being honest in telling you that I too fell in love with an addict, it took more than 9 months, but just the same. My memories are tainted too, because I didn't know he was using. I was with him three years and he ultimately could not come clean and live a life of sobriety. Oh the chaos. If I'd had my wits about me and been more educated and open to the possibility this would've been the outcome, I'd have high tailed it right out of there on the first date. I made more than he too, but as it happened, I lost my excellent job thanks to him. We were engaged to be married this time last year. He overdosed and died in our bed this past thanksgiving weekend. The addiction spirals out of control beyond obsession and any other adverb you can think of. Be alert. Be cautious. Be careful but most of all nurture YOU. Please don't stop posting, we are a family and there is so much knowledge, love and support in this forum, you will be comforted. Even in the small things. Have you tried an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting? It's a great place to start.

These are the kinds of boundaries that will help him get healthier sooner. He's very lucky to have smart people around him.

thanks insulated. you didn't offend me, i guess i am just really sensitive right now, and felt like you suggesting i see other people was a dismissal of how deeply in love i am with him. i'm just no where near being able to let go of him, even if he were to make me walk away.

i'm so sorry you went through all that. :( i am going to take care of me no matter what. i've never been a doormat, to the point of being maybe a bit selfish sometimes. i've worked hard to get where i am, and there is no way i am going to let him or his addiction ruin my life if he doesn't get better. i love him enough to give him anything if he needed it. but i won't give his addiction another thing.

i posted above about the meetings, maybe you can answer my questions about the religious side to them? i'm definitely open to the idea, and i hope he will be too.

and tjp, he is lucky. he's got an amazing family who love him like crazy, but they also won't put up with any crap. they definitely aren't push overs. and i'm pretty sure they haven't been giving him money, because i could tell it really killed him to ask me the times he did. i don't think they'll hesitate to take the roof over his head if he makes them.

((LostSunshine))

Yes, some addicts do recover. I, too, am an RA (recovering addict) with almost 3 years clean from a really bad crack habit. I was also a raging codependent who had to leave my bf behind as he was still using and was going to take me back down.

The thing about recovery, as Kitty mentioned, is that putting down the dope isn't the hard part. It's dealing with life with money in your pocket, stress building up from "life stuff" and having to face family that doesn't exactly trust you any more.

Each A (addict) has their own bottom. It sounds like you have some good boundaries, just make sure they are ones you can stick to. Addiction IS a lifelong problem. I know, every day, that I am only one bad decision away from returning to the disaster of a life I left behind. That's why I'm here, where I get a ton of support and have made many friends I can e-mail or call should the thought of using enter my brain.

I'm also here because I have a problem, at times, with boundaries and forgetting where I end and the other person begins.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy