coffeedrinker

Sunshine,

One of the "steps" that must be taken, in AA/A-Anon type work, is to "believe in a power greater than yourself." Frankly, most people think of this HP as it is sometimes referred to, as God. However, it does not have to be. DOES NOT HAVE TO BE. My father is quite a spiritual man, coming to it rather late in life (spent years as an Athiest). He would use the spiritual energy that is all around us as his, I personally think of the power greater than myself as more than just one thing, but primarily, I think that it is the AA Program itself, manifested in all the thousands of people that belong to it, either here with us, or those who have gone before. Because IT IS THEM that I follow, learn from, and from which receive sustanance. Their power is in their knowledge, and the work that they have done.

Some of those groups are much more "God oriented" than others, some are even called "Christian AA" and such. It's in there, but it's not an absolute requirement.

If you search through some of the threads here you will find some that relate directly to what you are asking, but that's my two cents!

cmhcali

Sunshine - sounds like some simililarities to my relationship of 9 months. He sounds like he even relapsed around the same time (around November). My ABF has been clean a couple of weeks now. It is hard. I cannot guarantee what will happen but I can relate to all you are saying. Keep posting. I also want to hear success stories and I will give updates too.

I do know for me it is so hard to trust. So when you have the crazies post here it helps. I find myself getting mad at stuff I have no control over. Like when he goes to the bathroom is he really or sniffing pills. I also know addicts are good liars and we love and believe them (to a point). So be careful but you do deserve to love and have fun. In my prayers.

bluebelle

My bf is also addicted to pain pills. This site is a great place for you to come and share. There is a lot of good reading on here, too. My bf used for 7 years, was clean for a few months, relapsed for a few months, and has now been clean for over a year. We have both been through a lot. I have been trying to learn how to let go of his problems and to try not to get involved in his recovery.

As others have said, it's about more than just their drug of choice. They have to get off the drug and go through withdrawals. They also have to change the way the way that they deal with their lives and with their emotional issues.

I still have issues with my bf with honesty. I was very hurt by all the lies and covering up. Even today, his words/behaviors triggered old feelings of anxiety that I had from when he was using.

Have you read the book, Codependent No More? You may find that helpful.

teke

i'm a recovering addict coming up on 8yrs, but staying sober is hard work, quitting was the easy part. on the other hand, i waited for 21yrs for my husband to want to change and as far as i know, he may go right back to using when he gets out of prison, thats where his addiction has lead him. 2yrs ago, i finally had to leave anyway, trying to cope with his addiction was literally driving me insane.

yes there are a lot of success stories here, imo, its not that we're trying to be negative, its just that most of us wish so badly that we could somehow spare the next person of all the pain and worry that we've experienced. not only that, being a recovering addict with yrs clean, i know exactly what it took for me to get sober and desperate to stay that way. i know my family loved me but it was not love that got me sober, it was them moving out of the way and letting me hit my bottom. i had to see for myself how out of control my life had become.

LostSunshine

cmhcali, thanks for your response. it helps to know there are others who can relate so closely. there's a good chance i will get the crazies from time to time, and it will help to vent somewhere. i will definitely keep updating.

bluebelle, i've done a lot of reading on here, and definitely plan to continue. i'll look into that book you mentioned. i'm not quite sure i fit the description of a co-dependant from what i've read, but i guess it's possible.

i do know that no matter how much i love him, i am not going to let him ruin me or my life. i've worked hard for my money, my apartment, my car. i like to travel and do things. i'm not going to be held back from those things because i'm with someone who is spending all their money on pills.

i've made sure to be very clear with him that he will lose me if he doesn't get clean. i don't know if that's a bad enough consequence to him to stay clean, but i hope it is. it seems that's all i can do to help, set that boundary and hope he makes good choices.

Teggie

Lost,

I could have been you years ago. I hope that 6 years from now you won't be me.
When I met my AH we fell madly in love, we were soulmates, could do anything together. I fell hard. And he told me he was a recovered alchoholic but that was in the past and he wasn't that person anymore. That I was his true soulmate and he would never hurt me, that he'd never had a true love with someone.

Noone could tell me then not to persue a future with him. I was convinced that I was strong enough to handle whatever came my way, that he loved me enough to help him make the right decisions. And for the first couple of years I think he really tried. I had a career, made a decent living and considered myself strong and independant. He was never very finacially stable, didn't work a steady job, had problems with authority that sent him from one job to another. There were red flags all over the place but I didn't see them then. I just knew I loved him with all my heart.

Then came marriage and kids and all the stresses of ordinary lives. He started drinking again, we broke up then reconciled and later came the pills and my descent into madness. I tried everything to stand by him and support him. To be the one person who was not going to turn my back on him. Tried reasoning, tried holding onto his meds, tried controlling him. Nothing worked. In the end it was I who was left sitting in the floor with a gun to my head. Totally broken, totally disillusioned and utterly lost. I finally went crawling into a alanon meeting & spent my whole first visit bawling. I kept going and slowly started to learn how to help myself. How to take the focus off of him and put it back on my kids and I.

I truly hope you don't go down the same path.

Let me ask you something, how much has his addiction already affected you? I see in your posts that theres alot of the focus on him already. I really hope things work out for you. I can see you are already setting boundries for yourself by letting him know what consequences will occur if he keeps using. Thats a positive step.

Please consider going to alanon or narcanon, like coffee said, the whole idea of a higher power is something that you can beleive in that is bigger than yourself. It doesn't have to be God, we have more than one atheist in our group. What you will learn is tools to use to help you take care of yourself. Beleive me please, if your going to persue this relationship educate yourself please so that if problems do occur later down the road you will have the knowledge and the tools to deal with it without losing your mind.

I know that you will choose whichever path you decide you want to take, some of us have been so deeply affected by addiction that the first thing we want to say when we meet newcomers like you is to run away!! We don't want other people to endure what we have had to. Thats natural. Please consider not moving in together, or getting married or having children until you know more about the disease of addiction and hopefully he will be clean and working a recovery. Just stopping pills is not enough, he will be an addict untill the day he dies. Sobriety will be a daily struggle but it can be done. Thats why he needs support from others that have been down that road and understand what he is going through and he can find that through programs like Narcotics Anoynmous or professional services.. He has to do it for himself, not for you, he has to really want it. Love is not enough, if love could keep him sober none of us would be here.

I hope that 6 years from you aren't me, looking back over my 6 years of posts here and finally seeing things with clarity and feeling sad that things had to be the way they are. My AH is now without his wife & family. He has chosen pills over us. I pray thats not the ending you will face.

Keep coming back,
Teggie

LostSunshine

thanks for sharing your story with me teggie.

i definitely don't want to go down that road. as for how it's affected me so far? well, it hasn't affected me financially or anything. as i've said, i've only given him money a few times, and in small amounts. we don't live together, and while we've discussed it, until he really shows me how committed he is to recovery and saves up a good amount of money i won't entertain the idea. i don't want to put myself in the position of having to throw him out. when i've wanted to do things, like go on trips, and he's seemed reluctant, i've done them anyway on my own. i realize now most of his reluctance has been because he didn't have any money or motivation because of the pills, not because he didn't want to go places with me.

he is actually the opposite of your AH when it comes to authority and work. he's very well liked at his workplace, never misses a day. he's in a union, and when guys were getting laid off left and right, he was actually called to a job because he's known as a reliable hard worker and somehow his name just ends up on top of the list. i can't deal with people who are irresponsible when it comes to work. i drag my butt to my job everyday, despite the fact that i don't always enjoy it, and i expect the same from my partner.

i think at this point, i'm prepared for the worst. i've told him the consquences as far as i'm concerned if he continues to use and that's all i can do. it would devastate me to lose him, but i won't continue to live a life held back by his addiction. i know i would become so frustrated and disgusted that staying if he goes back to it won't be an option no matter how much i love him.

i just hope it doesn't come to that. i really do have faith in him, and he means everything to me.

LostSunshine

well i suppose this is a good sign...he just went to the doctor because he's had a horrible cough for a few days. so bad he's been barely sleeping.

the doc wanted to prescribe him something with codeine, and he told her he couldn't have that. she said "ok, i can give you something else, but it won't work as well." you'd think when someone made it clear they didn't want something like codeine, the doc wouldn't even slightly push it further.

but i'm happy he turned it down.

Insulated

I hope for your sake, he is telling you the truth.

LostSunshine

Well, i'll know later when I see the bottle of what the doc did give him.

mama26719

I don't have a lot of advice to give cause I am smack in the middle of living my with husbands addictions. I know that it was probably really hard to hear everyone being somewhat negative, but I know that for me, as I read your post, I felt scared for you. One of those, If I knew then what I know now things. And everyone just wants to protect you, so just think of it as a somewhat irritating hug.

My story at the beginning also sounds somewhat like yours in that my AH didn't bring girls around the family and was never serious with a girl until he met me. I still hear, 8 years later, that I am his world, I am his queen, that there will never be anyone for him. And I do believe he loves me....but its never enough. We now have two kids, and (when not in active addict mode) is a wonderful loving father, but he still chose drugs over feeding his kids. They are not sane nor logical. Love means nothing to them, not when they are active users. There is a post that is a sticky that is something like This is an addict, i think its the last one. I read that, and it hurt so bad and I didn't want to believe it, but it is so true. When we first got together, I knew he was an addict, and while he didn't use drugs, he did gamble from time to time, but nothing crazy. I was naive to think that he could control it, and that it wouldn't get into anything more. We got married and within two years, we lost our house, our cars, our everything, because he did indeed turn to drugs. It started with vicodin and percs and moved into oxy. My life is in shambles because of a little pill. He has since been "clean" of painkillers (one year), but has transfered back to gambling. In the last three months he has lost a huge amount of money. All this because while yes he was clean, he was just coping with life. He hasn't had any help from AA or the likes, because he says they just aren't for him. Well no, because they make you face your problems and learn how to deal with them, instead of covering them.

He is my heart, and I love him with all of it, but I can not live like this anymore. I pray every day that he realizes that he needs help. That he can not do it alone. I always feel hopeful for others, that their lives turn out like the "happy" stories full of recovery and hope. And I pray that yours will indeed turn down that road as well. I have only just started Alanon and I can see your concerns with the God aspect. While I am a believer I feel that if you can handle hearing them speak of a higher power, and them perhaps saying a prayer, then you will get a lot out of meetings. They are people who understand and while they don't really give advice, they will just tell you some of the things they have done or been through and you take what works for you.

Good luck with everything. Like they said, its a bumpy road but you already know that. Stay strong and dont lose yourself in this mess. You are there for him, but remember that rarely is there someone looking out for you, so don't risk it all....even for love. **hugs** to you cause I know, that sometimes thats all you need. :ghug3