cmhcali

So I went to a meeting with my ABF last night. One of my guy friends was there and we were just talking and laughing (purely platonic on both ends). So after the meeting my ABF was quiet. I said what is wrong and he didnt want to talk about it.

I said well you dont have to talk about it to me but as a suggestion talk to someone. And he said it is about you? I said ok well do you want to talk. He said it is childish. I said it usually is. He let me know he was jealous that I was easily able to laugh and talk with friend and not him at meetings.

So I thought about it and let him know that because he had been dishonest with me I had lost the ability to laugh with him and that through working on trust I would be able to gain that ability back.

But how do I gain trust. His actions are all good but as a codie I am analyzing everything. When he goes to the bathroom, he brought a book to the bathroom (like notepad not reading), I hate him spending time at his parents as his brother and gf (abf old running buddies) stay there. His eyes have been fine, his actions say he is not high but I just dont know how to trust.

Help!!!

cmc

It's been my experience that it takes time for someone to earn my trust. It also might involve me making adjustments as to just how high the other person is required 'to jump' in order for me to be willing to trust (again). I may set my sights too low (being codie) or on the other hand, too high; especially if I'm still angry.

One more thing I learned from a very good counselor is that much of my judgements & thinking were black & white. Once I learned that there were areas of variation inbetween-I could manage life alot easier. This way I don't need to have complete or total trust in order to start or give someone another chance.

It's best for me when it comes gradually and in diverse circumstances. For instance: I may be able to trust someone in one aspect but not another. That's how I keep my space safe and serene-bit by bit, over time.

cmhcali

Thanks anvil and cmc. i do trust him some areas but not others. it is amazing how the mind works. he said he went to a different meeting and aytomatically i think lie! i guess i need to evaluate that but this is all new to me in a relationship!

meditation

Maybe you can look at this from the point of view of a recovering person instead of a codependent person. For myself, as a recovering addict I want trust. I want people to trust me. So he had a relapse, if you can put yourself into the same shoe as having a slip and trying to continue on in good recovery, just try to put yourself in the shoes he is in at the moment. I would not want someone questioning my every motive and thought. I would want some good faith. I know it has to be earned but I do believe if he has another relapse you will know it from the signs. And worrying about if he is or if he isn't will drive you crazy. So maybe try the trust route just as you would want it given to you after a slip. Holding someone accountable and questioning their every move is not the same. I hope he realizes he has to earn trust too.

suki44883

It's extremely difficult to maintain a relationship with someone you do not trust. Is it possible to back away and let the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship sit on the back burner while you figure out if he is someone you will ever be able to trust again?

sofacat

He let me know he was jealous that I was easily able to laugh and talk with friend and not him at meetings.

So I thought about it and let him know that because he had been dishonest with me I had lost the ability to laugh with him and that through working on trust I would be able to gain that ability back.

OMO it seems as if you both are having trust issues with each other.

Give it time and/or give it space.

((hugs))