Is it worth it?
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 18
Is it worth it?
I've only posted a couple of times on this forum, but each time the response has been amazing. This site has definitely been a support outlet for me whether it is posting myself or reading all of your experiences. So thank you!
My AGF is suppose to be clean right now. She has sworn up and down, left and right that she is. I have been working on myself the last couple of months because I finally woke up and realized that I was letting her addiction control me and ruin me. So I've been worrying about myself for the last couple of months. And it has been great! My mind set is to live one day at a time. If she is or does use, I know it is out of my control. I can not control her or her addiction, only me and my situation. Things have gotten so much better with our entire situation over the last couple of months. But of course, there has been moments where I have questioned if she was high. Today I did find out that she has been contacting 2 of her old dealers on and off for the last month. I know in my heart of hearts that this means she is using.
So my question is, is it worth trying to talk to her about all of this? If so, how can I start the conversation so that it does not seem like I am accusing her or attacking her. I just want to talk to her about all of it. I have no idea if she would be honest to me or herself about any of this or if she will just get defensive and walk away.
Any suggestions?
Thanks!
My AGF is suppose to be clean right now. She has sworn up and down, left and right that she is. I have been working on myself the last couple of months because I finally woke up and realized that I was letting her addiction control me and ruin me. So I've been worrying about myself for the last couple of months. And it has been great! My mind set is to live one day at a time. If she is or does use, I know it is out of my control. I can not control her or her addiction, only me and my situation. Things have gotten so much better with our entire situation over the last couple of months. But of course, there has been moments where I have questioned if she was high. Today I did find out that she has been contacting 2 of her old dealers on and off for the last month. I know in my heart of hearts that this means she is using.
So my question is, is it worth trying to talk to her about all of this? If so, how can I start the conversation so that it does not seem like I am accusing her or attacking her. I just want to talk to her about all of it. I have no idea if she would be honest to me or herself about any of this or if she will just get defensive and walk away.
Any suggestions?
Thanks!
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
is it worth trying to talk to her about all of this?
Do you have any boundaries in place for yourself, and are you really prepared to follow through with them if she is using?
If not, this may turn into one of those "Aha...I caught ya!" moments and then what?
You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
and you sure as he!! can't control it.
Do you have any boundaries in place for yourself, and are you really prepared to follow through with them if she is using?
If not, this may turn into one of those "Aha...I caught ya!" moments and then what?
You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
and you sure as he!! can't control it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 18
I do have boundaries for myself. And she knows what my boundaries are. We live together but it is my house. And she knows that one of my boundaries is I do not want drugs in my house. And one is that if she does start using again, she will need to leave. i don't want to make it a, aha I caught you! Or, I knew I was right. It's not about that at this point. It's about how she is lying to herself and is truly not putting an effort into her recovery. HER recovery, not mine.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Well mvegas, sounds like you have a solid plan in place.
I just went through the same thing a month ago. It was harder than anything I have done...but I had to stand up for myself.
Boundaries were crossed in one weeks time:
He used drugs in our home
He lied to Me about it
He had not been owning up to his financial responsibilities.
He had not been going to meetings.
I don't know how to approach this from a place of love and concern..because every time I use that strategy...I am lied to. Then the anger kicks in, and I slip. I had been too enmeshed in his addiction and problems that I wasn't capable at the time of not taking the lies personally.
I see that now because I have been working a solid program for myself, and I see how I am culpable in all of this as an enabler. I have also had some distance between us, and that has helped me tremendously.
All I can say is if you confront her about her using, the only thing you can do is stand behind the boundaries you have put in place for yourself and follow them through. This isn't as easy as it sounds...but it is possible when you are truly ready to let her go and figure out her addiction on her own. Be prepared, she may lie to you about her using. It's not personal, it's just a byproduct of active addiction and not working a recovery program.
I feel for you in this, I really do. And I wish I had some suggestions on how to approach her...but I believe the follow through will be the important part...for you.
I just went through the same thing a month ago. It was harder than anything I have done...but I had to stand up for myself.
Boundaries were crossed in one weeks time:
He used drugs in our home
He lied to Me about it
He had not been owning up to his financial responsibilities.
He had not been going to meetings.
I don't know how to approach this from a place of love and concern..because every time I use that strategy...I am lied to. Then the anger kicks in, and I slip. I had been too enmeshed in his addiction and problems that I wasn't capable at the time of not taking the lies personally.
I see that now because I have been working a solid program for myself, and I see how I am culpable in all of this as an enabler. I have also had some distance between us, and that has helped me tremendously.
All I can say is if you confront her about her using, the only thing you can do is stand behind the boundaries you have put in place for yourself and follow them through. This isn't as easy as it sounds...but it is possible when you are truly ready to let her go and figure out her addiction on her own. Be prepared, she may lie to you about her using. It's not personal, it's just a byproduct of active addiction and not working a recovery program.
I feel for you in this, I really do. And I wish I had some suggestions on how to approach her...but I believe the follow through will be the important part...for you.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
ALL addicts LIE !
There is no need to ask her. Her behavior will make it obvious.
One thing on the Don't list of al-anon:
Don't make threats you don't intend to carry-out.
Stand firm w/ your boundaries.
There is no need to ask her. Her behavior will make it obvious.
One thing on the Don't list of al-anon:
Don't make threats you don't intend to carry-out.
Stand firm w/ your boundaries.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 18
Well I didn't say anything to her last night because I wanted time to process and made a decision to try to talk to her tonight about it. But this morning she kept pushing me on what was wrong and it all just blew up. The reason I know she is using and lying to me is because I checked her phone records. Which I made a promise to myself and her I would not do anymore. But I broke down yesterday and snooped through her things and found her password. I am very disappointed at myself for doing this. But at the same time, I would have never found out what I did. And what I found out was that she has been contacting her old dealer for the last month. there was the same pattern as before. Text messages back and forth, and then a couple 1 minute phone calls. It came out this morning that I checked her account and she is now furious. She called me a crazy psycho bitch and said she is done. She is leaving when she gets home from work. She said it is none of my business who she talks to and that her old dealer is her friend. That they talked this week about taxes for his girlfriend. But yet there is a pattern of texts and phone calls for over the last month. There is always some excuse. I can't believe her this time. She has hurt me too much this time around and I can't allow it to keep happening. But I feel guilty and keep questioning that maybe I am wrong. I just want her to tell me the truth but she never will. And it scares me and hurts me so much to know that she is going to walk out of our home and I will never talk to her again.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I am so sorry. I know how very painful this is, and I support you in following through with not allowing it to happen to you anymore.
This is EXACTLY what I went through some months ago with mine:
Every time we would have a "conversation" out of my feeling in my gut what was going on, as soon as it got a little heated, he would say "I can't do this anymore; I'm done"....he has always maintained that he wants to be clean and so I would think "well if ya do, (and I firmly believe that he has wanted that for many years), then we can talk things through, figure out how to crack this nut so you can experience long-term sobriety". But when he was deep in active addiction, he was not in touch with that desire to get and stay clean. HE was the psycho, although he kept telling me that I was wrong, crazy, delusional, (minus the name-calling). I actually got more than one text that said a version of "Baby, I'm so clean I squeak". Wow, way to make someone feel like maybe they are crazy. I just hadn't been with him while actively out-of-control using before, so there was a huge learning curve.
He also told me when I confronted him on the PHONE CONTACTS that he is "friends" with the person who is also his connection. But since he HAS been clean & sober, guess what? He doesn't call that guy anymore
There was a reason you broke your promise to not go snooping. There is an instant that we - every one of us - asseses situations. Especially when we know the other party well, we can get a feeling - IN AN INSTANT - about truth or genuine-ness (is that a word?). But we have been trained to push that instinctive feeling down. We, for whatever reasons, have found ourselves attached to a person who can manipulate us into questioning that inner voice. It usually works many, many times, UNTIL we figure out what's going on and learn to TRUST that inner voice.
Please try not to get hung up and stuck on the "never see her again" line of thinking. I just read a post over the weekend from someone who reunited with the love of her life after something like 18 years! If it helps to move you forward, remember that redemption and healing is possible. But right now you have to do what you have to do.....for yourself.
Peace,
Originally Posted by mvegas11 
She called me a crazy psycho bitch and said she is done. She is leaving when she gets home from work. She said it is none of my business who she talks to and that her old dealer is her friend.
This is EXACTLY what I went through some months ago with mine:
Every time we would have a "conversation" out of my feeling in my gut what was going on, as soon as it got a little heated, he would say "I can't do this anymore; I'm done"....he has always maintained that he wants to be clean and so I would think "well if ya do, (and I firmly believe that he has wanted that for many years), then we can talk things through, figure out how to crack this nut so you can experience long-term sobriety". But when he was deep in active addiction, he was not in touch with that desire to get and stay clean. HE was the psycho, although he kept telling me that I was wrong, crazy, delusional, (minus the name-calling). I actually got more than one text that said a version of "Baby, I'm so clean I squeak". Wow, way to make someone feel like maybe they are crazy. I just hadn't been with him while actively out-of-control using before, so there was a huge learning curve.
He also told me when I confronted him on the PHONE CONTACTS that he is "friends" with the person who is also his connection. But since he HAS been clean & sober, guess what? He doesn't call that guy anymore
There was a reason you broke your promise to not go snooping. There is an instant that we - every one of us - asseses situations. Especially when we know the other party well, we can get a feeling - IN AN INSTANT - about truth or genuine-ness (is that a word?). But we have been trained to push that instinctive feeling down. We, for whatever reasons, have found ourselves attached to a person who can manipulate us into questioning that inner voice. It usually works many, many times, UNTIL we figure out what's going on and learn to TRUST that inner voice.
Please try not to get hung up and stuck on the "never see her again" line of thinking. I just read a post over the weekend from someone who reunited with the love of her life after something like 18 years! If it helps to move you forward, remember that redemption and healing is possible. But right now you have to do what you have to do.....for yourself.
Peace,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
I know how you feel. Coming here is a good thing for you. You'll gets lots of experience, strength & hope that there is a way to live without addiction , it's more a way of saying you won't tolerate it anymore and you don't have to. It's taking your life and soul back. You'll find lots of kindred spirits here.
Consider a Narcanon or Alanon meeting if you can. Just because she isn't there doesn't mean that addiction still doesn't affect you because it does.
It took me a long time to start beleiving my gut, and there were plenty of times he had me really doubting my sanity. The last time he came back, after being sober for 2 weeks I began to see signs he was popping pills again, my gut was telling me he was, yet when I asked him he vehemently denied it. He got nasty, stated I was crazy and just wanted him to leave.
Addicts will lie through thier teeth to protect thier addiction. They will lie to you, thier mother and God above. I had to let mine go and let God handle him.
Now when he talks, which isn't much because I won't talk to him all I hear is quack, quack, quack.....
Actions speak, words lie.
Hugs,
Teggie
Consider a Narcanon or Alanon meeting if you can. Just because she isn't there doesn't mean that addiction still doesn't affect you because it does.
It took me a long time to start beleiving my gut, and there were plenty of times he had me really doubting my sanity. The last time he came back, after being sober for 2 weeks I began to see signs he was popping pills again, my gut was telling me he was, yet when I asked him he vehemently denied it. He got nasty, stated I was crazy and just wanted him to leave.
Addicts will lie through thier teeth to protect thier addiction. They will lie to you, thier mother and God above. I had to let mine go and let God handle him.
Now when he talks, which isn't much because I won't talk to him all I hear is quack, quack, quack.....
Actions speak, words lie.
Hugs,
Teggie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 18
Thank you all! This site has truly been support and comfort through all of this. Reading everyone's experiences helps me to gain an understanding that I am not crazy! It started about 2 months ago when I had the first gut feeling. But she was and has been strongly behind her words that she has been clean. That I should trust her because she is being honest and has not used. We've gone through a lot in the last 2 months. I've gone through a lot. I'm in therapy and am now on anti-depressant meds. i never thought in my life I would get to that point. But I started to truly try to focus on myself. I stopped snooping and started trying to live each day at a time. But my gut feeling started kicking in again. This weekend was the first time i snooped. And what caused it was because her behaviors Friday night seemed to me that she was high. And then there ya go, I check her phone records yesterday and constant contact with her old dealer. Who she claims is a friend but like was said, when she was sober, she had no contact with him. It hurts so bad because I don't want to lose her but she is not being honest with me or herself. i know she can't be friends with him. I know the pattern of the text messages and the 1 minute phone calls within a 15 minute window show otherwise. But she stands strong and says she is clean and she has been honest with me. Now she is sending mean text messages on and off. She is stuck on the fact that I snooped through her things, that I'm crazy and pyscho. That I better watch my actions with my next gf so they don't find out how crazy I am. i just can't believe all of this is happening. And it is so hard to grasp how a human being can lie and manipulate you and have no bad feelings about it. I know it is her addiction but it still amazes me. She will get home tonight and leave and be mean to me. And I guess it's because she is not ready to get sober. It's been a year and a half of a rollercoaster ride with our relationship and her addiction. I know what is best for me but it's hard to make that decision. But i guess I don't have to if she is going to leave. And she will disconnect from me and not communicate with me because she feels violated and I guess because she is not ready to admit that she is using. I'm guessing she wants out so she can continue to do what she's doing without an eye over her. It just all hurts so much!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
It does hurt, and it is a painful process. Just know you are doing the best you can do for yourself.
It's her decision, let her face her own consequences of whats going to occur with her using, because addiction is progressive and she's on a downhill spiral.
She's blaming you so she can rationalize to herself to keep using. Addicts blame everyone but themselves.
Detach yourself, go no contact if you need to. Protect yourself. This is not your fault.
Hugs,
Teggie
It's her decision, let her face her own consequences of whats going to occur with her using, because addiction is progressive and she's on a downhill spiral.
She's blaming you so she can rationalize to herself to keep using. Addicts blame everyone but themselves.
Detach yourself, go no contact if you need to. Protect yourself. This is not your fault.
Hugs,
Teggie
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, i'm sorry you are hurting. sometimes addicts will do and say whatever they need to, to protect their addiction. shifting the blame onto you, common behavior. it keeps them from having to faces on their own issues. trying to make you think you are the crazy one is also common behavior. have you read "WHAT ADDICTS DO", located at the top of the forum page?
i think, if she does leave(which i doubt), try to just let her go, find an alanon or naranon meeting or two and began to focus more on you. if she's not sober, nothing you can say or do will make her want to get sober.
i think, if she does leave(which i doubt), try to just let her go, find an alanon or naranon meeting or two and began to focus more on you. if she's not sober, nothing you can say or do will make her want to get sober.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
i don't know her, but i'd be willing to bet she is not ready to leave. just brace yourself and have a plan for that possibility. losing you surely scares her, but losing the drugs scares her even more.
when we were in the thick of it - the worse part - i was in pain every single minute of every single day. my head knew that it wasn't personal, but my heart felt otherwise.
if she comes home and insists she has been clean this whole time, what will her reaction be to a request for a test? it doesn't really change anything, but i'm guessing her response would be "that's bu!!sh't. i don't wanna be with someone who doesn't trust me"
(again, blame, shifting focus from her to you)
unfortunately sometimes we have to sit with our sorrow. it doesn't last forever, though.
when we were in the thick of it - the worse part - i was in pain every single minute of every single day. my head knew that it wasn't personal, but my heart felt otherwise.
if she comes home and insists she has been clean this whole time, what will her reaction be to a request for a test? it doesn't really change anything, but i'm guessing her response would be "that's bu!!sh't. i don't wanna be with someone who doesn't trust me"
(again, blame, shifting focus from her to you)
unfortunately sometimes we have to sit with our sorrow. it doesn't last forever, though.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 18
she is definitely going to leave. She text me again and said she is leaving. She is a very stubborn person and she will not back down. Especially because if she stayed then she would have to stop using.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
The whole episode really boils down to trust. You don't trust her. She isn't trustworthy. I told my DAAF that he would even have to earn back benefit of doubt, because he'd lost that too. Without trust, the relationship is lacking in a huge area. Oh, she's mad at you for not trusting her, moreso than you snooping. Don't take on her guilt. Maybe sometimes, when we work through these boundary things, we find that they have to be tweeked or revamped. Maybe that time has come for you.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Wow...i could have scripted that myself. I am so sorry you are going through this vegas...I really am.
She got caught...period. And I think it's pretty funny that "drug dealer and taxes" were used in the same sentence. Good one. She's probably getting fronted pills and will use her tax return to pay him back...that seems more likely. Quick story on her part, but then again...she's probably learned to be a good storyteller, huh?
Listen, I am still going through this with my AH...he is STILL firing at me and it's been a month since I asked Him to leave. Please don't expect any revelations by her and certainly don't expect her to throw herself at your feet weeping exclaiming for help and she's sorry....that's only a movie that plays out in our heads.
What she is doing is trying to keep the focus off of her...and shine the light right back on you. It works on us codependents...usually. We are insecure and unsure of ourselves...and they are self important. Bad combo. The difference here is you have us and a program...and we'll tell you when she's quacking...and SHE'S QUACKING! Do not believe her! You are feeling guilty for snooping through her things, and not going with your gut (and she knows that)...but guess what? You're human, and you are reacting to a very bad situation with the only tools you have at the moment. Nothing to feel guilty about. We go lurking through their stuff and they go lurking in bad neighborhoods to get drugs. Neither scenario is a good one.
I recommend you get some space between you and go no contact for a little while. This will really help you gain some insight and get your strength back. She will not change for you...but you can change for you. You are enmeshed and in crisis mode, and you really could use some time to heal. Their words are sharp, and the wounds go deep. You could use a break.
Or you can keep talking to her and let her try to beat you down emotionally. You are standing in the way of her drugs and she will make you feel every bit of the anger and shame she is feeling about herself...and turn that back on you-like she's doing right now.
The choice is yours, either way we are all here with you and will help you get through this.
(((((((( BIG HUGS ))))))))))
She got caught...period. And I think it's pretty funny that "drug dealer and taxes" were used in the same sentence. Good one. She's probably getting fronted pills and will use her tax return to pay him back...that seems more likely. Quick story on her part, but then again...she's probably learned to be a good storyteller, huh?
Listen, I am still going through this with my AH...he is STILL firing at me and it's been a month since I asked Him to leave. Please don't expect any revelations by her and certainly don't expect her to throw herself at your feet weeping exclaiming for help and she's sorry....that's only a movie that plays out in our heads.
What she is doing is trying to keep the focus off of her...and shine the light right back on you. It works on us codependents...usually. We are insecure and unsure of ourselves...and they are self important. Bad combo. The difference here is you have us and a program...and we'll tell you when she's quacking...and SHE'S QUACKING! Do not believe her! You are feeling guilty for snooping through her things, and not going with your gut (and she knows that)...but guess what? You're human, and you are reacting to a very bad situation with the only tools you have at the moment. Nothing to feel guilty about. We go lurking through their stuff and they go lurking in bad neighborhoods to get drugs. Neither scenario is a good one.
I recommend you get some space between you and go no contact for a little while. This will really help you gain some insight and get your strength back. She will not change for you...but you can change for you. You are enmeshed and in crisis mode, and you really could use some time to heal. Their words are sharp, and the wounds go deep. You could use a break.
Or you can keep talking to her and let her try to beat you down emotionally. You are standing in the way of her drugs and she will make you feel every bit of the anger and shame she is feeling about herself...and turn that back on you-like she's doing right now.
The choice is yours, either way we are all here with you and will help you get through this.
(((((((( BIG HUGS ))))))))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 18
Well she left! It was ugly and horrible! She was insanely mean to me and completely acted like she is the victim. She still states she telling the truth but it doesn't matter because I will never believe her. I don't believe her. I believe she is running because she knows if she stays with me she can't continue to use n she can't had the freedom to live the wAy she wAnts. I did start to question myself n started thinking what if she is telling the truth. But I do know in my heart of hearts she is lying. When I asked her about contacting her dealer yesterday on the way to the vet she said it wasn't to see him. Which I know is not true because $135 was missing from her purse from Saturday. Her excuse she owed her friend. Well that friend I talked to today n she did not give her any money. Just knowing that one thing keeps bringing me back to know that I'm not wrongor crazy or psycho. It was so hard seeing her leave tonight. And right now I don't feel like I'm going to make it through all of this. I truly hope I do. I hope I can get myself back.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Addicts lie to protect thier addiction, they lie to justify using. They blame others so they can rationalize using. Practice hearing ducks quacking whenever a addict is talking. If it looks like a duck, acts like a duck, smells like a duck then guess what? It is a duck! There is no way to have a civilized conversation with an addict, you'd have more luck trying to reason with a brick wall.
Now, take the focus off her and put it on you. Be angry if you need to, anger can be beneficial in early recovery to help you accomplish your goals. I was pissed as he11 when I first started.
Now is the time to start educating yourself so you can be stronger when all the reality of the situation sets in. When I first started breaking away from AH due to his addiction I kept backsliding, thats because I wasn't truly ready, and all it earned me was more pain and heartbreak. I pray you don't have to deal with that.
Take a deep breath, put one foot in front of the other just for today you can do this. Get to Narcanon or alanon soon, seriously you need it.
I know the pain your feeling, it hurts like he11, but it's making a path towards healing.
Hugs,
Teggie
Now, take the focus off her and put it on you. Be angry if you need to, anger can be beneficial in early recovery to help you accomplish your goals. I was pissed as he11 when I first started.
Now is the time to start educating yourself so you can be stronger when all the reality of the situation sets in. When I first started breaking away from AH due to his addiction I kept backsliding, thats because I wasn't truly ready, and all it earned me was more pain and heartbreak. I pray you don't have to deal with that.
Take a deep breath, put one foot in front of the other just for today you can do this. Get to Narcanon or alanon soon, seriously you need it.
I know the pain your feeling, it hurts like he11, but it's making a path towards healing.
Hugs,
Teggie
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