Tough time staying in my 'hula hoop'

Old 01-30-2010, 05:13 AM
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Tough time staying in my 'hula hoop'

I made my AD leave 8 days ago after she was released from an inpatient program as well as 3 detoxes since June with no signs of true recovery happening. She is in more legal trouble--how proud again I was to see her name in the local paper!! NOT!
My dilemma seems to be I am having difficulty in detatchment from her. I will admit I opened legal mail addressed to her that comes to my home due to this is the only way I will know the truth as to the charges she faces yet I am aware it is not MY legal charges. As I write that I am feeling a sense of Who cares--why should I care when she obviously doesn't & continues to drive an illegal car & has racked up countless fines. Thankfully last year the local police advised that we remove her car from our insurance. I also opened mail from a Womens Health Clinic asking she contact them about her lab results & that is very concerning to me. I even considered calling them. Bad I know....

She is obviously staying somewhere warm & safe as any contact from her was a question as to a pain she is having & my reply was brief. I spoke to her last p.m. --her with that angry annoyed tone as if she is the one entitled to be angry with me. Grrr!! This is not the first time I had her leave -probably the 3rd in 4 months yet this time around I am more tired & done than prior.
I wonder if any parents may have some words of experience for me as to the detatching issue. I know that if she is able to find drugs-money for drugs-etc...that she is capable to find recovery as well. In her stints at rehab she had to of gained some tools to lead her to where it is she needs to be to lead a clean productive life. She is uninsured & was told she is not able to receive help through the county until July. As her PO told me "C cannot wait until July". So as I try to get off of this ride I struggle with getting all of me off--not only 1 leg & 1 arm that is off so far.
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Old 01-30-2010, 07:04 AM
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Originally Posted by I'm tired View Post
I know that if she is able to find drugs-money for drugs-etc...that she is capable to find recovery as well. In her stints at rehab she had to of gained some tools to lead her to where it is she needs to be to lead a clean productive life. She is uninsured & was told she is not able to receive help through the county until July. As her PO told me "C cannot wait until July". So as I try to get off of this ride I struggle with getting all of me off--not only 1 leg & 1 arm that is off so far.
Oh, yes, she is perfectly capable. She'll tell you that she has been abandoned by everyone in her family and that strangers care more for her than you do. It's all manipulation and BS. My stepson was turned out of his father's house one year ago (almost to the day). He has spent a couple of stints in county jails and more recently ended up at a homeless shelter. But now.....now he has found a job....he is living in the home of a Christian counselor who has agreed to guide him....he called his sister to apologize for all the abuse he heaped on her over the years!

It was in no way easy for Mr. HG to turn his son out into the street, but it was the best thing for ALL involved. Your daughter is perfectly capable of turning this around for herself, or not, but you are not required to have a front row seat to all the drama!!!!

Hugs and prayers for you and your daughter!

HG
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Old 01-30-2010, 08:15 AM
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Originally Posted by I'm tired View Post
My dilemma seems to be I am having difficulty in detatchment from her.
I'm tired,
I'm in the same situation with my AS. He is 32 and one step away from being homeless because of his addictions and legal problems. In the past, I have always used any means I could to rescue him.

I think for me the greatest lesson I have learned has been from the recovering addicts on this message board who have shared that until their family allowed them to fully experience the consequences of their own decisions, they would not have found recovery.

I have also struggled with detachment and the difference between "detaching with love" and "abandoning with disgust." I love my son and want more than anything for him to get well. I have, however, recently come to accept my own powerlessness over his disease. One day I thought about it and realized that nothing, nothing I have ever done for him has helped him find recovery -- no matter what it was.

I am starting to work on myself and accepting that my attempts to control his decisions and rescue him over and over (my "this time it will work!" thinking) is my own disease.

I still have so far to go, but find that, in accepting my own powerlessness, I can pray for him which is all we can do anyway.

Love and hugs,
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Old 01-30-2010, 09:23 AM
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I went thru some of this years back. The only way I could really detach was to realize that my son had some really important life lessons to learn and they were not from me. Some wonderful people here on SR helped me to understand that I could love my son right into his grave.... and that I needed to step back and allow him the joy and dignity of his consequences for his own behaviors and choices.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. This mom stuff ain't for weenies.
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Old 01-30-2010, 09:37 AM
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hi, i think you've probably done and said all you know how so now, maybe its time for you to step out of her way and give her a chance, to find life for herself. i think all the helping we try to do, sometimes hinders the process. i know its painful and hard to do but think about it, you can help her to her grave and you can worry yourself to yours.

yeah, it may come to jail, homelessness and pennyless but nothing is worse than death. i say give her a chance at life, let her fall on her own, as low as she wants to go. its the most loving thing you can do for the both of you.

just like hydo said, she may not understand right now, she may accuse you of all kinds of uncaring emotions but thats ok, its her addictive thinking thats doing the talking. i think she's more apt to see how bad her choices are if she thought you were not gonna be there to save her from herself.

try to keep the focus on you, deep down, she knows you love her. once she finds her way to her bottom, hopefully she'll come up fighting. for me, the harder the struggle, the harder i fought to get clean and stay clean. let her go, focus on you and pray, pray, and pray. i'll be praying with you.
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Old 01-30-2010, 10:56 AM
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I am with you, today, in the same situation. I will keep you and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 01-30-2010, 01:30 PM
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I'd be angry if my parents opened my mail too! There are just some things that ya don't do. But, then again, if she doesn't want to risk it, she could get a P.O. Box and have her mail sent there.

It's nearly impossible to detach from our own children. I feel so deeply your plight. I just know that the ONLY thing that worked for me is when my grandson was put into protective custody with CPS in my home and taken away from my daughter. My friends would see my kid out at the club when I was up with her sick child. These kind of circumstances are tragic but somehow facilitate detachment.
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