Drugs vs. your wife/family ... Guess I know where I stand

Old 01-28-2010, 05:48 PM
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I feel as though I am helping him die or end up in prison.

A common codie feeling. Let it pass. it is simply not true. You're just not that powerful. If he ends up in jail or the grave it is his destiny. All your "help" that you defend and describe over and over for many long years didn't have the power to make him stop. So the reverse is also true!

I just PRAY that he falls to the ground and not in his grave.

The force that drives most of my worst codie behavior is FEAR. When I finally got to the bottom of my fear, my very real & sometimes obsessive fear, that one of my A brothers could die, today, or kill another innocent person in an accident - and there was nothing I could do about it - when I started working hard (with the help of AlAnon - don't go it alone I say!), working very hard, to accept the unacceptable, my life became more serene and I was able to change many of my worst codie habits of mind.

Not easy, but for me it was necessary to accept that I just am not that powerful.

Step One!

peace & a shot of courage as you navigate this rocky passage to calmer seas for your children and for you.
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Old 01-28-2010, 05:55 PM
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Oh Honey....NOOOOOOOOOOOO- I just made myself something to eat, plopped my butt down to see how everybody's holding up and I read this. Oh, man.

I so get where you are coming from, I really do. The panic of not being with him anymore is very strong. It's OUR ADDICTION, really.

It's hard to let them go...and you just can't believe that he would "choose" drugs over you. He's gone, honey...in a very bad place. All you can do is get out of his way and let him do this on his own.

I used to be in an abusive relationship many years ago. And I sort of got used to it. Sick, right? But I wasn't getting what I needed from him emotionally. And when I felt his interest in me slip away, I would look for the fight. I needed to FEEL something...ANYTHING from Him. I was desperate. I knew what buttons to push...and I pushed them. The adrenaline just went right through me and I would feel "alive" somehow. Then after the fight, I would play victim. Crying, angry, confused, all of it.

It was like I was testing him in a way to see if he really cared for Me. And when the outcome was different from my twisted expectations, I felt like I was let down and abandoned. And the cycle would start all over again.

This is a very dangerous place for you to put yourself in...you are fighting your own addiction to him and the dynamic between the two of you at the moment is extremely volatile.

Resist the urge and stay here with us for a little while. Just please don't try to get in his way...he's asking you not to.

((((((( the biggest hug I can squeeze out of my 5'2" self ))))))))

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Old 01-28-2010, 10:51 PM
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sorry this has happened, and i do understand your pain and concern but you did ask him to leave you alone and you've decided to divorce him, still you go to him for whatever reason and decide you are gonna stop him from doing what he chooses to do with his life. kind of sound like a part of you still wants to be in control of what he does.

btw, i believe in the demon theory too. i was once that person who sought spiritual help and yes, i believe it worked for me. i've also seen that look in my ah's eyes twice and trust me, i honestly don't think it was him in control. i also think you put yourself in a very dangerous situation by trying to take his drugs. doing that is like a life of death deal for an active addict. "do what you gotta do but don't mess with the dope", kind of thing.

i know its hard and i know it hurts but you made a decision to let go, now its time to do it. its hard to let go and hang on at the same time.

you and him are in my prayers.
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Old 01-29-2010, 06:14 AM
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I echo what Teke said above me. I have seen people possessed by drugs and they may look frail and resemble a person you love, but they have the force of evil in them and would kill you for drugs (especially if you took THEIR drugs). They might not do that if they were clean and sober - but people who are high are crazed. When I was fighting my drug demon I seriously thought I was losing my mind - I would hear voices telling me to get high. I was not in control of myself. When I was high I may have looked like me, but inside I was in complete turmoil and not sane at all. I also asked for spiritual help, and this morning I realized I've been clean for over 4 years now. So it can be done. But getting clean has nothing to do with loved ones - it has everything to do with hitting the "proverbial bottom" and getting better on your own.

And the bottom can shift. If I chose, I could "pick up", get high, and then where I thought was my bottom wouldn't be my bottom anymore... it would be lower.

Another thought - when I was going through my divorce, I had to step back and give my now-ex space. I realized it was only hurting him more everytime I tried to comfort him or help him feel better or be his friend. He needed his space so he could recover in whatever way he chose. I had to accept that I was not in control of his life and his choices. I never had been. My role, much as I disliked it and it hurt, was as the ex now. It was not to be his friend. It was the hardest thing I had to do. But it was best for him that I just leave him alone and let him do his own thing.

So hang in there Callie. And take care of your children. They need your support during this time. Your husband is exactly where he needs to be right now. Even if its ugly.
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Old 01-29-2010, 08:07 AM
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((((CALLIE)))) Try to remember that this has nothing to do with you.

"We have driven ourselves crazy trying to control the behaviors of our addicts, certain that "doing it our way" was not only reasonable, but right. Our past sometimes may appear to be a series of failures. But our present experience can be peaceful, hopeful and successful. It's our decision to let go. A small decision that we can make many times today, every day...Peace will be my reward" Hazeldon
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Old 01-29-2010, 11:13 AM
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He let you go without a fight. The marriage and family and children go without a fight. The xanax provoked a fight. I'm so sorry that you're coming to the realization of where you stand in comparison to xanax. I've had many many many TOO many experiences with xanax. Being a passenger in my own car with him driving and nodding out on a bridge. Nodding out into a plate of food in restaurants. It is a horrible drug and for your STBXAH, now he has a valid/justified (in his mind anyway) to use it. You are a very strong woman and a year from now, you will be in the position to seriously help another woman in similiar circumstance. You are in my prayers.
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Old 01-29-2010, 12:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Callie View Post
What sent me in there today was worry, yet again about him.
For me, God is either everything, or he is nothing.

Maybe it's different for you.

There are no medals for martyrs.

You're blessed to have gotten out of there in one piece.
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Old 01-29-2010, 12:55 PM
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Thank you. He is out on the streets again and possibly behind a wheel right now. His druggie friend was over earlier with a car. Neither have a license and he is MIA. I'm doing my best to stay calm and stay out of this. My phone has been ringing off the hook from his family members wondering what to do.

I am stepping aside. I am helpless to stop this. He is in God's Hands right now.
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Old 01-29-2010, 01:47 PM
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Callie, he has ALWAYS been in God's hands. Just as you and the children have always been. He just did not all of of sudden start taking on this job of looking after you guys. I know it's hard to keep out of it all. But worry won't help or fix anything, just make you physically and emotionally crazy. Prayers for you and your family.
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Old 01-29-2010, 04:17 PM
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My phone has been ringing off the hook from his family members wondering what to do.
His family knows he has a problem yet are ringing your phone off the hook? Looks like maybe a gossip circle is going to start. YOU go take a bubble bath and turn off your phone. DO YOU! Of course you are worried, his family is worried. The worry is going to consume you and make you sick, spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, womanly, etc. You have come this far in staking your boundaries, the storm is beginning to thunder and when the storm dies out you are going to be a stronger, wiser, healthier woman. Step out of the crossfire and keep doing what you're doing.
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Old 01-29-2010, 05:25 PM
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callie i agree with insulated, turn off the phone or use your caller id if you have one. when i decided i was done, i found it a lot easier for me to not know anything at all about when/if my ah went awol, using or whatever else he decided to do with his life. knowing did keep me worried and it kept me stuck. i had to set boundaries with my inlaws, i don't mind converting with them as long as we don't have to talk about ah and whatever is going on with him, at least til i'm in a better place mentally and emotionally.
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Old 01-29-2010, 05:46 PM
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Turn off the phone. (I did :-)). At least you can enjoy a little serenity this weekend. All of his issues, his psychotic family, all the problems will still be there Monday should you decide to do

But at least you can enjoy a little "SERENITY NOW" as Anvil put it in my post. Let it be for now. It reminds me of a saying from early in my recovery:

If you don't like the serenity today, you can always trade it back in for your problems tomorrow.
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Old 01-29-2010, 06:01 PM
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Y'know, those dang Science Projects with the kids take up so much time and effort a person can't even answer the phone!!! And the kids will never, ever, again have the chance to do that Science Project in that grade, I mean, I will never regret letting that SCIENCE PROJECT take me away from all the repetitive drama that is out there in the world.

Bubble baths, trips to the Library, quiet hours spent with young minds figuring stuff out and yet still so full of innocence, a clean house that stays clean? Girl, you are FREE in each moment!

peace-
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Old 01-29-2010, 07:11 PM
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Since he got out of his 1 night stay in jail he's been on methadone only for about 2 weeks and he's been very cordial and seemingly 'fine' (though he's taking too much methadone, as he's buying it from the streets)
I had to read this over a few times to make sure I read this right. Do you honestly believe anything that comes out of his mouth regarding drugs? Or about anything in general? I was stunned that you would even think he's telling you the truth about what he's taking and not taking. This is something that you two shouldn't even begin to be discussing! You really shouldn't be discussing anything at all except the kids and the divorce. And after this, I seriously hope you'll let your Attorney handle everything from here on out. Stay as far away from him as possible.

The others were right, he IS your drug of choice. It's just like when I first began taking pain pills (my DOC) Everything started out fine and dandy, I was prescribed them for legitimate pain after a surgery. Then, all of a sudden before I knew what happened, this relationship between me and my DOC turned volatile. They began to cause problems in my life. As much as I knew that they weren't good for me anymore, I continued to go back to them time after time after time after time, thinking that I could change the way the relationship had become, I thought I could take them as prescribed, just the way you think that you can change the relationship between the two of you back to where it was before. That can't and won't happen. Even though his disease is effecting you, the kids and everyone else in the extended family, this is still HIS disease. He is the only one who can do anything to change what's going on and right now, he's just not ready to. He hasn't felt enough pain yet.

Anyone in their right mind wouldn't be doing all the things he's doing. He's not in control anymore. The drugs are what are making all the decisions for him. I remember when I was using and getting prescriptions that were illegal. I would pull up to the store where I had them called in. Sometimes there was a police car out front or over in the side of the parking lot. Did that stop me from going inside and getting the pills? Hell no! Getting to those pills was the only thing I thought about. I always went straight to the bathroom in the store to swallow handfuls of them thinking, "Well, if I get arrested, at least I won't be dope sick for awhile." How sick is that? If I ever got to thinking that my addiction wasn't in control, I merely have to think about all the times I did that. I had been to prison twice for getting bogus prescriptions, the same thing I was doing again and again and again. The first time I spent six months locked up, the second time was a year. That's how important my drugs were to me, to risk going back to prison for what would be a lot longer time if there was a third time. That's out of control. Just like AH is out of control, his drugs are doing all the talking and thinking. There is absolutely nothing that is going to change him until something in HIM clicks. Until then, all you can do is continue to pray for him.

I had no idea that his Mom left her own home to go stay at SIL's house. I thought she was there with him. Wow! I imagine this is a dream come true for him, living in a house where he doesn't have to pay a penny to stay in, all furnished, he can have people come and go as he pleases without having to explain anything to anyone. Until you call and take him back to reality. He doesn't want to face reality, that's why he doesn't answer the phone. And I imagine more times than not there are other people there with him, like the dude on the bicycle. I had to laugh when I thought of a grown man riding a bicycle in all the snow we've had. That's an example of insanity at it's finest.

Please do as the others have suggested, take the phone off the hook. If there was an emergency, someone will come to your home. Your parents live close by, right? Let them know you're taking the phone off the hook. After the Science Fair project is put up for the night and the boys are in bed, go take a long, hot bath. Fill that tub with bubbles, take a good book (nothing to do with addiction or codependency) and go soak until you're all wrinkled up. lol When you're done and letting the water out, look at those bubbles and imagine they are your troubles, let them go down your drain, taking all the madness with them.

I'm here for you. I'm sending you my phone number again in a personal message. You call me anytime, day or night, ok?

Love, Hugs & Prayers,
Judy

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Old 01-30-2010, 05:32 AM
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His family knows he has a problem yet are ringing your phone off the hook? Looks like maybe a gossip circle is going to start.

Oh, you have NO idea. I usually do NOT answer the phone when his aunts or even MIL call. They do love him, but just want the low down. I have always distanced myself from them in that respect. His family gives a phone company a run for their $ when some piece of gossip just NEEDS to be spread. I started out my day just fine and a single phone call started a flurry. 3.5 hours later I was still dealing with it. Everything from what do we need need to do to help, what should we do, he called xyz and needs $1200, he tried to borrow $150 from so and so, so and so just drove by MIL's house, there's a pontiac grand am there, whose is it? Blah, blah, blah.

By the time I got the kids off the bus I was exhausted. I ended up doing not much of anything except laying in bed and catching up on desperate housewive's that have been tivo'd!

Then right before bed AH txts me and wonders why everyone is freaking out? His phone has been ringing off the hook from SIL, MIL, Aunts, Uncles etc. What is their problem he says? Uh - YOU are. You're taking too much methadone and getting hopped up on Xanax. YOU called your aunt acting 'fearful and needed $1200 because someone was coming to collect'.

No I don't believe anything that he says for the most part. MIL is staying with SIL because both of them do not believe that MIL is strong enough to tell him no. Both of them know that he will have her broke and take her car. But yes, he does have free reign in the house. It's been that way for a month.

AH is going to end up getting his butt thrown in jail. He's doing NOT GOOD things. He thinks he's invincible. He is very cunning AND very connected. Everyone has warned him when he throws XANAX in this mix he loses his mind, becomes a careless, sloppy dopehead. I don't want him to be in jail @ all, but the rate he's going it's likely and possibly the only thing that will dry him out.

Today my dd has FINALLY decided that she wants her ears pierced. She's 9. About 3 years ago she asked if it hurt. I wasn't going to lie so I said yes, a little. Explained that it was like a shot or like if I pinched her hard. It would hurt for a few seconds and then sting a little after. Well, after I told her that there was ABSOLUTELY no talking her into getting it done. Finally about 3 days ago she came up to me teary eyed and said 'mom, can I talk to you' I said sure. 'I'm finally ready to get my ears pierced' (through the tears). I said you don't have to until you're ready - I'm ready she said. Soooo kids and I, mom and dad, My sister, BIL and 2 nephews and DD's BFF are ALL going with her (her choice - I think it's a bit dramatic but hey she's thought long and hard about it) to get her ears pierced. I pray that I don't have to hog tie her through it when we actually get to the store! J/K.

Judy - what a beautiful post. You've pegged exactly everything that's going on. Everything. I don't know what I would have done without being able to talk to you through this. Pm'ing you.

Have a great day everyone.
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Old 01-30-2010, 06:01 AM
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BTW - just re-read my post about the phone calls that came in? It obviously SCREAMS no contact. I see that and will abide by that.
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Old 01-30-2010, 07:53 AM
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so glad you are going to do such a normal, american thing - getting the girl's ears pierced. when my daughter decided, at age 11 or 12, we made it an outing as well. i have a picture of on one side, her clutching my hand, and her best friends surrounding her. your girl sounds sooo cute.

i shared the pill bottle story with abf. he kinda went "oohhh" in a low foreboding voice and said, "yeah, you do not wanna get in the way of an addict's pills." just his tone kinda sent chills. then i said he takes xanax and once again i got the low, doom-y sounding, head-shaking "ohhh". it sounds very scary.

when abf was using last year and i figured it out (was out of town for four months) i got more peace from not having contact than trying to communicate with someone who seemed so out of touch with reality. i remember when he tried calling me and i just walked away from the ringing phone. i felt sad, but i felt a sense of power. that little action was really something for me.
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Old 01-30-2010, 12:49 PM
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There is a rainbow in your day after all and your lives are moving in a forward direction without interference of an addict.
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Old 01-30-2010, 03:35 PM
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She did it! She was surrounded by family and friends. Her cousin held her hand and there were camera's everywhere. It was hilarious. We overtook the entire Claires store! lol This was a HUGE feat for her because I've tried to talk her into piercing her ears for 4 years!

AH called this am wanting to go. I told him about it last week (pre-xanax) and he was going to go. Then last night/today acted like he didn't know about it. Then wanted to go and I said you've been in no shape to go. He didn't call beyond that. I get a txt after I'd sent a pic to family of her getting it done saying why didn't you pick me up blah, blah, blah. I tried calling him and again he wouldn't take my call. Whatever.

DD had a great day, basketball was a success for her cousin. We went out to eat after and dd and ds wanted their cousin and dd's bff to spend the night. Sooo for a second weekend in a row I've got a housefull of kids. It's all good though - we had a great day. AH will one day regret this. It's his loss, but I have an awesome support system and our kids will grow up around GOOD people.

Found out that AH TOOK the check from the insurance company. For the car that HE totaled. The car that I paid for, the car that I paid insurance on. The car that he snuck into his name instead of mine. (that was the stipulation - MY name so I could legally pull the keys if he was unfit to drive.) Took the check and it's was gone in a matter of days. It was about $4000 - the car was paid for by ME no lein. I was pi$$ed OFF!! I can't believe the SOB would stoop that low. I've been paying for his a$$ for months and he does this? Whatever. It's his loss. It was alot of $ and it's GONE. Guess he'd better get that Huffy 18 speed tuned up because he won't have four motor powered wheels for a LONG time. Probably never if he continues on the path he's on. That will come out of HIS part of the settlement.
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Old 01-30-2010, 03:50 PM
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I know how you feel hun, nothing has any semblence of right or just when dealing with an addict. He is stealing from you and the kids. Don't let him anymore.

I paid for AH's truck & the insurance and 90% of the time his gas. When the insurance totalled it there would be about 100 between the settlement and the payoff. He had the nerve to ask me for it.

I had yanked him off the policy so even if he tried he would'nt be able to get it. And I bet he tried just that. See whats left that he can pull something on & make arrangments for him to have no access to it. Protect yourself, because he sure won't.

Deal him back some of the misery he's been dealing you, because, as I was told here, the misery belongs to him.

Hugs,
Teggie
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