logbrock

Have been apart from partner of 20yrs for 6mths now as I said in my last post, and I am still crying, feel sad & still miss him.
When am I gonna stop thinking about us ?

coffeedrinker

oh, i wish i could answer your question. 20 years is a LONG time to have an intimate relationship with someone. you probably know when he is going to take his next breath. i think it just takes a long time to grieve that loss.
we can get so stuck in the "could have been" stuff, ya know?

i think an important relationship that ends rather abruptly, leaves a bigger scar to heal. it almost sounds as though one morning you woke up and he was gone.

i know you are sad. but are you doing anything good for yourself yet?

logbrock

Hi Coffedrinker, your reply made me cry cos that's how it feels, like I woke up one morning and he was gone, never got to really speak to him, and he wouldn't speak to me afterwards, and I still haven't spoke to him.

I have a beautiful grand-daughter who's 4yrs who stays with few days a week, and we play and potter about the garden etc. I have just been on a holiday with my sister & dad for 10 days in the sun all of which does help but underneath Im extremely sad.
I want so very much to feel (normal) again, and laugh properly etc.
Thank you though for your reply it was very kind.

cessy68

just want you to know, that I heard your pain in your post...... I understand. 20 years or 4 years.... when you connect with someone, it's like someone cut off your right arm. I have felt moments where I couldn't breathe, like someone punched me in the diaphram. I try to look at the advice that I give my own daughter............... "only time, honey. Only time will heal a broken heart. There is nothing anyone can say to you, to make that pain go away. It is nothing you can see, it's bascially something that you can't even put into words."

I tell her that, (when a boy hurts her, because pain of the heart is universal, dosen't matter the situation or age, or time limit), it's just there.

I believe the key is time, and self-love. Telling yourself that you love you more than him, NO MATTER WHAT..... and this can be hard to do, if we are damaged...

but as with eveything else in life... FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT!

keep loving you MORE.

Hugs,
Cess

teke

HI.

i really do understand your pain, it's been 2yrs since i was separated from my ah of 23yrs. together we have 7 kids and we didn't hear from him the whole first yr.
yes it hurt but one day at a time, it got easier and easier. what helped me was to make a decision to do whatever i could do to stop myself whenever i caught myself thinking about him, good or bad.

there were times i thought if only i could talk to him, well at those times, i wrote and re-wrote letters saying all i needed to say but never mailed any of them. they were to him but for me. hope that make sense.

good to see you doing fun things for yourself. just try to keep the focus on you and your granddaughter. maybe for now, try to stay strong and keep giving him the space that he needs but be aware, he may come around one day when you least expect it, have you gone to any alanon or naranon meetings yet?

you and your family are in my prayers.

freefalling

Me too ! Married 22 years . Seperated 2 years. I cried so many tears - RIVERS .The pain is getting less. I did'nt go no contact until a week ago. I should have (I know I know) , but I was not ready. It does help and it does get better. Hang in there . Lots of us with long marriages gone wrong here!

Hugs

logbrock

Cessy 68 - I have been saying to myself several times a day since I read your reply ' I love myself more than I love him ' yeah it sounded bit weird at first, and I'm getting the hang of it now - thanks !!!
The fake part made me laugh !!!

Teke - I find stopping myself thinking about him hard to master, as I dream about him and also wake up thinking about him most days, but will work on that one.
I try my damn hardest to stay strong & leave him to it, and up to now I have.
Haven't been to any Alanon or Naranon meetings, don't know of any such places.
Thanks for your reply.

Freefalling - Yep cried rivers, and still am at times.
Haven't had any contact for 6mths up to now, and I don't feel it's any easier really.
Thanks for your reply.

teke

logbrock, could acceptance play a part here?. have you accepted that he's an addict and for has made a decision to move on? are you still hoping that he changes his mind and come back? have you accepted that your life would be easier if addiction wasn't somewhere lurking?

trust me, i know the obessive thoughts, changing those thoughts is not easy to do but not impossible, maybe having a conscience awareness of your commitment to do so, you can do it. you'll find that day by day, you'll began to think about him less and less, so with the pain, it began to hurt less. the sooner you start the sooner you'll began to feel better.

i found reading a good book out loud to myself help, cleaning closets was what i liked too. i'd actually lose thoughts of him in doing these things. there were times i HAD to go somewhere and just people watch, it helped me to focus on something other than my ah.

for now try to just accept the fact that he's gone. do it one day at a time. repeat after me " today i will not think about him all day, i'll do it tomorrow if i need to". tomorrow comes, repeat. one day at a time, you get there, i promise.

logbrock

teke - thanks for your post.
I have accepted that he is an addict and that is the life he has chosen.
But I don't like it.
I realise that life is much easier without addiction in it, and I don't panic and worry like I did when he was here.
It took me quite a while to be able to relax after he went but I have started to.
I will start trying ' I'm not going to think about him today ' I also have been saying to myself ' I love myself more than I love him ' severals times.

Thank you all for caring, I don't have ANYONE to talk to about this.

teke

well logbrock, now you have us to talk to. try to find alanon or naranon meetings in your area, if you havent already done so, and began attending. you'll find lots of f2f support there. i will keep you and yours in my prayers.

logbrock

Teke - I haven't looked into any meetings that they have here, I have never heard of any place that does them.
Don't know if I would want to go to one really, the thought of talking in front of people scares the hell out of me.

logbrock

Teke -

wicked

logbrock,
I understand the fear of talking in front of people. I do.
So glad you are here to give voice to what is happening with you.
When I went to my first meeting for my codependency I was scared as hell too.
for some reason, I had no fear admitting I am alcoholic though.

I just wanted to share with you that once I went, I never said a word until I was comfortable, and everyone at any meeting I went to understood that.
I hope you are finding some peace tonight, and being good to yourself.
Beth

logbrock

Hi - will think about the meetings, but if I do decide to contact them do I look it up on here or ask my doctor ?

Anvil - ' we will walk with you - your never alone ' is so reassuring. To have somewhere to turn to is what I have needed for sooo long. The advice and concern of everyone on here is amazing.
Thank you all so very much.

Nina Kay

logbrock,
Just do a search on the internet: Al-anon meetings locations or Nar-anon meetings locations. You'll be surprised what's out there for you. I was. These are people just like you who love someone that is an addict/alcoholic. It can't hurt to check it out, I promise.

tam

I too am going through the same thing, married 25 years..I think of him every day all day as much as I say I wont. I get panic attacks then depressed.
he doesnt have any family, just me and my family and that worries me.
I too dont want to live with his addiction, but I must admit that at least
when he lived home I knew he was alive.
I work fulltime but when I come home I get sad not seeing him here, it has
been 2 months now. I know where he is living and telephone number too and
I struggle each day in not calling him as I know no contact is recommended,but find it extremely hard.
I keep saying to myself, oh he will stop soon he loves me!! then I think..oh
he hates me and will divorce me over the pain meds..
we went through rough times but always stood by each other side (I had cancer 2 times) but this problem now is extremely difficult on me and we are not together to help each other.
do they feel sad? do they feel lonely? do they cry? do they get panic thinking what we are doing? can anyone tell me ?
I too have looked into meetings, just cant find the courage to go to one yet ..but know we should.
Please know your not alone and I feel for you all, I try to take it one day at a time but the days are awful long not knowing answers and missing the person we feel in love with.
I pray that we all heal through this.

Carol Star

Alanon and Naranon don't make you talk if you don't want to. You can just say....I am not ready to talk or I'll pass. They are just like you. They have been through it or are going through it. I am no contact with my XAH . Today is his 52nd birthday. I have been divorced 2 1/2yrs. I miss the potential of who he could be without substances, not who he had become. Time does help. I dream of him less, obsess about him less. Holidays and anniversaries are hard but are getting easier. I have serenity now. I don't have fear. I am not ready to date and may never want to or may down the road. The Eckart Tolle books have helped me alot to stay in the moment. Stay busy and try to help someone else. This too shall pass. I got so low at one point, but have come out of it about 95%. At one point I couldn't eat or sleep. One day I heard myself laugh out loud out with some girlfriends, and I knew the real me was slowly coming back. Slowly.....because you have to feel the feelings. There are stages of grief you bounce around in. Anger, denial, acceptance, bargaining, (I am missing one)......You bounce around in them. Back and forth.......until you stay in acceptance. Was sadness the one I'm missing? We are not alone. We are all one.