Hurtin2010

Well it's less than two weeks later and my addict has shown me he wasn't serious about quitting. When I posted my first thread everyone told me this would happen, but I believed it was just one slip up, that he really was done, stayed with him anyway, and now I feel like such a fool. I woke up again to my boyfriend in a cold sweat, clearly high on something. I asked him what was going on, and he said he took a hallucinogen called 2c. He said he was cleaning out all of his old stash spots, he wanted to get ride of anything he could abuse or anything that would trigger him to use. He said that he threw out any other drugs or paraphernalia he found, but he came across this 2c stuff and did it, because it is rare and he wanted to do it one last time, that he was going to give up doing any drugs to be with me and he knew if he told me he wanted to do it this one last time, I wouldn't understand. I told him he was right, I didn't understand, got up and left. He called me a few minute later and all I could say is you need help, I love you. I laid awake worrying about him all night. He is deeper in than I had thought and trying to understand this is harder than I could have imagined. I need help. I can’t find a Nar anon meeting in my city, and I don’t know who else would understand what I’m going through. I know I should leave him. That maybe he’ll get help if he sees the way his addictions are effecting his relationships, but I’m scared to let him go if he is this bad off. I am going to have to go back to his apt at some point and pick up all of my things- (we were moving in together and most of my stuff is there) I don't know what to say to him. I don't even know that he is ok. How do I say goodbye to someone I love so much who is clearly sick?

MsPINKAcres

((hurtin))

First if you can't find a Nar-Anon meeting, please try to find an Al-Anon meeting - those will help too.

BIG HUGS to you - I'm sure you are feeling lots of emotions, pains, heartaches right now - This is NO Fun place to be.

It is very hard to walk away from someone you care so deeply about - but please know something -

IT IS OK TO CARE ENOUGH ABOUT YOU TO WALK AWAY TO SAVE YOURSELF!! YOU DESERVE SAFETY, SANITY AND SERENITY!

For me, I needed lots and lots of self-care during these times - it was suggested that I focus on things that were healthy, nuturing and recovery oriented for myself to help me thru it.

Remember he is not doing this at you - he is just walking his own path - you stepping out of the way may help him to find his own way to getting the help he needs, of course there is the chance it may not - but either way - YOU can take care of you!

You deserve it and you are worth it.

HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)
Rita

outtolunch

Or you can accept him as is/where is, knowing that addictionis progressive.

What you can't do is control this or him or anyone, for that matter.

Please consider picking up a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. You can find it at your local library or used, at Amazon for about $2. or any large bookstore.

teke

hi,

how can you let go? try doing it one day at a time, literally. i agree that your leaving has to be what is best for you and not because you expect some reaction from him. maybe you could try alanon if you can't find naranon, just substitute the drug of choice in your mind, same steps and principals. you'll probably find a lot of family members of drug addicts there too.

sorry you are going through all of this but one day at a time, it will get easier as long as you are focusing on you. i'll keep you both in my prayers.

MrsMagoo

(((Hugs)))) So sorry you have to post this.

You can also try to locate a Celebrate Recovery meeting. Go to celebraterecovery.com and click on Find a Group in the upper right corner.

Another option may be to call a local doctor's office/practice or hospital and see if they know of any meetings in your area.

I found out too, the hard way, that what is usually predicted on SR, by the people who know either because they were addicts or loved addicts, was dead-on 100% accurate. In fact, it got to the point where I could tell my AH what he was going to say before he opened his mouth and it scared me. I felt like all addicts had a secret script or something. What I also found out was that us co-dependents have a secret script too and anyone that is involved in a recovery program for any amount of time, can read you and I like a book and predict our next step every time until we start getting healthy.

You did the right thing by getting up and leaving. It's never okay for them to use, not even one last time for old time's sake. Every time and any time could be the last time. You enforced a good boundary! That's a word you will hear often on SR.

Keep posting and stay strong. Listen, learn and incorporate as much as possible into your life and definately go find that Melody Beattie book - heck, any Melody Beattie book - she is awesome! I'm reading "The Language of Letting Go" for the second time and loving every minute of it just like I did the first go around.

laurie6781

I am sure you have heard from somewhere, at some time, that

"Let Go and Let God" and if it is meant to be some day you will reunite.

Now, I have seen this happen a few times, but ....................... it had never happened to me.

My first real love and I were 19 and 20 when we met. We never broke up, our 'families' decided we were not right for each other and we literally 'drifted' apart through their manipulations.

My first husband was an alcoholic and that was a big help in getting me to 'cross that line' into alcoholism, probably earlier than I would have otherwise. However, even in the stage of alcoholism I was in, after 10 years of marriage, I realized that I COULD NOT HELP HIM, and as much as it 'hurt' and as much as I cried, I went ahead and filed for divorce.

I eventually got sober, he did not. We would speak every so often, but he did pass away drunk.

My 2nd husband, I met in sobriety. He too was sober (I thought), however, developed a new habit, one of gambling and became addicted to it. Again, the pain, the hurt, the crying, the begging, and then I found Al-Anon.

Al-Anon had a bit different 'perspective' on the 12 Steps than I had already learned in AA and gave me the courage to once again "Let Go and Let God." That I could not 'fix' him, he would have to find his own recovery from the gambling just as he had from the Alcoholism. I hurt, I cried, I screamed sometimes "Why Me?" but I hung on to those folks (mostly the ladies, lol) in Al-Anon and they walked with me through all the pain. Yes I divorced him in July of '87.

I can tell you it does get better, honest. I can tell you that through the hurt and crying Al-Anon helped me tremendously to work on me, what I wanted out of life, my boundaries, etc.

Oh btw my First Love, was not an alcoholic or an addict, just a very promising young man, who 'treasured' me, and would have been for me my only husband had it happened. However, I truly believed that I would 'never' see him again, it just would never be (this is the abridged version).

I moved on with my life, it has been a good life. Have dated some, but got really really tired of all the 'games' that so many play, and stopped doing that over 7 years ago. That was alright it was my choice.

Now remember that old saying about if you love someone set them free, if it was meant to be they will return to you?

Well ................................................ I am 64, I will be 65 in early June. On January 7th of this year I received a phone call OUT OF THE PAST. Do you see where this is going? roflmao

Yep, my First Love. Even with the internet, I am not an easy person to find. He has spent years on and off looking for me. He was here for 4 days, and I will be going to Florida for two weeks in 15 days.

He is the same person I knew back then, only older and wiser as I am. We still 'click' just as back then.

So ........................... (((((Hurtin))))) please take care of you. You cannot know what is in store for you. It will hurt now, yes. You love this man. Please allow him the space and time he needs to find his bottom, to suffer his consequences and to find recovery. We will walk with you in spirit. Go to Al-Anon and get some much needed face to face support. You can get through this. You can continue to love him from afar. You can grow from this. It will hurt, no denying that. But the hurt will fade, you will grow stronger, your goals will become clearer, and you NEVER know what the future holds, he may come back to you whole and healthy, or you may find someone more suited to you and you to them.

You are the important one here. Please take care of you. Please keep posting as we do care do very much.

Love and hugs,

Hurtin2010

Thank you everyone. Your experience is helping me feel less alone in all of this, and I feel like I'm at the least learning about myself and what I can do . I can't fix him, but maybe I can make a stronger me.

Insulated

tonight seems to be posts after post of my life with an addict. I see your story and I WISH I'd found a meeting and this board prior to the phoney rehab stunts and ultimately my fiance's overdose death. I dont' do any drugs, and lived a life in sheer hell. Hell isn't a big enough adjective or adverb, to describe life under a roof with an addict/alcoholic. Yes, we lived together. And I wish I'd never done it. Now is the time to learn about yourself and and what you can do as respects to self preservation and holding your own. As meager or humble as your life may or may not be, preserve it! Step off his ride and get on your own.

Impurrfect

((Hurtin)) I'm the RA (recoving addict) and I'm the loved one OF the addict. I think it's harder to be the loved one, because we don't get to numb our feelings

The book "Codependent No More" is an eye-opener. I read it with my FIRST XABF (I had THREE) and realized I had a problem but wasn't ready to do anything about it. It took me until I was in my 40's to actually DO something about my codependency.

You're young, sweetie. Please, don't follow my path. I stayed with my first XABF for more than 20 years, thinking I was "in love" and it would get better. In reality, I was the one putting all the work into the relationship, and he was the one riding along.....getting drunk (the other 2 got high). I am convinced that I developed my OWN addiction because I couldn't deal with not being able to handle not being able to "fix" these relationships (along with a genetic predisposition toward addiction).

What I've learned, from the great people here, is that I can't "fix" anyone else...no matter HOW much I love them. When I am consumed with thoughts of someone else, I usually need to step back, and focus on myself. Often times, focusing on someone else, took my focus off of what I needed to deal with about myself. I didn't have major issues, but I'm a codie (from birth, I think).

I'm sorry for what you are going through, but I promise you...if you focus on YOU, you will be okay. He's going to do what he's going to do, no matter WHAT you do. Love doesn't cure addiction any more than it cures cancer. As a recovering addict, the most loving thing anyone ever did for me was stand back and let me deal with my consequences on my own. My loved ones set boundaries - "you use - you don't come around us" and that hurt, but it worked, for me and many other addicts.

Take care of you, sweetie, and let him deal with him. I walked away from a man I loved, dearly, because he wouldn't stop using. It hurt like he!!, but I had to do it for me. The pain eased off, as time went by and life moved forward.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

cessy68

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hopingicanhelp

There is nothing YOU can do to help him get better. I use to think that my ex-addict bf would just die without me, that he couldn't go on, b/c that is how he acted, I was scared he would actually kill us both. But ya know, he just did what he does best, found another dumb girl to lie to and manipulate. I was stupid like you while I was with him, and eventually I woke up, I hope you do to, sooner than later.