sinkingfast

Hi all - sorry - Im new here and have lurked for awhile and was conceited enough to think my problems with son were nearly over - oh how we fool ourselves huh?

Hes 35 , was 8 years clean of heroin after doing self detox. 19 months ago we got back on the same old merry go round. All the usual, lying, stealing, etc. etc. 5 weeks ago he was almost at rock bottom and begging us to help him go into rehab. Only place we could find that we could pay for was 6 weeks in another country.

He went in - very positive and we are due to travel to bring him home today week. Phone calls today - he cant stay there any longer, hes having panic attracks, doesnt need drugs, just wants to come home - hell be fine if we let him come home right now. Has learnt all he needs to about his addiction. Yeah right.

Said we wont come and get him nor will we give him the money to leave the rehab (he has no money at all with him or access to it) has threatened we dont love him, we dont understand, he will kill himself, he will be more mentally ill etc. etc. if we dont let him come home. Said if he leaves he cant come here and we are finished with him.

Asked him to sit quitely for a few hours before he walks out and cocks everything up again - said we will phone him there this evening.

What do we do?? Was this right - should we get him now and blow the last week or stick to our guns and risk him self harming or something?

So tired, so disappointed, and so, so sad.

teke

hi, welcome to sr.

i think you did right by not making a hasty decision. have you talked to his counselors about his threats about him hurting himself? is he going in to a halfway house or something or is he just coming home with you? just something to think about. why the urgency?.

i pray that he does well when other he gets back but something sounds kind of fishy to me. jmo

sinkingfast

yes I spoke with the counsellor and they agreed all the way with my husband and I - do NOT enable him to leave in any ways - if he chooses to walk then let him walk. Said many do this convincing themselves its not the drugs they want just to get home - but at the first panic attack its the drugs they go back to.

No he isnt going to a half way house - just home to live with us - where we live there is no support or rehab or halfway houses or anything and we have no more ,oney after paying for this to get him anymore help.. But we have been here before - we have another son living at home - 2 years clean and he also did the 6 weeks and it seemed to be what he needed but not sure this is working so well for this son.

I think the counsellor thinks the threats are just emotional blackmail as he is a dab hand at using this sort of thing to scare us into complying with what he wants from us! But I am VERY frightened that he may do something as he is emotionally very unstable right now.

suki44883

I agree with the counsellor. Your son is acting in a very typical way for an addict. He is trying to guilt-trip you into getting him out of there and taking him back into your home. Please do not fall for it. It would just be a merry-go-round of past behaviors. He is 35 years old and it's way past time he learned to deal with his own problems. Don't fall for the emotional blackmail.

sinkingfast

Thanks so much all for responding - I think you are all confirming what my mind is telling me but my heart doesnt want to believe.

Ho hum - the battle goes on. Does this only end at the grave??? His or ours?

coffeedrinker

If only we had a crystal ball to see where it ends, we would all have an easier time with our decisions!!

I am glad you spoke with one of the counselors; I was wondering if they were kicking him out.

You are absolutely right in saying and doing exactly what you did. I wish there was some place other than your home for him to go to once released. You guys will have to have clear rules in place, and stick to your guns when he does come back.

How many times has he relapsed after getting sober?

Seren

Wow...tough as it has been for you....YES...you did the right thing. I can't begin to tell you how many times parents on these boards have been told "you don't love me", "you just don't understand", and "I'll kill myself" in some form or another. All from their addict children who are trying to manipulate them. It really hurts!!! My husband had to kick his addict son out of his house one year ago after he almost drank himself to death and then turned to crack.

This young man has spent some time in local detention centers and the homeless shelter, but the good news is, he starts a new job tomorrow. We worried about him, but he survived....so will your son.

I pray that he will find his way out of this nightmare soon! Hugs, HG

Hunny1116

Sinking fast,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am facing some of the same issues with my DA son and have reached out here for support. I know that I am not the best person to make decisions about him. I think you were wise to discuss this with his counselors instead of rushing to him.

Keep posting....I would have caved on my boundaries with my son recently if it had not been for SR.


Hunny

BEBEGGERT

My daughter is only 17... in and out of hospitals fo rwmotional issues since 12... eventually addiction... she just returned from 12 months of lock down rehab.... (its only been 2 months and so far ALL IS GOOD)... I tend to be skeptical of short term rehab

Spiritual Seeker

You are doing exactly what is prescribed by the professionals. You don't have to hang-on to the insanity of addiction. You can detach.
How wonderful that you were able to get your son into treatment and there for him
when he asked for help. Now it is up to him.

When my adult son went to rehab (his last and 3rd time ) the rehab had us write letters stating that if he left we would not offer him transportation, money, a place to live, etc. They insist that all parents abide by the letter.
They hold the letters and if the inpatient is about to leave they give it to them.


My son got kicked out after two months; because he knew he had no support from home, he actually pleaded with them to let him come back. Luckily, they let him back after he spent two days on the streets.

Glad you are participating here. Look forward to getting to know you better

sinkingfast

Well what a difference a day makes! Went to bed last night with my heart in my mouth imagining son out on the street in a strange country without a penny to his name.

Phoned the rehab last thing to see if he had followed up on his threat and gone - he wasnt and spoke to me. sounded like a different person. Said he had been to 4 counselling sessions with different counsellors through out the day. Then went to meditation - said he had a very strange and warm feeling and suddenly felt very calm and at peace. Heart rate had dropped dramatically and any wish to 'run' had just left him. He said he didnt really know how to explain it but whatever happened whilst meditating it certainly turned the corner for him.

Did tell him Id spent most of the afternoon and evening praying for him but dont know if maybe that had helped - in stead of ridiculing me (as he usually does) he said it could be possible as anything is possible now in his opinion.

Huge apologies to me and his Dad and his brother for how he spoke to us and using emotional blackmail - told me it was the addict talking not him and I guess that is true in a way?

Feeling so much better today - and cant thank you enough for your words of encouragement - and my other son (the one 2 years clean) said that this is the first time we have refused to enable the other son and it is the best result we have ever had with him trying to manipulate us.

I think my husband and I have learnt a lesson yesterday that we will have to keep firm on ANY more issues that might arise in his recovery.

sinkingfast

Sorry Coffeedrinker - meant to say - he got himself clean 9 years ago and was fine until he lost his job in the recession last year and started taking heroin again - we did get him on cold turkey at home but after a week it all failed and we told him he would have to leave our house until he got clean again. Several months passed and he made a few attempts to cold turkey where he was living with his girlfriend (she isnt a drug user) - non worked and he begged us to help him get into rehab - that is where his is right now.

outtolunch

Oh my stars. I had a similar experience with my daughter, 2 years ago. The same threats and all, as your own son was making. During the worst of it, I came to terms with the fear for her physical and emotional safety if she bolted, by reminding myself of the very real risks associated with her using heroin and that I had no control over any of it.

Eventually, like your son, she too acquired a " sudden calmness". Eventually, shortly before her departure, it was determined that she had been using drugs, while in rehab. I hope this is not the case with your son. That your son is acknowledging his attempt to manipulate you is very encouraging.

You threw your son an opportunity. Now the rest is up to him. Good job on your part for resisting the urge to rescue him.

teke

sounds like to me, its possible that the urge to use was trying to get the best of him. addiction has a voice and mind of its own at times. those intense cravings can pop up out of no where but with using the tools of recovery, they can disappear just as fast. its like one minute "i gotta go" and the next "i'm ok".

i'm happy to hear he got through whatever it was he was going through and glad to hear that things worked out for all of you. now you know!