He Got Clean. I Want Him Back
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 1
He Got Clean. I Want Him Back
In a nutshell: We lived together and were engaged for 2 years. Six months in, I found out he was on crack. I went through hell. We broke up for 2 more years. In that he got clean. We reconnected last year, but now he says he is working on himself and he wants to be "friends."
He turned into the man I wanted, but now he does not want me.
Is this typical? How do I get him back?
I know it is not right, but I feel that I went through all the hell, so why can't I get the benefit of the good?
I know you give good advice, so please help me.
He turned into the man I wanted, but now he does not want me.
Is this typical? How do I get him back?
I know it is not right, but I feel that I went through all the hell, so why can't I get the benefit of the good?
I know you give good advice, so please help me.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Victoria, BC
Posts: 51
Addicts are addicts for life. Everyday is a chance that they might relapse. I've lived with addicts all my life. I'm 53 and I'm still trying to break free from wishing with all my heart that a recovering addict can stay clean. I've spent my whole life holding my breath that everything would be alright this time. It won't. You can't live in a relationship like that. As soon as your trust begins to rebuild it is dashed on the ground. All three of my addicted men were wonderful guys except for addiction. I'm only one week out of my last 5 year relationship and I'm still in agony. They all did detoxes, rehabs, and various other programs. Love is not enough to keep them sober.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
I totally understand what you are saying. One year ago this week my husband came home from rehab. He was clean for 10 months and recently relapsed. Now that he is working his recovery again he says he is moving out because basically I will hinder his recovery. I'm getting counseling and Al-Anon, but he will not even discuss marriage counseling at this point. He says too much has happened. We have been together for 15 years, married almost 6 and have a 22 month old little boy. When he was clean I started to see the life we would have led if he hadn't turned to prescription painkillers 3 years ago. The first few months he was home were rough, but happiness and normalcy were starting the come back in our lives. For 12 years of our relationship we had a solid foundation. Now he needs to work on him and intellectually I get it, but this was never what I wanted for my family.
While I do believe addicts are addicts for life as Ninja said I have to believe that some people come out of their addictions as better people and can have normal functioning, productive relationships. At this point I wouldn't push the issue with your ex. If you can be friends with someone you have feelings for that is great, but don't put yourself into a situation where you are waiting around for someone. If it is meant to be it may work itself back into something. If not just be happy for him!
While I do believe addicts are addicts for life as Ninja said I have to believe that some people come out of their addictions as better people and can have normal functioning, productive relationships. At this point I wouldn't push the issue with your ex. If you can be friends with someone you have feelings for that is great, but don't put yourself into a situation where you are waiting around for someone. If it is meant to be it may work itself back into something. If not just be happy for him!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I am not so jaded, as ninja, although I do not wish to invalidate her experience. I have seen success stories, look at the majority of people in the recovery field - most of them have had their battle with drugs or alcohol. I think key to those people staying in sobriety, is that they are immersed in leading healthy, sober lives practically 24/7. As it is with ALL addicts (IMO) -- they have to live there in that world all the time. It is not a band aid, it is a new way of life.
That said, you do need to respect his wishes, and believe that he is in his right mind when he says what kind of relationship he wants. It is not fair or sane for you to speculate that if he really understood what a life and a love with you would be like, he'd come running back. NOT saying you are, just threw that out there.
"If you love someone, set them free.....if they don't come back, they never were" rings true here. You were who you were, and he was a different person while on crack. For you to still be who you were (are) and him to have changed dramatically, well that doesn't make sense, does it? Perhaps you and he can have a conversation about what is going on with his feelings (in a non-agenda pushing way) and you can get understanding and closure.
That said, you do need to respect his wishes, and believe that he is in his right mind when he says what kind of relationship he wants. It is not fair or sane for you to speculate that if he really understood what a life and a love with you would be like, he'd come running back. NOT saying you are, just threw that out there.
"If you love someone, set them free.....if they don't come back, they never were" rings true here. You were who you were, and he was a different person while on crack. For you to still be who you were (are) and him to have changed dramatically, well that doesn't make sense, does it? Perhaps you and he can have a conversation about what is going on with his feelings (in a non-agenda pushing way) and you can get understanding and closure.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: new york
Posts: 227
Keep in mind that so much time has passed. Not only is he a different person, so are you. Even if he is clean, how much stress and turmoil did you suffer when he wasn't? IMO, put him in a special place in the back of your heart and move on. You will find your path. Addicts, men, significant others don't "define" us. We define ourselves.....you may think you want him back because he is clean, but there are no guarantees. Do what is best for YOU! :-)
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
there is a lot of wisdom above. i think, if you can, try to take it one day at a time. try not force the issue, except his friendship if thats what you want and respect his decisions. for now, watch his actions, take the time to reaquaint yourself with him if possible. you never know, in time, you may feel differently.
i believe for me, addiction is a genetic trait, i also believe there is hope but staying clean and sober is very hard work and so is being in codie recovery. i'm 7yrs clean today but i can't forget that i previously had 5yrs, then 9yrs clean, relapsed and almost lost everything each time before i could find my way back. today i can never take my sobriety for granted.
i think addiction is life long and recovery has to become a way of life(same for codependancy,i think). do you really want to take that chance? if so, the choice is yours and whatever decision you make, we are here for you.
i took that chance for 21yrs, a back and forth relationship, before i could except that his addiction belonged to him and that if i wanted to stop the madness, i had to change.
today, i'm at peace, no more waiting for the ball to drop, no more worring about whether he's using or not, no more disappearing acts, no more sleeping with keys or hidding valuables.
today, he's clean again(prison), though we do have kids together, i can only wish him well, keep praying and offer him friendship one day, if he lets me. if not, oh well.
me, i'm done, i just don't feel like taking the chance of going through all i've been through again. just sharing my esp.
i say keep focusing on you. have you gone to any alanon or naranon meetings for yourself? i'll keep you and him in my prayers.
i believe for me, addiction is a genetic trait, i also believe there is hope but staying clean and sober is very hard work and so is being in codie recovery. i'm 7yrs clean today but i can't forget that i previously had 5yrs, then 9yrs clean, relapsed and almost lost everything each time before i could find my way back. today i can never take my sobriety for granted.
i think addiction is life long and recovery has to become a way of life(same for codependancy,i think). do you really want to take that chance? if so, the choice is yours and whatever decision you make, we are here for you.
i took that chance for 21yrs, a back and forth relationship, before i could except that his addiction belonged to him and that if i wanted to stop the madness, i had to change.
today, i'm at peace, no more waiting for the ball to drop, no more worring about whether he's using or not, no more disappearing acts, no more sleeping with keys or hidding valuables.
today, he's clean again(prison), though we do have kids together, i can only wish him well, keep praying and offer him friendship one day, if he lets me. if not, oh well.
me, i'm done, i just don't feel like taking the chance of going through all i've been through again. just sharing my esp.
i say keep focusing on you. have you gone to any alanon or naranon meetings for yourself? i'll keep you and him in my prayers.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
People change, situations change and trying to turn back the clock just never works.
Maybe just believe him right now and move on with your life, you can't reclaim what you never owned.
And...on a sidenote...I looked at your profile to see how old you were, and it appears you are 98 years old
You may want to correct that, lol.
Wishing you luck and love in your days ahead.
Maybe just believe him right now and move on with your life, you can't reclaim what you never owned.
And...on a sidenote...I looked at your profile to see how old you were, and it appears you are 98 years old
You may want to correct that, lol.Wishing you luck and love in your days ahead.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Even if you are 98, there are other men in the sea. Go for a younger man.
Grieve, Learn your lessons and move on. Much of life is about learning to let go.
He is not as perfect as loss will make him out to be.
Grieve, Learn your lessons and move on. Much of life is about learning to let go.
He is not as perfect as loss will make him out to be.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I am sorry that you are hurting and understand your longing. It is hard to go through hell and then not reap in any good that might come from it.
Actually, maybe you are reaping the good though....it's just a thought. Maybe you are stronger now and more aware from what you have gone through. Remember, rejection is protection. Only it just takes awhile to see that. You don't know what is ahead for him and maybe this is your HP's way of protecting you from more pain in the future although there is short term pain now.
We all have ideas of the man that we dream of....it's important to remember though that the man that we dream of recognizes that we are the woman that he dreams of as well. In my mind, a man that isn't interested in a relationship with me is definitely not the man of my dreams.
On another front.....my husband got clean after his first marriage. On the surface he now looks like the man that his 1st wife dreamed of... let me tell you, it's a whole lot harder and rougher to live with him than it looks from the outside. I got the "good stuff" and trust me.... it's not all that good. It is easy to romantize it all and long for the shoulda, woulda, coulda's... but those are simply illusions.
I'm betting that in the end you will find yourself in future situations where you end up being grateful that things are not working out now. Part of my codieness is believing in the fairy tale (we could have/should have lived happily ever after) but maybe true happiness lies a little bit down the road in other situations...The expression "don't give up before the miracle happens" is a great one. Try and open up your heart to what the miracle might be for you. He might be giving you the greatest gift you have ever received.
Actually, maybe you are reaping the good though....it's just a thought. Maybe you are stronger now and more aware from what you have gone through. Remember, rejection is protection. Only it just takes awhile to see that. You don't know what is ahead for him and maybe this is your HP's way of protecting you from more pain in the future although there is short term pain now.
We all have ideas of the man that we dream of....it's important to remember though that the man that we dream of recognizes that we are the woman that he dreams of as well. In my mind, a man that isn't interested in a relationship with me is definitely not the man of my dreams.
On another front.....my husband got clean after his first marriage. On the surface he now looks like the man that his 1st wife dreamed of... let me tell you, it's a whole lot harder and rougher to live with him than it looks from the outside. I got the "good stuff" and trust me.... it's not all that good. It is easy to romantize it all and long for the shoulda, woulda, coulda's... but those are simply illusions.
I'm betting that in the end you will find yourself in future situations where you end up being grateful that things are not working out now. Part of my codieness is believing in the fairy tale (we could have/should have lived happily ever after) but maybe true happiness lies a little bit down the road in other situations...The expression "don't give up before the miracle happens" is a great one. Try and open up your heart to what the miracle might be for you. He might be giving you the greatest gift you have ever received.
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