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An Eye Opener

Old 01-19-2010, 07:54 PM
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An Eye Opener

I just read Ann's post from The Language of Letting Go - Owning Our Power and a light bulb went off in my head when I read this:

There is one feeling we need to pay particular attention to in recovery: feeling victimized. We do not need to become comfortable with that feeling.

How do we feel when we've been victimized? Helpless. Rageful. Powerless. Frustrated.

Feeling victimized is dangerous. Often, it can prompt us into addictive or other compulsive behaviors.


I have a strong feeling this is a big part of why my RAH is telling me he wants a divorce. Just tonight we had a fight where now that I've read that post can see how much I play the victim. Tonight he came over as he has every night this week since leaving to play with our son and help put him to bed. Yesterday he said he would have $1500 to repay me from last month when he relapsed and took it from my account. Now I feel very strongly about people holding themselves accountable for their actions. He took the money he should replenish it so that I can pay the mortgage. I haven't gotten into it with him about it until now. He offered the money and to me it is the absolute right thing for him to do. Well, he didn't like that I asked about it and was grumbling that if he had it on him he would have given it to me.

Me: Well, M, in the past you've put things like this off and the only way I have ever gotten the money was if I asked persistantly.

Him: You know I don't HAVE to give you anything. I will give you the money by the end of the week because I want to, but I don't have to.

That comment about him not having to do it just pissed me off because seriously I don't HAVE to NOT go to the cops for him forging my signature. I didn't say that though. Instead I said, "You are right-it is the right thing to do. Before you forged that check we had over $3000 in there. It wasn't like it was a mutual decision for us to take the $1500 you did it on your own."

After that last comment he said something about how my attitude is why we can't be together anymore. I spit back something about how he is pretty equal in the bad attitude department. It is just UGLY!

All this time I've thought that our relationship was going south because of me not totally forgiving him, but after reading Owning Our Power I'm starting to think that I'e been playing the victim this whole time.
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Old 01-19-2010, 10:35 PM
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Wow...I needed to hear THAT tonight! I too had checks stolen and forged to the tune of $1000 recently. Though it has happened in the past, I was always hesitant to press charges because at the time the checks were written, he had created such a mess for himself that I hated to add to it. He was always sorry and was always going to pay me back (rarely did, of course).

Well, this time was the last time for me. I was tired of sleeping with my purse, trying to figure out how I was going to pay the bills after he had cleaned out the account and didn't want to spend the next 6 months trying to play catch up. I pressed charges.

Everytime the phone rings, I cringe. Is it him calling me from jail to rip into me for pressing charges against him? But, you know what.....I shouldn't cringe. He made the decision to search for my purse. He made the decision to take my checkbook and write those checks. I wouldn't tolerate that from anyone else....why him?

Up until now, I have allowed him to get away with stealing from me. In a way, it is liberating to finally enforce those boundaries I have been threatening for years.
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Old 01-19-2010, 11:08 PM
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sorry you are going through this. i agree, maybe if he feels he can get away with it once, he's more than likely to do it again. my ah stole from me too, always promising to pay back but rarely did. when asked about it, yes, you guessed it, a huge fight. i learned to press charges. i got tired of sleeping with my purse and any valuables i could stuff in my pockets.
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Old 01-20-2010, 06:34 AM
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Glad that reading helped, I love the book Language of Letting Go.

I found that I was "victimized" until I said "enough" and stopped putting up with it. I too didn't lay charges for various reasons/excuses when I was stolen from, even after several times. Today I would give one warning only and take it to the max second time in.

When I had enough I said "if you ever do that again I will call the police, have you arrested and tell them everything I know about you and your addiction. It might just save your life."

He never stole from me again.

The stolen cheque (especially from the middle of the cheque book), piggy bank robbing, stolen jewelry and valuables...these are all old stories here, we've all paid the price but we can stop the moment we say "enough".

Hope it gets better for you. Wish I had done what I suggested here a lot sooner than I did. We're ready when we are ready and not a moment before.

Hugs
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