cmhcali

I posted before how I pretty much caught my abf red handed. I gave him a chance to get honest and obviously he did not. We drove home from our weekend away and he said do not worry I will not relapse over this.

No sooner had I dropped him off and he called his three dealers. I called him out on it he said I called noone I said do you want phone numbers he said yeah. I gave him phone numbers and he said I have not called those numbers. I said I saw the calls you are lying and I gave you a chance. I am done.

I feel numb. He did not text back he knew he was caught and he was going to get high so why would he care. I feel he never loved me, used me.

My brother whom is a recovering addict assured me that he does love me but I did the right thing.

I am so sick as to thinking why is he not calling. I would not answer or text back but I want to feel loved. Please help. I need you guys.

itisatruth

He's not calling because he wants to use right now. This is not about you; it's about his 'disease'. I don't believe an active addict can fully love anyone, not even themselves. Now, I said this is not about you...and his using, his not calling, his lies & decisions aren't....but what you are doing should be all about you - and as hard as it is right now, you did what you needed to do, and that's a good step forward. I know how hard it is; keep sharing and posting, try to keep the focus on you - can you get out for some real life support too? Remember we're here for you. Hugs~

cmhcali

The problem is we are all in the same network in recovery. I dont want everyone to know he is using. That is his business his recovery. I have the support of my brother and a few close friends but it is hard. I am going to go to alanon when I get a chance. I had plans already for this upcoming weekend with a girl..

Right now I am praying, eating what I can and trying to regain emotional strength. I know it is not about me but it sure hurts like hell. I need to be strong and not allow him to manipulate me if he calls. I have seen all the support on here. I need that. People who do not know me and can be honest. A lot of my friends just listen as they are too scared to hurt my feelings.

Ann

Make the chance soon, girl, nothing helped me more than live meetings and working 12 little steps that saved my life.

Hope you use your energy to take care of yourself, because nobody else can do what we can do for ourselves.

Hugs

cmhcali

Thank you so much anvilhead for saying this

"i am VERY proud of you for having enough self respect and good ole fashioned recovery to hold true to your boundaries."

I did not think of it that way. I do respect myself today. I have the ability to love myself and not seek outside approval. Thank god for my recovery I will keep posting as I am sure it will be ups and downs!

cmhcali

Thanks Ann. I have done the 12 steps through AA. Not sure if alanon is different. But I do qualify for both meetings though being raised by an alcoholic father and having all my siblings in recovery.

greeteachday

The steps are the same, it's just the focus that is different. Alanon or Naranon helps to take the focus off of trying to change or control the addicted loved ones in our lives and focus on how we can let that go. I found that extremely liberating...the realization that I am not powerful enough to change anything or anyone else (seems funny now for me to believe I ever thought I could) has helped me focus on what I can change...Me - my actions and reactions.

It made me sad to read your comment "I just want to be loved." I was happy when I read further and saw your realization that loving yourself is the first and most important step in feeling loved. Good for you!

cmhcali

Thanks greeteach day I will definitely check them out. I am willing to go to any lengths for me. That is so important. Someone at a meeting tonight said the only difference between me and a guy that went out was I had the willingness to stay sober and it helped. I have the willingness to get through this

Impurrfect

(((cmhcali))) - to me, recovery from substance abuse and recovery from codependence, though I've done them at the same time, they are different, if that makes sence.

With the substance, we have abstinence. With codie-ness, well you can go no-contact, but to me it's just different and it was the first time I had to learn how to focus on what I wanted. Heck, I didn't even KNOW what I wanted! I'd been high, or wanting to get high for so long, and in messed up relationships...worried about some man, that I'd forgotten what I wanted or who I was.

That's where everyone here helped, so much, and though I don't go to meetings, I have some awesome people in my life who are very compassionate and non-codie, and that helps.

I am proud of you, too. I know how bad this hurts. I remember. To this day, I believe my last ex loved me, but he couldn't love me the way I wanted and needed to be loved. Lying was part of who he was, and I just can't tolerate lying.

Keep taking care of you, sweetie, and believe in yourself.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Carol Star

Alanon really saved me. I was newly sober and leaving my AH at the same time. It was a country,small meeting very close group of about 6 of us. We broke all the rules.....crosstalk and talking about the alcoholics,but I needed that group and the pulled me together. I saw I was not alone in this lonely disease. Two people had addict kids they had had to let go of. My sponser had an XAH and son in recovery. One lady was the sister and daughter of an alcoholic so I related to her too. They saved my life. I agree with the no contact because in the long run it is easier. I would not worry about protecting whether he is using again or not.....they are his choices and he needs to feel the consequences. Let go or be dragged. It feels like surgery with a hacksaw. Now after being divorced for 2 1/2 years I see I missed his potential...not who he really was. See it as it really is. You are not alone.

Wolfchild

Once i learned how to love myself, and express that in my attitudes & actions, the obsession and compulsion to get that from others was lifted. Daily faith & trust in a power greater than myself helps me to accept myself, just as i am, and to be willing to move forward no matter what.

i hope you will find the desire to be the most important person in your life and to take action with discovering your personal value.

cmhcali

Thank you everyone for posting. He did call this morning. I did not answer. I know I cannot talk to him now and a friend of mine said not to even attempt it until I am right with god. I am not I am in denial. I guess the first stage of grieving.

I do need to tell on myself as I keep checking his phone records and see constant texts to his dealers and calls. I need to stop this behavior. Suggestions?

sofacat

Step One

We admitted we were powerless over the addict - that our lives had become unmanageable. ~NarAnon

Impurrfect

I had to stop that type of behavior in sort of the same way I stopped thinking about drugs....when I'd think about doing it, I'd say "STOP" and distract myself. Had to do it a million times a day, at first, but it got better.

It's like we're looking for some improvement...something to tell us our gut feeling is wrong. Even if he didn't text TODAY, what about tomorrow? Or the next day? Do you really want to be checking his phone records for the rest of your life?...don't need an answer, but something to think about.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

cmhcali

You are right. It is spiraling out of control now. I got a text from a friend in his network asking how I was doing. I was like ok why? And he was like I heard about abf and wanted to see how you were doing? I was like oh how did you hear? He said he had borrowed money from a friend and it was coming out.

God had me prepared. I am sure more will come out. We have a fellowship of like 150 common friends all young people and they all love both of us. God is preparing me.

About the phone records they have not improved. I know they will not and you are right I need to stop. I start school back tomorrow which is a blessing. He leaves in March to Iraq for over a year. I will be ok.

meditation

As an addict in recovery something occurred to me. Not trying to excuse his bad behavior or addiction but if they were going to send me overseas to possibly die well that would be setting me up for a huge huge trigger. One would have to be incredibly strong in recovery to not have a relapse and wow I sure would not want to be in the military trying to detox, alone in a foreign country. He has some problems to face and maybe he lacks courage.

You still need to do what you got to do because living the way you are is not peaceful, not healthy. You both are in my thoughts and prayers.

teke

i'm a ra but my ah was still active before going to prison. even though i had long periods of sobriety, i still relapsed. we were both in the same recovery circle too. at times, i found myself focusing more on him and his program which slowly caused me to forget about my own. i found it very hard to stay sober while living with someone else in active addiction.

his truth was bound to come out eventually. i did alot of investigative work myself, but all that did was keep me stuck. time will eventually let you know all you need to know. so what you can to keep the focus on you and let him do the same. his actions are definitely not a reflection on you. it has nothing to do with you at all.

cmhcali

Inner turmoil! He sent a facebook status update that stated he got honest with god and a few people and feels better. I need to be strong not to reach out!

I understand his fear of going overseas. However he knew I was there to talk about anything. I was always letting him do his program and kept my own thank god. What will be will be I just need to pray to have the courage not to text him

Teggie

It's only words typed into a computer. Listen to the actions, not the words.

Hugs
Teggie

meditation

Just keep on with your program. When he does deploy you will have some time to sort out things and maybe that's a blessing for you and for him. I have no idea what being in the military is like but maybe it will help him to face his fears and own up to issues. It can't be a bad thing. Hugs to you.