made him leave
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 44
made him leave
good morning all, its been a while since I post however i try to read this site every day or so. i told my story last year but basically I have a herion AH . this rollercoster has made some huge drops and I just am falling apart .We were going to marriage therephy, and i have alonon sponsor and go
to 3 meetings a week. I am working the steps but my heart is overpowering and I am devisatated. Sept he took off on my and our little ones on a bender for 2 months. Lost his really decent paying job. He missed both kids bdays and finally deceided ot go to his grandmas to get better. got clean and then I fell for the munilplitive bs that hes better, hes gong ot do anything to be here with me and the kids, Im his life he wants to be here, bla, bla. so I let him home. BOOM! 2 weeks hes back to being lazy, not helpin with kids or housework. He starting his sneaking off crap and then on Nov 16 - he was to go run an errand and retun cause we had marriage counsling that evening - well never came back. He wouldnt respond to my text or calls. FINALLY i get a call from the cops they found him OD in his car in a park! He was alive and had to be taken to ER. The found shooting up stuff and some remains so hes not facing a felony! They didnt take him to Jail cause his heart was acting up so he got to come home. So I of course had a reality check myself thinking how the hell can he do this to us - leave his kids and me - WTF! Well I thought that scared him into recovery but he was only clean (HE SAYS HE WAS) for a couple weeks then he took off on me & kids for 3 days again in December. I let him come home again cuz he text me hes depressed and I hurt his feeligs and his kids hate him, ect. So I felt so sad for him and let him come home. We did the chirstmas thing with all the families but he got some $ cash from his dad and I didnt see him for 4 days! He finally came bangin on the door at 9pm on JAN 2 and said he lost his keys it was below zero and my daughter saw him and started getting excited so I was put in a bad spot and I called his mom and she convinced me to let him in.. UGG ... So what happends this time he asks for my help and admitted to using ...I want you to help me bla -- so I put my alnon practices to work. I said I cannot help you - you have to do this your self. I am in my own recovery. I have boundries and if your not clean I dont want you here around the kids. So he started going to aa meeings for a couple days and started helping round the house. well what do you know last week he went missing again and had my car and i had no way to get my kids from daycare so he shows up after 6pm to get them with some bs story. I basically had my breaking point. he came home with the kids I asked him to leave. He swears he was clean but had lost his phone, ect. I said my gut says your not 100% clean and I am fed up. He got all mad and started calling me names ect. i forgot to mention our marriage counsler said if we cant get along he should make arriangements to leave so he can work on his own recovery. that was hard to hear cause now its back to single motherhood. The small things he did really helped like running them to daycare so I can work on time, ect. I wouldnt allow him to be home with them alone cause Hes either tired cause he cant sleep at night or he got stuff to do.. has meetings, job huting. PLUS I dont trust him alone with the kids at this point. has not built that trust back. Well now he ran to his enableing mother again and left us. last conversation he just kept saying I dont want to keep ighting with you. He continue to blams me for his problem. He wont respond to my calls, text ,ect. he left all his clothes here and cigs. I am not sure what is going on cuz shes made at me now cause of all this. He hasnt givien me a dime to pay for any bills and I am siting on my mortgage money ready to use it to file. I just cant get the strenght to do it. I have been with him for 17 years -we were highschool sweethearts. I know I deserve better, my kids do as well. I know he loves us things are great when hes clean but thats just not happening - he continues to use drugs ..but his actions are telling me he wants to be single life. WHY CANT I LET GO!
He has court on Friday to deciede what they are going to do about the felony . His mom paid for a lawyer of course so now probabily will get a misdemearnor and probabtion. If that happens he will have to take a pee test evey week but you all know they are professionals with that one! Thanks for lettng me share. Sofacat, way to go with your situation! Callie how the heck did you get the strngth to file! Hang in there girl . I see a great future for you and your kids! I am praying for everyone on SR 
to 3 meetings a week. I am working the steps but my heart is overpowering and I am devisatated. Sept he took off on my and our little ones on a bender for 2 months. Lost his really decent paying job. He missed both kids bdays and finally deceided ot go to his grandmas to get better. got clean and then I fell for the munilplitive bs that hes better, hes gong ot do anything to be here with me and the kids, Im his life he wants to be here, bla, bla. so I let him home. BOOM! 2 weeks hes back to being lazy, not helpin with kids or housework. He starting his sneaking off crap and then on Nov 16 - he was to go run an errand and retun cause we had marriage counsling that evening - well never came back. He wouldnt respond to my text or calls. FINALLY i get a call from the cops they found him OD in his car in a park! He was alive and had to be taken to ER. The found shooting up stuff and some remains so hes not facing a felony! They didnt take him to Jail cause his heart was acting up so he got to come home. So I of course had a reality check myself thinking how the hell can he do this to us - leave his kids and me - WTF! Well I thought that scared him into recovery but he was only clean (HE SAYS HE WAS) for a couple weeks then he took off on me & kids for 3 days again in December. I let him come home again cuz he text me hes depressed and I hurt his feeligs and his kids hate him, ect. So I felt so sad for him and let him come home. We did the chirstmas thing with all the families but he got some $ cash from his dad and I didnt see him for 4 days! He finally came bangin on the door at 9pm on JAN 2 and said he lost his keys it was below zero and my daughter saw him and started getting excited so I was put in a bad spot and I called his mom and she convinced me to let him in.. UGG ... So what happends this time he asks for my help and admitted to using ...I want you to help me bla -- so I put my alnon practices to work. I said I cannot help you - you have to do this your self. I am in my own recovery. I have boundries and if your not clean I dont want you here around the kids. So he started going to aa meeings for a couple days and started helping round the house. well what do you know last week he went missing again and had my car and i had no way to get my kids from daycare so he shows up after 6pm to get them with some bs story. I basically had my breaking point. he came home with the kids I asked him to leave. He swears he was clean but had lost his phone, ect. I said my gut says your not 100% clean and I am fed up. He got all mad and started calling me names ect. i forgot to mention our marriage counsler said if we cant get along he should make arriangements to leave so he can work on his own recovery. that was hard to hear cause now its back to single motherhood. The small things he did really helped like running them to daycare so I can work on time, ect. I wouldnt allow him to be home with them alone cause Hes either tired cause he cant sleep at night or he got stuff to do.. has meetings, job huting. PLUS I dont trust him alone with the kids at this point. has not built that trust back. Well now he ran to his enableing mother again and left us. last conversation he just kept saying I dont want to keep ighting with you. He continue to blams me for his problem. He wont respond to my calls, text ,ect. he left all his clothes here and cigs. I am not sure what is going on cuz shes made at me now cause of all this. He hasnt givien me a dime to pay for any bills and I am siting on my mortgage money ready to use it to file. I just cant get the strenght to do it. I have been with him for 17 years -we were highschool sweethearts. I know I deserve better, my kids do as well. I know he loves us things are great when hes clean but thats just not happening - he continues to use drugs ..but his actions are telling me he wants to be single life. WHY CANT I LET GO!
He has court on Friday to deciede what they are going to do about the felony . His mom paid for a lawyer of course so now probabily will get a misdemearnor and probabtion. If that happens he will have to take a pee test evey week but you all know they are professionals with that one! Thanks for lettng me share. Sofacat, way to go with your situation! Callie how the heck did you get the strngth to file! Hang in there girl . I see a great future for you and your kids! I am praying for everyone on SR 
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Thanks for that Lady...I'm trying the "one day at a time" practice, and it is working for Me. But I think it's only working, because I want it to work this time...for Me. I also realize how much enabling I have been doing all these years, and I am trying to forgive myself for it.
Don't get me wrong, I have a hole in my heart. I am mourning the loss of someone who has been such a big part of my life for the last 11 years. It just sucks at times, but every day I'm not with him...it gets a little bit better each day, and I'm not as "lovesick" as I was a few weeks ago.
I have really been using this time to get in touch with myself and figure out why I am attracted to "fixer uppers". I have major abandonment issues, and self esteem I have to work on. Nobody's going to do that for Me.
In a way He (and all the others) have been "my drug". A way for me to keep the focus on someone else, instead of focusing on Me. I am no better than people who are addicted to drugs and alcohol, because I am addicted to them. I am also a workaholic and a clean freak and a worry wort.
I started to think about my hypocrisy and how much work I expected him to do on his recovery, but I had not been doing that for myself. I didn't realize that being selfish doesn't have to be a four letter word...and it's not only okay for Me to let go of Him, it's better for Him as well.
Every day I do not hear from Him, I experience anger, guilt, frustration, loss, panic, sadness, defeat and resentment. But I realize those are symptoms of my own detox and I get better every day that I work on me.
What people may not realize is that most couples when they separate have been thinking about their "exit" strategy...and mentally planning it for awhile before they break. With us it's a "Surprise, I relapsed!" and in a split second you go from feeling one way and ripped apart the next. It's maddening, and their drug is their mistress.You can't compete with it, you can't compare yourself to it, you can't reason with it...you are just left there in the dust of the drug...and it is exhausting.
But, let's be honest...we have been thinking about it...we fantasize about our lives without them...hell, I even thought about his death, and wondered if that's what it will take for him to find peace. For Me, my A works "on the road" so I am used to being home alone a lot, for some of you your A's disappear, and you're left home to take care of all the "life stuff". So, we have been living without them for awhile...we just have good times mixed in there in spurts and those are the memories we seem to hold on to.
Now, I look at the big picture. What have "I" been getting from this relationship? How does it benefit "Me".
Do I feel like a woman and pretty with him?
Nope...the opiates killed his sex drive a long time ago.
Do I feel financially secure with Him?
Nope...he blows his money on drugs...and when he's "dry" he doesn't save money, he spends it just as if he were on drugs.
Do I feel safe with Him?
No, I know drug dealers know where we live, and when he's "jammed" he does stupid things that are a danger to Me and our pets.
Do I feel secure with Him?
No, He's never home. And when He is, it seems like I am the one who makes all the plans for our future.
Do we have an open and honest relationship?
That's a big negative....I tell him things open and honestly and he tells me what I want to hear.
Do we have fun together?
Sometimes...but I realize now that his endorphins don't work on their own, so he's not capable of "feeling" the highs of excitement and the lows that are natural...so I have just become used to the "beige" mood he is in most of the time...which is neither bad or good...it just is.
I just got used to being his savior...and that is how I have been satisfying my need to "feel something" in this relationship. And that's not healthy for me anymore.
When He went to rehab, I was already disconnected from him emotionally...I had hope...but I needed to heal. For the first time in 10 years, I knew that if he went back to his old behaviors, it would be over...for Me with Him.
I never could understand why it was so difficult for A's to grasp the First Step...until I had to grasp it for myself. Now I understand.
I am with you Honey, PM me anytime and try to take things one day at a time. It didn't happen overnight, and you won't heal overnight. Give yourself a break, and just remember to breathe. If you panic...come here...we are with you.
((((( BIG HUGS )))))
Don't get me wrong, I have a hole in my heart. I am mourning the loss of someone who has been such a big part of my life for the last 11 years. It just sucks at times, but every day I'm not with him...it gets a little bit better each day, and I'm not as "lovesick" as I was a few weeks ago.
I have really been using this time to get in touch with myself and figure out why I am attracted to "fixer uppers". I have major abandonment issues, and self esteem I have to work on. Nobody's going to do that for Me.
In a way He (and all the others) have been "my drug". A way for me to keep the focus on someone else, instead of focusing on Me. I am no better than people who are addicted to drugs and alcohol, because I am addicted to them. I am also a workaholic and a clean freak and a worry wort.
I started to think about my hypocrisy and how much work I expected him to do on his recovery, but I had not been doing that for myself. I didn't realize that being selfish doesn't have to be a four letter word...and it's not only okay for Me to let go of Him, it's better for Him as well.
Every day I do not hear from Him, I experience anger, guilt, frustration, loss, panic, sadness, defeat and resentment. But I realize those are symptoms of my own detox and I get better every day that I work on me.
What people may not realize is that most couples when they separate have been thinking about their "exit" strategy...and mentally planning it for awhile before they break. With us it's a "Surprise, I relapsed!" and in a split second you go from feeling one way and ripped apart the next. It's maddening, and their drug is their mistress.You can't compete with it, you can't compare yourself to it, you can't reason with it...you are just left there in the dust of the drug...and it is exhausting.
But, let's be honest...we have been thinking about it...we fantasize about our lives without them...hell, I even thought about his death, and wondered if that's what it will take for him to find peace. For Me, my A works "on the road" so I am used to being home alone a lot, for some of you your A's disappear, and you're left home to take care of all the "life stuff". So, we have been living without them for awhile...we just have good times mixed in there in spurts and those are the memories we seem to hold on to.
Now, I look at the big picture. What have "I" been getting from this relationship? How does it benefit "Me".
Do I feel like a woman and pretty with him?
Nope...the opiates killed his sex drive a long time ago.
Do I feel financially secure with Him?
Nope...he blows his money on drugs...and when he's "dry" he doesn't save money, he spends it just as if he were on drugs.
Do I feel safe with Him?
No, I know drug dealers know where we live, and when he's "jammed" he does stupid things that are a danger to Me and our pets.
Do I feel secure with Him?
No, He's never home. And when He is, it seems like I am the one who makes all the plans for our future.
Do we have an open and honest relationship?
That's a big negative....I tell him things open and honestly and he tells me what I want to hear.
Do we have fun together?
Sometimes...but I realize now that his endorphins don't work on their own, so he's not capable of "feeling" the highs of excitement and the lows that are natural...so I have just become used to the "beige" mood he is in most of the time...which is neither bad or good...it just is.
I just got used to being his savior...and that is how I have been satisfying my need to "feel something" in this relationship. And that's not healthy for me anymore.
When He went to rehab, I was already disconnected from him emotionally...I had hope...but I needed to heal. For the first time in 10 years, I knew that if he went back to his old behaviors, it would be over...for Me with Him.
I never could understand why it was so difficult for A's to grasp the First Step...until I had to grasp it for myself. Now I understand.
I am with you Honey, PM me anytime and try to take things one day at a time. It didn't happen overnight, and you won't heal overnight. Give yourself a break, and just remember to breathe. If you panic...come here...we are with you.
((((( BIG HUGS )))))
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
So I put my alanon practices to work. I said I cannot help you - you have to do this your self. I am in my own recovery.
Once I actively said what I meant and meant what I said without being mean, it didn't take too long for her to get that I was done with being the enabler. It didn't make her clean, but it did help me to start regaining my own physical and emotional health.
Doing what is best for you rarely is the easiest path...I am glad you are focusing on what is right for you and the kids despite the fact that it isn't easy. Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 76
I just read this post and wow, it resembles my own life right now...My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your children. My Abf is a heroin addict and things have been just not right either. Although he doesn't take off for days, my abf takes off at least once everyday for some bs reason. Today he apparently helped one of his coworkers get a deal on some video game stuff (he never mentioned this to me when he got his deal)...that is questionable too...some guy is giving him free ps3's and remotes and games...for no reason..sounds odd...anyway, he takes off bc apparently one of the xbox remotes doesn't work so he 'has' to go help his friend and now, I can't get a hold of him. Today when he took off it started snowing, the weather is horrible here and I've gotten nothing back except that I am ridiculous for being upset that he took off and has been gone for so long. I am playing into it I know by texting him but I stopped and came on here...He promised yesterday that he would stop taking off and acting so 'impuslive' but here we are. I apologize for talking about my problems on your post but reading your entry really hit home today considering whats been going on. I have been through the promises that things will get better and the mother who always bails him out. In my situation, she has yelled at me for kicking him out, ignoring her when she calls to check up on him and to preach to me over how I need to control him (she actually yelled at him when I said 'I can't control him...He's his own man and his choices are his own, I can't keep him from himself'...she literally said 'why can't she control you?!?!') and ALWAYS bails him out. I know it is easy to get upset by it but I hope you realize like I have begun to that she has to find her own path and that although her enabling may make things worse, she thinks she is helping. I also feel like when they talk us into things or blame us for others actions, it is a form of denial and as hard as it may be it should not be taken personally.
I am far from the best person to offer advice since I am still finding my own way on this but I did want to post to say that I have gone through similar things and I admire your strength through all of this. It is truly inspiring. Again my thoughts and prayers are with you and your children and thank you for sharing your experiences...Take care...
I am far from the best person to offer advice since I am still finding my own way on this but I did want to post to say that I have gone through similar things and I admire your strength through all of this. It is truly inspiring. Again my thoughts and prayers are with you and your children and thank you for sharing your experiences...Take care...
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
I wish I could let go, too! My husband relapsed in November and as far as I know is clean. This time around I set boundaries during his detox and didn't coddle him. Now that he is clean he is resentful that I wasn't supportive of him this time around. He says that when he was clean last year he struggled with staying with me and now that he is clean again he realizes that we shouldn't be together. I'm feeling all kinds of crazy emotions right now. I feel like us splitting up would be good, but I'm also upset over the way he is going about it. We are high school sweet hearts also and he told me all this on Thursday the 15th anniversary of when we started dating. I sort feel like I'm letting go of the dream we had of a life growing old together. I miss the person he was for about 12 years of our relationship. It seems like so much to throw away just like that.
I also need to always remember that I can't help him. What sucks is this time around I lived that and now he harbors resentment over that (which I know is irrational and in no way my fault).
I wish you much peace and PM me if you ever feel like it!
I also need to always remember that I can't help him. What sucks is this time around I lived that and now he harbors resentment over that (which I know is irrational and in no way my fault).
I wish you much peace and PM me if you ever feel like it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 44
thanks all!! well sh** hit the fan. I made a huge mistake. I text him that I was taking kids their so maybe he could see them. I really doubt he was going to show up- but he did. we were civil and I felt NO CONNECTION . really wierd feeling this way twards him. long story short I had to get a ride home due to my sis car breaking down and not enough room in my moms car. Well as we got closer to home- I guess he had no intention of saying at our HOME tonight but I tried to get him to talk and asked he needed to take a U/A to prove hes being good while hes at his moms (yah , i have them on hand- sad, very sad i know) but he got all offensive and of course in the dark his eyes were tiny so I knew exactly why he refused to take it. I said then you can leave. Well He pushed his way into the house when I had my son in my arms and my daughter started crying and he ran around takin some stuff then he went off calling me every name in under the sun and fled off in his car. I am still shaking. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 44
thanks all!! well sh** hit the fan. I made a huge mistake. I text him that I was taking kids their so maybe he could see them. I really doubt he was going to show up- but he did. we were civil and I felt NO CONNECTION . really wierd feeling this way twards him. long story short I had to get a ride home due to my sis car breaking down and not enough room in my moms car. Well as we got closer to home- I guess he had no intention of saying at our HOME tonight but I tried to get him to talk and asked he needed to take a U/A to prove hes being good while hes at his moms (yah , i have them on hand- sad, very sad i know) but he got all offensive and of course in the dark his eyes were tiny so I knew exactly why he refused to take it. I said then you can leave. Well He pushed his way into the house when I had my son in my arms and my daughter started crying and he ran around takin some stuff then he went off calling me every name in under the sun and fled off in his car. I am still shaking.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 729
I am sorry I will pray for you. It is never easy dealing with an addict. I swear they cant see there lies and we want to believe them. Just keep posting and working on you. I had to leave my abf today. I couldnt take the lies and know I deserve more. We all deserve love and respect and an addict cannot give it. Love hugs and prayers your way!
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