Addict has a question or 100.

Old 01-15-2010, 10:48 PM
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Addict has a question or 100.

Sorry to bug into the friends and family forum, but I want to try to see things from my non-addict boyfriend's perspective.
Ok, so I know we're supposed to do one day at a time. And I do really try to. I don't know if anyone recognizes me, but I am a crack addict, 11 months clean. My "birthday" is February 3rd.
My boyfriend and I started seeing each other in September '08. I was just at the starting point of realizing I had a huge problem with crack cocaine. We weren't serious, so I was able to hide my addiction well, from him. We started getting serious in December and I decided he needed to go into the relationship with his eyes wide open, so I confessed what I was. Especially since I was going to NA meetings, and it was getting harder to explain where I was going, without lying and I did not want to lie anymore. Not about anything. Not about smoking crack. Not about trying to get clean. Not about going to NA. None of it. I didn't want our relationship based on a lie. So I told him everything I could remember.
Anyway, I finally get my act together in February '09. Haven't touched that junk since. And December of '09, my boyfriend gives me the best Christmas present ever. He tells me that he is in love with me. I was elated.
And I still am. But the subject of marriage came up and he admits that he was on a motorcycle forum (he's a harley/car dude), where they had a section for recovery and he mentions that he lives with an addict. He told me that 95% of them told him to run. Which, is advice that, I feel, is given in haste sometimes (even by myself!). I know the majority of addicts are hard to live with, putting it lightly. And he says he's not running, but he doesn't want to make that final commitment (marriage) until I have more clean time under my belt (which totally blows my dream of receiving a ring this Valentine's day, DARN IT). And I understand it on the one hand, but am not able to fully wrap it around my head on the other. Part of me is saying he's just making excuses. He's never been married before and he's almost 50 years old. Part of me is worried that he's just sitting on pins and needles, waiting for me to relapse and do the whole "I KNEW it" thing.. And part of me is trying to see it from his side..
So I figured, to settle my brain down, I'd come here and ask what y'all think. LOL. Which opens up all kinds of cans of worms, whoop butt, and so on and so forth, but I really do want to better understand and put my mind at rest. Not at ease, but just not so confused and get myself back to "Just for Today."
He's really an awesome person. I do love him so much. I never believed I'd find a GOOD man, for once in my life. All the losers I've dated and married, and the way things went about when we got together. Would you believe I put an add up on craigslist (originally looking for someone to party with) and he answered it. A bunch of dillheads answered too, and I was kinda worried when he said it was OK to meet at his house (and then we went to a couple cruise in's together), but I went anyway. And he told me he had never looked at craigslist for relationships before, and really hadn't intended too, but he just wanted to check it out and found me.. It really was a small chance that we got together. Despite the fact he lives less than a mile from my Mom's house. Where I was staying, at the time. We live together now and I am more than OK with waiting a while to get married, but the whole "He went online, people told him to run, he's concerned, what now?" thing kinda flips me out.
Thanks all.
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Old 01-16-2010, 01:36 AM
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Congrats to you!

I don't think I'd feel comfortable about my daughter getting married until she had several consecutive years of clean time, along with an ongoing recovery program.

She's codependent and dances around it all the time. Until she begins to truly address it, I figure she's a relapse waiting to happen. I also figure whoever she'd marry her at this point in time is probably codie as well, since we tend to gravitate to our own kind. That's another recipe for disaster.

Can you flip it around and look at this as a gift? He wants time to see where you're at and where you're going. How about doing the same with him?
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Old 01-16-2010, 04:59 AM
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And he says he's not running, but he doesn't want to make that final commitment (marriage) until I have more clean time under my belt (which totally blows my dream of receiving a ring this Valentine's day, DARN IT). And I understand it on the one hand, but am not able to fully wrap it around my head on the other.
What's your hurry? Congratulations on your upcoming year clean, but sweetie you are still new to recovery and if I were him I would want to wait too, maybe another year.

It is suggested in the rooms that you don't get into any new relationship for at least a year. I understand that you had already begun (newly) with him before you got clean, but the reason for that "suggestion" is so that you can take the time you need to focus on yourself and your recovery and not be distracted by "relationship issues".

The choice of course is between you and him, but from where I sit he seems like a very wise man. That's not a personal shot at you, it's a positive observation on him and his patience.

Keep working on your recovery, and I have a feeling it will all fall into place exactly when it is supposed to.

Hugs
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Old 01-16-2010, 08:34 AM
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Congratulations to you on your recovery time and on finding a life you are happy with!

I like what CO said. My own daughter told me she found "the one" pretty shortly after they got together...My own recovery helped me to keep my possible concerns to myself, but I thought it was a mature decision that they waited to get engaged and even better that they are waiting longer to get married. It gives them time to grow in their relationship. They live together too, and seem quite happy with what they have decided. I guess the key to me is that it is what they both are comfortable with so it eliminates the potential for one to resent the other down the road for pressuring to do things differently.

I personally think it is great that he is open and honest with you about his thoughts...Doesn't sound like he is waiting for you to fail...rather that he loves you enough to want you to have the time you need to focus just on you and recovery. I think it is awesome too that you want to understand and not rush to judgement!
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Old 01-16-2010, 09:44 AM
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Thanks all. That really does help. I think I did, partially, rush to judgement, thinking he was just dragging his heels a bit. Mostly because his first answer was he only knew me a year (and my BS meter went off, I knew there was more to it).
I wouldn't really mind if he came on SR, actually. He's really just an outstanding person and I know he'd respect my privacy if I asked him not to read my posts (but knowing me, I would allow him, after all, I have nothing to hide). I think I will make the al-anon or Nar-anon suggestion. I really got this one:
I personally think it is great that he is open and honest with you about his thoughts...Doesn't sound like he is waiting for you to fail...rather that he loves you enough to want you to have the time you need to focus just on you and recovery.
It really kind drives it home what he, most likely, is saying. And yeah, why mess up such a good thing. It took me a year to fall in love with him (usually I go quickly, but the XABF really scared me into a shell), and I really am willing to wait. I just know we're meant to be. All the circumstances that led to us meeting and getting together. I just had a great feeling about him. I usually do the background check thing (since 2000 and don't apologize for it! I ain't a safety queen, but I do have children) and I did not for him. However, my second husband (nosey dill pickle) was more than happy to do it and was sorely disappointed when he told me that my boyfriend comes back so clean, he could work in his section (top secret junk at WPAFB, I can't even talk about it and had to get clearance, as well, when we were married, I get the super duper life, don't I? hahahahaha), and probably higher.. hahaha.. He has hated every man I've dated since we broke up. The first one had some major traffic junk (work related accident, company vehicle, he turned and had an accident), the second one (and the one that introduced me to crack) had felonies for theft and meth charges, plus a bunch of misdomeaners. I should have known. LOL. But this guy. Ya know what he's got? A parking ticket from 1991. Now, he's had his fair share of bad boy play. But we're talking he said he was a weekend warrior. Did the whole smoke pot and drink beer. Toot some coke once in a while. Took a couple pills, qualudes? IDK how to spell it, but it's junk that was long gone before my time. Anyway, he knows what it's like to use, but everything he did, he put right back down. So abuse it quite foreign to him. He's not touched a single thing, other than a couple beers, with his burger, now and again, since he was in his late 20's. He even copped to trying crack (I guess it was called freebasing or smoking cocaine then?), but hated the buzz. I told him it's a relief it didn't get him, because I could not go through another relationship like that.
I do kind of have some experience with living with an addict, but I was so wrapped up in my own addiction, I just didn't pay as much attention to the horrors we can do to our SO's. I should, sometime, when I am ready, really reflect on how poorly I was treated. All the name calling, the nights of not coming home. Begging me to cash checks or begging for cash. Telling me those women were just friends and he didn't DO them (yeah, I am that stupid, that's why they naked in the hot tub, ooookkkkaaay! LOL). How he paraded me around his parents because, at the time, I was a very sweet, loving, and caring young lady who was very presentable to his parents. I don't come from really rich background, but I got a trustfund (now, thanks to my father- another long story). I have education, or at least can act like I do. Very well kept. All that crazy junk, but I figure he couldn't handle it all and ya know, misery loves company.. *shudders* Enough of the ex..
Jeff, that's his name, is just an outstanding individual, that has a light that shines so bright, I gotta wear shades. I told him, if things do progress to where we do get married, Beyonce's HALO will be played at our wedding/reception. He hates pop, R&B, and all that. But HALO played the night we met, it's his ring tone (nah, I ain't crazy!), and I just think of him every time I hear it (Hey, I can hear it a lot, I gots the CD!- I got it for my 3 months anniversary gift!).
It can sometimes not help that I will make a joke, now and again, like hey for my one year, let's go get drunk! And say just kidding, because I am. Or when they bust a meth lab or pot house, I go "Dang it, they found my stash." Closer friends know that's my sense of humor, but I think it might worry him a bit. IDK. I feel so comfortable around him, I let my whole self out. And part of it is my humor to poke a little fun at the situation I got myself into with crack cocaine.
I also just think that sometimes, I DO think I am hot stuff for going so long without smoking crack (hey, there was a point I thought I'd never quit, so my ego swells every day that goes by), and do forget it's still considered early recovery. So much can happen, and yea.. ONE day at a time. I like that.
Thanks so much y'all. Especially for not going "HE SHOULD RUN YOU CRAZY ADDICT NUT! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!" Which, I can guess, more than a few would love to say. But thank you for not.. I appreciate that.
And thank you, so much for the congrats. Of course, this does mean my ego will swell a bit more, but ahhh, well...
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Old 01-16-2010, 10:10 AM
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Hi there............

I wanted you to know, that I have given advice to people who ask when ENTERING a NEW relationship with someone in ACTIVE addiction, to RUN. (only because after 3yrs of a relationship w/ my abf, he became addicted to pills). I would qualify this as a nightmare, it's destroyed the trust in our relationship.... and undermines the foundation of it. Furthermore, it causes people to become selfish, and in a relationship this dosen't work.

From what I've read, your boyfriend has been patient and loving and accepting with you. Perhaps give him the same respect, of being patient and respectful of his choices to 'take it slow'. This just gives both of you time, to become comfortable with your sobriety. It allows him to not feel that he will have 'the other shoe drop', and you can be sure that your sobriety remains paramount -- to anything else.

I'm glad that you came here and asked the question...so I can give you props for doing so well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Congrats!

Love,
Cess
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Old 01-18-2010, 10:26 AM
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Thank you, everyone. I do appreciate your input, and will take it to heart and listen!
I did do something rather naughty. I snooped. I went online and googled his handle and motocycle forum and the thread pops right up. I read through 5 pages of advice telling him to run, with very few telling him to take his time or whatnot. And one very rude dillhole saying to run and let me go suck off someone else for a fix (and that guy wrote that this month! like I was still using!). That last guy hit a nerve and I signed up and replied to that one, but praised Jeff for actually seeking out advice, despite whether I agreed with it or not, and was happy he did not listen to it. And I really am, because he started that thread 2 days after my last relapse. Which, in all possibility, he had more potential to listen to, as we weren't super close then. I could have lost him then and there.
We're a lot deeper in the relationship now, and I am just gonna have to accept that slow is the way to go. And heck, this might make it last this time around. All my other relationships were quick to "light" and quick to burn out.
Anyway, Jeff was OK with me finding the thread, as I quickly told him about it and how I wanted to find a horse's behind and beat him, but that's just me talking. I am a LOT more talk, than action, these days, when it comes to my temper. As long as I am allowed to voice it, I eventually drop it. I did say it was OK if he wanted to read my SR stuff, as I have nothing to hide anymore. And there is nothing I try to hide. There are things I do not voice to him, that I've voiced here, like my friend who went to jail (cuz he said she belonged there), because we disagreed on that topic, but he knew my feelings on it. So it's not like I am hiding it, was just getting it off my chest.
Anyway, I'll ramble, but everyone has been very helpful. You're right. And even I've said to run before. But I am glad, grateful, he did not. And I hope this is a good sign. I know it really boosts my resolve to continue to take one day, at a time, stay clean, and be grateful for what I have despite my past drug abuse.

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Old 01-18-2010, 11:44 AM
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Im willing to bet most of the people on the motorcycle forum didnt realize you clean time and recovery (congrats on that) and have been burned badly or seen those that have.

Keep your communication with him open, and remember for you especially, you dont need to rush into anything, keep focusing on your recovery.
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Old 01-18-2010, 12:16 PM
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Hey Big Red! I'm so proud of you for coming on here and sharing everything that you have shared. . . shows such growth! I agree with the fact that most of the guys on the Bike Forum have either been burnt or know someone who was burnt by an addict. Then, if he mentioned crack, OMG! That has a whole different level of bad reactions from people. Kinda like if someone mentions that they got a dog and everyone says, "Oh, that's so cool!" Until the person replies that it's a pit bull. Instant bad rap! Just like some people think every pit bull is going to eat your children, some people think that a crack addict can never put it down and walk away like you have for nearly a year now! (You go girl!)

When we first met and you shared with me that you and Jeff started hanging out together when you were using, then you shared everything with him and he didn't walk away, I knew you had found someone very special. And the fact that he trusted you driving his cars fairly early in the relationship says alot. I think if he was worried about if you were serious about your Recovery, he would have never, ever given you the keys to his pride and joy to haul me around town! lol

Be patient! As addicts, we want it all now! Instant gratification! I'm wondering what the big rush to get married is all about. Could there be some trust issues that you have that you haven't really worked on? You did mention some pretty bad experiences with ex's lying and cheating. I think you may be afraid that Jeff's eventually going to do the same thing. You don't have to answer that on here, but give it some thought.

Again, I'm very proud of you.

Hugs,
Judy

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Old 01-20-2010, 09:01 AM
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When I first came on this site I was told by almost every person I met to run as fast and as far as I could. My fiance is a meth addict who was sober for 3 years when we met and then relapsed after about a year of our relationship. He is sober now and has been for about 3 months. He proposed to me and I said yes. He is the love of my life and the father of my children and one of the greatest men I know. That is when he is sober. I have seen both sides of him. When it comes to marrying him I want to more then you can imagine however in the back of my head there is a constant fear and nervousness. What if he relapeses again? What if this beautiful sobriety is just for now? Can I handle living my life if it happens again? Can my children handle it? I have done the research and the recovery rate for meth is only 10% will he be that 10%? These are the things that run threw my head. Yet I choose to stick around because at the moment he is sober today he is clean. From the sounds of it you have a great support who is willing to stand by you and obviously loves you dearly. I would say give him and yourself time. It wont hurt either of you lol. Not only that but weddings no matter what the size can be slightly stressful take what you two have now and enjoy every min of it. Plus marrage is a piece of paper it doesnt change the way you feel about eachother with or with out it your still in love. Thats just my perspective.
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Old 01-20-2010, 08:12 PM
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I just want to say thank you CQ for your recovery.
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Old 01-20-2010, 08:28 PM
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Congrats on your recovery!

I would not rush into anything "One day at a time" take it easy there is no hurry, no rush, take each day as it comes and make the best of it. Marriage will happen when it happens. He may not be happy with advise you recieve here, just as your not happy with what he is told. We all reach out for advise but ultimately the decision is ours.

Peace
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Old 01-22-2010, 08:02 AM
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Hello there! WOOOO on your recovery!

:bounce:bounce:bounce

The only time I hear "run for the hills" on this forum is when the addict is in denial and is obviously using. In otherwords, their actions are pointing to some very disturbing behavior.

As someone who is still in a relationship with her recovering husband (meth was his drug of choice), I can tell you that with the right person, it can work. I'm not trying to sugar coat things. It's been a hard road and even though it's been almost 2 years now (of his sobriety), we're still picking up some of those pieces in terms of residual guilt on his part and trust issues on mine.

The only piece of advice I will offer (I know it's w/o you asking for it) is to be 100% honest. If you slip, tell him. Get help ASAP. Don't hide it. Hiding it and lying about it was the worst for me and it broke our trust down to a thread. It's been built up considerably since.

Anyway, grats again on the sobriety! Light and love to you.
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Old 01-22-2010, 03:12 PM
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Thank you, so much, everyone, for the wonderful advice. It's really enlightened me and feel free to send more. LOL.
I know it would be extremely difficult to tell the whole truth if I relapsed. I would feel so ashamed. I'll have to KEEP THAT in the front of my mind to encourage me to continue to stay away from that junk.
And thank you, everyone, for the congrats. I do feel really proud (ego head, LOL) staying clean for so long. I thought I'd never get off that junk!
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