Hurtin2010

I am dating a guy who I knew had drug problems in the past. He is a recovered Heroin addict and as far as I know, he has been clean from it over a year. As of four months ago, he was still using "party drugs" like cocaine and ecstasy on rare occasion. He acted like it wasn't a big deal because it wasn't often and it wasn't Herion. I told him if we were going to get serious, he couldn't use at all. I don't do drugs and I want him to be safe & healthy while he is with me. He is one of the most kindhearted, caring boyfriends I've ever had, and I didn't want anything bad to happen to him. He promised me he could do that, and the relationship got serious. As far as I knew, everything was going great. We even have plans to look at houses for lease so we can move in together next month. At 4am this morning, I was sleeping over his house and I woke up to him awake, in a sweat acting very strange. I asked him what was wrong and he said he though someone was outside. I got up to find a chair against the front door. I told him he was acting crazy and asked him what he was on. He started to cry and said he had been injecting cocaine for the last week. I was shocked. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I got him some water, stayed up with him and waited for him to fall asleep before crying myself back to sleep. I love him & want to move in with him and someday start a family with him, but he was lying to me and I fear this is just the beginning. What do I do? Should I call his parents and tell them he relapsed? Should I break up with him until he sobers up? Someone please help. I’m so hurt.

eaglesgirl

My husband's DOC was heroin... although he would use/abuse just about anything. I couldn't even bring myself to say he was "recovering" before he had two years clean AND in an active recovery program... Today he now has three years and two days clean AND in an active program...

From what you have written, it appears that he was never in "recovery" just substituting one drug for another...

Addiction is a very PROGRESSIVE disease... From the sounds of it, it is worse now than when you first started dating.

You asked if you should tell his parents... what is it you expect if you do? You cannot and they cannot force him to get clean, unfortunately he has to make that choice on his own.

I wish I had answers for you... But I can only tell you what I did and what worked for me...

I had to step away from my husband's active insanity to save myself and our children...
I went to meeting for myself to get myself better from my own issues... He was not to be left alone with our children, I did not bail him out of situations, I did not give him any money...

Today we are a healthy happy family... We still struggle with the financial problems that his addiction brought, but things are better... we just celebrated the birth of our third child!

Does this mean he will never go back to using, NO... but at least we BOTH have our programs should that ugly monster ever decide to appear in our lives again

teke

hi, welcome to sr. sorry about your situation but so glad you are here. lots of experience strength here. stick around and read all you can, post as much as you like. i'm a recovering addict married to an active addict of 23yrs. i finally had to separate myself 2yrs ago, staying and trying to cope with him and his addiction was literally driving me insane.

everyone we both knew, suggested that i run for the hills yrs ago, i didn't listen, married and had kids. except for the kids, that was the biggest mistake i've ever made for my life. that decision brought me 21yrs of pure he'''.

i'm so sorry to say but imo, unless he seeks help for himself and commit to staying sober for himself, his addiction and behavior will get progressively worse. nothing you can say or do to make him want to stop using, he has to want to help himself so i ask, is this the life you want to life with for the long run? what advice would you give your sister or bgf if they were in this situation? just something to think about. you and yours are in my prayers.

outtolunch

This was an attempt to control him. It did not work. It never does.

A different approach is to establish boundaries for yourself, such as " I will not associate with someone who does drugs". A boundary put the onus on you and does not attempt to control another person's behavior. If someone violates your boundaries, you remove yourself from the situation.

You did not cause his drug usage. You cannot control his drug usage. And you cannot cure him.

He is not a recovered addict. He is not a recovering addict when he is uses party drugs. He is not recovering when he is slamming cocaine. He is lying to you and himself. What kind of basis is this for any kind of relationship?

I understand that you care for him and have plans. The reality is that this is a relationship of hopeful fantasy. He is an active addict and the drugs control him. Addiction is progressive. I know it hurts. I also know, it's not personal. It just feels this way, right now. He is not going to just snap out of it.

Focus on your own boundaries which start with "I", not "you", statements. Any boundary is only as good as the consequence. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is honest and sober. Don't settle for anything less.

Impurrfect

((Hurtin)) - welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here.

You've gotten some good advice above. I'm also an RA (recovering addict) who has loved ones who are A's (addicts) and I see NO recovery in your bf. Some call it "changing ships on the Titanic" when an A stops doing one drug, but keeps using or starts with another.

I hear what you WANT from him, but I hope you read through some other posts here and see what life with an A is all about...it gets worse and there really is nothing you can do to make him want to get clean.

I also wanted to emphasize that he's not doing this TO you..it has nothing to do with you. We A's don't make a conscious decision "okay, heroin (or crack/coke/pills/whatever) or her/him"...it's not like that. We don't think logically AT ALL! Our mind is focused on dope. We may SAY we want to be clean, and have short periods where we "behave" but unless we are truly working a program of recovery, which means changes on our lifestyle (no partying with other drugs) we will most likely revert back to the dope.

So, it really IS up to you...is this what you want? If this is the best it's going to be, and it's probably going to get worse? As much as you love HIM, please love YOURSELF enough to think about this.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

hello-kitty

Hi and welcome. Sorry for your situation. You can learn alot here. I hope you will read all the stickies at the top of the forum. There's lots of good information about what is healthy when it comes to relationships and what we can expect when we choose to be in a relationship with someone who is addicted to drugs. Hopefully you will learn alot about yourself as well.

Keep reading and posting!

cmhcali

Hi I am a recovering alcoholic and I remember before I got sober I thought it was ok for my sister whom was a heroin addict to drink with me. I proved it wrong and learned through recovery that we alcoholics and addicts use whatever our substance of choice is to treat a disease of the mind. It doesnt matter what drug or drink he is treating the same problem and it will progress unless he gets help. He cannot do it on his own. You cannot do it for him. He needs to walk his path and feel he earned his recovery and it is up to you to decide if you want to go for the ride. It may be a very long one, although I will pray not. Keep posting!

Hurtin2010

Thank you so much everyone. I was really feeling lost and hopeless when I made that post. Your replies gave me a lot to think about. Funny, I now find myself more torn up because I see the reality is my boyfriend isn't a "recovered addict", he is still an addict, and that is a huge thing for me to accept. But I see that it is something I won’t have to be blind about. I have hope that he can get himself on the path to recovery. I spoke to him at length at lunch today and he kept saying "it was the last time", he was "nervous about the pressure of living together" and that he "wants to be sober for me". But I had strength because I read your replies. I even told him I joined a recovery chat for friends and family of addicts and at first he got angry that I was "listening to NA bull s**t" and “turning to strangers who don’t know him for help”, but eventually he saw that I need to talk about this and we agreed that we should get help. I am looking into counseling, for both of us and he is going to see if his work covers some type of out patient rehab type program. This is hard. I know it will be a long hard road, but if he is willing, so am I.

Hurtin2010

Also* I found reading the replies before I spoke to him helpful because at first he tried to tell me he didn't need rehab or drug counseling because he wasn't that bad. That if I stay with him I will be enough to keep him sober. His defense was I only saw him that bad once. I told him one time was one too many for me and that I need to be with someone who leads a sober life. I have never been the type to lay out boundaries for myself. I'm kind of a push over. When I said that, I think he respected me a little more. That was when the conversation turned from defensive to progressive. Thanks again.

teke

i think you did great, hurtin. now on to the next step. time to decide what consequnces you have in place just in case for some reason he crosses the boundaries you've set for yourself. i pray that he doesn't but i found it helpful to me to have a plan in place. i'm praying that all works out the way it is suppose to.

coffeedrinker

While the 2nd two statements (top of quote) may be true, it is a cop-out to blame life stressors on illegal drug use. I know when I'm nervous or upset or afraid, I don't go running to the city street corner for a way to manage my emotions.

Saying it was the last time is wishful thinking. It is what every single one of them say numerous times BEFORE they say it and have a plan to make it come true.

You are looking into counseling. Interesting, isn't it, that he is not the one to seek this out.

His spazz episode is a red flag. If N/A is cow poop, why do so many clean and sober addicts believe in it?

The only statement that I have found positive is that he seemed to turn his attitude around and listen, and wish to support you, and of course said that he will do counseling, outpatient, etc. Based on his first reaction, I am skeptical, although I love a happy ending; I would like nothing more than to be wrong.

You said you have found strength here at S/R. That's terrific, that's why it's here. And I may have made you angry just now. But just let the things you are hearing sink in. Soak in it for a time, you don't need to rush any decisions. And please please do not move in with him at this time.

teke

"ITS THE LAST TIME" i've heard this many many time and for many many yrs, even said it myself quite a few times before i got serious about doing what i needed to do to help myself. remember, actions speak louder than words.

Hurtin2010

I'm sure he wasn't saying NA is a bad thing- just that he has been getting treatment for addiction on and off for 7 years, he knows the steps, he has herd it all before and he didn't need me regurgitating it to him. NA is a wonderful program, but it's not for everyone. And when I told him that SR was helping me cope, he backed down.

Hurtin2010

Oops I'm not sure that he was* saying....

teke

sorry but i've heard this too, over and over. my ah has been in and out of rehab about as many times or more and was still using before he recently found his way into prison. like i said, i've been there too. i knew the ropes, questions was, was i willing to do the work. rehab not only gave me the tools i needed but it also allow me time away from my drug of choice giving time for my thinking to clear a little.

my ah was good at saying what he thought he needed to say to keep me and others off his back about his addiction, in other words, just buying more time for him to continue his using. i pray that this is not the case for you and yours. warch his actions, time will tell you whether or not he's sincere.

Maggiemac

My son didn't think he was that bad either but died of a herion overdose. If you want a life of hell stay if you don't need that life get out.

Maggiemac

Freedom1990

I hope, for your sake, that you are using protection if you are being intimate with him.

My EXAH and I were both IV drug users.

He died a few years from complications due to AIDS. He was 47 years old. He contracted HIV while sharing needles with another female (I was in rehab at the time).

Thank the good Lord I never went back to him after I got out of rehab.

This disease kills, and you don't even have to be the addict.

Hurtin2010

God were you right. He knew exactly what to say so I though he was getting help and that he wanted to get sober, then this weekend he was acting odd, very moody, and this morning I awoke to him high again! And this time he told me he was on some drug called 2c that I have never even heard of. Actions speak louder than words, and his actions are telling me to get out, that he won't stop, it's only going to get worse. But how do I leave him when he is clearly in over his head? What do I tell my friends, family and co-workers when they ask why we're not getting that cute house on the hill together? It's not my place to tell then he is using- Jeez, this brings up so many problems. Idk what to do.

Hurtin2010

I'm sorry for sounding like a n00b- this really is a new experience for me and I'm sorry if it seems like I didn't take your advice before, I'm trying to read and learn, but I'm torn between logic & love. The nearest Nar-anon meeting to me is in a city 2hrs away. I don't have to money to get a private councilor like I had hoped. Are there any other groups I can try?

outtolunch

He is suffering from terminal uniquness syndrom.

His immaturity is showing.