Teggie

How about a Alanon meeting? I don't live near a Narcanon either but have a Alanon in the town I work. I've been there for 2 years and am now the group represenative.

My AH abuses pills, I just substitute "addiction" for "alcoholism" and it works for me.

Give it a try, it will help you if you let it

Hugs,
Teggie

outtolunch

His addiction impacts your plans and life. Therefore it is your place to share with them, what you are comfortable sharing. Is it possible that you are embarassed by the situation, a situation you did not cause, cannot control or cure?

Hurtin2010

I know I loved him whole heartedly before last week, I was ok with him having a spotty past, and I was ready to start my life with him knowing full well he isn’t perfect. Wouldn’t I be giving up on him and everything we built the past 10months if I just drop him now that I know the truth. You guys say I'm being codependent by wanting to help and stick by someone I love. I don't get it. What ever happened to "stand by your man"?

Hurtin2010

Ugh.... I'm just so frustrated!!! I don’t even think this is helping anymore. We’re in our 20s, we can change. He can get better, why is everyone here so damn negative?!?

teke

i think he's in over his head because of the decisions HE made which had nothing to do with you.

what do you tell friends and family? i agree, tell them the truth, as much as you are comfortable with. they will probably feel bad for your situation but sounds like you have people in your life who love and support you who will gladly want to support your decision to move forward and take care of you. to me, it shows your strength and i'm willing to bet they'll see it too. still praying for you and yours.

coffeedrinker

2C-B is a psychedelic drug first synthesized in 1974 by the chemist, Alexander Shulgin.
2C-B is considered both a psychedelic and an entactogen. "Entactogen" is a term used by psychiatrists to classify Ecstasy and related drugs.
2C-B is a white powder usually found in pressed tablets or gel caps. It is almost always taken orally

I know how much you hurt inside right now. It is a tremendous blow.
Don't be hard on yourself; how could you have known what you did not know? Everyone here who said something to encourage you to leave this relationship has been through it - you have not.

NOW, though, PLEASE get yourself away. His mind is unstable, so you cannot reason with him, or even explain why you need to leave him. He will not accept it and will either try and manipulate you into staying (lie) or get ugly. (I suppose he could just hang his head and accept it, but that is the rare response.)
You asked how can you leave when he is clearly over his head?
No matter what he might say, or what it looks like, there is no good reason for you to stay with him. Let me explain. Say that he tells you he realizes he's out of control, he knows he needs to quit and he really truly means it. He's over his head. He is crying, asking you to help him, and telling and showing he is at his "bottom". This is still a situation in which you must, for his sake, leave him to figure it out on his own. That IS the most loving action you can take. But what I really want, is for you to leave FOR YOUR SAKE. You deserve a better life than what this one is looking like right now.

Others will come and confirm what Outtolunch and I have said. Work on your plan (hope it includes Al-anon) and what you are going to say to him.

Thoughts with you....

coffeedrinker

This above quote just posted. Listen to the song "stand by your man" then read up on the abusive relationship george jones had with his wife. she sang that song, and belived in it, and it was a sick, toxic, abusive relationship.


"codependency" defined:

Codependency & Recovery from codependent relationships

Hurtin2010

I hate this. I am at work and I can hardly concentrate. I haven't spoken to him to make sure he is okay, so I'm worried about his well being, but I'm trying to work up the nerve to leave him even though I don't really want to. I'm so full of contradictory emotions.

outtolunch

There is a huge difference between being negative and being realistic.

"Stand by your man" is a romantic notion. This forum is chock full of wives, GF's, BF's husbands, parents, children, siblings and friends of good people who are addicted to drugs. If our love could cure them, absolutely none of us would be here. There are also some sages who are recovering addicts and codependents who constantly provide a different perspective.

Your BF's actions are not consistent with someone embracing recovery. They are however, consistent with someone who does not know or yet appreciate life without being high on something, most of the time. It's called poly-substance abuse.

Of course your guy can change. Maybe today or tomorrow. Maybe next week or next year. Or maybe 35 years from now. What remains constant in all of this is that you have no control over it or him. There is no "we" in addiction. He owns this. If and when he commits to his own sobriety, what you do or not, is not going to make a difference. He's in for the fight of his own life and dignity.

Before you depart, would you consider reading some of the stickies posted at the top of this page. You might just find yourself in one of them. I know I did, back when I thought I was consumed with doing whatever it took to cure my daughter. The realization that I had no control or influence over her and her choices was a tremendeous humbling experience.

teke

"what happened to "STAND BY YOUR MAN' , good question. i believed in that too. i stood by my man(ah) for 21yrs,eventually through rehabs, jail, and prison. by the time i got here, his addiction was literally driving me insane, i didn't realize how sick i had become but he was busy trying to get me committed to an asylum, and guess what, he was still using until recently, now he's in prison.

i'm a recovering addict(7yrs) and yes i do believe we all can change but the question is do we want to. i think its up to you to choose whether you want to stay or leave. we are here to support the decisions you make.

what most of us is saying is not to be negative but because we care and have mostly been down that road. i personally don't want to see any one go through all the wasted yrs of hurt that i've spent standing by a man who as long as i stuck around, didn't see a real need to stop.

it took for my family to walk away from me before i could see for myself just how destructive and out of control my life had become, then and only then did i get desperate enough to seek help. if they had decided to stick around and help to hold me up, i know i'd probably be still using, in jail or dead.

i think maybe if somehow your bf was allowed to suffer the consequences of his bad choices, he may find that desire to seek help for himself. if you want, stay but try to attend the alanon or naranon meetings. they will help you to cope. either way, i hope you will stick around, it does get better.

eaglesgirl

(((HUGS)))...

I know this is hard... damn hard... Now, can you even imagine how much harder it could be with years involved, children involved...?

I really don't think people are being negative... they just are compassionate, empathetic, and wish to spare even one person the pain they have endured...

Having my RAH leave our home and our children was the hardest thing I ever had to do... But it SAVED our marriage... made us stronger, because I would not tolerate that life any more...

Follow your instincts... Know that his actions speak volumes over his words...

Hurtin2010

I'm sorry for the last post, I was starting to feel browbeaten. What plan should I be working on? A plan on how to break up or with or stay with him? So far being active in this forum, reading as much as I can about drugs I don’t know and finding a Naranon/ Alanon meeting was my plan. I guess now I am also going to look into literature on how to break myself of codependency, as I have noticed I fit that description, even though this is the first time I've dated a drug abuser, it's not my first time being the submissive/ mistreated young woman.

teke

i think you are making the first steps by coming here, you are reaching out for help. think about what you really want your life to look like in the near future and began working toward that goal. in the meantime, if you decide to stay, you could set boundaries for yourself with consequences that follows if the set boundaries are crossed. you know, decide what you are willing to live with/accept from him in this relationship and what will not accept. these are for you.

to stay or leave is your choice, but remember that addiction is a life long desease, unless treated, will get progressively worse and recovery has to become a life style. you have to eventually decide whether or not you are willing to except this way of life which can be very very hard to live with. after 21yrs i HAD separate myself and kids from my ah, i just couldn't take any more.

something to think about. what would you advise your bff or sister if they were in your situation? i really hope things work out for you, you are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. personally i think you would be happier if you didn't take this front row seat to someone else's addiction.

hello-kitty

You seem very caught up in his problems. But it doesn't have to be like that. He is a cocaine addict. Unfortunately you can't MAKE him stop using. It is impossible. He's gotta fix this on his own. Just because his life is out of control, doesn't mean yours has to be.

There is a saying here - hands off the addict. An addict will not find recovery if someone is trying to do it for them. Part of recovery is that you have to do it for yourself. Recovery takes work. Addicts only get out of it what they are willing to put into it. (And us too.)

How about you just step back mentally from trying figure out what to do about him for a minute, and think about what you need to do for yourself and what you want out of life, aside from him to be the man you would like him to be. Like you said, you are in your 20s. You deserve a future. You CAN change (even if he can't).

Maybe make a list of your values and what is important to you in life. Do you know where you want to be 5 years from now? Do you have any personal goals?

Try to do one thing every day that moves you towards the fulfilment of your own personal goals. Often we can't see the forest through the trees. We are so busy trying to help others that we lose sight of ourselves. That can be a really bad thing for us, and everyone we love.

hello-kitty

PS. When I was 20 my boyfriend died from a cocaine overdose. He was shooting up in the bathroom. You know what I did after his funeral? Went out and got high on cocaine.

That's what cocaine does to you. When we are using, we just don't get it and we just don't care about anything but coke.

We can cry crocodile tears all we want but that's not going to make us better or even want to get better. We usually only cry when we are coming down and then we get high again to make the tears go away. Coke is pretty much all that matters - no matter what we say.

That's where he is right now. He's a cokehead. And you can't fix that with love. And you can't make him fix it either. You are not that powerful.

SadlyLost

Oh hun.

I cant say anything that has not been said already. I was you almost 2 yrs ago. We were also in our 20's. I believed, and still in a way, believe that when you love someone you stick with them no matter what. He got out of control (stealing from me, our child and my family who saw him as part of the family), and binged repeatedly, then sought help. Through those binges I was a complete mess. I cried at the drop of a hat, I too would get mad when people would tell me to leave and he needs to do this alone, I almost lost my job cause it was affecting my performance, I was wrapped up in HIS MESS that I could not see straight and most of all, I wanted to "help" him.

Fast forward to now, almost 2 yrs later. He is gone again. I have not heard from him for 27 days. We have a 2 and 1/2 yr old that wonders where her father went. I am picking up the pieces again, but this time I know I cannot do a thing for him. I often wonder how different my life would be now if I left him that first time. Please take some time to just get your own thoughts together and think about is it worth it. Remember...he will always be an addict, even if he is sober for years and there is always a chance this will happen again. Do you want it to happen when you have small children depending on you? When you have wasted 10 yrs of your life waiting for him to change?

Now I'm not saying he won't change, and you won't be with him in years to come (hell, I'd be lying if I didn't say that i'm still hoping for my happy ending someday). But you both have some changing to do first, and that can't be done together. Good luck. Sending hugs your way.

Insulated

dating a guy who I knew had drug problems in the past

Oh my. You are knowing living MY life! It's not in the "past". It's present. I'm so so so sorry. Many addicts trade out one drug for another. Until you extract yourself from the relationship and move in your own direction.......NOTHING will change.

coffeedrinker

hurtin,

i know your head is spinning and as much as we tell you to try and not focus on your b.friend, you are anyway, 24/7. i just wanted to endorse hello kitty's suggestion to step back and take a few breaths.

i remember reading on this site recently that if you don't have a commitment to leave the relationship (to yourself) and a plan, there is a liklihood that you will slide back to him. it sounds as though you are moving forward to end your relationship, so i wanted to say that. just get yourself mentally ready, don't worry right now about what you're gonna tell other people - that part will come. and also, you do not need to share any revelations or new understandings you might be having with your guy. one more thing - at the risk of being crass, please secure your valuables. if he has a hard time at all getting money together, he will take what is available.

dear heart, you are going through something very difficult. you have courage that you don't even know about yet. i hope you will start to have some peace.

sofacat

What ever happened to "stand by your man"?

I don't believe anyone is suggesting you don't stand by your man unless you're willing to take the back seat, while his addiction rides shotgun.

It's your choice to stay or not stay in this relationship. Just realize that you cannot cure or control his addiction. Nothing you can say or do will help him sober up. He has to want that for himself, and himself only. You can't make it go away, children can't make it go away, a new house won't make it go away.....what it may do in his slippery brain is give him more of a reason to abuse drugs. "I can't take the bills, I need to use"....."I can't handle these kids, I need to use"....."I can't handle this relationship, I need to use"....."It's raining outside, I need to use." Whatever excuse he needs, he will use.

My AH had been in rehab and detox etc etc...and some of the time it was when I "busted" him....he relapsed of course, and is now living with the drug again. Except this time, he is living with the drug and not me. I admit, I felt powerful all of those times he got himself help after I busted Him. But he never stayed there. It was only temporary.

It has taken Me 10 years living with an A (and believe me, I have tried every tactic in the book to get him away from the drugs)... to realize that he will not get sober for me. It never worked. All I did was make myself crazy in the process.

Now I am focusing on Me, and life is much kinder to me as a result. I still love him, I love him very much. And because I love him, I am getting out of his way. I am allowing him to be the kind of man who makes his own decisions.....without me trying to control him, change him or cure him.

You are free to make whatever decisions you like, just remember that we will all be here helping you along the way...if you choose.

Hurtin2010

I went back to his apt to get my work clothes last night, and he was a mess. He told me he felt like sh** and how ashamed he was for what had happened. I told him I couldn't move in with him anymore and he said I was blowing the whole thing out of proportion. He couldn’t say why he did what he had, and he said he wouldn’t promises that it would never happen again, just that he knew in his heart we are meant to be together. Then he asked me to go to an AA meeting with him. I did and after we went back to his house we talked more and I agreed to stay with him. He has a problem, but so do I, I’m totally codependent and I'm not strong enough to leave. I love him, so I am going to learn to live with his illness. I know you are all thinking I'm crazy and that maybe true, but it was my decision and I will live with the consequences. Thank you for your support and feed back, but I will not be reading the forum anymore because it makes me depressed. Good luck everyone.