a breakthru? or just more addict-speak?
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Originally Posted by blui 
update
and if he had to be dependent on something, why couldn't it be something fun?
and if he had to be dependent on something, why couldn't it be something fun?
try and relax for the weekend, go to the appt on monday, and see what develops
peace,
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i'm canceling the appt -- he says he doesn't want to go, and he's back to it's not a problem
he's also not happy that there are no pills to find on the property
he said he was ok because he went 2 nights without looking for pills
i said -- well, it's because you knew there were none to find
he looked a little surprised, i'm not sure he registered that his dad was removing them to an off-site location
he said -- well, i guess i'm screwed then
i also told him his dad was considering changing treatment because he didn't want any around him -- he wasn't thrilled with that idea either.
we talked some about why it was a problem, i don't know how much he's absorbing -- or even hearing -- he only wants to hear that there are pills to take
i've tried for the past 5 years or more to get him help for other things, and it's been like i'm doing all the work when i know he has to do it
i told him i'd cancel the appointment, and he'd have to let me know what kind of help he wants and when he wants it --that the offer is always there and that we'd do whatever it took to help him get some help
it's only been 2 days, i'm guessing it'll take longer than that for his mind to settle down
i'm trying to stay calm and let things take their course -- learn some things here -- i think this site has helped me some already
i've been reading the 3 c's thing. i understand that i can't control or cure -- but i'm having a big problem with i didn't cause it -- well, maybe i didn't cause it, but i've sure done my part to contribute to it. i feel like i've been contributing to it since i conceived.
he's also not happy that there are no pills to find on the property
he said he was ok because he went 2 nights without looking for pills
i said -- well, it's because you knew there were none to find
he looked a little surprised, i'm not sure he registered that his dad was removing them to an off-site location
he said -- well, i guess i'm screwed then
i also told him his dad was considering changing treatment because he didn't want any around him -- he wasn't thrilled with that idea either.
we talked some about why it was a problem, i don't know how much he's absorbing -- or even hearing -- he only wants to hear that there are pills to take
i've tried for the past 5 years or more to get him help for other things, and it's been like i'm doing all the work when i know he has to do it
i told him i'd cancel the appointment, and he'd have to let me know what kind of help he wants and when he wants it --that the offer is always there and that we'd do whatever it took to help him get some help
it's only been 2 days, i'm guessing it'll take longer than that for his mind to settle down
i'm trying to stay calm and let things take their course -- learn some things here -- i think this site has helped me some already
i've been reading the 3 c's thing. i understand that i can't control or cure -- but i'm having a big problem with i didn't cause it -- well, maybe i didn't cause it, but i've sure done my part to contribute to it. i feel like i've been contributing to it since i conceived.
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well -- i certainly didn't do drugs while i was pregnant or before.
i've never been a drug or alcohol person -- not that i haven't tried a few things.
it's not even a moral thing for me, they don't agree with me.
alcohol makes me terribly sleepy, pot makes me paranoid, i tried cocaine once and didn't see anything to get excited about, i tried meth once and i did like it so much i knew i would be an addict and never touched it again
my DOC would probably be caffeine & sugar
but -- i certainly chose his father -- and our genetics had to contribute
we both have addicts in the family. my husband has had his struggles in the past with substance abuse.
we have had a stormy relationship to say the least, no physical violence but we're both quick tempered & quick to argue with each other. we are not like that with our son, but he is very sensitive and hates to hear it. we've tried to be better -- some times we are, sometimes we aren't in control so much.
he was sensitive even when he was little about a lot of things, very shy, he was sick a lot and sometime in a developmental stage they think he couldn't hear well because of ear infections -- he learned to talk very early, but his speech didn't clear. everyone told me to wait -- so i did -- and they cleared it up by mid-elementary school through speech therapy. i so wish i had insisted on it earlier. he also had learning disabilities which they also wanted to wait to test when i asked for them early. this made school hard for him in many ways and he became even more withdrawn.
when he was 4, my mother-in-law was killed by her abusive husband. his dad was only 22 and got in trouble confronting his step-father. i think he mentally checked out on us for a number of years -- then struggled with his own addictions before he straightened himself out.
i've known that he was experimenting with different drugs and just wrote it off to that's what all kids try -- everyone i knew when i was his age tried things -- and he seemed to try things a couple times then let it go -- guess he was DOC shopping. i should never have let him think that was ok.
he's also known people that were drug addicts (my husband is in the construction field and you meet all types) but still functioned fine. i always talked to him about that so he would know that anyone could have a problem -- fat lot of good it did me. my best example was one woman we knew who lived down the road from us -- she was always perfectly groomed, had a perfectly clean house, volunteered at their school, was soooo nice to him -- she was addicted to meth. that's not a guess, i know it for a fact, saw it/heard it myself. she was a very nice lady -- but she was a drug addict. maybe that gave him the idea it was acceptable?
now i feel like instead of talking to him about things, i should have never let him hear about drugs or know anyone was doing them.
i could go on & on -- life hasn't been easy on our family -- but basically it comes down to i felt so sorry for him and what he was going through -- and i loved him and wanted to protect him so badly.
i've rambled on -- but basically it comes down to dna and the fact that i've smothered him with good intentions & over-protection -- i was always so scared something would happen to him -- i should have just let go more long ago.
i've never been a drug or alcohol person -- not that i haven't tried a few things.
it's not even a moral thing for me, they don't agree with me.
alcohol makes me terribly sleepy, pot makes me paranoid, i tried cocaine once and didn't see anything to get excited about, i tried meth once and i did like it so much i knew i would be an addict and never touched it again
my DOC would probably be caffeine & sugar
but -- i certainly chose his father -- and our genetics had to contribute
we both have addicts in the family. my husband has had his struggles in the past with substance abuse.
we have had a stormy relationship to say the least, no physical violence but we're both quick tempered & quick to argue with each other. we are not like that with our son, but he is very sensitive and hates to hear it. we've tried to be better -- some times we are, sometimes we aren't in control so much.
he was sensitive even when he was little about a lot of things, very shy, he was sick a lot and sometime in a developmental stage they think he couldn't hear well because of ear infections -- he learned to talk very early, but his speech didn't clear. everyone told me to wait -- so i did -- and they cleared it up by mid-elementary school through speech therapy. i so wish i had insisted on it earlier. he also had learning disabilities which they also wanted to wait to test when i asked for them early. this made school hard for him in many ways and he became even more withdrawn.
when he was 4, my mother-in-law was killed by her abusive husband. his dad was only 22 and got in trouble confronting his step-father. i think he mentally checked out on us for a number of years -- then struggled with his own addictions before he straightened himself out.
i've known that he was experimenting with different drugs and just wrote it off to that's what all kids try -- everyone i knew when i was his age tried things -- and he seemed to try things a couple times then let it go -- guess he was DOC shopping. i should never have let him think that was ok.
he's also known people that were drug addicts (my husband is in the construction field and you meet all types) but still functioned fine. i always talked to him about that so he would know that anyone could have a problem -- fat lot of good it did me. my best example was one woman we knew who lived down the road from us -- she was always perfectly groomed, had a perfectly clean house, volunteered at their school, was soooo nice to him -- she was addicted to meth. that's not a guess, i know it for a fact, saw it/heard it myself. she was a very nice lady -- but she was a drug addict. maybe that gave him the idea it was acceptable?
now i feel like instead of talking to him about things, i should have never let him hear about drugs or know anyone was doing them.
i could go on & on -- life hasn't been easy on our family -- but basically it comes down to i felt so sorry for him and what he was going through -- and i loved him and wanted to protect him so badly.
i've rambled on -- but basically it comes down to dna and the fact that i've smothered him with good intentions & over-protection -- i was always so scared something would happen to him -- i should have just let go more long ago.
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Thank you for sharing and I don't think you're rambling. I think you're working your way through all of this and getting your thoughts out helps so much.
I wondered if DNA was what you meant and it stood out to me because I've spent a lot of time going over mine. My 22 year old daughter is the recovering addict in my life and opiates are her DOC.
My daughter is so unlike the rest of us and after things calmed down, I explored it further. My 24 year old is the exact opposite of her so my curiosity was piqued. I've spent over a year doing a ton of research on this, spending time with professionals, and it's helped me understand myself better. I've passed along everything I've learned to my children, too.
Alcoholism exists on all branches of the family tree, though it's more prevalent in my husbands family. I'm American Indian and contrary to common belief, we don't have those genetics yet because we haven't had time; we just don't have any tolerance. As time goes by, and with our DNA merging through interracial relationships, we're catching up with everyone.
Anyway, I'm from 3 different tribes and each one is so different from the others. I used to say I always felt at war with myself, wondered if I had some kind of mental illness, and had a classic aha moment when I learned why. Two of my tribes were sworn enemies and one of them was well known for their brutality; they were considered the worst. The other tribe was peaceful and more passive than aggressive. The third tribe was well known for diplomacy first, but quick and brutal with retaliation/aggression when needed.
Combine that with my husband's DNA, which is more passive, and holy cow it's a wonder my son doesn't have a bunch of issues too. A lot of people don't realize our DNA influences over half of our personality. Coping skills are something all of us have to learn and it's been really hard for everyone in my family tree. Our DNA strongly dictates fight or flight all the time, from at least 15,000 years of being in survival mode 100% of the time.
On the flip side, I am very thankful for my husbands DNA because my children are not nearly as bloodthirsty as I am, or my mother or those before her. I very rarely acted on the impulse in the past but when I did it was ugly. I had to learn how to manage those adrenaline surges. Today they call it anger management
I wondered if DNA was what you meant and it stood out to me because I've spent a lot of time going over mine. My 22 year old daughter is the recovering addict in my life and opiates are her DOC.
My daughter is so unlike the rest of us and after things calmed down, I explored it further. My 24 year old is the exact opposite of her so my curiosity was piqued. I've spent over a year doing a ton of research on this, spending time with professionals, and it's helped me understand myself better. I've passed along everything I've learned to my children, too.
Alcoholism exists on all branches of the family tree, though it's more prevalent in my husbands family. I'm American Indian and contrary to common belief, we don't have those genetics yet because we haven't had time; we just don't have any tolerance. As time goes by, and with our DNA merging through interracial relationships, we're catching up with everyone.
Anyway, I'm from 3 different tribes and each one is so different from the others. I used to say I always felt at war with myself, wondered if I had some kind of mental illness, and had a classic aha moment when I learned why. Two of my tribes were sworn enemies and one of them was well known for their brutality; they were considered the worst. The other tribe was peaceful and more passive than aggressive. The third tribe was well known for diplomacy first, but quick and brutal with retaliation/aggression when needed.
Combine that with my husband's DNA, which is more passive, and holy cow it's a wonder my son doesn't have a bunch of issues too. A lot of people don't realize our DNA influences over half of our personality. Coping skills are something all of us have to learn and it's been really hard for everyone in my family tree. Our DNA strongly dictates fight or flight all the time, from at least 15,000 years of being in survival mode 100% of the time.
On the flip side, I am very thankful for my husbands DNA because my children are not nearly as bloodthirsty as I am, or my mother or those before her. I very rarely acted on the impulse in the past but when I did it was ugly. I had to learn how to manage those adrenaline surges. Today they call it anger management
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chino -- that was very interesting.
we also have strains of native american running through our dna -- my great-great grandmother was blackfoot, but i don't know what anything else is. we're in virginia and we've interbred so much that most of the people that live on the reservations here don't look any different than anyone else -- our tribes aren't federally recognized i don't think.
i'm probably a mix of irish, indian, & german -- what a combo.
my son's fight or flight is all messed up -- so he has an anxiety disorder.
the more i learn about his condition & the more i observe, the more i think i have one too. only difference is no one talked about anxiety when i was little so i've always dealt with it.
i think my husband has one too. he talked about a "bad gut feeling" for years where he just knew something bad was going to happen but wasn't sure what -- he made it sound like he was psychic or something. now i recognize it as just good old anxiety.
it's funny though -- for me with the irish blood, you'd think i'd be a drinker -- and i'm not. i can take it or leave it -- mostly leave it -- and most of the time one drink will make me just want to sleep. i have plenty of family members that can drink, drink, drink though -- or used to -- they've all passed on now.
we also have strains of native american running through our dna -- my great-great grandmother was blackfoot, but i don't know what anything else is. we're in virginia and we've interbred so much that most of the people that live on the reservations here don't look any different than anyone else -- our tribes aren't federally recognized i don't think.
i'm probably a mix of irish, indian, & german -- what a combo.
my son's fight or flight is all messed up -- so he has an anxiety disorder.
the more i learn about his condition & the more i observe, the more i think i have one too. only difference is no one talked about anxiety when i was little so i've always dealt with it.
i think my husband has one too. he talked about a "bad gut feeling" for years where he just knew something bad was going to happen but wasn't sure what -- he made it sound like he was psychic or something. now i recognize it as just good old anxiety.
it's funny though -- for me with the irish blood, you'd think i'd be a drinker -- and i'm not. i can take it or leave it -- mostly leave it -- and most of the time one drink will make me just want to sleep. i have plenty of family members that can drink, drink, drink though -- or used to -- they've all passed on now.
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Originally Posted by blui
my son's fight or flight is all messed up -- so he has an anxiety disorder.
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spiritual seeker -- that's good advice.
i don't quite blame myself or feel guilty -- but i think it's important to own my past mistakes so that i can improve myself and become a better person. i know that none of it was done purposely and i did the best i could at the time -- so i'm not beating myself up.
worrying about the future is a struggle for me though -- i can't seem to stop doing that.
i don't quite blame myself or feel guilty -- but i think it's important to own my past mistakes so that i can improve myself and become a better person. i know that none of it was done purposely and i did the best i could at the time -- so i'm not beating myself up.
worrying about the future is a struggle for me though -- i can't seem to stop doing that.
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