SadlyLost

Joe (my ABF) has now been gone about 2 weeks, no contact in about 9 days. At first, all I wanted was to know he was alive. Well I did a bad thing and searched posts on craigslist (how he solicited before) and I found him, posted last night actually. So obviously he still active and doing anything to support his habit. Which, any normal person, would be digusted and say good riddance... but oh no, I'm can't be normal.

I am relieved he is alive but now I am so angry. Here he is has the time to do that but not check in on his 2 yr old daughter or contact me the supposed "love of his life." He has all the time in the world to feed his addiction but none for his family. I want to email and rant and rave and send him pictures of the baby and yell how can he abandon her again when he promised he would never and could never do it again.

So instead of doing that I came and wrote this post. I really want to let go. I pray God helps me let go of the anger and the hurt, and let's me move on. But it's so hard when you settle down with someone and he is amazing until his "dark passenger" takes the wheel. I hate feeling so helpless.

cece1960

(((SL)))
You did the right thing in coming here and posting.

He's not the father or the mate you are looking for right now, so its probably best that you stay in your own world. Sometimes we never get answers to the "why?", because addiction is so baffling, it doesn't have answers.

Keep taking care of you and your child, and time will help to heal your wounds.

I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time.

(((Hugs)))

teke

i''m sorry too, sadlylost. it will get easier, i promise.

it took me 21yrs to get to where you are now and yes it was very hard getting to where i am today, so i do understand.
what helped me to get through some of the pain was to not allow myself to think about him, what he might be doing or why. sometimes i had to FIND a way to change any thoughts of him, good or bad, sometimes one minute at a time. i cleaned a lot of closets and read a lot of books, kind of out loud to myself, anything i could do to lose my thoughts in doing. try to fight thinking about him at all and minute by minute you'll get through the day and one day at a time you'll get to a better place. its painful and hard work but you can do it. one day you'll look back and see how much of a favor you have done for yourself by suffering through the pain.

who knows, it is possible for him to one day hit his bottom and commit to getting better. it always seemed harder for me when i looked too far into the future. forever is a long long time, try to think that whatever is happening right now, is just for right now. maybe tomorrow will be different.

he's not being the man you once knew, period. he's in there but his addiction is in control and all the ranting and raving you could have mustered up would not have made a difference. continue to keep the focus on you and your kids, you did good to come here. these caring people have helped me get through some of what i thought was the worst days of my life.

we are here for you, you never have to be alone. i say because you love him, continue to try to let him go, place him in the care of his and your hp. know that if it is really meant to be, it will be.

SadlyLost

Thanks. I am really trying. It's a bit easier here at work. I am busy and the personal stress isn't on me. Once I head home though.. it gets rough. Anyone who has had a toddler in their very terrible two's who also misses her dad not to mention having to worry about paying for everything and getting everything taken care of myself....ugh. Just counting the days til my lease is up (the apt I shared w/ him is wayyy too expensive), I buy my car, and move into my own place (without his name on the lease!) with my baby so I can start to relax.. even just a little bit.