What else can i do without being rude
grateful rca
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
What else can i do without being rude
ok, now i have to get this out. just sitting here reading and posting with you guys, minding my own busness when my mil decides to call me to tell me again how she will all ways be there to give my ah food, shelter when he gets out of jail and wants to know if i think he'll do better when he gets out(he's 49 and she's 72 and his most devoted enabler)
my answer is no so she gets angry because i don't agree that she is helping him, i think she is hurting. she says her sister agrees with me but she says she's a mother and because i'm a mother, i should agree with her.
she thinks i'm clean today only because i reached out to god and that is true but it took for me to hit my bottom and to look up and find that there was nobody there to save me but god who led me to the program of recovery. i guess this is the part she's not hearing.
i believe if my family had helped me by providing for me my basic needs, it would have helped me to stay stuck in my addiction and thats what i stand by.
she finally just hung up on me but before she did, i was able to ask her if she didn't mind, could she please not call me again with this. i was able to tell her how much it bothered me to hear her say how she is always gonna be there for him or any more info concerning him. i did tell her i was thinking about filing for divorce because i just can't do it any more.(don't know if i should have told her that before him but it don't matter to me).
i try to be cordial with her because of my kids(her grands) but i've learned not to call her and i've learned not to start any conversation with her about ah.
i don't feel that its ok for her to try to force her beliefs on me, and if it bothers me to hear what she has to say when it comes to her son, i don't feel i have to listen. maybe i just needed to vent a little, i don't know the purpose of this post.
my answer is no so she gets angry because i don't agree that she is helping him, i think she is hurting. she says her sister agrees with me but she says she's a mother and because i'm a mother, i should agree with her.
she thinks i'm clean today only because i reached out to god and that is true but it took for me to hit my bottom and to look up and find that there was nobody there to save me but god who led me to the program of recovery. i guess this is the part she's not hearing.
i believe if my family had helped me by providing for me my basic needs, it would have helped me to stay stuck in my addiction and thats what i stand by.
she finally just hung up on me but before she did, i was able to ask her if she didn't mind, could she please not call me again with this. i was able to tell her how much it bothered me to hear her say how she is always gonna be there for him or any more info concerning him. i did tell her i was thinking about filing for divorce because i just can't do it any more.(don't know if i should have told her that before him but it don't matter to me).
i try to be cordial with her because of my kids(her grands) but i've learned not to call her and i've learned not to start any conversation with her about ah.
i don't feel that its ok for her to try to force her beliefs on me, and if it bothers me to hear what she has to say when it comes to her son, i don't feel i have to listen. maybe i just needed to vent a little, i don't know the purpose of this post.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
she finally just hung up on me but before she did, i was able to ask her if she didn't mind, could she please not call me again with this. i was able to tell her how much it bothered me to hear her say how she is always gonna be there for him or any more info concerning him.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Originally Posted by teke 
if i think he'll do better when he gets out.
Originally Posted by teke
my answer is no so she gets angry because i don't agree that she is helping him, i think she is hurting. she says her sister agrees with me but she says she's a mother and because i'm a mother, i should agree with her.
Originally Posted by teke
she thinks i'm clean today only because i reached out to god and that is true but it took for me to hit my bottom and to look up and find that there was nobody there to save me but god who lead me to the program of recovery. i guess this is the part she's not hearing.
Originally Posted by teke
i believe if my family had helped me by providing for me my basic needs, it would have helped me to stay stuck in my addiction and that's what i stand by.
the bottom line here is you are sober. Everyone else has to find their own way, just as you did.
Originally Posted by teke
it bothered me to hear her say how she is always gonna be there for him or any more info concerning him. i did tell her i was thinking about filing for divorce because i just can't do it any more.(don't know if i should have told her that before him but it don't matter to me).
Originally Posted by teke
i don't feel that its ok for her to try to force her beliefs on me, and if it bothers me to hear what she has to say when it comes to her son, i don't feel i have to listen. maybe i just needed to vent a little, i don't know the purpose of this post.
I get the need to blow off some steam!! So glad for SR...just keep the focus on you and your own recovery. You're doing great!
(((( hugs ))))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Teke))) - it's not being rude to state your boundaries. HER reaction is all hers....has nothing to do with you. She wants to keep enabling and no one is saying "yeah, that's a great idea" and she's mad....let her be mad. Let HER deal with her consequences, just as you and I dealt with ours.
As far as him? There's a good chance that with only one enabler, he may still hit bottom...she may get tired of being the ONLY enabler and find HER bottom...we can always hope, right? Just as long as we have no expectations.
You just keep doing you, and let them do them
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
As far as him? There's a good chance that with only one enabler, he may still hit bottom...she may get tired of being the ONLY enabler and find HER bottom...we can always hope, right? Just as long as we have no expectations.
You just keep doing you, and let them do them
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
grateful rca
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
thanks you guys, you know i value all of your opinions.
sofacat, i think i'm bothered because i care that she can't see how she is being manipulated. i know its her problem but i still hate to hear it. she glories in him saying that she is the only one who he knows will stick by him no matter what.(her words). its NOT my job to tell her but he says the EXACT same thing to me and anyone else who will fall for that. he does what addicts do.
she thinks she finally has a relationship with her astranged son but on the other hand, he clearly tells others including his other close family members that she hasn't done anything for him but ship him off to live with other relatives across the country(beginning at 5/ 6yrs old). like someone said to me in another post, i believe guilt Is mostly behind her actions, he finally acknowledges her as mom. ok, not my problem either. its just kind of sad and i will no longer allow her to use guilt to make me want to do the same.
impurrfect, you are so right, me do me. even though i DO NOT believe my ah is a "one enabler" kind of guy, not by a long shot, i guess there is still hope.
sofacat, i think i'm bothered because i care that she can't see how she is being manipulated. i know its her problem but i still hate to hear it. she glories in him saying that she is the only one who he knows will stick by him no matter what.(her words). its NOT my job to tell her but he says the EXACT same thing to me and anyone else who will fall for that. he does what addicts do.
she thinks she finally has a relationship with her astranged son but on the other hand, he clearly tells others including his other close family members that she hasn't done anything for him but ship him off to live with other relatives across the country(beginning at 5/ 6yrs old). like someone said to me in another post, i believe guilt Is mostly behind her actions, he finally acknowledges her as mom. ok, not my problem either. its just kind of sad and i will no longer allow her to use guilt to make me want to do the same.
impurrfect, you are so right, me do me. even though i DO NOT believe my ah is a "one enabler" kind of guy, not by a long shot, i guess there is still hope.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Sadly teke, it sounds like she is using her son and his "needs" as a way to relieve her own guilt as a mom.
Let them figure it out, it seems the both of them are way too enmeshed in each other to listen to reason.
(((Hugs)))
Let them figure it out, it seems the both of them are way too enmeshed in each other to listen to reason.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
teke, you know the truth, you are a beacon to so many of us who are still
trying to "get it"
as needinghelp said, you did ggrrrrrrreeaat!
any time you need reinforcement, you know where to come!
trying to "get it"
as needinghelp said, you did ggrrrrrrreeaat!
any time you need reinforcement, you know where to come!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Teke)) he MAY find other enablers, but it still may not prevent him from hitting bottom. I always had hope for my ex, that he would "get it" and he didn't, and though I'm very sad at his death, I know I did what I could and that my stepping away was the best thing for both of us. I'M clean and he's in a better place...it's how I HAVE to look at it
Hopefully, your ex will do better than mine. As far as I know, the ex I spent 20+ years with is still running around with several enablers....sigh.
I agree with ((Cece)) - sounds like his mom is trying to get over her guilt about not being there for him in the past. There's nothing you can say or do to help her "get it", just like nothing anyone could say or do for US to "get it" all those years we were hell-bent on saving our ex's. We all have to walk our own paths to get where we are.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Hopefully, your ex will do better than mine. As far as I know, the ex I spent 20+ years with is still running around with several enablers....sigh.I agree with ((Cece)) - sounds like his mom is trying to get over her guilt about not being there for him in the past. There's nothing you can say or do to help her "get it", just like nothing anyone could say or do for US to "get it" all those years we were hell-bent on saving our ex's. We all have to walk our own paths to get where we are.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
grateful rca
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
impurrfect,
i know you are right and again i'm sorry about your x, good to see you finding peace for yourself. yes, he is in a better place and there is hope for any addict who is still suffering. i do pray that he decides to get better but thats not my focus these days.
i know you are right and again i'm sorry about your x, good to see you finding peace for yourself. yes, he is in a better place and there is hope for any addict who is still suffering. i do pray that he decides to get better but thats not my focus these days.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It's not rude to answer questions with the truth, nor is it rude to make boundaries clear and enforce them.
It's not rude....it's what keeps us sane.
His mother has a problem (just like I did with my son). Like me, like you, and like her son...she has choices and there is a recovery out there waiting for her if she ever chooses to let go of him and grab on. The choice and the timing are between her and God and not your burden to carry.
You did great indeed, Teke.
Hugs
It's not rude....it's what keeps us sane.
His mother has a problem (just like I did with my son). Like me, like you, and like her son...she has choices and there is a recovery out there waiting for her if she ever chooses to let go of him and grab on. The choice and the timing are between her and God and not your burden to carry.
You did great indeed, Teke.
Hugs
grateful rca
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
still trying to figure out why it bothers me for her to call me with this and i guess its because i just don't want to keep going through this with her. she can be just as persistant as him and i like the peace i've found, why can't we just let it be what it is. i just don't need no reminders or updates, especially when i don't seek them out.
thanks ann.
thanks ann.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Teke I am sorry that you are going through this.
I have had to cut ALOT of toxic family members out of my life. These same people would then turn around and say what a terrible parent I was for keeping my kids from them.
NONE OF THAT MATTERS TO ME. I know what I can and cannot tolerate from mean and hurtful people and I have learned that NO MATTER what they serve no purpose in my life if they cannot respect MY boundaries.
My mother is one of the chief members of that list. I do NOT call her because each and every conversation sucks the life out of me. Is meant to be hurtful on her part and I just plain refuse to keep going back to the fire to get burned.
My mother is the grandmother of my children. Do I encourage them to call her? Only if she sends cards or gifts (rarely) and I do teach them to be polite and say thank you. I explain to them that their nana and I dont get along but there is no reason why they cant talk to her (as they get older they will find out for themselves and then can make their own decisions). Do I prevent her from seeing my children? No, but I dont go out of my way. Do I allow my kids to talk to her on the rare occassions that she does call? Yes, of course that is their grandmother, but I dont talk.
So those are MY boundaries and sometimes (I feel) that in my codie recovery the same lessons keep popping up in my life as REMINDERS that I need to keep doing what I am doing.
You did great. You enforced a boundary with someone who is UNHEALTHY. Not much more thought needs to go into that one.....
Hugs.
I have had to cut ALOT of toxic family members out of my life. These same people would then turn around and say what a terrible parent I was for keeping my kids from them.
NONE OF THAT MATTERS TO ME. I know what I can and cannot tolerate from mean and hurtful people and I have learned that NO MATTER what they serve no purpose in my life if they cannot respect MY boundaries.
My mother is one of the chief members of that list. I do NOT call her because each and every conversation sucks the life out of me. Is meant to be hurtful on her part and I just plain refuse to keep going back to the fire to get burned.
My mother is the grandmother of my children. Do I encourage them to call her? Only if she sends cards or gifts (rarely) and I do teach them to be polite and say thank you. I explain to them that their nana and I dont get along but there is no reason why they cant talk to her (as they get older they will find out for themselves and then can make their own decisions). Do I prevent her from seeing my children? No, but I dont go out of my way. Do I allow my kids to talk to her on the rare occassions that she does call? Yes, of course that is their grandmother, but I dont talk.
So those are MY boundaries and sometimes (I feel) that in my codie recovery the same lessons keep popping up in my life as REMINDERS that I need to keep doing what I am doing.
You did great. You enforced a boundary with someone who is UNHEALTHY. Not much more thought needs to go into that one.....
Hugs.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
acceptance
as U know you are powerless over her opinions and actions.
Setting boundaries w/ her about what topics are off limits sounds like a
fabulous idea
IMO: We all do the best we can given the state of our evolution, spiritual dev, recovery, enlightenment, intelligence, etc.
Acceptance doesn't mean we have 2 agree, like or listen to. It just allows us to accept " what is " in a more serene way for us .
Setting boundaries w/ her about what topics are off limits sounds like a
fabulous idea
IMO: We all do the best we can given the state of our evolution, spiritual dev, recovery, enlightenment, intelligence, etc.
Acceptance doesn't mean we have 2 agree, like or listen to. It just allows us to accept " what is " in a more serene way for us .
grateful rca
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
cassandra, what a coincidence, her name is nana too and my kids are old enough to make the their own decisions about whether or not they want to call or visit. we are just fine with the way things are, finally. thank all of you for your encouraging words, i knew i could count on you guys.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Situations like this is why I love "caller ID" and voicemail.
It lets me not answer, and after listening to the message it lets me decide if I really want to call them back.
If I had set a boundary about things I was not willing to discuss, then these messages would simply be erased and ignored. No return call is necessary. Sort of like telemarketers
Your recover is shining Teke. Keep doing what you are doing, it becomes you.
Hugs
It lets me not answer, and after listening to the message it lets me decide if I really want to call them back.
If I had set a boundary about things I was not willing to discuss, then these messages would simply be erased and ignored. No return call is necessary. Sort of like telemarketers
Your recover is shining Teke. Keep doing what you are doing, it becomes you.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Watching the sunrise
Posts: 104
Teke....Yes, you did wonderfully! I know how difficult it is. I had the exact same experience with my ex and his mom. She was his chief enabler until he died of an overdose. Now, she enables my son...her grandson.
I avoid her and when I am faced with a conversation with her, I just tell her the truth as I know it (thanks to the incredible people on this board!!). I maintain respect for her and for myself and there is nothing rude about that...I feel better about myself for speaking my truth. Thank you for posting this....I needed to be reminded....
♥ Hunny
I avoid her and when I am faced with a conversation with her, I just tell her the truth as I know it (thanks to the incredible people on this board!!). I maintain respect for her and for myself and there is nothing rude about that...I feel better about myself for speaking my truth. Thank you for posting this....I needed to be reminded....
♥ Hunny
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