Could it be something other than crack?
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: New York City
Posts: 5
Could it be something other than crack?
My boyfriend was a cowboy crack user for 9 years, like I heard from his friends and family that he loved the stuff. When he met me, we moved in together and he stayed clean for 5 months (I guarded him 24/7) which was his longest time sober. Then inevitably, we started to fight and he used my temper as an excuse to "disappear" for 8 days and blame me as his trigger. This happened twice in the following 6 months and he moved back home with his parents.
He came back to me, got his crap together and started working again really hard this time. No joke, he worked like a horse almost 70 hours a week as a chef. He worked himself to death and I was proud of him. Then I messed up. He begged me to let him do it and I did, but I had to be there. He did just very little and when he begged me to let him get more I forced him to get drunk and pass out. He went to work the next day and we were fine.
We got into a big fight a couple days after and he just left and stayed at his parents house. I really didn't think he was smoking bc he went to work, those long shifts 7 seven days a week there's no way he could maintain. But when I tried to reach him he would never answer the phone. Then he finally called me back a couple days later and I went off saying either he was smoking or with a another girl and he said he was smoking. He said he smoked and we were yelling and then..click. Haven't heard from him for a week after that besides weird texts that said "sorry i've been acting weird i will leave you alone now" or else a random "good morning."
I'm done with the bs and already gone and I'm very very close to reaching peace with everything but there's something so unsettling about this last time I came here looking for answers, because I won't ever waste my time with his lies. He goes to work all those long shifts how is he doing that if he's on crack? I was close to his family and when I tried to see how he was doing, I get no reply. Works everyday, contact with them, completely discarding my existence? So weird.
I have a feeling he might be using me as his blame for craving crack, manipulating everyone to be on his side and I am just left here completely in the dark not knowing what is going on. If its something as dumb as another girl, why not just tell me? Is it really that he just wants to smoke in peace? Am I fooling myself to rule out crack and think he's cheating instead?
My life will only get better now without him, I know that and I'm happy about this. But I just want some sort of closure I guess. Any helpful opinions out there?
He came back to me, got his crap together and started working again really hard this time. No joke, he worked like a horse almost 70 hours a week as a chef. He worked himself to death and I was proud of him. Then I messed up. He begged me to let him do it and I did, but I had to be there. He did just very little and when he begged me to let him get more I forced him to get drunk and pass out. He went to work the next day and we were fine.
We got into a big fight a couple days after and he just left and stayed at his parents house. I really didn't think he was smoking bc he went to work, those long shifts 7 seven days a week there's no way he could maintain. But when I tried to reach him he would never answer the phone. Then he finally called me back a couple days later and I went off saying either he was smoking or with a another girl and he said he was smoking. He said he smoked and we were yelling and then..click. Haven't heard from him for a week after that besides weird texts that said "sorry i've been acting weird i will leave you alone now" or else a random "good morning."
I'm done with the bs and already gone and I'm very very close to reaching peace with everything but there's something so unsettling about this last time I came here looking for answers, because I won't ever waste my time with his lies. He goes to work all those long shifts how is he doing that if he's on crack? I was close to his family and when I tried to see how he was doing, I get no reply. Works everyday, contact with them, completely discarding my existence? So weird.
I have a feeling he might be using me as his blame for craving crack, manipulating everyone to be on his side and I am just left here completely in the dark not knowing what is going on. If its something as dumb as another girl, why not just tell me? Is it really that he just wants to smoke in peace? Am I fooling myself to rule out crack and think he's cheating instead?
My life will only get better now without him, I know that and I'm happy about this. But I just want some sort of closure I guess. Any helpful opinions out there?
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Bluegrl)))
I'm a recovering crack addict, as well as a recovering codie (codependent). There ARE some crack addicts who can maintain a job and continue to smoke...I wasn't one of them.
I agree with ((Cynical)) - I don't think you are going to get the closure you are seeking, with him. If he is using, THAT is his priority and we A's (addicts) will do whatever we need to, to protect our using...usually twisting things around to where we blame our loved ones for our using. It IS BS, and his using has nothing to do with you.
I left my bf behind as he was still using. There was no "closure"...I still loved him, but I could not accept his lifestyle...period. I had to make the best of MY life, and he had no intention of contributing to my life. He was too focused on him, as it sounds your bf is.
I had THREE XABF's (ex addict bf's) and I always wanted them to KNOW how I felt....it never worked. Now that I'm in recovery, I see that I didn't hear what anyone said to me, either....I only heard what I wanted to, the rest..I just didn't pay any attention to it.
Please focus on you. It's the one thing you CAN control in this situation.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm a recovering crack addict, as well as a recovering codie (codependent). There ARE some crack addicts who can maintain a job and continue to smoke...I wasn't one of them.
I agree with ((Cynical)) - I don't think you are going to get the closure you are seeking, with him. If he is using, THAT is his priority and we A's (addicts) will do whatever we need to, to protect our using...usually twisting things around to where we blame our loved ones for our using. It IS BS, and his using has nothing to do with you.
I left my bf behind as he was still using. There was no "closure"...I still loved him, but I could not accept his lifestyle...period. I had to make the best of MY life, and he had no intention of contributing to my life. He was too focused on him, as it sounds your bf is.
I had THREE XABF's (ex addict bf's) and I always wanted them to KNOW how I felt....it never worked. Now that I'm in recovery, I see that I didn't hear what anyone said to me, either....I only heard what I wanted to, the rest..I just didn't pay any attention to it.
Please focus on you. It's the one thing you CAN control in this situation.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
welcome to sr.
i'm a recovering addict and i had to separate from my active ah without "closure" because he chose to continue to use and reasoning with his was crazy making.
. he could keep a job as long as he could take his crack with him and he worked hrs on end partly because he seem to have thought the more money he made, the more crack he could buy without him feeling like he was taking from the household(addictive thinking).
i agree that there will probably be no closure as long as he is active in his addiction.
i'm a recovering addict and i had to separate from my active ah without "closure" because he chose to continue to use and reasoning with his was crazy making.
. he could keep a job as long as he could take his crack with him and he worked hrs on end partly because he seem to have thought the more money he made, the more crack he could buy without him feeling like he was taking from the household(addictive thinking).
i agree that there will probably be no closure as long as he is active in his addiction.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: New York City
Posts: 5
Oh wow. You guys are incredibly helpful, this sight is amazing. Glad I found it. I completely agree with you impurrfect and I have forgotten about that closure bs and have realized for the past few days that I don't even care about answers anymore because I love myself too much to keep second guessing who I am. I think our whole relationship really tortured me because everyone in his family said I was the angel that fixed him for the first time, and when I couldn't maintain that, it ruined my self esteem. Anywho, I am starting to remember how awesome I am and although I'm scared, so scared he will end up...just dead, I'm going to keep my focus on my future and NEVER LOOK BACK.
I'm a recovering Crystina, as I like to say, and this experience is slowly helping me realize that drugs will really eff your mind up, and it's only a matter of time that it will happen. I NEVER want to be that person...hurting others so deeply, manipulating everyone in your life to the point you believe your lies are real...freaking insane.
Oh and I went to church for the first time in a while this past weekend and funny enough at one point the pastor's message highlighted addictions and their ties to God's will and love. I think someone is definitely trying to lead me to closure, but in a much more valuable and important way.
I'm a recovering Crystina, as I like to say, and this experience is slowly helping me realize that drugs will really eff your mind up, and it's only a matter of time that it will happen. I NEVER want to be that person...hurting others so deeply, manipulating everyone in your life to the point you believe your lies are real...freaking insane.
Oh and I went to church for the first time in a while this past weekend and funny enough at one point the pastor's message highlighted addictions and their ties to God's will and love. I think someone is definitely trying to lead me to closure, but in a much more valuable and important way.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Welcome to SR bluegrl. I found SR looking for help for HIM, and this place saved MY sanity!! Keep reading and posting. It will help you so much!
Remember the 3'C's of addiction:
1. You didn't Cause it
2. You can't Control it
3. You can't Cure it
Remember the 3'C's of addiction:
1. You didn't Cause it
2. You can't Control it
3. You can't Cure it
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
[QUOTE=bluegrl;2482767]
Haven't heard from him for a week after that besides weird texts that said "sorry i've been acting weird i will leave you alone now" or else a random "good morning."
I have a feeling he might be using me as his blame for craving crack, manipulating everyone to be on his side and I am just left here completely in the dark not knowing what is going on. If its something as dumb as another girl, why not just tell me? Is it really that he just wants to smoke in peace? Am I fooling myself to rule out crack and think he's cheating instead? QUOTE]
just want to jump in here again,
about the text, be prepared, he more than likely will send a few more of them sooner or later. quack, quack, quack.
my ah did blame me to everyone for his addiction. according to him, i was his trigger and when he wasn't living with me, his trigger was whoever else was available. he did play his family against me and i always felt the same as you, confused about whether or not it was his addiction or another woman. trying to figure this all out is what i was allowing to drive me insane.
i think your bf is doing what addicts do and they are master manipulators. if you can, try not to take it too personal, none of this has anything to do with you, regardless of what he says or what he has manipulated his family into believing about you. i think for now, he may feel he can use in peace, without having his addiction challenged by you. i think from time to time, he'll probably check back with you, just to see if the door is still open, just in case it gets too uncomfortable for him to use where he is.
whether or not the woman was a physical one or the crack i never knew but i decided what i thought it was and just went with that and began to work through that pain. i decided i really didn't have to know, the pain was still the same and if it was a physical woman, i knew that unless my ah got help for himself, she was gonna take up where i left off only with a progressively worse addict with progressively worse behavior. if he did get help, i was comfortable feeling that eventually he would want to make amends to those his addiction had hurt along the way, in the meantime, life goes on. hope this makes sense.
Haven't heard from him for a week after that besides weird texts that said "sorry i've been acting weird i will leave you alone now" or else a random "good morning."
I have a feeling he might be using me as his blame for craving crack, manipulating everyone to be on his side and I am just left here completely in the dark not knowing what is going on. If its something as dumb as another girl, why not just tell me? Is it really that he just wants to smoke in peace? Am I fooling myself to rule out crack and think he's cheating instead? QUOTE]
just want to jump in here again,
about the text, be prepared, he more than likely will send a few more of them sooner or later. quack, quack, quack.
my ah did blame me to everyone for his addiction. according to him, i was his trigger and when he wasn't living with me, his trigger was whoever else was available. he did play his family against me and i always felt the same as you, confused about whether or not it was his addiction or another woman. trying to figure this all out is what i was allowing to drive me insane.
i think your bf is doing what addicts do and they are master manipulators. if you can, try not to take it too personal, none of this has anything to do with you, regardless of what he says or what he has manipulated his family into believing about you. i think for now, he may feel he can use in peace, without having his addiction challenged by you. i think from time to time, he'll probably check back with you, just to see if the door is still open, just in case it gets too uncomfortable for him to use where he is.
whether or not the woman was a physical one or the crack i never knew but i decided what i thought it was and just went with that and began to work through that pain. i decided i really didn't have to know, the pain was still the same and if it was a physical woman, i knew that unless my ah got help for himself, she was gonna take up where i left off only with a progressively worse addict with progressively worse behavior. if he did get help, i was comfortable feeling that eventually he would want to make amends to those his addiction had hurt along the way, in the meantime, life goes on. hope this makes sense.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
hey, what a great turnaround in just two days - good for you.
as someone in recovery, i hope you know that it is easy and sometimes tempting to switch addictions, even if you've NEVER had the inclination to do (weed, alcohol, ___ )
before.
stay strong!
as someone in recovery, i hope you know that it is easy and sometimes tempting to switch addictions, even if you've NEVER had the inclination to do (weed, alcohol, ___ )
before.
stay strong!
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