Callie

Great Job Sofa! 10 years gone just like that. I totally understand what you are saying here. For me it's 23 years gone just like that, but just how great have that time been? Maybe it's a blessing that ten years of suffering is done and over with. The next 10 can be whatever you make it.

I understand about the ego thing though. It's tough.

NeedingHelp7

He was a walking talking quack, quack, quack. Nothing unusual. I'm sorry you had to endure that.

I was hoping it didn't have to be an face-to-face meeting.... but know you now.

You can avoid these kind of meetings with very brief text messages.... ya know.

Please don't dwell on the things he said okay......(((((Huggs)))))

megan09

I am so sorry that you had to endure that bs. Since he arrived I have been thinking of you over here in UK, wondering how things were going with you. He is an alcoholic who is not ready to recover; he has to have a scapegoat to blame and that is you. 'Blaming others' is part of addiction, part of the denial. If he admitted to his own behaviour then he would have to do something about it. I was with my xbf for 9 years and he choose the booze over myself and our young son, but I have to be glad that I found out he wasn't going to change when I did; I could have waited another 10 years, meanwhile becoming sicker and sicker emotionally myself, my self-esteem already in tatters as it was. Let him go where he has to go; and remember, if he doesn't seek recovery then there is only one way that he is going - DOWN. Don't let him drag you down with him; you sound like a lovely person and are worth more than this. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

sofacat

Thanks for all your well wishes Ladies...even ones all the way in the UK! Thank you for thinking of me....

But....DID HE JUST BREAK UP WITH ME BECAUSE HE RELAPSED???? Did that just happen?

WTF? The guy I knew that came our of rehab understood "alllllll" of it, owned up to it and showed complete compassion and understanding on my side of things. That guy was not defensive, or angry, or quietly combative...that guy knew what went down and loved me and showed me change.....

THIS guy....was not.

I feel like someone just pulled a Jedi maneuver mind thing on Me.

What is that all about?

NeedingHelp7

Yeah, that just happened.


It's called emotional manipulation. It was the "I'll break up with you before you break up with me." It's the twisteroooo game.

liesagain

sofa...............NO MATTER WHAT his mouth is saying this has NOTHING to do with YOU.

You and your home are whats standing inbetween him and the drug right now its the drug talking take it for what its worth dont beat yourself up or allow yourself to be pulled into thinking its your fault it is NOT.

I will talk to you more later I'm sorry but I just got in and have a huge wather leak

rayofsunshine

It's kinda like Dr. Jekell/Mr. Hyde. The guy that told you all that fresh out of rehab was
your loved one talking. The guy talking now is the addict, and is doing what's necessary to continue in his addiction. Sorry things turned out this way for you. Just know its really not you... and you are doing what's needed for your own sanity and happiness!
(((HUGS)))

megan09

You have ceased to enable him, and he knows it this time. He is trying to justify himself so he can continue to use. Leave him find out that the grass is not greener on the other side; who knows, he may learn something about the consequences of his lifestyle now. I understand your pain; it is so, so difficult to understand why they do these things to us for the sake of drugs/alcohol, but we are powerless over other people. We do, however, have power over ourselves. You can and will get through this and be a stronger person for it. Give him to God, and take it easy and be kind to yourself.

tchappy

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.

I agree with the others it was the addict talking. I also think he wants to be able to do his own thing (drugs or whatever) and he can't with you. So he has to make it all about you.

Remember they don't let anything stand in their way when they are active in addiction. They don't think straight at ALL! I would not let it bother you because in a week or so he could be saying something totally different. Or maybe not. Just remember it has nothing to do with you. It has all to do with what he wants and what you won't allow in your home.

He is not that guy that just got out of rehab right now. He is FAR from it!

sofacat

Thanks guys,

What a relief to have all the "troops" rallying on my behalf. It's so nice and such a change from the "feeling all alone out here" way I used to feel. I love SR and all of you!!

You know, I am remembering that he was this way when he relapsed in July before rehab. He did the whole, we're just friends thing. But in rehab, I am his love, his life and his universe.

URGH!!!! The good news is I didn't waiver. The good news is I didn't fall down and beg him to reconsider...or try to convince him we had the best relationship ever..and can't you see that? Kind of stuff. Which I always did in the past.

Truth is, aside from "His Mistress Opiate" we did have the kind of relationship people would talk about. We were "that" couple and people I knew wanted to find a guy "just like mine." Next time you see "that couple" just think of me....everyone has a story.

Impurrfect

(((Sofacat))) - I think you did great!!!

I know it hurts, but he IS trying to "save face"...he wants to be in control, and keep using....which explains everything he said.

Remember...we A's will do whatever we have to, to protect our addiction....blame the people who have been there for us the most, walk away from relationships/jobs/etc....anything that stands in our way.

It has nothing to do with you...I promise. When I was active, my brain couldn't comprehend what someone else may be thinking or feeling...I was too focused on me and my needs. I'm pretty sure he's in the same place.

Keep moving forward, sweetie..you're doing great!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

coffeedrinker

sofa,

it's not really 10 years just like that

i think it has been creeping up on you two for a long time - was for me and my marriage anyway.

you have a lot to be proud of and yeah, the hit to your ego is hard, esp. when you feel you have done over and above many times, taken the high road, etc - to not be acknowledged for that really stinks. but it's not about YOU, it's about HIM and his inability to see clearly.

i hope you can enjoy your new-found freedom soon.

sofacat

I get it....I am trying not to take it personally....he has done this before, the last time. They say it's a progressive disease that gets worse with each relapse, seems like their behavior does as well.

His pupils weren't tiny tiny...but I could tell he was a little stimulated. Prob took just enough to not to be jammed while he was here...who knows?

He was off to meet with his sponsor, which is good for him- he just still has a "secret" and that means he is still sick.

Today is another day, and I will just have to get on with it.

It always hurts when "they" say things to you that have bullets attached to them! It just hurts less and less every time they do it.

I don't want to make this all about "what he says, and what he's feeling" anymore.
Fact is, I stuck to my guns, wasn't filled with anger or panic...and wasn't passive aggressive when we met yesterday........

all of those things are HUGE for me, and it shows just how much I have grown since SR, meetings & "gettin' that first step."

I guess it does work if you work it!

NeedingHelp7

Sofacat.....You did really well in a very difficult situation. Nope, It's not about "him" anymore.

sofacat

Here's what I do know about yesterday:

He was in a crappy mood when he got here...and I told him we could meet another time if the conversation wasn't going to be productive.

He said, no he was ok...but he wanted to hear "what I had to say."

So when the conversation didn't go in a different direction other than what "still is" for me, and he realized I was still firm on my feelings about the situation, that I love him with everything I have, but am letting go of the addiction-and not Him...I can't get involved in your addiction anymore-I love you but I have to move on and help myself-I feel better- and all the other positive things coming out of my mouth about ME....

...He couldn't take it, because he is still in a dark place. So He pulled a classic "narcissistic move" (thanks cynical) and started in...was in a defensive state and made it all about "me" and how toxic I am....nope!

Not gonna "wash in my kitchen" anymore!!!

He had no plans, no concrete plans for what steps he was taking...if he were in a better place he would have been "that guy" but right now he's "this guy".
And that is his problem to work through.

I have always been the "shrink" sitting down and working the problems out with and for him...and that's "my bad"...he's not used to this and for once is having to do all the work himself...but it's all his to work out.

My ego got rattled around... that I will own up to, but I have been here before with him, and that's not change.

tjp613

You sound very clear, Sofa -- good job and ((((Big Hugs))))!!!

coffeedrinker

yep, agree with first statement 100%

yeah, me too, on the shrink thing. one thing i have told my guy in the past is that i wish for more independence - for both of us - and that he will feel the pride in himself when he has managed some of his things on his own. and i will be proud of him, too! and not feel sucked into his stuff.

please continue to post your thoughts and reactions - it is affirming for you!

NeedingHelp7

You see.....he's the "devil in disguise" too!!!

Suspicious

I get the shot to your ego... that is always a hard one to swallow. So proud that you stood your ground even as he resorted to low blows.

sofacat

Thanks. I'm having a bit of a "low" patch at the moment...A kind of "How is this happening?" feeling and I am a bit overwhelmed with sadness right now.

Highs and lows, right?

Hearing from all of you is helping...and I thank you.