sunshine1980

Hey,

I have a question to some of you who have more experience in detaching and going no contact with a family member.

I just am confused how far you can take that? For instance, if you go no contact but something really big happens in the family (I am talking things like a birth, a serious illness, a death, ...), do you still keep up the NO CONTACT rule?

I am just looking for some people who have experience with this sort of thing and how they handled these things.

I can't imagine if a family member passes away, to keep this from the addicted person cos you are detached and don't want to talk to him/her. It seems that they should be allowed to know such significant things?
Or am I wrong? It's a confusing thing, that whole detachment stuff.

historyteach

Sunshine1980,

I think it's up to each individual to draw their own boundaries here.
And the other family members also have say in whether to mention these big family events to the addict/alcoholic in the family too. So, even if you or I would wish them to stay away, it may not turn out the way we hope for. We may end up facing them at a major family event. So, in the end, we have to know what our own personal boundaries are towards that person. It's good to plan ahead.

We can have personal boundaries that still allow us to be in the same room, if needed, for periods of time. Of course, if it's a physical safety issue, I wouldn't advise it, and would hope others would be sensitive to this reality. But, we know that that isn't always the case. Aside from physical safety, however, it is possible to maintain a cordial demeanor and have little to no contact with that person in a crowd, if that's your wish. If and when it is necessary to communicate with the person, maintain your boundaries, be polite, and "detach with love" as the saying goes.

On the other hand, we can still care very deeply for that family member. We probably still do. I know I've never stopped loving my son - though there were times I've stopped *liking* him very much! LOL! But, that caring doesn't mean we leave ourselves open for the chaos of their addiction.

So, when in a setting, face to face, it's important to find our inner strength and dignity; remember the person we love, (as opposed to the addict); and perhaps even wish them the best as we continue on our own journey of health. The Serenity Prayer can help here. And by doing this, by living our own life without reference to their chaos and addiction, we are showing them a path to their recovery just by traveling our own journey.

Because we are no longer the same person, our relationship is no longer the same. The grain of sand on the beach has been moved. And the whole world is now changed.

Shalom!

laurie6781

Thank you so much for your post Teach.

This line in particular is a PERFECT description of what is going on in my life at this moment!:

"The grain of sand on the beach has been moved. And the whole world is now changed."

WOW that just so fits!!! Thank you so much!

Love and hugs,

teke

for me, detachment and no contact was for me, how can i protect myself from the effects of someone elses addiction. in my opinion, my addict does have a right to know important info but whether i feel its my duty to be informant, is another story. i guess i'm saying that i have to decide what is best for me and my well being and i have to check my motives for wanting to be the informant. don't know if this makes any sense, though.

NeedingHelp7

For me "no contact" is brief text only to AH, for important child related or business issues. And he hates it!!! It's my plan B (to preserve my sanity, and not have to listen to his lies). Well he tries to break it all the time. Now he doesn't respond to the texts as often as he did when I started. He does this so that I'll have to talk to him at the door when he picks up son for visitation. He's a monster!!!