Thinking of sending this letter
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: huntington wv
Posts: 46
Thinking of sending this letter
I've been working on this since last night, even though it isn't very long. I have some things of his that were left here last week, that I plan on sending back to him (a pack of cigarettes, and a few clothes) I plannned on putting this note in with them. Tell me what you think 
Dear ------
I find myself sitting down writing you another letter…so many of these I’ve written, some you’ve never read. It pains me to say this, but I can’t continue to see you. I love you. I love you so much, but the last few times we have seen each other have been painful reminders of why we are no longer together. I don’t think you are quite ready to begin recovery in earnest. This incident, as amazing as it may seem, has not brought you to bottom. You still think it’s ok for you to use. You still think you are different from other addicts and alcoholics. I know you say the words that you think will make me believe you are ready, but your actions show me you are not. I won’t accept the way you treat me. I won’t take the risk of bringing you back into my life if you are going to continue to be in denial of your need for treatment. It pains me to have to do this. You have no idea how badly I wanted things to be different this time. I really should have known they wouldn’t be. I’ve lost count of the number of times in our relationship that we’ve had the “I’ll never do it again” conversation. I wanted to be there for you, to support you, but I refuse to leave myself open to the verbal abuse, the uncertainty, and the possibility of physical abuse that being with you always seems to bring. I hope things will work out for you. I hope that you manage to get yourself together before something even worse than prison happens to you. I care about your fate, and I will allow you to leave messages updating me on your trial and progress, but I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t know if I will ever again. I have to get better too. If you don’t respect the boundaries I have put in place, I will block your number. I hope you get better. I hope you find happiness. I hope you figure out that you are worth more than this.
Dear ------
I find myself sitting down writing you another letter…so many of these I’ve written, some you’ve never read. It pains me to say this, but I can’t continue to see you. I love you. I love you so much, but the last few times we have seen each other have been painful reminders of why we are no longer together. I don’t think you are quite ready to begin recovery in earnest. This incident, as amazing as it may seem, has not brought you to bottom. You still think it’s ok for you to use. You still think you are different from other addicts and alcoholics. I know you say the words that you think will make me believe you are ready, but your actions show me you are not. I won’t accept the way you treat me. I won’t take the risk of bringing you back into my life if you are going to continue to be in denial of your need for treatment. It pains me to have to do this. You have no idea how badly I wanted things to be different this time. I really should have known they wouldn’t be. I’ve lost count of the number of times in our relationship that we’ve had the “I’ll never do it again” conversation. I wanted to be there for you, to support you, but I refuse to leave myself open to the verbal abuse, the uncertainty, and the possibility of physical abuse that being with you always seems to bring. I hope things will work out for you. I hope that you manage to get yourself together before something even worse than prison happens to you. I care about your fate, and I will allow you to leave messages updating me on your trial and progress, but I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t know if I will ever again. I have to get better too. If you don’t respect the boundaries I have put in place, I will block your number. I hope you get better. I hope you find happiness. I hope you figure out that you are worth more than this.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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((Detaching)) - I've written many letters, and as long as you have NO expectations of this letter having any affect on him, then I don't see a problem with it. My problem was, I DID have expectations..I still wanted him to SEE/HEAR what I was trying to say and it never worked. My letters were used against me, just as my words were...twisted around and thrown back at me, making everything MY fault and it was always about HIM.
At some point, when I had moved further into my codie recovery, I was able to write letters and have no expectations and though my last XABF did TRY to do the same, it didn't work. I wrote to him in his last stint in jail. When he asked for money, I simply said "no". When he told me how he loved me, wanted to work things out, I told him that though I still did love him, we would never be together because I had moved on and he had given me every reason NOT to trust his words, and that I wished him well.
Think about why you're sending this letter...if it's to "get through to him", I can tell you as an RA, it's not going to work. If it's just to give YOU peace of mind, and a way for you to start moving on with YOUR life, then go for it.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
At some point, when I had moved further into my codie recovery, I was able to write letters and have no expectations and though my last XABF did TRY to do the same, it didn't work. I wrote to him in his last stint in jail. When he asked for money, I simply said "no". When he told me how he loved me, wanted to work things out, I told him that though I still did love him, we would never be together because I had moved on and he had given me every reason NOT to trust his words, and that I wished him well.
Think about why you're sending this letter...if it's to "get through to him", I can tell you as an RA, it's not going to work. If it's just to give YOU peace of mind, and a way for you to start moving on with YOUR life, then go for it.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
I tend to agree with cynical, however, if anything of his is still at your place, that could be an excuse for him to come back for it. How about just boxing the stuff up and dropping it off at his place when you know he won't be there. No note of explanation, and go ahead and block his number from your phone. If you are really done, this will get the message across loud and clear.
Sometimes we never get the chance to have our last say and sometimes we never get to know how things eventually turn out for our addicts. Sometimes it's best to just accept that and move on.
Sometimes we never get the chance to have our last say and sometimes we never get to know how things eventually turn out for our addicts. Sometimes it's best to just accept that and move on.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 136
I agree with Impurrfect and Cynical one
If you don't have any expectations then go ahead. BUT, I also think he probably really does not need that pack of cigs, I'm sure he has bought another.
In my experience from the notes I would write to my ex ABF...he never actually read them or if he did they meant nothing to him. When they are in active addiction...they literally do not think or have feelings like a normal person. They have no feelings or empathy for anyone. So, in my opinon they can't even comprehend a letter or words of LOVE or empathy from someone else. The last one I wrote to my ABF was actually to his addiction...I got the idea on SR. It was a very long letter and all he said was "WOW, you almost made me cry. You should post that so it can help someone" Like I said he did not even comprehend his part or my feelings in the letter or even care.
If you do truly mean every word in your letter and have no expectations then give it to him, but don't have any expectations because you will be dissapointed. If you do not think you can stick to all the things you say in that letter, then I would not waste my time giving him the letter until you can actually stick my what you say.
Sorry that is just my opinion and hope it was not too blunt. ; )
If you don't have any expectations then go ahead. BUT, I also think he probably really does not need that pack of cigs, I'm sure he has bought another.
In my experience from the notes I would write to my ex ABF...he never actually read them or if he did they meant nothing to him. When they are in active addiction...they literally do not think or have feelings like a normal person. They have no feelings or empathy for anyone. So, in my opinon they can't even comprehend a letter or words of LOVE or empathy from someone else. The last one I wrote to my ABF was actually to his addiction...I got the idea on SR. It was a very long letter and all he said was "WOW, you almost made me cry. You should post that so it can help someone" Like I said he did not even comprehend his part or my feelings in the letter or even care.
If you do truly mean every word in your letter and have no expectations then give it to him, but don't have any expectations because you will be dissapointed. If you do not think you can stick to all the things you say in that letter, then I would not waste my time giving him the letter until you can actually stick my what you say.
Sorry that is just my opinion and hope it was not too blunt. ; )
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
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Originally Posted by Impurrfect 
((Detaching)) - I've written many letters, and as long as you have NO expectations of this letter having any affect on him, then I don't see a problem with it. My problem was, I DID have expectations..I still wanted him to SEE/HEAR what I was trying to say and it never worked. Amy
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: huntington wv
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I definitiely hear you on the expectations. That was the big "A-HA!" moment I had last sunday when he used twice in one day. I figured out that all the fighting, all the sadness on my part, was from me wanting him to tell me the truth. I finally realized he wouldn't, possibly couldn't tell me truth. I saw the evidence and that was enough for me. I think I'm considering this because he needs to know what I expect. He asked me what I was going to do, and I don't feel strong enough to talk to him. I'm still thinking about it, though. It's funny, when I was driving him homw last week, one of the things he was yelling at me about was wanting me to buy him a couple of packs of cigs (no job, no money) because he'd left his at my house. Like I said, still considering it. I do need to get the axe and wood splitter back to the guy he's staying with, but I can't mail that lol.
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Location: Atlanta
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((Detaching)) - when you say "he needs to know what I expect" that's an expectation. You've already TOLD him what you expect, right? You say, in the first sentence that this is "another letter"....so why are you expecting this to be any different?
I'm sorry, sweetie, but he doesn't care what you expect...when we're in active addiction, no one else's feelings matter. Harsh? yes, but it's the truth. Just like his cigarettes....you're heart is breaking and he's worried about his ****ing cigarettes.
I ALWAYS managed to get my own cigarettes, along with my dope....we A's are quite resilient...also managed to replace the clothes I'd lost along the way, as ((Cynical)) pointed out...when I felt like it. To be honest, clothes weren't that much of a priority....sigh.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sorry, sweetie, but he doesn't care what you expect...when we're in active addiction, no one else's feelings matter. Harsh? yes, but it's the truth. Just like his cigarettes....you're heart is breaking and he's worried about his ****ing cigarettes.
I ALWAYS managed to get my own cigarettes, along with my dope....we A's are quite resilient...also managed to replace the clothes I'd lost along the way, as ((Cynical)) pointed out...when I felt like it. To be honest, clothes weren't that much of a priority....sigh.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
You did ask what we thought, but in the end, you are going to do whatever you want regardless of what we might say. You're not done until you are done. It doesn't sound like you're there yet.
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Location: huntington wv
Posts: 46
Thank you all...especially impurrfect. I am so glad to have the perspective of a recovering addict and I definitely appreciate your, and everyone else's, honesty. I'd never thought about that being an expectation, but now that you say it, it makes sense. I'm glad I wrote te letter, because I need to kow what I expect lol. I'm not going to send it.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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((Detached))) - I got to where I had to write letters TO him, but for ME, but never send them...I looked at it as a way of journaling. Sometimes seeing things in black and white makes them a little clearer for me. I still come to SR, quite a bit, when I need a little clarity I will always be a work in progress.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I will always be a work in progress.Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: May 2009
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Detaching - I agree with everyone else, but the part of your letter that really caught my attention was the part about how you would "allow him to leave messages (updates)".... why would you do that? no answer required, just something to think about.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
Originally Posted by detaching200
I do need to get the axe and wood splitter back to the guy he's staying with, but I can't mail that lol.
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