PJSparks

Yesterday BF, codeine addict supposedly in recovery after n-th tailing down programme with suboxone, arrives into my life with barely 6hours warning. Not seen him for almost 3 weeks during which time he was meant to be detoxing, apart from New Years' when he waltzed in on me unannounced, before leaving just as suddenly. Meanwhile yours truly has been suffering from much loneliness, heartache, guilt-tripping about feeling lonely and needy (see previous post if you want to know...)

So yesterday he arrives, and I can tell straight away something is wrong with that man. I went "oh no..." but decided against asking him anything about it. In retrospect I should have known he had popped certain other pills. His usual technique is to stop withdrawal symptoms by self-medicating with benzos and/or zopiclone. I don't know if people know the symptoms, but it aint pretty - falling asleep everywhere, thinking everything's smashing, puzzling over why everyone's being so boring and so against him, being very stubborn, and complete amnesia the next day. So friends and family get the full brunt of his delusions and grandiose behaviour, and he wakes up next morning and gets bloody OFFENDED that people have got their back up.

Anyway he admits to me he had a "slip up" (wtf) because he was really suffering from withdrawal symptoms (he -supposedly- stopped the sub 3 weeks ago) but he "learns every time" and this time he intended to stop over the next 2 weeks where "mum isnt on (his) case" and I'll have the real him back for good. And oh "please dont be upset because it makes me feel worse".

I then decide I've had enough and that I'll talk to him the next day when he's come down. I let him know that. (maybe I shouldnt' have done in retrospect) This morning I had class. 3 missed calls at 2pm and 2 txts along the lines of "this is meant to be a good natured comment but it's annoying to wake up to find you gone and that you haven't got your phone with you". Still willing to placate him at that point, having genuinely missed those txts. Meet him and he is so off his face it is unbelievable and near broke my heart. He picks up on it and asks me what's wrong. I say that I'm really unhappy because I've waited near a year for him to sort himself out, that each time is "going to be the last time" and that I can't take it anymore. He proceeds to deconstruct my argument:

-Just give me 15 days
-I honestly really am going to stop this time
-I'm only taking those other things to calm me down - in fact I've been without codeine for 4 days now
-This is the last thing I need right now - this is an illness I deserve all the support I can get
-You are making me feel bad
-If you think you're having a hard time how do you think I feel
-You should have your own life really that will encourage me to really stop for good
-If we stop being together I won't be able to hang out with your friends anymore which is what I need right now - to socialize
-My parents have put up with me all this time, you haven't had to wait all that long
-It's all because I fell out with my housemates back in September, they framed me, I was really on my way out back then and it's all their fault
-I've been taking benzos and z's because they stop me feeling anxious and prevent me doing something stupid (i.e. take codeine)
-no one's EVER managed to tell that I was on anything not even my parents, I'm telling you its fine (completely forgetting that we talked about it one other time it happened and spiralled really badly, ending in him relapsing!!!!!!!!!!)


Totally exhausted and at my wits end, I am reduced to saying over and over again that I am unhappy. I collapse in tears and run to lock myself in my room. His dad (!) calls to ask whats up with him (BF rang him to tell him that I "was trying to split up with him, but apart from that everything's fine"), and I tell him that I can't take it anymore.

I am having doubts as to whether I emotionally manipulated BF in this conversation - tears weren't lacking. I started down the "You did (this) to me, and (this)" track; i felt backed into a corner I guess and was fighting to get out, fighting to believe that it wasn't about not having a good enough reason to leave that means you have to stay

BF was put to bed by other housemates, then woke up and came to see me, not remembering a single thing. 3 hours only. Round 2 -
- What happened? (Classic)
- You're really good at victimizing yourself
- Great you've told your friends now everyone thinks I'm an idiot (my friend called me coz she was worried I hadn't got in touch with her all day, and for once I decided to tell her what was going on, the one time I ever have done and GOD it felt GOOOOD)
- No one has ever noticed that I'm on anything at all (duh!!!!!)
- 15 days isn't that long
- It's all because of those other people

I tell him that I wanted out because I've fallen into a pattern of behaviour where I expect a certain type of behaviour from him when he is high on various things that was slowly affecting how I interacted with him when he was sober (thinking that he was sober then but tbh I had no F***ing idea, and had lost patience anyways). I wasnt like that before I met him, and I was happy then and wanted to be healthy again. That offended him, and he said it was over. I tell him I remember the bad times more than the good times, and he says that's normal and that really I should have more sympathy and understanding for what he was going through. I dont know what to think anymore

He's just driven off, banging the door.

There has got to be a better way to deal with this - I felt my approach was really clumsy and my brain felt like a rabbit caught in the headlights of an 18-wheeler coming very very very fast with a full load of weight training machines

I am going to sleep, and come back and read this and maybe it will all make sense tomorrow

If you've stuck until the end of this rant, my deep thanks

PJ xxx

Stereosteveo

"-You should have your own life really that will encourage me to really stop for good"

I'd run with that one.

Chino

What you've typed is a perfect example of crazy making behavior we talk about. I learned the hard way I cannot reason with someone active in addiction; we do not share the same reality.

Impurrfect

(((PJ))) - Sweetie, I'm an RA (recovering addict) and he's talking very much like an active addict who has every intention of holding onto using. When we're using, we don't make sense to anyone but ourselves. Things I thought were perfectly logical at the time, make me just shake my head, now and wonder WTF I was thinking? Truth was, all I was thinking about was escaping reality...getting high.

You DO deserve your own life, you DO deserve to be happy and I don't see him bringing you anything but more pain.

I'm also a recovering codie and have had the same type conversations more than a few times. I've finally gotten to where I don't even try....there's no reasoning with an unreasonable person.

I hope you're getting some sleep.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Found

Your standard of behaviour was quite adequate! (very good!)

Don't have anything to do with that person!

I hope you'll be safe!

eaglesgirl

He is doing what an addict in active addiction does best... Manipulation and deflection.
He is manipulating you into staying and believing his lies by deflecting the guilt and shame HE feels onto you... He's lieing about his use...he is actively using and down-playing the use to make you believe is is "tapering"...

He is a quacking duck at it's finest... All the excuses he is giving you...we have heard them all before with our own A's.

The best thing you can do for yourself... Distance from him, reading here on SR as much as you can, and finding yourself a Nar-anon or Al-anon meeting meant for US.

outtolunch

You still have the same phone number. You respond to his text messages. You open the door and let him into your place. You listen to his noise. Every inch you give him, validates your choice to give him power, over you. Nothing changes, if nothing changes.

Sounds like he has no intention of changing anything. The rest is just blah, blah. Nothing changes, if nothing changes.

Sounds like your emotional wellbeing is tied to what he does or not, something you have absolutely no control over. Nothing changes, if nothing changes.

Some day you will tire of this relationship, by hopeful fantasy, and take back the power. Until then, nothing changes, if nothing changes.

You have a choice in all of this.

outtolunch

This is a classic.

Such drival works because it's often effective at making other people feel connected and responsible.

cessy68

I like having a rebutal in my head when this happens. Heres what I'd do, Id counter every statement with my truth.

-I have given you 5 days, 10 days, 15 days before. I don't want to afford you any more of MY days. I will live my days, you live yours. When you are healthy, perhaps we can re-visit sharing our days...... until then I deserve peace.


-I'm sure you HONESTLY believe in your mind that you will stop this time. Let me know when that happens, because this is exactly what you said LAST time you were HONESTLY going to stop.

-All of us in life can 'take things' to calm down, but we don't. We develop what's called coping skills, (which have nothing to do with drugs). When you learn to 'calm' yourself without the aid of pharmacuticals, let me know. Addiciton is addiction is addicition. I don't want it in my life, whether it calms YOU down or not.

-if my attitude is the last thing you need right now, then so-be-it. GO get your support from people who are equippted to deal with you. People who have the life-skills, and training to create boundries and hold you accountable.. because for once this is about ME and NOT YOU, I have my own addiction, which is letting you go. I have to take care of ME and my illness, do not expect me to be roped into filling YOUR void.

-No one makes anyone 'feel' anything, you are making yourself feel bad. Look in the mirror and react to yourself. I am making my life better, make yours better for YOURSELF.

-Yes I'm having a hard time right now.... and it's not my responsiblity to imagine what YOU are feeling. You are responsible for you, as I am responsible for me. I am NOT asking YOU to understand what I feel, I am asking you to respect my choices.

-I am attempting to have my own life, and you must understand, that currently does not include you. Respect that.

- You won't be able to hang out with MY friends? Ok. And what part of that don't you understand? MY friends, MY life. Get YOUR OWN FRIENDS, and YOUR OWN LIFE> (hint hint, there might be some friends you'll make at rehab). (lol. being sarcastic there.)

-so your parents put up with this? so, you've learned that all people should put up w/your irresponsiblity and inability to function in a healthy relationship-I'm not jumping on THAT band-wagon, sorry buddy.

-all your housemates fault. Hmmmm. yep, my fault, their fault, everyone but YOU? Hmmmm. Please, tell this to someone who believes that b.s. (maybe your parents that have "put up with this" from you.)

-your taking benzos for anxiety? And how ofter are you seeing your psychiatrist that is perscribing this for you, and helping you with cognitive-behavioral therapy?

-I'm glad you've been able to 'fool' everyone else. My eyes are wide open. Find someone else to placate you, in the meantime, know full-well that I will call you out on your addiction, and thats why I'm asking you to exit MY life, because I know it, see it, and DO NOT WISH TO ENTERTAIN IT OR YOU.

Love,
Me.

outtolunch

I spent 30 years working in an industry known for a high population of functional alcoholics.

I learned early on to never listen to, reason with, refute, argue or try to change anyone addicted to alcohol or drugs.

Unfortunately, I did not apply this life lesson when the addict was my own daughter. It took me a while to remember what I knew to be true.

Chino

Same here. I can't tell you how many parties I went to where I arrived late, everyone about 10 ten drinks ahead of me and in another world. Conversation and catching up was out of the question and I'd end up leaving very soon.

coffeedrinker

PJ,

Although you probably know you do not need to justify your reasons for leaving this relationship, you [I]feel[I] as though you do. I get it, I have done the same.

Every rebuttal Cessy wrote down is right on. However, as Outto pointed out, it will make no difference - he is unable to hear you.

The two statements that indicate - without a doubt - that he is not truly cleaning up, are the ones that either blame another, or that attempt to manipulate you into sticking it out w/him or feeling sorry for him. Actually they all do, but if I ever heard one or the other, I would know the person was in active addiction.

As for the 15 days, that is not nearly long enough to see the turnaround you wish for.
Inpatient treatment lasts a minimum of 21 days, and there is ample evidence to suggest that for a real shot at recovery, it needs to be 3 to 6 months.

outtolunch

No is a complete sentance. Giving reason opens the door to negotiations.

Trust me on this one. I negotiate for a living.

PJSparks

We are finished.


I think we will both find it difficult as we live in the same house (individually rented accomodation - like a dorm) and have to share common areas, but I have friends where I can stay the night if I find it will make me happier.


I've been building myself up towards this for a long time - but it's surprising how that doesn't change how painful it is. It's for the best . . . I won't let self-pity in. Hey the sun still shines right!??

teke

one foot in front of the other, it will get better for you. i'm a ra married to an active addict. i've heard it all, actually went for it all for 21yrs and if i allow it, it could go on that much longer. no reasoning with an active addict.

his addiction or recovery has nothing to do with you at all, regardless of what he might say. focus on his actions and not his words. you deserve a better life, that decision my dear is up to you and you don't need an excuse or explanation to have one. you are in my prayers

coffeedrinker

Good for you, PJ, you KNOW you are making the best decision here. And one day you'll REALLY REALLY know it

Ann

As mentioned before, you really do have choices here on how you want to live your life. You can choose to be happy and free, and it sounds like you just took the first step toward that.

The first step is the hardest, it can only get better from here.

Hugs