detaching200

So, I haven't spoken to the addict for 5 days now, aside from texting a few things. for instance, monday he was texting me because the guy he is staying with found out what he had done (got wasted, tried to steal my xanax) and wanted him to move out. I sent back "deal with it, not my problerm." They worked it out. He told me about two meetings he planned to go to this week, but for whatever reason didn't. He told me he's supposed to go to some counselor this monday, don't really know what it's all about. Anyway, I'm trying to figure out what I want.
Here's my connundrum: I love him. We are So happy when he is sober, and when he is being honest. unfortunately, even after all that has happened he still isn't honest. As I said in previous posts, the last 2 times he's been with me he has stolen, used and lied. this while possibly facing prison. I cannot trust him. I want to be supportive of his recovery, but he isn't recovering from what I can tell. I'm lonely. I hate to admit it but I am. I love the good times with him almost as much as I hate the bad times, but I know I desrve better than this. I ust have to come to terms with the fact that I probably won't GET anyone better. That doesn't mean I should take less than I deserve, just that I have to be happy alone. I wIas getting there, then this last whatever it is has shown me how good it can feel, and I feel sad again. I've been treated like **** by a few guys over the last year, and I'm really better off without them, I know. I just don't know whether it's best to stick it out and try again, or give it up and move on. I feel I'll never be able to trust him, and what is the point of a relationship with someone you can't trust?
sorry for rambling. Just bouncing things around, sometimes writing helps me think! any opinions are welcome f course

outtolunch

Is it possible that your guy picker has been malfunctioning lately?

Consider picking up, an oldie but goodie, copy of "Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives" by Laura Schlessinger. You can find a used copy on Amazon for about $3.

While I do not agree with Dr. Laura about many things, this book is spot on.

coffeedrinker

Oh my gosh, you and I are twin spirits in different bodies. When mine relapsed in a BIG way, the pain far exceeded the wonderful of us being "on". That's when I called it off, but it took an incredible amount of disillusionment and sadness and the few remaining "smart" brain activity I had to even do that. But I drew a line and he agreed to get clean and stay that way.

The second sentence of what I quoted, is a concern. After many years of thinking about it and finding that I have never been seriously attracted to a non-addict, I resigned myself that it's - for whatever reasons - the way I am. With that decided, I decided that I could be with a recovering addict. As my friend told me "....with that being said, you at least have a nice addict" LOL.

One other thing that popped into my head.

I am doing some therapy right now. At my last appointment he said that I am working on a happier life. If I climb at a rate faster than my S/O, I will likely one day reach a level, and a point, where I say "hmmm, you are too immature. Not wanting this anymore." Or that he may do that with me. Work on yourself and getting yourself healthy, and you'll be amazed at how much less crap you'll tolerate.

In the meantime, keep the distance - it's good for both of you.

tjp613

detaching - I don't know how old you are, but I'm 51 (and a half!) and I've been around the block a time or two. I've been in 5-6 significant relationships in my life and on my second marriage. 1st one lasted 16 years, I am now married 8 years to #2. This is what I have learned: Love is not enough. Above all else, your life-partner should be a very good man, with integrity, honesty, a good work ethic, and stable family values. He should have good relations with his family, has many long-term friends, and enjoys a variety of activities. He ideally shouldn't drink beyond what is sociable and should be reliable to come home or call when he says he will. He should have a good heart, value your presence in his life, seek out and respect your opinion in most matters.

If your man is all these things, and just happened to get messed up with drugs along the way, but is actively and vigorously pursuing his recovery, then MAYBE he is worth supporting. If not, then I'd say cut him loose while you still have your youth.

Just my $0.02.