jacksdaughter

But tell me how does it happen how does your child begin to destroy themselves. I'm sorry I just keep asking myself that same question.

Ann

There is no one answer to that question, JD, but I am certain that nobody decides that when they grow up they want to be an addict.

Some use recreationally, and it gets out of hand when they are grabbed by the disease of addiction.

Some use to mask pain, as a way to cope or feel better by medicating rather than facing and addressing their problems.

There is a clear connection between addiction and mental illnes that is becoming more recognized and researched every day. People suffering from bi-polar syndrome, depression, anxiety or panic attacks, and many other mental sicknesses often use and initially it helps them...and then they too get "hooked" and the addiction escalates. Sometimes the drug use triggers the mental sickness. By the time a person is addicted, it doesn't matter which came first, but both need to be treated and they cannot even diagnose mental problems while a person is addicted to drugs.

While I don't know why they get addicted and continue to destroy themselves, I do know that they don't do it to hurt their mamas or anyone else. They hate their addiction as much as we do, but are just unable to stop without help, and they rarely reach out for help until the pain of addiction is greater than the fear of stopping.

I used to beat myself up with the "why" and "what if" questions, and asking the question never brought me a single answer.

The only answer I found that helped me was finding meetings, getting a sponsor and learning to work 12 steps that literally saved my life.

Hope this helps a little. My guess is that it may not today, but someday you may look back and say "so that's what this was all about."

Hugs and prayers for your child and for you.

cherrie1

I totally agree with Ann. And I have often asked myself the same question. My son just like I am sure many others had it all, great family, great college (where he picked up drug habit) and threw it all away. Why do some kids dabble and try stuff and mine becomes the addict? I know no one would ever want to be an addict but unfortunately it happens an it just so happens it was my son. I miss him terribly, his brothers miss him as does his father. We have spent so much money and he was in recovery for a year before he relapsed. How could he ever be stupid enough to let that happen again? Now he is 25 with two felonies and once again in recovery. We will never be able to understand.

BBD

I really think that when kids experiment with drugs there are two types....the type that can do it and let it go....and the other type has an addictive personality and is hooked. My son tells me he never planned this type of life and is now trying so hard to get it together. Its a daily stuggle and staying on the right path with the right friends is soooooo important.

Chino

I've thought about that a lot with my daughter. I think it started when she had the misfortune of encountering a few bullies, both adult and youth. Being a child she lacked coping skills, and with her personality type, she internalized all of it. I couldn't help her when she was child because she didn't reach out, and when she did, I was way out of my league though I didn't know it. All the things that worked for the rest of my family did not work for her.

I ended up being one of her tormentors too, in my ignorance.

At some point she gave up and gave in to making herself feel better any way she could. She's been having the fight of her life ever since addiction started, trying to find a better way. Now that she's 22, all I can do is continue to encourage and support her, remembering how fragile she is underneath all the layers of false bravado.

Ann mentioned the connection between addiction and mental illness. There's another connection between addiction and neurological disorders, with my daughter having two issues. Traumatic brain injury, even mild concussions depending on what part of the brain, can contribute to addiction. In my daughters case, it was the area that involves self control. Her first concussion happened as a child and never healed properly. She also has a weak connection between two receptors in her brain, and it's the one commonly associated with Asperger's Syndrome, though she doesn't meet all the criteria for diagnosis.

The other night I found her quietly crying in her room. She told me all her friends were either back into drugs or getting deeper. All I could do was hug her and no more words were spoken. I'm pretty sure she was fighting temptation and loneliness. She won that battle and last night, too. One day at a time and I'm grateful for each day.

Impurrfect

((Jacksdaughter))

I grew up with 2 very loving parents, was taught to believe I could do anything I set my heart to. Went to college in my senior year of high school, was working for the gov't at that time. Went on to have good jobs, got another degree as an RN.

My first love was with a functioning alcoholic and I became a raging codie. I remember my mom crying, asking "what did I do wrong to make you believe you deserve this?" as she tried, her best, to get me to walk away from him. I didn't and ended up developing my own addiction and sinking to depths I never thought I would.

I went from a successful RN to a homeless crack addict who would jump into cars with strange men to get money to support my habit and that of my THIRD now XABF, who I recently found out died last month in a crack house.

Ann is right...I didn't do it to hurt my family. My mom died when I was still with XABF #1 and though I know she's always looked over me, I'm glad she was not here to see me through the worst of it. I put my dad, stepmom, niece and others who love me through hell, though. It wasn't intentional.

When the rare moments of clarity would come, about what I was doing to them, I instantly went out and got more crack...that's how I dealt with EVERY emotion. My logic was "I'll deal with that later". Later became days, then weeks, then months, then years. I'm fortunate that it was only a little more than 2 years when I hit bottom, but in all honesty, I'd been using one substance or another to "deal" with my emotions for decades, it was just crack that brought me to my knees.

Like ((Chino's)) daughter, I have recenty watched friend sink into addiction and it hurts. My bestest friend are the ones I've made on SR and I've never even met...I e-mail them, several times a day....sometimes about recovery, but most often about just normal, every day stuff. I am eternally grateful for their friendship.

I truly regret what I put my family through, but again, it was not done intentionally. Even though I lived that life, I can't put it into words what a hold addiction has on us...we just don't think logically. The things we do make perfectly good sense, at the time, and we honestly think we're not hurting anyone but ourselves. If we DO realize it, oh well, we'll go out and use more to forget it. It sounds cruel and heartless, but it's what addiction does to us. It totally takes over our brains.

I'm also not giving him an excuse. At any time, we can say "I've had enough" and choose recovery. I got to that point when my family stepped back and let me really, really feel the consequences. When I relapsed and was a stone's throw from finding myself in PRISON (I'd been in jail and a diversion center, but never prison and didn't yet have a felony on my record), it snapped me back into reality. That doesn't work for everyone, but it did me. I'd had enough clean time to find out that I COULD live without crack, but that I had to make changes to learn to do it and be HAPPY, not miserable....so I did.

I'm sorry you're hurting, I really am.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

outtolunch

My daughter has a normal IQ and cognitive disabilities. She is a concrete
thinker and does not infer well, anticipate outcomes or easily adapt to /cope with change. She has many cognitive distortions.

She was not in the same places as the mainstream kids, at school. She had no passions or aspirations despite opportunities. And yeah, she was waving a freak flag.

At 19, she met a guy, a recently released convicted felon, several years older than herself. When he relaped, she decided to give it a try and see what it was all about. She wanted to be like and loved by this guy. The rest was history.

Despite my daughter's learning differences, there is only one thing that makes us different as it relates to addiction. I never tried. If I had, chances are, one of the big three, heroin, crack or crystal meth would have hooked me, like it does almost everyone who tries.

I think this is the difference between alcohol and drugs......not all people can become alcoholics. Anyone can become addicted to substances.

No one intends on becoming addicted. It's immature thinking to believe that one is unique and will not become addicted.

painter

Dear Jacksdaughter. I hear your heart breaking and your mind racing. I too have been there. There is no one answer. And we get no where trying to figure it out. I have reached for that button on the back of my brain to turn it off millions of times. Never found it. Just know that I feel for you and your aching heart.

Spiritual Seeker

Addiction is a equal opportunity destroyer....it manifests in all socio-economic, intelligence + emotional IQs, rural/urban settings, family dynamics, etc.

That being said, in my son's case, there is some mental illness in the family & he obviously has a genetic link. Though his relatives with mental illness never became addicts.

I only wondered WHY for a short time and quickly realized it makes no difference.
There is no need to struggle with that question as it is a frustrating mental exercise that does not move us forward to acceptance.

jacksdaughter

Thank you to everyone all your replys help me so much. I talk to DAS yesterday and he tells me they went to a meeting but I can hear in his voice that I believe he is back to his doc.

outtolunch

Is there more mental /emotional illness than ever before, in history? Or are there more medical diagnostic codes for mental/emotional illness than ever before. No doubt everyone could qualify for a few.

Society is more aware of mental/emotional illness. There is a pill to medicate just about anything.

There is, I think, a fine line between chronic immaturity and mental /emotional illness. From the "sticky" at the top of this page. posted by Cynical One:

.....our world recognizes chronological ages, not maturity levels

Highly addictive medications developed to ease end of life pain are routinely prescribed for dental work, sprained ankles and stomach aches.

Serious hard core drugs are everywhere. Addiction is a cultural epidemic, almost everywhere.