ladyhawk69

Tomorrow will be 5 weeks since C left the house. I have been doing very well emotionally considering what I have yet to overcome. I went to Roswell Cancer center yesterday and got my "agenda". I am having a port put in (unerskin iv line) on Monday and the chemo will start shortly after that. I was doing well until yesterday morning when C called me and left a messge just to see how I was and for me to call him if I wanted, when I was ready. I've come to the conclusion in my life (after this being the 2nd addict I've been involved with), that they don't use after I have them leave. The first one, D (youngest sons dad) straightened his life out, quit drugs, drinking and even smoking and is doing VERY well now. C, hasn't done anything since the day he walked out. I think I'm the fluffer. You know, the one BEFORE the one. The one that takes all the **** and prepares them for their good life............without me. I'm just having a pitty day and once in awhile, I guess I'm allowed. Yesterday at the cancer center made everything real and when you are faced with your own illness and start talking about 5 year survival rates, it really makes you think. I morn the man that was in my house, not the one he became in it. I do hope he makes it, I really do. For himself and his family. I also know I will, for myself and MY family.

greeteachday

((((Kiki)))) You are going through a lot and certainly allowed a pity day...Just don't stay there too long, okay? I am certain you are no fluffer...You are a strong, caring, remarkable young woman who will get through this and emerge even more amazing. Walk with us okay? Together we can make it through anything. Lots of prayers for physical and emotional healing

teke

greet said it best. just want you to know that i'm saying an extra prayer for your healing physically and emotionally too.

BBD

You can do this Kim. You have alot of great friends that will be standing by your side through your journey. If its one thing that I have learned through all this its that we can't drink with a recoving addict till he's at a place where drinking doesn't matter to them..Hang in there girl~~

Impurrfect

(((Kiki)))) - sending you a ton of healing and comforting hugs and prayers. You have a lot going on, right now, but you also have a lot of support. I don't think you are a "fluffer", either. I think maybe these guys see a strength in you, and you have what they want and when they lose you, that's when they realize it? I don't KNOW that, but being an RA, it's what comes to mind. I know if any of my XABF's had gotten it together, I'd have been frustrated (at first) that they waited until AFTER we weren't together, but then quickly realized it was too late, anyway and wished them well. It's all about me, now, just as it has to be all about YOU

Again, sending you many hugs and prayers!

Amy

ladyhawk69

Love to all of you who responded! It makes my heart sing when I hear such wonderful things from people I've only met via my keyboard. I've had a rough week planning and scheduling all my treatments etc; I start chemo on Tuesday. I've met a wonderful lady who supports cancer patients and she gave me a ton of comfort items to get me through. It was a great meeting and I'm glad I met her. (Thanks Bonnie!!) I don't think about Chris much. He and I have come to an understanding that we both need to get well. We are friendly to each other and he helps me when he can. My friends all tell me about "finding someone". I'm not ready nor do I want to even try. I had what I wanted and don't think I can replace that. When you connect with someone on a totally different level than you are used to, that is hard to replace. I'd rather be alone with my kids and maybe 20 cats! LOL Well, that's my update.

Luv you all!! :-)

Impurrfect

I'm glad you found more support and am keeping you in my prayers.

I think that not rushing into another relationship is a good thing, and am glad you have so many furbabies to give you comfort.

Big hugs and prayers, to you sweetie. Please keep us posted!

Amy

jacksdaughter

I know I'm new to all this but I will keep you in my prayers and wish only good things for you. One of my favorite sayings is "we can't change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand". I try to remember this as much as I can.

imallright

Oh sweet girl... know that you are being prayed for and that we are thinking of you!

outtolunch

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Nothing wrong with cats.

sofacat

That's right...I have 4 cats and 2 dogs and they are so happy to see me come home! So, adopt away!

I get what you are feeling, most of us worry when we break up with someone who is not good, we wonder if they will magically be perfect afterward and then some other woman gets to have the "fixed" version. Ugh...I get it....I soooo get it.

I have been away from my A now for a couple of weeks. I have been having a few rough patches in between, but nothing too crippling, ya know?

But I have been thinking about Him aside from his using, and there are things in this relationship that I haven't been happy with for awhile now. And maybe just the craze haze I've been living in for so long didn't allow me to see "all of it" clearly, as I had just been focusing on the drugs. I wonder now if he will get his sh!t together and have the perfect white picket fence life with somebody else after (martyr) I have done all the work! But, some pieces just don't fit, ya know?

It's easy to romanticize people when they are not in your face. I heard a quote in a movie once and I think it's true "Illusions are dangerous people, they have no flaws."

You're not a fluffer...and I think it's funny how you put that BTW! Perhaps these men didn't satisfy you completely either...aside from the using.

Now you have the chance to work on yourself without all that chaos. Could you imagine being with them right now and having to go through chemo too? Run away, run away! (Monty Python reference here)........you're doing good lady. Maybe you'll meet some hot Dr. Man through all of this! Just use all the strength you have filling your heart and mind with positive thoughts.

Thinking of you and sending happy thinking your way!