detaching200

one of the hardest things for me has always been the horrible things he says when he's drunk/high. I constantly think of what my mother said, "the words of a drunk man are the thoughts of a sober man." He always says that he doesn't mean it, but I have to wonder if those thigs are the things he represses when he's sober, and they come out when he's messed up because he has the balls to say it. Thoughts?

cassandra2

I could go along with that statement of your mothers IF it were isolated. Meaning if he is bringing up something that bothered him and saying it outloud but it sounds like this happens regularly for him. That being the case then (and this is my personal belief) it is twisted because they have a problem dealing with life on life's term.

So whatever his issues are become even more twisted with the drink. Its not about you its about all the crap that is on the inside of him. The inability to deal with life.

tjp613

My exAH was verbally abusive then it escalated to physical, which it often does. I have to agree with Cynical....that abuse is abuse no matter what the "cause" and the worst thing about it is the scars it leaves behind on your heart. I like the analogy that words are like hammering nails in a fence. You can remove the nail, but the hole is still there and always will be.

sojourner

I found that the addicts in my life could spew out venom even if they had not used in days or weeks. The foggy thinking, inability to deal with emotions, etc., seems to always be there 24/7. Another reason why i choose not to be around active, untreated use/abuse/addiction.

hps

Maybe it's true for some people that intoxicants are some sort of truth serum. And maybe it's true for some people that they are just as nasty sober as they are intoxicated. For me, a lot of issues went away once I got sober (didn't have to lie about being drunk, wasn't feeling miserably hung-over, wasn't depressed about what I did when drunk or my fate as an alcoholic).

I'd agree with the other posters that it's not worthwhile agonizing over the source of the abuse, the focus should be on getting away from the abuse. Maybe he'll see the light and get sober, but you should prepare for the scenario where that never happens.

littlebird77

I used to dwell on this for such a long time until I really looked deeply into it. My father is an alcoholic, and was a policeman. Growing up he would YELL YELL AND YELL at me, I thought it was me he was talking to, until I realized he was probably yelling at the people he arrested, or encountered. Even as much as it seemed he was yelling at me. (Was this man's vein on the forehead going to explode because I didn't cross a "t" on my homework?)

If the addicts judgment of what they say is off circuit, then whose to say that who they are yelling at is off circuit as well. How can one thing be off (what they say) and the other be on (who they are saying it to)? When something is off, it is off, not half off, and when the addict uses I'm sure we can all agree, they are OFF.... I just allowed myself to be the portal of all of addicts anger towards the world... and themselves.

cessy68

Huh... ironic littlebird, my ex is a cop, and was an abusive husband. It started slowly.... then worse and worse. He was not a drinker, or an addict. He was just simply a b*****d.

For a while, I justified his behavior as you just did about your dad, "it's his job, he's yelling at a dirtbag he had to arrest, the pressure on the job is so dang hard, they HAVE to be in control".... bla bla bla.

Looking back, I see things so different, I see his abuse. I see the 3 marriage counselrs I dragged him to, (and how he literally walked out screaming in all three attempts). Sometimes I believe what my therapist said, which is they 'profile' a certain 'type' of personality for that work, usually controlling, strong willed, etc, and I /she believes this can be destructive, because that 'power trip' some get actually fills a void in them.... they need to feel 'power' over not only the people they arrest, but those they are in relationships with. It's NOT all cops.... but I've seen it a lot. Bottom line is for me, if they ever saw the way he treated me behind closed doors, he wouldn't have a job today.

Back to the question at hand. For me, I know that I tend to say things when i have a few drinks that I wouldn't say otherwise..... but there probably IS truth to my words. (because I KNOW currently I am frustrated and angry and stuff it down.)

However, with my 'a', he dosen't really do this.... I mean sure, if I were to pick a fight w/ him, or say something rude while he were under the influence of alcohol, he might get defensive..... and that brings out mean words. Yet, for me, my experience is you are either abusive (verbally or otherwise) with or without the drug/drink. My 'a' never speaks ill to or at me. Remember one time he said, "why are you being such a b***h, and it floored me, because he dosen't say swear words to me, or about me. And really even that statement was asking why I was acting in a bit**y manner... not calling me a B****. Therefore, again, as I said, If you are verbally abusive, I believe it is either in you or it isnt.

Love,
Cess

teke

i agree, abuse is abuse and it does progressively get worse. my ah would get abusive when he was high, was crashing from a high and wanting to creat an arguement so he could either get asked to leave or have an excuse to storm out the house to go get high. he'd start saying abusive things simply to manipulate me into being silent and doing nothing to help myself, to divert the attention off his drug use and on to me and my craziness. before i knew it, he had convinced me and everyone we knew that i was the crazy, mean and messed up one who needed to be committed to an asylum.

i'll have to agree with the hammering nail theory, i stuck around long enough for his abusive words to create serious esteem issues in me. he's been gone now for 2yrs and i'm still trying to recover from all those yrs of abuse i've allowed in my life.