Long time no see...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Hollywood, CA
Posts: 58
Long time no see...
and here I am again. Maybe I should stick around this time.
My ABF relapsed... and honestly now I wonder how long he actually was sober. I started suspecting around August/September cause his behavior changed. Not a lot.. but enough that the little radar inside me starting beeping faintly. I confronted him, after finding money missing... he claimed he was upset cause our relationship was hurting (right when I started questioning him.. we started fighting) and was smoking weed but he was done with it, wanted to be good for me, and for our little girl (she's 2).
And we would be good a day or two, then things happened again... anyway long story short I found out he had been "soliciting" men online for money and I threw him out. He dared claim his friend set him up... etc.. so He was on the streets, but breaking into my apt daily to shower and such when I was not home. I would see him lingering around the building... he was high sometimes (his new DOA- meth), others he was genuinely sorry. But I did not take him back and would not let him see our daughter, not like that.
He went to his friend for help... his friend let him crash with him for 2 days, til his intake at a rehab. Well he went to the intake, and then they told him there was a waiting list so to call daily and he could be in when a bed opened up. That was New Years Eve. He called his friend, told him he would meet him later.. and his friend agreed to let him stay there til a bed opened up as long as he was sober. He never made it.
It's been almost a week. No one has heard from or seen him. I still dont want him at home, but am concerned cause I dont want him dead on the streets either. I am so angry with him, and hurt..not just for me (cause despite myself, I do love him), but for our daughter. She asks me where he is everyday. I feel myself breaking down whenever S (our daughter) happens to have a tantrum filled day. Or just laying in bed at night... or just missing how it once was.
How long was the longest your addicts stayed away? How did you pick up the pieces. I am strong enough not to enable him anymore... but that doesn't mean I don't hurt.
My ABF relapsed... and honestly now I wonder how long he actually was sober. I started suspecting around August/September cause his behavior changed. Not a lot.. but enough that the little radar inside me starting beeping faintly. I confronted him, after finding money missing... he claimed he was upset cause our relationship was hurting (right when I started questioning him.. we started fighting) and was smoking weed but he was done with it, wanted to be good for me, and for our little girl (she's 2).
And we would be good a day or two, then things happened again... anyway long story short I found out he had been "soliciting" men online for money and I threw him out. He dared claim his friend set him up... etc.. so He was on the streets, but breaking into my apt daily to shower and such when I was not home. I would see him lingering around the building... he was high sometimes (his new DOA- meth), others he was genuinely sorry. But I did not take him back and would not let him see our daughter, not like that.
He went to his friend for help... his friend let him crash with him for 2 days, til his intake at a rehab. Well he went to the intake, and then they told him there was a waiting list so to call daily and he could be in when a bed opened up. That was New Years Eve. He called his friend, told him he would meet him later.. and his friend agreed to let him stay there til a bed opened up as long as he was sober. He never made it.
It's been almost a week. No one has heard from or seen him. I still dont want him at home, but am concerned cause I dont want him dead on the streets either. I am so angry with him, and hurt..not just for me (cause despite myself, I do love him), but for our daughter. She asks me where he is everyday. I feel myself breaking down whenever S (our daughter) happens to have a tantrum filled day. Or just laying in bed at night... or just missing how it once was.
How long was the longest your addicts stayed away? How did you pick up the pieces. I am strong enough not to enable him anymore... but that doesn't mean I don't hurt.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
I actually started posting "Codie Detox" daily's on here when I separated from my AH starting almost a week ago! I started purging everything I was feeling as I was detoxing from him. It helped me cope and reading back over them, I can see the progress I made in such a short amount of time (in the grand scheme of it all).
We went for 5 days without speaking until he showed up here to get more clothes...(I posted that experience too.) After an hour of him lingering, I had to tell him he couldn't stay here. I thought I may fall apart all over again and start the grieving process from square one...but I didn't. I was relieved that he didn't OD, and could see by his tiny pupils that He still was on opiates. And seeing that helped me "know" that the decision I made to have him leave was the right thing for Me.
It was the longest time in 10 years that I had not spoken or heard from my AH. I was frightened that something bad may have happened, I was angry, I was missing him (still are 2 out of 3 of those) but after a few days of working on myself and the support of SR, I am feeling much better...not BEST, but waaaay better.
It's still not "final" in my head and my heart. I have this fairy tale in my head that he will call me to tell me he's going into rehab and will stay as long as it takes for him to get his "tools" back...and then we live happily ever after.
But the reality is, even if he does make that call and gets sober...if I decide to stay in this relationship, there's a good possibility I may end up right back here again. How many times can a person keep on enduring this kind of pain and sadness? I mean, if I put my hand on a hot burner and it hurts, I would remember to NOT do it again! Right?
I do not have the ability to detach just yet...and knowing that I am only hurting myself by going through this madness over and over again, keeps me right where I am. Boundaries firmly planted in place, and I'm not budging!
Though I do not have a child that looks up at me and wonders where her daddy is, I do know that your lives will get better. I am so sorry for what the two of you are going through, and I hope with the strength and support you need you never have to go through this again, and again, and again!
You're definitely not alone!
((( hugs )))
We went for 5 days without speaking until he showed up here to get more clothes...(I posted that experience too.) After an hour of him lingering, I had to tell him he couldn't stay here. I thought I may fall apart all over again and start the grieving process from square one...but I didn't. I was relieved that he didn't OD, and could see by his tiny pupils that He still was on opiates. And seeing that helped me "know" that the decision I made to have him leave was the right thing for Me.
It was the longest time in 10 years that I had not spoken or heard from my AH. I was frightened that something bad may have happened, I was angry, I was missing him (still are 2 out of 3 of those) but after a few days of working on myself and the support of SR, I am feeling much better...not BEST, but waaaay better.
It's still not "final" in my head and my heart. I have this fairy tale in my head that he will call me to tell me he's going into rehab and will stay as long as it takes for him to get his "tools" back...and then we live happily ever after.
But the reality is, even if he does make that call and gets sober...if I decide to stay in this relationship, there's a good possibility I may end up right back here again. How many times can a person keep on enduring this kind of pain and sadness? I mean, if I put my hand on a hot burner and it hurts, I would remember to NOT do it again! Right?
I do not have the ability to detach just yet...and knowing that I am only hurting myself by going through this madness over and over again, keeps me right where I am. Boundaries firmly planted in place, and I'm not budging!
Though I do not have a child that looks up at me and wonders where her daddy is, I do know that your lives will get better. I am so sorry for what the two of you are going through, and I hope with the strength and support you need you never have to go through this again, and again, and again!
You're definitely not alone!
((( hugs )))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 136
Sadlylost -
I'm sorry you had to find your way back here again. Just wanted to say Hi and let you know you are not alone in this.
I would like to say if you have not already done so, please read and find out everything you can on Meth. My ex ABF is a meth user and when I saw your comment on the soliciting men, it sounded familiar. I never caught mine doing that, but he did like to view pics of very "different" things on porn sites. Things he normally would not view when not high. Meth seems to get rid of ANY inhibitions as it pertains to anything sexual.
My ex addict has been gone now for 4 weeks and it does get easier but I still have my days of sadness. But, I know I'm in a better place now without him here.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
I'm sorry you had to find your way back here again. Just wanted to say Hi and let you know you are not alone in this.
I would like to say if you have not already done so, please read and find out everything you can on Meth. My ex ABF is a meth user and when I saw your comment on the soliciting men, it sounded familiar. I never caught mine doing that, but he did like to view pics of very "different" things on porn sites. Things he normally would not view when not high. Meth seems to get rid of ANY inhibitions as it pertains to anything sexual.
My ex addict has been gone now for 4 weeks and it does get easier but I still have my days of sadness. But, I know I'm in a better place now without him here.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
good seeing you but sorry it had to be for this reason. the longest my ah disappeared was for about 20days so i do understand your concerns. he was out bingeing, probably getting into all kinds of trouble and doing all kinds of stuff to feed his addiction. addicts are very resouceful and can be very determined when it comes to getting their needs met.
sounds to me like he may be out bingeing, i pray not but really there is nothing anyone can do to stop him from doing what he wants to do. i think he'll probably surface when his options for using runs out and somehow you'll know. try to keep the focus on you. i always tell myself "no news is better than bad news", that helps me to get through the day.
sounds to me like he may be out bingeing, i pray not but really there is nothing anyone can do to stop him from doing what he wants to do. i think he'll probably surface when his options for using runs out and somehow you'll know. try to keep the focus on you. i always tell myself "no news is better than bad news", that helps me to get through the day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Hollywood, CA
Posts: 58
thanks all of you. it's so hard. My daughter is almost 2 and 1/2 so she says things, little things that make my heart ache for her. just now she was happily playing with her dolls and one was a crying baby. she said mommy, baby crying. baby is sad. baby wants her daddy. then she held the doll and shhh'd it and hugged it and said its ok baby, daddy be home soon.
and that is why i am here. i dont understand how he could do this to her. she ADORES him. she has been a daddy's girl from day one. and...when he wasn't using he was such a good dad. he swore up and down he could never be away from her again...and yet, here we are. i feel so helpless cause i cant make her little heart stop hurting. i am sooooooo angry at him for ruining our family but what i wouldn't give just for one tiny call so I can at least know he is still alive and I could manage to tell my daughter something other than im sorry baby. it's not fair. i have to mend her heart and mine while he gets to run away and forget us.
and that is why i am here. i dont understand how he could do this to her. she ADORES him. she has been a daddy's girl from day one. and...when he wasn't using he was such a good dad. he swore up and down he could never be away from her again...and yet, here we are. i feel so helpless cause i cant make her little heart stop hurting. i am sooooooo angry at him for ruining our family but what i wouldn't give just for one tiny call so I can at least know he is still alive and I could manage to tell my daughter something other than im sorry baby. it's not fair. i have to mend her heart and mine while he gets to run away and forget us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Hollywood, CA
Posts: 58
It's been exactly a week since anyone has seen or heard from him. I am worried cause as crazy as it sounds, even before on his binges he would call even if it was to say some stupid delusional crap, but at least I would know he was alive. Should I do a missing persons report or just let it go?
Besides that concern, I am doing ok. I get sad, I cry...but I live my life. I have great friends I spend time with and a pretty busy schedule (thankfully). My daughter is amazing and while it's hard doing the single parent thing with a very active 2yr old, I think I am doing ok. She misses him, but I try my best to keep her happy and I pray someday he can be a good father to her like she deserves.
Besides that concern, I am doing ok. I get sad, I cry...but I live my life. I have great friends I spend time with and a pretty busy schedule (thankfully). My daughter is amazing and while it's hard doing the single parent thing with a very active 2yr old, I think I am doing ok. She misses him, but I try my best to keep her happy and I pray someday he can be a good father to her like she deserves.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 729
With my sister who has been using everything under the sun for years we sometimes wont hear from her for a month or so. She calls to say she is alive or misses her family but it is never easy knowing she is on the streets. I will pray for you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
I took a look at your first post, more than 1.5 years ago and it reads similar to your current situation. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
He is a crack addict. He is doing what crack addicts do. Disappearing is common stuff. You already know this.
It is not a crime to go missing. Stealing from you and your or his own family is however, a crime, should anyone care to press charges. Prostitution is also a crime and often results in STDs.
He is out there, doing what crack addicts do, which may, in this case, include soliciting men. Addiction is a state of being, not a verb. His addiction has nothing to do with you or your child. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this.
Addiction is progressive. He is not going to just snap out of this.
Straight and sober moms have been known to lose custody of their children because they knowingly expose their children to the instability associated with having someone in active addiction, around their children. It could come to this.
Your child's father is a sick man. It's up to you to put aside your hopes for this relationship and do what's best for her. You are strong enough to do this.
Have yourself checked for STDs. If you choose to persist in this relationship, please double up on the birth control. You have no idea where he has been or what he is doing and he's not going to be truthful. Babies do not cure addiction.
He is a crack addict. He is doing what crack addicts do. Disappearing is common stuff. You already know this.
It is not a crime to go missing. Stealing from you and your or his own family is however, a crime, should anyone care to press charges. Prostitution is also a crime and often results in STDs.
He is out there, doing what crack addicts do, which may, in this case, include soliciting men. Addiction is a state of being, not a verb. His addiction has nothing to do with you or your child. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this.
Addiction is progressive. He is not going to just snap out of this.
Straight and sober moms have been known to lose custody of their children because they knowingly expose their children to the instability associated with having someone in active addiction, around their children. It could come to this.
Your child's father is a sick man. It's up to you to put aside your hopes for this relationship and do what's best for her. You are strong enough to do this.
Have yourself checked for STDs. If you choose to persist in this relationship, please double up on the birth control. You have no idea where he has been or what he is doing and he's not going to be truthful. Babies do not cure addiction.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Hollywood, CA
Posts: 58
I don't think I said I want him back here. Really I just want to know he's alive somewhere. I know I can't do anything and I didn't cause it...that whole part I have come to terms with. I have taken steps to protect myself and my daughter..tried filing a restraining order but the judge told me I have no legal cause since he has not hurt me, hurt the baby and while yes he is a sick person who needs help, he is no threat to me. I told them about the soliciting...and even that is not enough. He could even do it here, in my home, since his name is on the lease also, and he can use his home for his purposes. He can take whatever he wants since it's community property. I could contact the cops and report the soliciting, but the chances of that turning into enough cause for arrest are slim to none. So instead I started custody proceedings...now I just have to find him to have someone serve him...ugh.
Really its been a long time...and I have learned a lot of lessons. Do I hope that someday (someday being the key word here) we can all be a family again? Sure..I dont think anyone that has truly loved someone and started a family doesn't hope for that happy ending. Do I need him to go on? Nope...not one bit. I have my own life that I enjoy and
I keep busy. But I still have a heart..and I am allowed to worry, and I am allowed to feel pain and I am allowed to be concerned and hope that I get a phone call saying..hey im alive. I am only human.
Really its been a long time...and I have learned a lot of lessons. Do I hope that someday (someday being the key word here) we can all be a family again? Sure..I dont think anyone that has truly loved someone and started a family doesn't hope for that happy ending. Do I need him to go on? Nope...not one bit. I have my own life that I enjoy and
I keep busy. But I still have a heart..and I am allowed to worry, and I am allowed to feel pain and I am allowed to be concerned and hope that I get a phone call saying..hey im alive. I am only human.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i do understand your pain, your worry and yes, you do have a right to your emotions but trust me, too much worry can make you physically sick. i'm sure when he's ready, he or somebody will contact you. you and your family are in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
SL,
Just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're going through this and it is not easy not hearing anything from him or not knowing if he is alive. Thank goodness you (and he) live in CA rather than here in MN where it has been extremely cold and snowy.
Be thankful for the little things and try to go through your day (each and every day) with as much normalcy as possible. Have you attended NarAnon or AlAnon? Might be helpful to get some face-2-face support.
Just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're going through this and it is not easy not hearing anything from him or not knowing if he is alive. Thank goodness you (and he) live in CA rather than here in MN where it has been extremely cold and snowy.
Be thankful for the little things and try to go through your day (each and every day) with as much normalcy as possible. Have you attended NarAnon or AlAnon? Might be helpful to get some face-2-face support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Hollywood, CA
Posts: 58
Thanks. I am thankful for those little things. Every night I pray God keep him safe and I pray that God help him find his way.
No I have not gone a F2F meeting yet. I leave for work at 7am and get back at 530pm to get my daughter from day care. Then I make her dinner and we play and then I put her to bed. So I am pretty busy til about I'd say 9pm Mon-Fri. I have time on weekends but rarely have child care during the day, so finding a meeting that fits my schedule is tough.
No I have not gone a F2F meeting yet. I leave for work at 7am and get back at 530pm to get my daughter from day care. Then I make her dinner and we play and then I put her to bed. So I am pretty busy til about I'd say 9pm Mon-Fri. I have time on weekends but rarely have child care during the day, so finding a meeting that fits my schedule is tough.
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