fightingfiance

Heads up my spelling and grammer are not proper and the spell check isnt working

I am a newcomer here and i am having a very difficult time figureing out if i am being an enabler or if i am being supportive. I have dealt with addiction before but this time i want to deal with it the right way.

My dad is an alchohlic/drug user I dont remember the drug part but the alchohlic part i do. He sobers up and then crashes over and over and over. With him i disconnected stopped talking to him said all sorts of mean and horrible things to him. I was very hateful and angry. We are better now but things will never be the same. I attended some alanon meetings and that helped but i dont feel like i delt with his situation the right way.

Next it was my mom. She is a compulsive gambler and with her I enabled enabled enabled. Gave her money lied for her the whole thing. It wasnt untill she stole all of my college saving and screwed up my bank account and ruined my credit that i even realized she had a problem. I attended gamanon with her in the end and we are still very rocky and do not see eye to eye on most things.

So as you can see i have done both sides and obviously dont understand where it is i need to be. My situation now is my fiance is using crystal meth. We have a daughter together and another one on the way. I do not want my children to grow up in an addictive home like I did but at the same time i do not want to just walk away and leave my kids with out a dad. His use is up and down. he gets sober for a bit and then relapses to the point where i find pipes and baggies laying around which is not acceptible in general but especially when there are children in the house.

He will not attend group because when he has before he said all he got out of it was more sources which in this area is understandable I have talked to many addicts and recovering addicts in the area they say they used to go to the meetings just to use them as hook up. His brothers are also users and he refuses to seperate himself from them. They had a hard child hood and have it stuck in their heads that they must be there for each other at all cost and stand by each other.

I have taken a few steps already by talking to his brothers and telling them that i love them dearly and understand that i have no control over their use but my house is a drug free house if they are high or carrying drugs they are not welcome at my house. I also plan on talking to my fiance and telling him that i need control of the finaces to ensure that me and our daughter have what we need. I also plan on asking him to check out some of these chatrooms and forums and just give them a try. If not then i will ask him to try out individual counseling. I have not done this all at once because i am trying to take things one step at a time. Because that is all i feel i can handle at this point. I would like to try these things first before just leaving I am just not sure that if by doing this slowly I am some how enableing him or trying to take too much control. I know i need to focus on me and my kids first and fore most but leaving now seems like i havent given him a chance or shown him that i am here for the support if he will take it.I just want to know if i am on the right track this time or if i am way off.

Thanks for taking the time to read and any advice would be appreciated

cassandra2

I think to answer your question you have to know what enabling really is.

Enabling is "helping" someone do something they should be doing on their own. For instances, calling them in sick to work, lying to friends and family to cover up his drug use, cleaning up messes made by addicts, giving them money, giving them a roof over their head, not allowing them to experience the FULL consequences of their drug addiction. That last one is a biggie and could extend to paying their tickets, bailing them out of jail, paying for attorney's.

Boils down to doing anything that someone else can and is able to do for themselves.

Supporting someone is allowing them to make decisions for themselves and letting them know that you love and care for them NO MATTER if the decision is good or bad. Giving them the dignity of experiencing their own consequences of whatever decision GOOD OR BAD.

Boils down to minding your own business.

Sounds harsh but its the truth.

Protect yourself and your kids from the ravages of addiction. Its progressive. It will get worse. With or without you.

Sorry that you are here under these circumstances but glad you found us....

sofacat

Then don't. You're right, it is not acceptable to raise children in that kind of environment...you answered your own question.

Well that is simply a cop out and a way for him to buy some time to get you out of his way so he can use. There's a saying..."Where there's a will, there's a way." He could attend AA meetings if he feels that NA might be too slippery. But that's only if HE'S ready to get sober.

I noticed you say "I" a lot...question is, where is HE accountable for his own addiction? Looks like you're doin' all the work to try and "FIX" him. What steps has he taken to help himself?

You say you don't want your kids to not have a Dad. I had a Dad (he passed away) and he didn't live with me or my brothers and sisters. He was an alcoholic and my Mother separated from him when I was 5. He still didn't stop drinking, and he didn't live in our house...but I still had a Dad.

You're not married to this man yet. Do you really want to be legally and financially bound to an addict who's not interested in recovery?


That sounds like a much better plan. Try to use all of that energy you're spending on trying to "fix" him, and put it to good use on you and your children.

You really answered your own questions here. Get some support for you. Sounds like he's been selfish long enough...now it's your turn.

Read everything you can here. There are lots and lots of people who will help you along the way. You came to the right place.

teke

hi, welcome to sr. glad you found us but sorry you had to. i think you are off to a good start. i also think offering him options in a good thing and that you are also prepared to take the actions you think you need to take just in case he refuses. i pray he does reach out and seek help for himself, after that, there is not much else you can do to help him. he's gonna do what he wants to do with you or without you until he's ready to stop for himself.

i can relate to you not wanting your kids to be without their dad but this same thinking kept me stuck living in addiction with my ah of 23yrs. after 21yrs of this, i HAD to separate myself, i found myself and possibly the kids literally going insane trying to stand by him.

continue to focus on you and your kids, keep posting and reading and keeping us updated. i'm praying for you and your family.

tchappy

Hi,

I really don't know all the details about your fiance's drug use. How often, his attitude when he uses, is he gone for hours or days at a time?

So, I can only tell you that from my experience, the longer they use Meth the worse it gets. The longer they use Meth, the more they use. The longer they use Meth, the more lies they will tell. The longer they use Meth, the less he will care about anything but METH.

I just got out of a relationship with a Meth user. All I can say is that I am still trying to gain my sanity back, my self esteem back and my self respect back from all of the game playing and lies his meth use caused.

PLEASE read everything you can find on this drug. It is a very dangerous mind (brain) altering drug.

Take care of yourself and your children

fightingfiance

Thank you all for your responses
tchappy:his drug use has been up and down he uses and then he stays sober for a month or 2 and then he uses.His attitude when he uses is very emotional. Angry sad happy right after another. He has never gotten physical.
sofacat: I said I so much because i am the only one I can control or at least thats how i feel. The situation is also a little deeper I cant kick him out i have to leave. Im not working because I am on bedrest from the pregnancy and the only place I have to go is the streets or a shelter which is why I am trying these steps first, I have done the homeless and shelter thing and dont want to make my daughter go threw that.

I talked to him today and suggested that maybe he could check out this chat line just to see what he could get out of it and he agreed. So maybe this is a start.

sofacat

My heart goes out to you, Sister!

Stay here with us. You'll come to your own terms when you are ready.

I hope you both find strength here in SR.

ElegantlyWasted

His brothers are also users and he refuses to seperate himself from them. Th..."

From my experience; addicts hang around other addicts because they enable eachother. By tolerating his continued association you are by extension enabling. Decide what your personal boundaries are and stick to them. Best of luck. Alot of great advice here.