I'm not co-dependant....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Callie 
I can somewhat relate to this post. I read CD no more. Though I related to it ALOT I simply didn't fit all of the categories. With her books she almost always says that codies come from addict families. ABSOLUTELY not true with me.
cessy, I mentioned an aunt and alcoholic uncle when I first came here. They remained married through his active phase and are still together through his ongoing sobriety. 50 years altogether, with the majority of them sober. Only my aunt can say for certain, but I don't believe she's co-dependent or ever was. She carried on with her life, never missing a step even when he was gone for weeks or months at a time. She always said she made a vow and she was honoring it, but on her terms.
Anyway, I no longer believe co-dependence is a disorder; it is a learned habit with positive/negative consequences. I believe it can contribute to other disorders/diseases of a neurological origin, such as addiction.
My challenge has been learning something new after 45 years of a learned bad habit, but I am grateful for the discovery process. Otherwise I would not be on a better road
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I love that saying "take what you want and leave the rest." It helped me open up my mind to the fact that some of my behaviors were truly unhealthy and even though i didn't fit the exact definition of a codependent (or an addict), I did have problems based the fact that too much of my inner peace and self-satisfaction was based on what other people thought or how other people acted. I learned that I needed to change my behavior in order to lead the life I knew I was capable of leading. It was no one elses responsibility to change but my own.
Through programs like Alanon and NA, books like "Co-dependent No More" and on this and other recovery websites - I learned to enforce the Serenity Prayer in my life. I use the word enforce because although I had heard of the Serenity Prayer before I hadn't been ready to do the work necessary to achieve my own happiness in life. My happiness was pretty dependent on what other people were doing. Not anymore. It can be a battled some days to check myself and make sure that I am really and truly owning my own behavior, and not trying to change others.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (other people).
The courage to change the things I can (myself).
And the wisdom to know the difference.
if I allow someone else to steal my serenity, that is my problem, and that is something I have to work on by whatever means I have available to me.
RE Boundaries:
Thank goodness we can all draw our own boundaries and that we can choose to enforce them or not as well. To each his own. My boundaries are not drawn from the "minimum acceptable behavior" I will accept. They are drawn around what I really want in my life.
For me - I will not be around people who use illegal drugs to supress their true selves. I just don't want them in my life. I want to be surrounded by healthy people. (In recovery I learned a great lesson - surround yourself with people you want to be like, because you will eventually become like those you surround yourself with.)
I will not allow myself to be verbally disrespected in a relationship.
Stealing? I won't even accept lies in a relationship anymore. No way. Tell the truth or get lost.
I'd go so far as to say stealing, beatings and shooting up drugs are the bare minimum. Totally unacceptable for humanity in general. That's why those kind of behaviors are against the law I guess. I'm never going to let my relationship even get close to that level before I end them. (ever again...)
Everyone has a right to draw their own boundaries. And enforce them as well.
Through programs like Alanon and NA, books like "Co-dependent No More" and on this and other recovery websites - I learned to enforce the Serenity Prayer in my life. I use the word enforce because although I had heard of the Serenity Prayer before I hadn't been ready to do the work necessary to achieve my own happiness in life. My happiness was pretty dependent on what other people were doing. Not anymore. It can be a battled some days to check myself and make sure that I am really and truly owning my own behavior, and not trying to change others.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (other people).
The courage to change the things I can (myself).
And the wisdom to know the difference.
if I allow someone else to steal my serenity, that is my problem, and that is something I have to work on by whatever means I have available to me.
RE Boundaries:
I KNOW that if my bf stole money from me, or used needles, I'd be gone. Period. I know if he knocked me around, and sent me to the hospital, I'd be gone. Period. I'm not going allow anyone to tell me what I KNOW would be my truth.
For me - I will not be around people who use illegal drugs to supress their true selves. I just don't want them in my life. I want to be surrounded by healthy people. (In recovery I learned a great lesson - surround yourself with people you want to be like, because you will eventually become like those you surround yourself with.)
I will not allow myself to be verbally disrespected in a relationship.
Stealing? I won't even accept lies in a relationship anymore. No way. Tell the truth or get lost.
I'd go so far as to say stealing, beatings and shooting up drugs are the bare minimum. Totally unacceptable for humanity in general. That's why those kind of behaviors are against the law I guess. I'm never going to let my relationship even get close to that level before I end them. (ever again...)
Everyone has a right to draw their own boundaries. And enforce them as well.
the journey continues
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Atlantic Canada
Posts: 34
Hi Cess, I too hope you keep coming back; your comments and honesty add a lot to this forum.
I don't post much 'cause anything I have to say someone else always says it better. For example, hello-kitty, well said:
I also don't know if I am truly codependent but remain open to the possibility; I have issues with social anxiety, a need for control and definitely with enforcing boundaries which I must work on in order to have that happy and fulfulled life which we all deserve.
D
I don't post much 'cause anything I have to say someone else always says it better. For example, hello-kitty, well said:
Originally Posted by hello-kitty
. . some of my behaviors were truly unhealthy and even though i didn't fit the exact definition of a codependent . . . too much of my inner peace and self-satisfaction was based on what other people thought or how other people acted . . .
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (other people).
The courage to change the things I can (myself).
And the wisdom to know the difference.
. . .
My boundaries are not drawn from the "minimum acceptable behavior" I will accept. They are drawn around what I really want in my life.
For me - I will not be around people who use illegal drugs to supress their true selves . . . you will eventually become like those you surround yourself with.
I will not allow myself to be verbally disrespected in a relationship.
Stealing? . . . Tell the truth or get lost.
I'd go so far as to say stealing, beatings and shooting up drugs are the bare minimum.
. . .
.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (other people).
The courage to change the things I can (myself).
And the wisdom to know the difference.
. . .
My boundaries are not drawn from the "minimum acceptable behavior" I will accept. They are drawn around what I really want in my life.
For me - I will not be around people who use illegal drugs to supress their true selves . . . you will eventually become like those you surround yourself with.
I will not allow myself to be verbally disrespected in a relationship.
Stealing? . . . Tell the truth or get lost.
I'd go so far as to say stealing, beatings and shooting up drugs are the bare minimum.
. . .
.
I also don't know if I am truly codependent but remain open to the possibility; I have issues with social anxiety, a need for control and definitely with enforcing boundaries which I must work on in order to have that happy and fulfulled life which we all deserve.
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
Cessy
I read co-depen no more numerous times before I could actually see the "points" that I needed to get from it.
Neither of my parents were addicts or alcoholics
no one beat me or abused me
I'm a strong woman
never been in a relationship that was physically or verbally abusive
yet I have a husband thats an addict...........a crack addict who can FUNCTION 98% of the time
the issue isnt where we came from how much money they make or what drug they use.............it comes down to us.........and why we stay
you dont have to believe your co depend or anything else for that matter..............but your still here on SR and you came to SR for a reason
you listed your boundaries dont hit you/ send you to the hospital, steal from you or use neeedles
is that it cessy? Those are the only things you wont tolerate?
Are you happy? Do you see improvement in your life who you are and where your going? Do you see him going forward in your life as long as he doesnt do those 3 things?
For me, its more than a few boundaries-----I want it all I want a husband I can trust that included trust not to use drugs, I want a husband that is present and emotionally healthy and supportive, who contributes in every way.........
ITS his job to be and stay that way its my job to determine when I stop waiting for him to be those things, when I find that I will no longer settle for less than I deserve and want...............
I read co-depen no more numerous times before I could actually see the "points" that I needed to get from it.
Neither of my parents were addicts or alcoholics
no one beat me or abused me
I'm a strong woman
never been in a relationship that was physically or verbally abusive
yet I have a husband thats an addict...........a crack addict who can FUNCTION 98% of the time
the issue isnt where we came from how much money they make or what drug they use.............it comes down to us.........and why we stay
you dont have to believe your co depend or anything else for that matter..............but your still here on SR and you came to SR for a reason
you listed your boundaries dont hit you/ send you to the hospital, steal from you or use neeedles
is that it cessy? Those are the only things you wont tolerate?
Are you happy? Do you see improvement in your life who you are and where your going? Do you see him going forward in your life as long as he doesnt do those 3 things?
For me, its more than a few boundaries-----I want it all I want a husband I can trust that included trust not to use drugs, I want a husband that is present and emotionally healthy and supportive, who contributes in every way.........
ITS his job to be and stay that way its my job to determine when I stop waiting for him to be those things, when I find that I will no longer settle for less than I deserve and want...............
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
For me, my tendency is to control every situation around me. My need to "fix" others can be traced back to childhood. But see I didnt realize that until I started to look at my own behaviors and try to figure out why I kept doing the same thing over and over and still being miserable with the results.
My mother is an alcoholic. I was raised in an alcoholic home. My first marriage was to a man who liked to choke me into submission. I then found myself in a relationship with someone who became addicted to pain pills.
Am I codependent. I would say YES. I too, did not fit all of the criteria but I found alot of my "behaviors" in the CD No More book. I saw alot of my own actions finally being defined in that book. An answer as to why I did the things that I am/was doing. For me that changed my perspective on ALOT of crap that has happened in my life.
I had to pick the book up yet again and start rereading it because I got back onto the control train. Why? Because I am codependent and have NOT worked out my issues for myself.
I think if anyone reads the book almost all of us can identify with those behaviors. Especially if any of us are in relationships with addicts. At some point we have all tried to "help" our addicts.. The question is does it fizzle out and we realize we are NOT getting anywhere and go on to do other things...like live our own lives...OR do we continue on the self-destructive path of "helping" our addict?
My mother is an alcoholic. I was raised in an alcoholic home. My first marriage was to a man who liked to choke me into submission. I then found myself in a relationship with someone who became addicted to pain pills.
Am I codependent. I would say YES. I too, did not fit all of the criteria but I found alot of my "behaviors" in the CD No More book. I saw alot of my own actions finally being defined in that book. An answer as to why I did the things that I am/was doing. For me that changed my perspective on ALOT of crap that has happened in my life.
I had to pick the book up yet again and start rereading it because I got back onto the control train. Why? Because I am codependent and have NOT worked out my issues for myself.
I think if anyone reads the book almost all of us can identify with those behaviors. Especially if any of us are in relationships with addicts. At some point we have all tried to "help" our addicts.. The question is does it fizzle out and we realize we are NOT getting anywhere and go on to do other things...like live our own lives...OR do we continue on the self-destructive path of "helping" our addict?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
PS Cessy I do know how you feel or should I say have been where you are with "letting" your daughter go
my daughter went to study abroad last summer and it was very difficult for me..........even though I had finally adjusted to her being "away" at college the out of the country ~~so far from me was alot to deal with..........
Its things like that experience, these areas that I began to see just how co depend........I am.
To everyone else I was just a worried mom, to me because of all the work I had been doing on myself I was able really look at it for what it was --- for me its control.
I some how felt deep inside that I was out of control I couldnt get there fast enough or be there if she needed me.....she was beyond my reach I just knew she would be harmed or killed or need me somehow and I couldnt get there fast enough.......telling myself the entire time that "its because its dangerous in other countries" or "shes so far away" but as I looked at me and got honest with myself..........yes those things were true the world is dangerous and she was so far away..................BUT
I experienced those same feelings on her first plane ride without me...........as i stood at the window and watched the plane get higher and higher and become just a little dot I realized that little dot was carrying my daughter and she could be gone in the blink of an eye............I stood there and cried like a baby she was beyond my reach beyond my control.......
She made it fine and I lived thru it, just like I did when she went abroad for school.
I raised a smart strong independant young woman and I am learning to allow her to make her own choices, that means for me----letting go of the worry and the control.
As I began to look at myself I soon began to see all the areas of my life that I was attempting to control but telling myself it was something else...........so today I work on that stuff in every area--my kids, my job, my husband my family my friends.
I'm not perfect I still have ALOT of work to do on me...example with my daughter ----Shes gonna be BROKE, It stresses me out that she can be anything she wants to be and she want to be a journalist.............( sorry to any journalist out here) BUT thats not what I wanted for her the pay is horrible and she will most likely struggle financially theres the chance that she could be the next Katie Couric or something but the odds are against that just like the odds of recovery arent always in the favor of the addict BUT IF they want it badly enough they will find their way my job now is to accept that its not always about what I want, think or feel that is best.
I'm learning to trust and let go and have faith, and allow others that I love to make their choices but at the same time learning that when their choices don't work for me and my life then its ME that has to change something.
Also like you, I am strong I argue my point I rock the boat........why? Is it because I am right or is it because I need and want things MY way, because somewhere inside me I feel like if "they" all just did it my way things would be perfect in the world and everyones live will turn out perfect?
Maybe that sounds a bit dramatic but you know the more I looked at myself and stopped looking to see what it was in my childhood, or what my husband was doing, or how I thought anyone and everyone should do things--- the more I could finally see that I have real issues that have nothing to do with drugs, my childrens futures or any one elses life. My issue was feeling like controlling all those things or having all those people turn out or be Great would make me happy or somehow fullfill me but it doesnt work like that........see its not about being labled ( at least it isnt to me) its about finally being able to step outside myself stop looking at others stop believing and acting on my feelings and dreams for others and look at me.......these are my issues I dont have to fit all things on a check list or come from a bad childhood and my issues didnt start with NOR will they end with my husbands recovery or drug use, my kids lives, the house the job the cars .......they all come down to me, and my feelings and reactions and behaviors. It has taken me a very long time to finally see this in myself
my co depend traits are well hidden from me and most everyone that knows me ........or so I thought until I began to see them for myself.
PSS spelling editing and such arent my thing I cant type as fast as i think and I dont have the patients to spell check so forgive the errors
my daughter went to study abroad last summer and it was very difficult for me..........even though I had finally adjusted to her being "away" at college the out of the country ~~so far from me was alot to deal with..........
Its things like that experience, these areas that I began to see just how co depend........I am.
To everyone else I was just a worried mom, to me because of all the work I had been doing on myself I was able really look at it for what it was --- for me its control.
I some how felt deep inside that I was out of control I couldnt get there fast enough or be there if she needed me.....she was beyond my reach I just knew she would be harmed or killed or need me somehow and I couldnt get there fast enough.......telling myself the entire time that "its because its dangerous in other countries" or "shes so far away" but as I looked at me and got honest with myself..........yes those things were true the world is dangerous and she was so far away..................BUT
I experienced those same feelings on her first plane ride without me...........as i stood at the window and watched the plane get higher and higher and become just a little dot I realized that little dot was carrying my daughter and she could be gone in the blink of an eye............I stood there and cried like a baby she was beyond my reach beyond my control.......
She made it fine and I lived thru it, just like I did when she went abroad for school.
I raised a smart strong independant young woman and I am learning to allow her to make her own choices, that means for me----letting go of the worry and the control.
As I began to look at myself I soon began to see all the areas of my life that I was attempting to control but telling myself it was something else...........so today I work on that stuff in every area--my kids, my job, my husband my family my friends.
I'm not perfect I still have ALOT of work to do on me...example with my daughter ----Shes gonna be BROKE, It stresses me out that she can be anything she wants to be and she want to be a journalist.............( sorry to any journalist out here) BUT thats not what I wanted for her the pay is horrible and she will most likely struggle financially theres the chance that she could be the next Katie Couric or something but the odds are against that just like the odds of recovery arent always in the favor of the addict BUT IF they want it badly enough they will find their way my job now is to accept that its not always about what I want, think or feel that is best.
I'm learning to trust and let go and have faith, and allow others that I love to make their choices but at the same time learning that when their choices don't work for me and my life then its ME that has to change something.
Also like you, I am strong I argue my point I rock the boat........why? Is it because I am right or is it because I need and want things MY way, because somewhere inside me I feel like if "they" all just did it my way things would be perfect in the world and everyones live will turn out perfect?
Maybe that sounds a bit dramatic but you know the more I looked at myself and stopped looking to see what it was in my childhood, or what my husband was doing, or how I thought anyone and everyone should do things--- the more I could finally see that I have real issues that have nothing to do with drugs, my childrens futures or any one elses life. My issue was feeling like controlling all those things or having all those people turn out or be Great would make me happy or somehow fullfill me but it doesnt work like that........see its not about being labled ( at least it isnt to me) its about finally being able to step outside myself stop looking at others stop believing and acting on my feelings and dreams for others and look at me.......these are my issues I dont have to fit all things on a check list or come from a bad childhood and my issues didnt start with NOR will they end with my husbands recovery or drug use, my kids lives, the house the job the cars .......they all come down to me, and my feelings and reactions and behaviors. It has taken me a very long time to finally see this in myself
my co depend traits are well hidden from me and most everyone that knows me ........or so I thought until I began to see them for myself.
PSS spelling editing and such arent my thing
I cant type as fast as i think and I dont have the patients to spell check so forgive the errors
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 267
I dont know how I missed the post that started all of this but I just read it and... just yesterday I posted about how upset, alone and pi$$'d off I was that it seems that even my mother sometimes doubts that my H is abusing or addicted to painpills. Cessy, you and I have spoke in the past about how our situations are different than the others on this board & yadda yadda. I just realized that we both feel that our situations are SOOO different but I am upset at my mom cuz it seems that she thinks that until my H has lost his job, stealing money or the addiction is much much worse that maybe my situation isnt bad enough for me to be considering leaving. You are the on the opposite of me, needing things to be that bad for YOU to be ready... not saying either of us is right or wrong just wondering how we could have both felt so attacked and that no one understood our unique situation on here yet our situations are so different from each other.
Again... please dont leave us Cessy.
Again... please dont leave us Cessy.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Originally Posted by liesagain
Maybe that sounds a bit dramatic but you know the more I looked at myself and stopped looking to see what it was in my childhood, or what my husband was doing, or how I thought anyone and everyone should do things--- the more I could finally see that I have real issues that have nothing to do with drugs, my childrens futures or any one elses life. My issue was feeling like controlling all those things or having all those people turn out or be Great would make me happy or somehow fullfill me but it doesnt work like that........see its not about being labled ( at least it isnt to me) its about finally being able to step outside myself stop looking at others stop believing and acting on my feelings and dreams for others and look at me.......these are my issues I dont have to fit all things on a check list or come from a bad childhood and my issues didnt start with NOR will they end with my husbands recovery or drug use, my kids lives, the house the job the cars .......they all come down to me, and my feelings and reactions and behaviors. It has taken me a very long time to finally see this in myself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by liesagain
To everyone else I was just a worried mom, to me because of all the work I had been doing on myself I was able really look at it for what it was --- for me its control.
I some how felt deep inside that I was out of control I couldnt get there fast enough or be there if she needed me.....she was beyond my reach I just knew she would be harmed or killed or need me somehow and I couldnt get there fast enough.......telling myself the entire time that "its because its dangerous in other countries" or "shes so far away" but as I looked at me and got honest with myself..........yes those things were true the world is dangerous and she was so far away..................BUT
I experienced those same feelings on her first plane ride without me...........as i stood at the window and watched the plane get higher and higher and become just a little dot I realized that little dot was carrying my daughter and she could be gone in the blink of an eye............I stood there and cried like a baby she was beyond my reach beyond my control.......
I some how felt deep inside that I was out of control I couldnt get there fast enough or be there if she needed me.....she was beyond my reach I just knew she would be harmed or killed or need me somehow and I couldnt get there fast enough.......telling myself the entire time that "its because its dangerous in other countries" or "shes so far away" but as I looked at me and got honest with myself..........yes those things were true the world is dangerous and she was so far away..................BUT
I experienced those same feelings on her first plane ride without me...........as i stood at the window and watched the plane get higher and higher and become just a little dot I realized that little dot was carrying my daughter and she could be gone in the blink of an eye............I stood there and cried like a baby she was beyond my reach beyond my control.......
oh my.................THis is exactly how I feel. Cried, and cried reading this, becuse I could have written it myself.
I'm mad that I feel out of control.
(which made me upset enough to write that last night).
Mad that this is me.
My heart is breaking, because I can't fix me fast enough. My heart is breaking , that as you say, "people think i'm being a worried mom", but in reality I know it's more than that. I KNOW she is ok. I know she is capable of doing this. It's about me. It's about the rug being ripped out from under my feet.
Just like with his addiction, nothing I can do. Nothing. I loathe my relationship-- but I don't want to make changes becasue I'm afraid of how I will 'feel'.
I never had these issues before. I'd up and move, quit a job without another, make rash decisions, stick by them, and work it out.
Somehow, someway, everything changed for me over the last couple years.
I've even decided today, to put my beautiful home on the market. Don't want to do this either.... but I must. It's my first step to taking back my life. The things that I'm holding on to, are the things that are dragging me down.
I made the wise choice to go back to school, and THAT is and must be my priority. It's now or never. With that being said, I have a much less paying job, and I have to do something.
So, Here is my thinking. If i'm NOT going back into 'business' mode, than I must cut expenses. Selling my home, (which i look at as stability), will actually set me free. I can purchase or rent something Much, much less expensive. Then I won't stress about money-- then I won't feel trapped in this relationship becasue of financial need. Then I will be able to only work 4 days a week and concentrate on school, so that when I graduate, I will have MY career, that I WANT. I will have my own sense of accomplishment, and purpose. My kids are all getting older and leaving for college. It's now or never for ME to get ME unstuck.
Thank you so much for what you wrote.
I literally could have wrote the same thing.
P.s. Just talked to my daughter online--- how amazing. She's having sangria, lives in a dorm where a woman who works there does all their laundry and cooks the homemade meals for them daily. She said students there are spoiled! lucky girl.
OH, and p.p.s.... NOT that I have ANY intention, of getting on a plane to europe, but, i am going to go get my passport tomorrow. Another way of trying to help ME. This way, (although I hate to fly and won't do it), I will at least know if there were ever a crisis, I 'could' realisitcally get on a plane and go, because I have a passport. Just a little more comfort in my mind. And who knows, maybe once I really find myself, I will actually use it someday.(and find myself in a little pub in ireland, like I've always dreamed of.)
THANK YOU ALL.
Couldn't be more appreciative if I tried.
Love,
Cess
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
I am soooooo glad you took the GIANT step about your house....Good for you. Sounds like you accomplished ALOT today on behalf of Cessy!!!!!! That is PROGRESS....and good progess at that. I am so happy for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Cessy, I have really appreciated what you and others have shared on this board. I have found this site to be a lifesaver. I fit all the definitions for a codie. I have codependent relatives, and an addict mother & father. For 7 years, my ABF abused pain pills & pot. For awhile, I thought it wasn't that bad. Then, I thought he was going a little over the top. For example, when his dad died, he took all of his dad's leftover morphine rather than flush it down the toilet. (Hospice was involved, and his dad died at home.) I saw that these behaviors were bad and damaging, but I pretended like things were o.k.
I was having lots of problems with depression/anxiety and going to counselors. They kept asking me about my relationship with my boyfriend, which annoyed me. I kept telling them that things were fine. I wasn't willing to admit to anybody, not even myself, that my bf had a problem. It took years for me to get to that point. When I found this site, it was in a search to find some way to "fix" him.
It is amazing how much I've learned from this site. I am much less involved in my RABF's life. Although, I still have a lot to learn about letting go. Each day is a new lesson for me.
The pain pill addiction is an awful thing. It is so easy to make excuses for it--since it's legal and prescribed and all. My RABF got really, really bad--even with no needles involved. He was lying to me, himself, the doctors, other people. He was breaking the law in order to obtain the drugs. He was doctor shopping, going to different pharmacies, buying online, trading with friends, etc. The law did become involved because of all his pharmacy hopping. (He got a legal notice.) He drove sometimes when he absolutely shouldn't have been driving.
I don't really have a point. (Yes, I have a tendency to go on and on.) I'm just saying that I can relate to the stuff that you post.
I was having lots of problems with depression/anxiety and going to counselors. They kept asking me about my relationship with my boyfriend, which annoyed me. I kept telling them that things were fine. I wasn't willing to admit to anybody, not even myself, that my bf had a problem. It took years for me to get to that point. When I found this site, it was in a search to find some way to "fix" him.
It is amazing how much I've learned from this site. I am much less involved in my RABF's life. Although, I still have a lot to learn about letting go. Each day is a new lesson for me.
The pain pill addiction is an awful thing. It is so easy to make excuses for it--since it's legal and prescribed and all. My RABF got really, really bad--even with no needles involved. He was lying to me, himself, the doctors, other people. He was breaking the law in order to obtain the drugs. He was doctor shopping, going to different pharmacies, buying online, trading with friends, etc. The law did become involved because of all his pharmacy hopping. (He got a legal notice.) He drove sometimes when he absolutely shouldn't have been driving.
I don't really have a point. (Yes, I have a tendency to go on and on.) I'm just saying that I can relate to the stuff that you post.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by cassandra2
I am soooooo glad you took the GIANT step about your house....Good for you. Sounds like you accomplished ALOT today on behalf of Cessy!!!!!! That is PROGRESS....and good progess at that. I am so happy for you.
And u... for being instrumental in that.
Thank you, for everything.
Love,
Me
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
My heart is breaking, because I can't fix me fast enough. My heart is breaking , that as you say, "people think i'm being a worried mom", but in reality I know it's more than that. I KNOW she is ok. I know she is capable of doing this. It's about me. It's about the rug being ripped out from under my feet.
thats the best thing Cessy, you DONT have to fix yourself fast.....baby steps thats all we can do sometimes. But today you took giant steps.........be proud of yourself really proud..........
I too took the same steps a few years back after relapse 2 or 3 and in the mist of a child custody case (to gain custody of his son) that reached the appeals court, my daughter leaving for college---- I made the decision that we had to sell our house I didnt want to do have that expense to worry about, plus I needed to be certain the dorm was paid for the year in advance (of course my only girl couldnt share a room--Needed-- the apt dorm) I make good money but not that kind of money........and she has full tuition scholarship but I had to let go of somethings to begin moving forward..........
It started with the house, then it went to letting go of his business eventually to "telling" the other side of his sons family ( I got to the place where I would not lie or cover or pretend anymore)
I should say that I have not left my husband, hes in treatment and has been for a long while --he's in a 10 month christian based program.
Today in addition to working on me.................him working on himself ---we are also working on us But it took me along time to get here.........almost 4 years now.
I am hopeful but also realistic and am becoming more and more prepared to remove him from my life if there is another relapse...........I've thought that, I've said that but never have I meant it felt it or accepted it.........today I do.
Letting go, detaching or moving forward even fixing and working on ourselves is tough stuff
we have setbacks and its painful but I truely believe that if we keep moving forward working on us.......eventually we will be okay with us regardless of outcomes.....
Glad you talked to your daughter......and yeah I had my passport too.........and put international calling on her phone so we could text ........
my daughter went to Spain and France. She had a great time and became more fluent in spanish which was her goal and reason for going........when I picked her up from the airport we went to dinner, she was so happy and excited -- she told me "mom i am so proud of myself I went to another country alone, not really speaking the language but I did it and i feel like I have grown so much"
It was worth it, she knew she could do it she just wanted and needed to prove it to herself..............
we can learn a few things from them I think..............we can do these things, these scary and foreign things we know we can sometimes we just need to prove it to ourselves.
Hang in there...........
thats the best thing Cessy, you DONT have to fix yourself fast.....baby steps thats all we can do sometimes. But today you took giant steps.........be proud of yourself really proud..........
I too took the same steps a few years back after relapse 2 or 3 and in the mist of a child custody case (to gain custody of his son) that reached the appeals court, my daughter leaving for college---- I made the decision that we had to sell our house I didnt want to do have that expense to worry about, plus I needed to be certain the dorm was paid for the year in advance (of course my only girl couldnt share a room--Needed-- the apt dorm) I make good money but not that kind of money........and she has full tuition scholarship but I had to let go of somethings to begin moving forward..........
It started with the house, then it went to letting go of his business eventually to "telling" the other side of his sons family ( I got to the place where I would not lie or cover or pretend anymore)
I should say that I have not left my husband, hes in treatment and has been for a long while --he's in a 10 month christian based program.
Today in addition to working on me.................him working on himself ---we are also working on us But it took me along time to get here.........almost 4 years now.
I am hopeful but also realistic and am becoming more and more prepared to remove him from my life if there is another relapse...........I've thought that, I've said that but never have I meant it felt it or accepted it.........today I do.
Letting go, detaching or moving forward even fixing and working on ourselves is tough stuff
we have setbacks and its painful but I truely believe that if we keep moving forward working on us.......eventually we will be okay with us regardless of outcomes.....
Glad you talked to your daughter......and yeah I had my passport too.........and put international calling on her phone so we could text ........
my daughter went to Spain and France. She had a great time and became more fluent in spanish which was her goal and reason for going........when I picked her up from the airport we went to dinner, she was so happy and excited -- she told me "mom i am so proud of myself I went to another country alone, not really speaking the language but I did it and i feel like I have grown so much"
It was worth it, she knew she could do it she just wanted and needed to prove it to herself..............
we can learn a few things from them I think..............we can do these things, these scary and foreign things we know we can sometimes we just need to prove it to ourselves.
Hang in there...........
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 456
I become confused the label and definition of a codependent. If my recovering ABF uses, I have no hesitation in kicking him out and calling the cops. None at all... As far as trying to control his behavior, I think my issue is trying to control MY behavior, and my reaction to things. I physically do the right thing by my addict. I don't aid him in anyway... but I tend to bottle a lot of my emotions and it become released with tremendous anxiety. Back to my point, it's not his life I am trying to control, but my own.
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