cmhcali

I have been posting on here a lot recently about my bf of 8 months. He supposdly has a year tomorrow but I think he is using but I am torn as I dont know if it is the truth. So I will put things he does that show he is sober and things that I question.

Good things
He goes to meetings
Has a sponsor he calls
Is doing step work
Is on a conference host committee for AA
speaks at meetings
has a year tomorrow

Not good
has appeared high
has had pinpoint pupils
had a bug bite looking mark a couple times where you would shoot up
goes to the bathroom alot but not for long periods


So where the signs tell me he is I cant figure it out so I feel I am waiting to find out...
says he is on halcion but i have never seen him take it

hello-kitty

This isn't about him. This is about you. How important is trust to you in a relationship?
Too often we focus all our attention on what someone else is doing as a measure of our happiness. If our happiness and satisfaction comes from within, then what HE is doing, shouldn't really matter because you can either take it or leave it.

Your relationship shouldn't be about his meetings or his sobriety. It should be about your values and whether he lives up to them. It should be about whether your needs are being fulfilled and whether you feel happy and loved.

Are these things ok - EVEN if he's not using??

Are you happy most of the time? Are you emotionally satisfied? Accept him for who he is, EXACTLY the way he is right now. Is it enough for you to live with, to be satisfied with - for the rest of your life? If not, then what are you still doing there?

cmhcali

The truth is he is an amazing person. AMAZING! He showers me with love, attention and makes me feel like I have never felt before. He opens the door, treats all my friends and family with respect. So it may all be in my head. My issues.

I come from a background of heavy drug abuse in my family which puts me in fear. I think that is the issue. I know how heroin changed my sister and still has its grips on her over 12 years later. My brother and nephew have been on the methadone clinic for 1 1/2 years. I think my fear is if he is using I know where his priority will be and I know I will be second. I know this I am a rcovering alcoholic. I live and breathe program. I have written fear inventory on it. I just need the wisdom to know what is right and to do it and I dont know right now!

But I know this site helps. It helped me with my sobriety! Something will click.

teke

can't tell you whether or not he's using but i do know all the trying to figure it out is kind of crazy making. maybe you would feel better if you stop trying figure out what he's doing or not doing and keep the focus on you. if he's using, in time you WILL know. addiction can't hide forever. they always told me "what goes on in the dark, will one day come to light". when you've had enough you will know it too.

try to stay in the day you are in and watch his actions and not too much his words. addicts are sometimes very clever when it comes to doing and saying whatever they think loved ones need to hear and see to keep them off their backs about using. i was always told to follow my gut feelings. i don't know but it kind of sounds like you're not sure you trust what he's telling you.

cmhcali

Thanks Teke. I needed to hear that. I will re-read when in doubt!

hello-kitty

You sound like a smart lady. I think when the time is right you will know.

sofacat

My AH went to a meeting after his relapse last week and got a white chip.... and he was on opiates when he did it. Came home with "pinned" pupils to boot! As far as I know, still talking with his sponsor too.

You just know, ya know?

I go with "the gut"....it's never failed me before, I have just always failed myself before.

cmhcali

Is he verbally, emotionally, mentally, physically abusive? NEVER nothing but loving

Does he lie? I have not caught him in a lie

Does he disappear for hours/days? Never days but he runs errands sometimes that I think are bizarre but that is just me

Does he turn his phone off for extended periods? Nope

Is mutual money unaccounted for? We dont have a mutual account
Does he pay his fair share of expenses? yeah
Does he do his fair share of home maintenance? More than me
Does he take care of his own business? Yes
Is he present and doing things with the family? Yes
Do you have fun together- go on dates, the movies, the park, shopping? Yeah we went to the museum last week
Does he make you laugh? Yes
Is he responsible? Not always but not in a bad way
Is he trustworthy? Usually

Those questions helped!

hello-kitty

Hi sweetie. You very nearly described a perfect relationship. Weird errands do not always equal a drug run. However, I know that for me, my mind always goes that direction because I am codependent. So I wonder.... could you possibly be a little codependent. And if so it sounds like maybe Alanon could be very helpful in your situation. Maybe it can help you figure out where your fears are coming from ~ where his issues end and yours begin so to speak. That may help you figure out what your next steps are.

Good luck. Keep reading and posting.

cmhcali

Thanks I am definitely codependent to the MAX! I have been thinking about Alanon but have not had time with 6 sponsees and meetings but I think I can find a way to squeeze it in as it would definitely be helpful given my family history

Suspicious

I just had a huge talk with my mother and I am feeling pretty miserable right now. I am really sorry that I am hijacking another's thread but...
She mentioned to me that she has at times been sure that H was 'on' something and then other times she is sure he cant be abusing pain pills. She has also questioned if he really does need them and if I am being unreasonable about him taking them. All things I have heard from H, his family and my own head. But I told her I am SURE in my gut that he is taking more than he admits to and that he hides and lies about it not so much because I am so freaked out about it but because he is an addict protecting his addiction. Then I get on here and read that if I am codependant that I cant always trust my gut. I am so confused and tired and scared and I am just ready to throw in the towel and just resign myself to just playing with the hand I was dealt. A few days ago my mom had asked me if I had thought of how my youngest (our only child together) is going to take it if I end the marriage. OF COURSE I have thought of it!!! This is the 2nd year I have separated out the X Mas decorations out that I consider mine and stored them at my Moms house so that I wont have to do that if I leave during hte middle of the year. I keep getting told that if it is so bad then I should leave. Well it isnt SO bad but I am convinced that it will get worse. I also know that as long as it isnt so bad if I leave before I am able to provide something stable in the way of a home and income that I would be very tempted to just come back home where it was easier. I dont want to do that as I feel that if I let it happen like that when it does finally get to the point that it is really bad and the pills are effecting our finances and traumatizing the kids that I will be too scared to try to leave even then. I know, poor... poor, pitiful me! I hear myself. I just REALLY hate feeling so alone and that is how I feel in this when if seems like EVERYONE has their doubts about whether I am right about the pills.

cmhcali

I know how you fel suspicious. I had my friend come to me a few minutes ago and told me that her sponsor (21 years sober) asked if my bf was sober because he seemed jammed all weekend. But he insists he just got a year is sober and going to meetings. I asked his good friend if he thought he was doing the right thing (friend has 8 years) and he said absolutely. I feel so stuck.... I was doing good working on me until I heard that and he wants me to give him his one year tonight and I feel I am lying by giving it to him but I dont know. Needed to post

Suspicious

i am sorry so torn about this. i have to ask tho, why do YOU have to give him the one year chip?

want2Bfree325

I just wanted to say regarding the 'bug bite' marks that my ABF has had marks on his arms that look like that but in reality they are track marks where he missed the vein. This looks red and raised from the skin and is hard like a bug bite if you touch it. The pinpoint pupils is another sign of use. I am dealing with a similar situation but I would say to you that my ABF would make it like he was on his medication (but really wasn't taking it) and I think he also 'faked' going to his meetings. I mean I can't tell you if he's using or not, but if he is you will find out eventually. I just wanted to share my experience in hopes that it may help you out along the way. Take Care

teke

i like to repeat what i said earlier, trying to figure it out can be crazy making. why not try to live in the day, meaning taking one day at a time for what it is. if he is using, you'll actually know sooner or later. his addiction will progressively get worse and sloppy if he's using.

i don't think you will be lying if you give him the chip unless you KNOW he's using, in that case, maybe you should think about declining. if he's using without your knowledge, then its HIM who's lying and not you.

if your gut feeling is that he is using, maybe you could set some boundaries for yourself, come up with a plan b, just is case he cross the set boundaries then do something to keep your mind occupied/ not allowing yourself to continue to focus on whether or not he's using. thats his busness. what are your plans if you find out that he's actually using? just something else for you to think about.

cmhcali

want2bfree did you ever see his medication he was taking. I have not seen my bf but after reading the bug bite marks are track marks I am taking action. He is at the military for the day so I will see him late tonight. I will not tolerate lying even if it is from a sick person. It is not living up to my ideal. I say this now but we will see how tonight goes. I know it sounds bad but I am going to ask to see his meds I have a feeling he will not have them as I have never seen him take them.

coffeedrinker

suspicious and cmhcali,

i have been having issues with "gut trusting" lately. i started seeing a therapist, in the the context of my relationship, and yesterday said, "as you know, there are trust issues. i am told to not bring up the past, but it has a direct connection to my mistrust. people have told me i will know if he's using or not, based on his behavior. well, he used off and on for a year and i did not know it, because he didn't seem "relasp-y" to me. how do i know if he's not just talking the talk, but he is actually walking the walk?" and his reply to me was "you don't".

i do think, though, that due to the progressive nature of the disease, if stuff is going on, it will only be a matter of time.

right now, my abf is not using the program correctly. but his outward behavior has been pretty outstanding. so, two questions: is his behavior something i can be around? and: are his values and mine in sync?
("barometers" others have also mentioned)

teke is so right, checking and confronting is SO exhausting, and crazy-making. and then, throw out the window any chance that - if you two are functioning as man and wife - he will relate to you as a lover, since you have turned into his mother/warden/cop

i say, try and get comfortable with not needing your answers this second, and time will probably reveal what needs to be revealed.

cmhcali

Thanks again I just met with a friend and I am ok. I am having fun and have more plans tonight with a friend of mine for dinner. I am going to keep walking forward and working on me and the truth will be revealed to me. I have trust in god