Wife of a pill addict

Old 01-06-2010, 09:02 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Karrie, you've recieved so much good advice. I want to respond specifically to one thing you said. You said something along the lines of should I just go about my business and let him go about his? the answer, in short is yes. You mention he wrecked while under the influence. What was his consequence? If you mentioned it I missed it. The addict in my life did not stop when I made him leave. He did not stop when every single member of his family put him out of the house because he would get drunk/high and do something stupid. He didn't stop when he went to jail. He didn't stop when I took him back. The addict has to find his bottom, and by "helping" we are often prolonging the addiction by staving off the consequences. Advice about your child. If he is using in the house (and if he;s using he's using in the house) you should probably leave, or find a way to get him out of the house. It took law enforcement to get mine to get out. He wouldn't go just because I told him to! The reasons have already been mentioned by others. Not with the intention that this will finally fix him, but with the intention of protecting your child. WE have to find our bottom, too. We have to finally get to the place where we won't take anymore, where we realize that this is beyond our ability to control. ALL you can contol, the ONLY thing you can change is you. It's so hard, I know, but you aren't his warden. You aren't his mother. I will be thinking of you...
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Old 01-06-2010, 09:43 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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My brother entered a program that required him to drug test regularly. He got thrown out after months of testing negative when they figured out he was cheating the test the entire time. He was using both suboxone and oxy during that period. He got a kick out of outsmarting the doctors.

Kentucky and Connecticut sued Purdue, the makers of Oxy and won - they admitted to lying about the addictive properties of the drug, and marketing it as less addictive than other pain killers*. It is absolutely not. I say this only to make it clear that I don't believe anyone when they say they will quit on their own or that they can control their use. With this drug, most abusers are also addicts or will become addicts very quickly. Unfortunately, once they are in the thralls of it only their own strength will bring them through it. They get themselves there, they have to get themselves out.
(That being said - we practically dragged my brother to rehab, knowing he was just days away from killing himself. Not sure if we saved his life or just prolonged the agony. But he's sober today and in a better place to make that choice for himself.)

My conclusion is that we have to find help for ourselves, if for no other reason that to shore ourselves up for both the best and the worst that may come. If my brother now decides to kill himself with drugs, I want to be in a place where I can physically, mentally and emotionally accept that choice without it destroying me too.

* I do discern between people prescribed this drug who become addicted and people that purposely take it without every having a prescription. There are victims out there who become addicted to this legally prescribe substance but there are plenty that take it recreationally and think they are too tough to become hooked.
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Old 01-06-2010, 10:58 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Karrie
you have received alot of good advice here and I know it all feels like to much to take in

One thing you mentioned and I wanted to address is ....

feel that he may never stop. If I stand by and do nothing, but take care of me.
Isn't there something that gives every addict a reason to want to stop or at least that gets them thinking about trying to stop or that gets them to even think about wether they have a prob. or not?


yes there is somethig we can do and thats not to sit back and watch it happen and do nothing

what you can do is start with beginning to look at you, your life and what you want for you and your child

determine what you will and will not accept

set your boundaries -- what you are willing to do to enforce those boundaries

you tell him and you allow him to make his own decisions

BUT its really important to say what you mean and stick to it...........if you say one more time and your out......then you dont stick to it he "learns" that you will continue to tolerate the addiction and there is no reason for him to stop, why stop he has his home you his child food a warm bed and someone to bail him out of jail.........these are the ways we enable the addiction we cant make them stop but we can make it to easy for them to continue to use, but we can also make the changes in our lives based on what we are willing to tolerate thats where boundaries come in.

for each of us our boundaries are different--and for me they have changed alot over time, some of us may not be ready or willing to ask the addict in their life to leave so they dont set that boundary.........some ask them to leave each person has their own path-- its your life that is involved not just his

you have choices but what i think everyone is trying to express to you is that your choices even though they "could" provoke him to get into treatment and maybe get clean

getting and staying clean will be up to him.........you cant make him want it and you can't fix this for him.

its really about what you want in your life, not what you want for him or for his life
you can only change you, you cant change him he must do that but you dont have to sit back and watch it happen, and you dont have to enable him...........

enabling and "helping" or being supportive can be really confusing for those of us who love an addict............

It is my opinion that if you decide that you want him to complete detox and follow that up with a program of recovery and you make that a boundary that is certainly an option
............the tricky part is where you have to determine if your doing it for him or for you.

Boundaries are used to make your life better ---in a perfect world putting our foot down and making consequences and demands, or watching and drug testing would make them stop but sadly nothing we can do will make them stop that decision is up to them.

Stick around read the sticky posts learn all that you can about addiction and families
alanon and family groups are helpful.

You aren't alone theres alot of support here.
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