"I'm Fine"
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Okay, so I see your quick 2nd post and I totally feel your frustration. I started to think about it...and maybe I can share some things with you. I can't fix anything, but I sure as hell can share.
First off, let me start my congratulating you on your beautiful healthy baby. I myself do not have any children, and at times wish I had a little buddy to share my life with. That child is also your only priority besides yourself. Your husband is active in his addiction, and while he's using...he's not available.
I'm not sure of the habits of your AH, but mine gets extremely careless when he's on opiates and just doesn't think before he acts. He's vacant and not "here". Nothing sticks in his brain, and that can be dangerous. Our pets have been in jeopardy because of this and one ended up in the ER because he gave her the wrong medication one night. Now I am talking about pets, and though they are my babies...their not a baby. If you feel like this scenario may apply to you, well I would take that child and go to a friend or family's house until you can find a safe place of your own.
Not to mention that drug dealers know where I live. Not good. Not safe. Do they know where you and your child live?
Now you mentioned you didn't know he was an addict until you married Him. Some of us did know. The fact is you are here and faced with the addiction of the man you love. It's tough. Real tough. But it is what it is. You have choices.
Now here's the tricky part...and where "crazy making" happens.......There is a saying....
Q: "How do you know an addict is lying? A: "His lips are moving."
You will try every tactic in the book to try and get him to come "clean" that he has a problem, and I promise you...He will guard that secret of His without consequence until He is ready to get help. He will beat you down emotionally and try to make you think that you're the one with the problem. He might even threaten to leave you because He "just can't live like this". You will question yourself, you will go over it in your head a thousand times over and start to doubt yourself. There is one thing I am sure of...if he's using, he is lying. It's exhausting. Try not to get caught up in the "Who's right and who's wrong" dance. He won't get help until He wants it.
You wonder how someone you love so much that loves you back can lie to you, and hurt you, and betray you like this? Right? It's because he is so deep in the throws of His own hell, he can't see anything but the drugs. That's it. It's hard not to take that personal.
But over time, and with support...you will learn how.
If you read some of the posts of the RA's on here ( and some A's ) you will notice that they are taking about themselves, and in F&F...We "codies" are talking about them. That's how it goes.
My AH just relapsed a few days ago. He had been sober 103 days...and then fell. I have been going through this with Him for 10 years now, and in 2009 I just learned that I am completely powerless over His disease. That's the hard part. We women are designed to nurture and it goes against everything we know to do. But you can't love them into sobriety. If we could, none of us would be here.
The only thing you can do right now is ask yourself what you will not tolerate in your life and your child's life. Not what "He" needs...but what you need.
It had been a long time since I asked myself that question, and when it came time for Me to have to write it down...I admit it stumped Me a little. No, alot. So I established some boundaries for myself...and I actually followed through with them. I made the decision not to enable this man anymore. I was helping him dig his own grave.
It was tough, but it had to be done.
This is a tough time to try and figure out what you need for yourself with him around.
Keep coming back here and reading. The Stickies are very helpful.Things will get clearer if you want to "see" better.
I understand what you are going through. He is sick, and only He can find His way out. You need to take some time to heal yourself.
Don't doubt yourself, find resolve and know that you are definitely not alone.
OH...PS~ I learned this when He got home from his first detox last January. Seems like he had been on pills so long, I didn't realize what his eyes actually looked like. My AH has green eyes and when He came home clean...His pupils were larger. When they are high on opiates their pupils will remain very small even in dark rooms. They call it "pinned". Not like I am encouraging you to have an "aha! I caught you!" moment with your AH...unless you feel like being lied to- but it does help give you a little clarity on whether He is sober or not when you are talking to Him.
First off, let me start my congratulating you on your beautiful healthy baby. I myself do not have any children, and at times wish I had a little buddy to share my life with. That child is also your only priority besides yourself. Your husband is active in his addiction, and while he's using...he's not available.
I'm not sure of the habits of your AH, but mine gets extremely careless when he's on opiates and just doesn't think before he acts. He's vacant and not "here". Nothing sticks in his brain, and that can be dangerous. Our pets have been in jeopardy because of this and one ended up in the ER because he gave her the wrong medication one night. Now I am talking about pets, and though they are my babies...their not a baby. If you feel like this scenario may apply to you, well I would take that child and go to a friend or family's house until you can find a safe place of your own.
Not to mention that drug dealers know where I live. Not good. Not safe. Do they know where you and your child live?
Now you mentioned you didn't know he was an addict until you married Him. Some of us did know. The fact is you are here and faced with the addiction of the man you love. It's tough. Real tough. But it is what it is. You have choices.
Now here's the tricky part...and where "crazy making" happens.......There is a saying....
Q: "How do you know an addict is lying? A: "His lips are moving."
You will try every tactic in the book to try and get him to come "clean" that he has a problem, and I promise you...He will guard that secret of His without consequence until He is ready to get help. He will beat you down emotionally and try to make you think that you're the one with the problem. He might even threaten to leave you because He "just can't live like this". You will question yourself, you will go over it in your head a thousand times over and start to doubt yourself. There is one thing I am sure of...if he's using, he is lying. It's exhausting. Try not to get caught up in the "Who's right and who's wrong" dance. He won't get help until He wants it.
You wonder how someone you love so much that loves you back can lie to you, and hurt you, and betray you like this? Right? It's because he is so deep in the throws of His own hell, he can't see anything but the drugs. That's it. It's hard not to take that personal.
But over time, and with support...you will learn how.
If you read some of the posts of the RA's on here ( and some A's ) you will notice that they are taking about themselves, and in F&F...We "codies" are talking about them. That's how it goes.
My AH just relapsed a few days ago. He had been sober 103 days...and then fell. I have been going through this with Him for 10 years now, and in 2009 I just learned that I am completely powerless over His disease. That's the hard part. We women are designed to nurture and it goes against everything we know to do. But you can't love them into sobriety. If we could, none of us would be here.
The only thing you can do right now is ask yourself what you will not tolerate in your life and your child's life. Not what "He" needs...but what you need.
It had been a long time since I asked myself that question, and when it came time for Me to have to write it down...I admit it stumped Me a little. No, alot. So I established some boundaries for myself...and I actually followed through with them. I made the decision not to enable this man anymore. I was helping him dig his own grave.
It was tough, but it had to be done.
This is a tough time to try and figure out what you need for yourself with him around.
Keep coming back here and reading. The Stickies are very helpful.Things will get clearer if you want to "see" better.
I understand what you are going through. He is sick, and only He can find His way out. You need to take some time to heal yourself.
Don't doubt yourself, find resolve and know that you are definitely not alone.
OH...PS~ I learned this when He got home from his first detox last January. Seems like he had been on pills so long, I didn't realize what his eyes actually looked like. My AH has green eyes and when He came home clean...His pupils were larger. When they are high on opiates their pupils will remain very small even in dark rooms. They call it "pinned". Not like I am encouraging you to have an "aha! I caught you!" moment with your AH...unless you feel like being lied to- but it does help give you a little clarity on whether He is sober or not when you are talking to Him.
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