Detoxing
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Detoxing
Well, I woke up this morning with a hole the size of Texas in my stomach. Stayed on here most of the night until I finally found myself too exhausted to read anymore. Fell asleep to the sounds of fireworks outside. I kept to my plan, and didn't watch any of the "balls" drop last night & NO "Auld Lang Syne" either. It worked, but I still cried myself to sleep last night.
My AH never cheated on Me with other women, just his mistress "the opiate". It feels as if He left me for the other woman, and I feel very sad today. I'm also feeling terrified that he will OD. I love this man very much, he is good to Me, just bad to himself. It's depressing right now.
I have a lot of work to do, and that should keep me pretty busy and productive on this first day of the 10's. Great way to start the year, though I am finding myself researching things about Opiates and relapse in between. Admittedly checking his FB page for any activity too! (((codie alert))) I feel like Alice who just went down the "Rabbit Hole". My head is still reeling.
I know I should feel proud of myself for sticking to the boundaries...and I am, it's just so "quiet" right now.
I didn't expect to spend the first day of the New Year without him, but looking back to one year ago today (exactly) I was alone then too. He checked himself into Detox exactly one year ago today. Gone for one week. Funny, back then We thought "that should do it" and He came back happy and clear. But without a Program. How much We have learned in one year.
10 years ago today, We were much more ignorant to the depths of opiates and recovery, so for that I am thankful that my head is where it is today.
Though I am finding myself "waiting"...waiting for the phone call that He is reaching out. But I know he has money in his account and won't stop until the money is gone. That's how it works. I just pray that He doesn't die.
I have been given the gift of a rainy day today. Rain is my favorite thing. Keeps Me calm and the sound and smell is so therapeutic. Perfect first day of the New Year with a few exceptions. Helps with the "quiet" part.
I am now faced with being alone (again) and working on Me. I am okay with this, but I tend to have bouts of panic that creep on Me. I am trying to find the "faith that everyone speaks of, but it is challenging when my "gut" tells Me otherwise. Still workin' on it.
I have never had a problem with keeping myself busy. I am a bit of a workaholic ( I love what I do ) and I can keep myself pretty productive. The F'd up thing is, I have one week off from work. LOL!! So I have that going for Me! I am just so sad right now. God smacked, if you will! And I'm trying not to over-caffeinate! Coffee taste so good on a rainy day!
I am holding onto some anger at his parents right now. For years they have always let Me know how thankful they are to have Me in their Son's life. They have always encouraged Me to tell them everything and that I will not have to "go it alone". When my AH went into rehab back in September, they were very angry with their Son and at themselves that they didn't believe Me when I told them their Son was in a bad place. I was kind, but candid in my approach and was keeping my word to let then in if things got bad. But they let their addict Son convince them otherwise. Since then, they have assured Me that will never happen again. Well it did. I haven't received an e mail or phone call from them since he left. Once again, they turned their back on Me. I know they are hurting too, but family sticks together, right? Especially when times get tough. I need to let go of my anger towards them. But I feel abandoned, ((I do know where that comes from-that's a step! Thanks Dad!))
I guess I am just detoxing too.
My AH never cheated on Me with other women, just his mistress "the opiate". It feels as if He left me for the other woman, and I feel very sad today. I'm also feeling terrified that he will OD. I love this man very much, he is good to Me, just bad to himself. It's depressing right now.
I have a lot of work to do, and that should keep me pretty busy and productive on this first day of the 10's. Great way to start the year, though I am finding myself researching things about Opiates and relapse in between. Admittedly checking his FB page for any activity too! (((codie alert))) I feel like Alice who just went down the "Rabbit Hole". My head is still reeling.
I know I should feel proud of myself for sticking to the boundaries...and I am, it's just so "quiet" right now.
I didn't expect to spend the first day of the New Year without him, but looking back to one year ago today (exactly) I was alone then too. He checked himself into Detox exactly one year ago today. Gone for one week. Funny, back then We thought "that should do it" and He came back happy and clear. But without a Program. How much We have learned in one year.
10 years ago today, We were much more ignorant to the depths of opiates and recovery, so for that I am thankful that my head is where it is today.
Though I am finding myself "waiting"...waiting for the phone call that He is reaching out. But I know he has money in his account and won't stop until the money is gone. That's how it works. I just pray that He doesn't die.
I have been given the gift of a rainy day today. Rain is my favorite thing. Keeps Me calm and the sound and smell is so therapeutic. Perfect first day of the New Year with a few exceptions. Helps with the "quiet" part.
I am now faced with being alone (again) and working on Me. I am okay with this, but I tend to have bouts of panic that creep on Me. I am trying to find the "faith that everyone speaks of, but it is challenging when my "gut" tells Me otherwise. Still workin' on it.
I have never had a problem with keeping myself busy. I am a bit of a workaholic ( I love what I do ) and I can keep myself pretty productive. The F'd up thing is, I have one week off from work. LOL!! So I have that going for Me! I am just so sad right now. God smacked, if you will! And I'm trying not to over-caffeinate! Coffee taste so good on a rainy day!
I am holding onto some anger at his parents right now. For years they have always let Me know how thankful they are to have Me in their Son's life. They have always encouraged Me to tell them everything and that I will not have to "go it alone". When my AH went into rehab back in September, they were very angry with their Son and at themselves that they didn't believe Me when I told them their Son was in a bad place. I was kind, but candid in my approach and was keeping my word to let then in if things got bad. But they let their addict Son convince them otherwise. Since then, they have assured Me that will never happen again. Well it did. I haven't received an e mail or phone call from them since he left. Once again, they turned their back on Me. I know they are hurting too, but family sticks together, right? Especially when times get tough. I need to let go of my anger towards them. But I feel abandoned, ((I do know where that comes from-that's a step! Thanks Dad!))
I guess I am just detoxing too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 136
Hi
I just wanted to let you know I know exactly how you feel...I myself feel abandoned sometimes too, but it is getting better everyday. I feel myself getting stronger everyday. I was alone on New Years Eve, but was glad I was not with him at least.
Today is the first time since I asked by ABF to leave 4 weeks ago that I actually feel in my heart that I do not want to be around him or have him in my life anymore. I'm thankful to have that feeling finally.
I just wanted to let you know I know exactly how you feel...I myself feel abandoned sometimes too, but it is getting better everyday. I feel myself getting stronger everyday. I was alone on New Years Eve, but was glad I was not with him at least.
Today is the first time since I asked by ABF to leave 4 weeks ago that I actually feel in my heart that I do not want to be around him or have him in my life anymore. I'm thankful to have that feeling finally.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I know how you feel Sofa - the only good thing is that 2010 doesn't have to be more of the same. It sounds like there are several on here as well as FFAA that are starting the new year fresh, without addiction in it. You've been @ this long enough to know that what you haven't done thus far hasn't helped. Maybe we should start a detox thread of our own!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I'm game for a new detoxing thread as well. He's still here, for now, but haven't seen him all day. For once I'm holding my own and not power calling/texting him to find out where he's @, what he's doing, when he'll be home. My plan is to avoid him as much as I can for the next several days. I'll also stay away from engaging with his family as much as I can.
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