Trying to come up with the best plan
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Trying to come up with the best plan
Well, this morning came and went and my relapsed husband started a huge fight as we were leaving to go to his detox. He wound up leaving. He called back 30 minutes later to say he messed up and he was ready to go, but it was too late. The clinic is an hour away and because of the holiday they only had one person there to administer meds and she was leaving at 11. We called to say we would be a little late and they told us the NP would be gone before we could actually get there. So, he missed his opportunity until next week and in my opinion that was his intention all along.
I'm sick to my stomach over this. We have a 21 month old little boy who should not be around this kind of behavior. He saw the whole argument and watched his dad run over a table saw in order to get out of the driveway since there were cars behind his.
It broke my heart because he was crying for his daddy. My little boy has never seen this side of my husband and what kills me now is that my child will likely grow up to become a co-dependent like the rest of us or without a dad because he will be in jail or dead. Thinking of how these actions will shape my son for the rest of his life is what sends me into tears.
I know that I need to do the right thing for my child at this point because his father can't see what he is doing. I told him that and he said I was right, but that the house is as much his as it is mine and he isn't leaving. So, one minute my head is saying to go get a place and the next I can't bring myself to do it. My husband doesn't have any drugs in the house and hasn't physically done anything to me so calling the police to have his removed probably won't do anything. Or is there an option?
So, I'm sitting here pissed right now. I have to uproot my son over this. Leave the only house he knows. Leave my parents that live right next door. Leave my 2 dogs that were my babies before I had my son. All so that my AH can win this stubbornness war. I'm really confused and angry right now and with everything inside of me I hate what his addiction has done to our family.
I'm sick to my stomach over this. We have a 21 month old little boy who should not be around this kind of behavior. He saw the whole argument and watched his dad run over a table saw in order to get out of the driveway since there were cars behind his.
It broke my heart because he was crying for his daddy. My little boy has never seen this side of my husband and what kills me now is that my child will likely grow up to become a co-dependent like the rest of us or without a dad because he will be in jail or dead. Thinking of how these actions will shape my son for the rest of his life is what sends me into tears.
I know that I need to do the right thing for my child at this point because his father can't see what he is doing. I told him that and he said I was right, but that the house is as much his as it is mine and he isn't leaving. So, one minute my head is saying to go get a place and the next I can't bring myself to do it. My husband doesn't have any drugs in the house and hasn't physically done anything to me so calling the police to have his removed probably won't do anything. Or is there an option?
So, I'm sitting here pissed right now. I have to uproot my son over this. Leave the only house he knows. Leave my parents that live right next door. Leave my 2 dogs that were my babies before I had my son. All so that my AH can win this stubbornness war. I'm really confused and angry right now and with everything inside of me I hate what his addiction has done to our family.
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Originally Posted by aah1977 
the clinic is an hour away and because of the holiday they only had one person there to administer meds and she was leaving at 11.
really? No one there to admit him tomorrow even? People are in crisis and the facility keeps hours like that - unbelieveable.
we have a 21 month old little boy who should not be around this kind of behavior.
of course he shouldn't. I think that relatively small incidents don't leave scars. When these behaviors occur often, or one is so severe, that's when trauma happens, imo. What i'm saying, is that little guy has had almost two years of good, solid nurturing. Yes, be concerned for his welfare. But know that you can turn this circumstance that he witnessed around.
my little boy has never seen this side of my husband and what kills me now is that my child will likely grow up to become a co-dependent....
another opinion, but your son will grow up co-dependent with or without your husband being an active addict. Even if his addiction is in arrest, this possibility is still quite high, cuz the dynamics are already in place. But your awareness at his young age plays in your favor. Start giving him the tools to grow up healthy and sane right now today!
i know that i need to do the right thing for my child at this point because his father can't see what he is doing. I told him that and he said i was right
it sounds like your husband keeps flipping the switch on his behavior/attitude. When he is agreeable and calm, and admitting (like you said, he said "you're right" to you) is this a time you can ask him that, if he sees "you are right, honey, this isn't ok and i'm a mess" grab him at that moment and ask him to agree to leave the house.......? I know it sounds easier than it is, and actually - i know it doesn't even sound easy, cuz i know the nature of this beast, as you do. Just may be worth a try. Then you can change the locks.
Parents next door? Are you planning to stay with them til he gets his head out of his a** and checks into the rehab?
really? No one there to admit him tomorrow even? People are in crisis and the facility keeps hours like that - unbelieveable.
we have a 21 month old little boy who should not be around this kind of behavior.
of course he shouldn't. I think that relatively small incidents don't leave scars. When these behaviors occur often, or one is so severe, that's when trauma happens, imo. What i'm saying, is that little guy has had almost two years of good, solid nurturing. Yes, be concerned for his welfare. But know that you can turn this circumstance that he witnessed around.
my little boy has never seen this side of my husband and what kills me now is that my child will likely grow up to become a co-dependent....
another opinion, but your son will grow up co-dependent with or without your husband being an active addict. Even if his addiction is in arrest, this possibility is still quite high, cuz the dynamics are already in place. But your awareness at his young age plays in your favor. Start giving him the tools to grow up healthy and sane right now today!
i know that i need to do the right thing for my child at this point because his father can't see what he is doing. I told him that and he said i was right
it sounds like your husband keeps flipping the switch on his behavior/attitude. When he is agreeable and calm, and admitting (like you said, he said "you're right" to you) is this a time you can ask him that, if he sees "you are right, honey, this isn't ok and i'm a mess" grab him at that moment and ask him to agree to leave the house.......? I know it sounds easier than it is, and actually - i know it doesn't even sound easy, cuz i know the nature of this beast, as you do. Just may be worth a try. Then you can change the locks.
Parents next door? Are you planning to stay with them til he gets his head out of his a** and checks into the rehab?
c
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We codependents share many attributes with addicts, including not dealing as well as we could with life as is, instead of how we want it to be.
Your 21 month old is not likely to remember wittnessing this one off incident. Your 21 month old most definitely does not care about where he lives.
Your son is probably more likely to learn copdependency, at your knees, than he will, due to a father being in prison or dead, if it comes to that.
Why not send him home to his parents and be done with it, for now.
Give yourself some time and space to develop the best action plan for you and your son.
Your 21 month old is not likely to remember wittnessing this one off incident. Your 21 month old most definitely does not care about where he lives.
Your son is probably more likely to learn copdependency, at your knees, than he will, due to a father being in prison or dead, if it comes to that.
Why not send him home to his parents and be done with it, for now.
Give yourself some time and space to develop the best action plan for you and your son.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
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Are you 100% sure there are no drugs in your home? I thought that too...until I found them. Very creative hiding places. Since you two share a home you can and will be liable and carted off to jail on constructive possession. (Been there done that! Surprise) I am not kidding. Perhaps you have a friend or family member you can go stay with temporarily? It would be for your and your child's safety. Erratic violent outbursts are part of the addict person they become. Do you feel safe? Do you have an exit plan? I know this sounds extreme but in reality it's reality. I can't tell you the physical damage my now deceased ABF did to my car. Broken windshields, knives through tires, punched out rear windows, broken tie rods, dents, scratches. It's not worth the risk. Yet, you know him best and want to see things in the best light possible, I understand that. But for your safety, could you do this from a distance?
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(((Aah))) ((Outtolunch)) is right...your son's dad being in prison won't make him a codie...as long as he has one strong parent. My niece, Brit, has been raised by my passive dad and my codie-to-the-extreme stepmom since her mom died..her dad has been in prison/jail most of her life. However, since I moved back home, started working on MY codie issues (thanks to the great people here), and built up a relationship with Brit, she has picked up on MY behaviors and I've seen a huge change in her.
As far as him saying he won't leave, you can still set boundaries. If he is using or under the influence, you DON'T have to let him in the house - tell him you will call the cops; if he is arguing, upsetting your son, point it out and tell him to leave, now. No, he may NOT have to leave, permanently (I don't know about the laws, but I would be checking with a lawyer to find out), but you can tell him that you and your son don't have to put up with his behavior...go find somewhere else to throw a fit. Most A's will leave, rather than face the threat of the police coming to the house. He doesn't HAVE to hit you to call the police...verbal abuse is abuse, as far as I know.
((Insulated)) is also correct...we A's are VERY creative at finding hiding spots...I wouldn't let him take my son in a car anywhere. I just had a friend/coworker locked up when he was pulled over for a busted tail light and they found a crack pipe in his car. Sorry, but I wouldn't trust him....not when it came to my child.
I'm sorry you are going through this, and I do believe he intentionally messed up the detox appt. Doesn't sound, to me, like he's ready and there's no way you, or anyone else, can make him get to that point. You CAN, however, let him face consequences for his actions...it's those darned consequences that got ME into recovery.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
As far as him saying he won't leave, you can still set boundaries. If he is using or under the influence, you DON'T have to let him in the house - tell him you will call the cops; if he is arguing, upsetting your son, point it out and tell him to leave, now. No, he may NOT have to leave, permanently (I don't know about the laws, but I would be checking with a lawyer to find out), but you can tell him that you and your son don't have to put up with his behavior...go find somewhere else to throw a fit. Most A's will leave, rather than face the threat of the police coming to the house. He doesn't HAVE to hit you to call the police...verbal abuse is abuse, as far as I know.
((Insulated)) is also correct...we A's are VERY creative at finding hiding spots...I wouldn't let him take my son in a car anywhere. I just had a friend/coworker locked up when he was pulled over for a busted tail light and they found a crack pipe in his car. Sorry, but I wouldn't trust him....not when it came to my child.
I'm sorry you are going through this, and I do believe he intentionally messed up the detox appt. Doesn't sound, to me, like he's ready and there's no way you, or anyone else, can make him get to that point. You CAN, however, let him face consequences for his actions...it's those darned consequences that got ME into recovery.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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The clinic he was going to is an outpatient place. I'm shocked by them closing, too. His first detox took place exactly a year ago and he even went on Christmas Eve (that was his last day before leaving for in-patient treatment center the day after Christmas). I guess since they are private and all out-patient they scheduled things around it. They can take him Monday, but I have serious doubts he will go.
He did call while I was out earlier and said he would go stay with his parents. In the course of the conversation however that changed. He doesn't see why he can't stay in his own house. I went to look at a new apartment complex that was close to the interstate and my son's day care, but low and behold it was subsidized and I make too much money! Yes, my mom and dad live next door, but honestly I'm not certain going there would do any good. He would just come there crying I'm sure. It would make things easy for me as far as taking care of my dogs, but I just don't think it is feasible.
I just feel so incredibly scared right now.
This may very well sound extremely insensitive, but all day I kept thinking it would be better if he just pushed himself over the edge and killed himself. I kind of feel like someone that has a terminally ill loved one and you get to the point to where you know that when they die they will be at peace. I've had moments where I thought that today. How sick is that?
He did call while I was out earlier and said he would go stay with his parents. In the course of the conversation however that changed. He doesn't see why he can't stay in his own house. I went to look at a new apartment complex that was close to the interstate and my son's day care, but low and behold it was subsidized and I make too much money! Yes, my mom and dad live next door, but honestly I'm not certain going there would do any good. He would just come there crying I'm sure. It would make things easy for me as far as taking care of my dogs, but I just don't think it is feasible.
I just feel so incredibly scared right now.
This may very well sound extremely insensitive, but all day I kept thinking it would be better if he just pushed himself over the edge and killed himself. I kind of feel like someone that has a terminally ill loved one and you get to the point to where you know that when they die they will be at peace. I've had moments where I thought that today. How sick is that?
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Oh, and my family doesn't know yet that he relapsed. I don't want to tell them until I have a concrete plan because once they know they will not accept anything other than me leaving-they won't want to hear about detoxing, rehab nothing. Last year they said they would keep him at arms length and if he did it again he was totally out of their lives. I really want to be able to say "this is the situation and this is what I'm doing about it" before I tell them.
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Originally Posted by aah1977
My little boy has never seen this side of my husband and what kills me now is that my child will likely grow up to become a co-dependent like the rest of us or without a dad because he will be in jail or dead.........
, and almost all of my close friends. What I'd like you to know is that I don't for one minute regret leaving my ex. It was the right thing to do for my son and for me. Today my son is 21. He is not a codie, he is not dysfunctional like his dad still is, he is leading a productive, healthy life. He understands his dad has problems but chooses to keep his distance. I am proud of him and how, at 21, he is sooooo much healthier, mature, and well-adjusted than I was at his age. And this happened without his father around. I'm not trying to convince you to leave - that is a choice you will have to make - just wanted you to know that if you take care of yourself and your son, make good choices for both of you, put your focus on what's best for your futures....he will grow up with your love and support...and that's what's most important.
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Originally Posted by aah1977
This may very well sound extremely insensitive, but all day I kept thinking it would be better if he just pushed himself over the edge and killed himself. I kind of feel like someone that has a terminally ill loved one and you get to the point to where you know that when they die they will be at peace. I've had moments where I thought that today. How sick is that?
Not sick, just at the end of your rope. Desperate people do and think some extreme things. I too have had those exact thoughts. Be gentle with yourself.
I don't know if you can do "no contact" at this moment, but if you cannot, I would be holding that net over his head for the very next time he says he WILL leave and go to his parents' house. Him even asking why is just him trying to engage you.
Here is something I just thought of:
If he is stoned, I believe you should be able to call for an ambulance and they will pick him up and take him to detox. I guess I'd call first to know what the procedure or the parameters are, but keep that one in your back pocket. When I called a hospital once and they told me to do this, I said "I think he'll go willingly; I dont want my daughter to witness this kind of drama" and the ER nurse said "maybe better that than having a person using drugs in her home."
grateful rca
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lots of great suggestions above. don't have much to add but i will say that whatever ever you decide to do for now, don't have to be forever, unless you choose it to be.
i'm a recovering addict and it took for my family to walk away from me before i could see that i needed to seek help for myself. i agree that it sounds like your a is not ready yet and it does sound like he purposely missed his appointment.
i pray the strength for you to do whatever it is you have to do to protect yourself and your child from his addiction.
i'm a recovering addict and it took for my family to walk away from me before i could see that i needed to seek help for myself. i agree that it sounds like your a is not ready yet and it does sound like he purposely missed his appointment.
i pray the strength for you to do whatever it is you have to do to protect yourself and your child from his addiction.
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I just got home from one of our friend's son's first birthday party and I can try and sleep peacefully because my husband has gone to stay at his parents through Monday. They were able to get prescriptions from the NP at the detox facility and protocol on what to do for him. His parents are going to see him through it and I hope with everything inside of me that it works and we can get him clean for his naltraxone implant next week. I can't worry about him though. He is going to do what he wants and if this doesn't work and he ends up in jail (if he tries to leave while going through the detox his parents are firm they will call the cops) I will be moving out. I am nervous about the next few nights and whether he will sneak out of their house and show up here.
I put on a happy face for all our friends tonight and when asked where he was I just said this was his weekend on-call(which was true he was, but got a note from his dr saying he needed out of work until 1/5). Last year when he went to rehab people that know us were SHOCKED. They would have never guessed that was going on in our household. This would shock our friends just as much because to be around him you would never know. We've had several invites to New Years events and I've had to make up this reason or that reason for not coming. I may ask my parents to keep the baby over night and I'll go to a friend's house for the night. I just can't bare another New Year's Eve alone with my thoughts.
I put on a happy face for all our friends tonight and when asked where he was I just said this was his weekend on-call(which was true he was, but got a note from his dr saying he needed out of work until 1/5). Last year when he went to rehab people that know us were SHOCKED. They would have never guessed that was going on in our household. This would shock our friends just as much because to be around him you would never know. We've had several invites to New Years events and I've had to make up this reason or that reason for not coming. I may ask my parents to keep the baby over night and I'll go to a friend's house for the night. I just can't bare another New Year's Eve alone with my thoughts.
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wow. New Years Eve alone. It's funny you pointed that out. I was with now deceased ABF for three years. This would've been our 4th. The first, he'd passed out drunk and high. No party for us! The next, he picked a fight, kicked me out and I'd spent it with my best girlfriend. The next? Ditto. This year he is gone. Go do something good for you! Get a sitter, get out of town, get a few laughs and surround yourself with people that are positive and upbeat. You deserve it!
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Originally Posted by aah1977
His parents are going to see him through it and I hope with everything inside of me that it works and we can get him clean for his naltraxone implant next week. I can't worry about him though. He is going to do what he wants and if this doesn't work and he ends up in jail (if he tries to leave while going through the detox his parents are firm they will call the cops) I will be moving out. I am nervous about the next few nights and whether he will sneak out of their house and show up here.
I do not follow this whole thing about calling the cops and him landing in jail.
Leaving detox or a treatment program is not a crime. Being addicted to substance is not a crime.
This sneaking out thing is also confusing. I assume he is an adult. Is he being held against his will?
I do understand your concern about the potential for his return home. So why not use this opportunity to change the locks, right now, and reprogram the garage door thingy, if you have one. Protecting yourself and most importantly, your son from the chaos of active addiction is reason enough.
Lying and making excuses for him and/ or his absence is co-dependency. Doing so implies a sense that you are the cause of it or can control it or him. Of course there is no reason to make it an issue at a social gathering.
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Originally Posted by outtolunch
We can't get anyone clean. He owns this and he may or may not want it at this time.
I do not follow this whole thing about calling the cops and him landing in jail.
Leaving detox or a treatment program is not a crime. Being addicted to substance is not a crime.
This sneaking out thing is also confusing. I assume he is an adult. Is he being held against his will?
I do understand your concern about the potential for his return home. So why not use this opportunity to change the locks, right now, and reprogram the garage door thingy, if you have one. Protecting yourself and most importantly, your son from the chaos of active addiction is reason enough.
Lying and making excuses for him and/ or his absence is co-dependency. Doing so implies a sense that you are the cause of it or can control it or him. Of course there is no reason to make it an issue at a social gathering.
I do not follow this whole thing about calling the cops and him landing in jail.
Leaving detox or a treatment program is not a crime. Being addicted to substance is not a crime.
This sneaking out thing is also confusing. I assume he is an adult. Is he being held against his will?
I do understand your concern about the potential for his return home. So why not use this opportunity to change the locks, right now, and reprogram the garage door thingy, if you have one. Protecting yourself and most importantly, your son from the chaos of active addiction is reason enough.
Lying and making excuses for him and/ or his absence is co-dependency. Doing so implies a sense that you are the cause of it or can control it or him. Of course there is no reason to make it an issue at a social gathering.
Wow, I didn't even realize I hd written "we" that says a lot about my codie bhavior doesn't it? Yes, he needs to get himself clean-not me or anyone else getting him clean. I just don't think people need to know. I really don't want to get into it with people and I've told people on an as needed bases as well as someone who is a source of support for me. The others don't need to know. I don't view it as co-dependency I see it as none of their business really.
He isn't being kept against his will. No one tied him up and made him do this. He is on probabtion for prescription fraud from last year. It has been made very clear to him that if he makes the choice to use rather than detox his family will either call the cops or his probabtion officer. The reason being is that through the detox he is put on non-narcotic rxs that sadate him (he is in a program that does a rapid detox with a naltraxone implant) and he will be in no shape to drive. It would be a call to protect others from him on the road. He voluntarily left all of his stuff -keys, wallet, etc.- in our home so he can't get in easily, but if he were struggling he could figure out how to get in the house.
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I don't see anything wrong with picking and choosing who you tell about his addiction. My RABF has told his friends about his addiction. They know that he is in recovery. I have told my close friends, but not my acquaintances. I know it's good to not have secrets, because that continues to the lies. However, I don't feel comfortable telling people I work with or people that I just met. I don't see anything wrong with that.
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