Will I (n)ever learn?????
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Join Date: Nov 2009
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Will I (n)ever learn?????
The same old heart pounding anxiety this morning. I have not posted for a while because I was ashamed of seeing him again. I was missing him terribly and we saw each other. He told me that if there was a pill he could take to take away his addiction, he would take it. Should have seen the writing on the wall once again. FYI: crack and vodka, but crack is the primary doc.
So he stops once again, telling me he is "done". No program because it does not work. He is going to do it "his way" because he was able to stay clean 6 mos last year. And maybe in the future, after he is clean for a while, he will get counseling. SOS again and I buy it.
Last night I hear from him until about 9:30. no emails this morning. He does not sleep well or much and usually there are lots of emails. So I drive over and his car is in the driveway wrecked on the driver's side, both tires and wheels destroyed and front bumper off. Bang on the door, no answer. go in the window because I think maybe he is hurt. I took him for brain surgery 2 years ago when some crackhead beat him up and caused his brain to bleed. Nobody home.
Looked around outside. Figured out he hit the wall. He lives on a very steep hill. Cigarettes in the house and food, so he wasn't going out for either. Obviously went out to score and after he wrecked his car, he hiked to some crack house. walk a mile for a camel.
I feel so stupid and since I am coming clean, here is the kicker. He talked me into (and of course I had to agree) to go on a trip to an exotic land for 2 weeks. Of course, I would be paying. He had miles for the airfare.
My sponsor is asleep as she is five hours time zone away. I am kicking myself once again and trying to decide if I am "done". finally, done.
He told me that if I did not help him financially by giving him work to do at my house, that he would have to move and live with mommy in a faraway State. Mommy is who has been giving him money. I bit on that one since at the time, I was so "happy" to have him back in my life. What an idiot I am.
I know he is not going to stop until he is ready and clearly a trip to Europe and me giving him "work" to do at my house gives him no consequence. I know all this and therefore I have to really, really look at me and what I am getting out of this. My sponsor asked if I respected him and as of 2 days ago, I could not really say that I did. She asked why I want to be with someone I don't respect. So that he can grow and earn it? he is a ch and while he can stay clean for short periods of time, or even 6 months, it is always looming. THe kinky stuff he does when using is still in his closet obviously because he knows there is going to be a next time. This is my denial. My sponsor and one friend are the only ones who know I reconnected once again. I really want him out of my life. G-d is giving me all the signs that I am the one who is going to have to walk away and stay away. It would make it easier if he lived with his mom, because she is several hours away by plane, and I would not be so brash as to jump on a plane when "missing him".
So I am sharing with you. I get great support from all of you and I am feeling angry at myself now. He is doing what he does. My counselor said that maybe he was put on earth to be an addict. He is adhd, bipolar, post traumatic stress, all kinds of stuff and he knows this and uses it as a crutch as to why he "can't" (won't) change. And he is right and I have to stop being so pig headed and "supportive" and enabling. I am sure there is more to follow when I get the phone call from him and the excuse about how his car slipped in the rain. If true, then he could have called me as his cellphone is sitting in his house. I am cancelling the trip this morning and trying to focus on work.
NC Girl
So he stops once again, telling me he is "done". No program because it does not work. He is going to do it "his way" because he was able to stay clean 6 mos last year. And maybe in the future, after he is clean for a while, he will get counseling. SOS again and I buy it.
Last night I hear from him until about 9:30. no emails this morning. He does not sleep well or much and usually there are lots of emails. So I drive over and his car is in the driveway wrecked on the driver's side, both tires and wheels destroyed and front bumper off. Bang on the door, no answer. go in the window because I think maybe he is hurt. I took him for brain surgery 2 years ago when some crackhead beat him up and caused his brain to bleed. Nobody home.
Looked around outside. Figured out he hit the wall. He lives on a very steep hill. Cigarettes in the house and food, so he wasn't going out for either. Obviously went out to score and after he wrecked his car, he hiked to some crack house. walk a mile for a camel.
I feel so stupid and since I am coming clean, here is the kicker. He talked me into (and of course I had to agree) to go on a trip to an exotic land for 2 weeks. Of course, I would be paying. He had miles for the airfare.
My sponsor is asleep as she is five hours time zone away. I am kicking myself once again and trying to decide if I am "done". finally, done.
He told me that if I did not help him financially by giving him work to do at my house, that he would have to move and live with mommy in a faraway State. Mommy is who has been giving him money. I bit on that one since at the time, I was so "happy" to have him back in my life. What an idiot I am.
I know he is not going to stop until he is ready and clearly a trip to Europe and me giving him "work" to do at my house gives him no consequence. I know all this and therefore I have to really, really look at me and what I am getting out of this. My sponsor asked if I respected him and as of 2 days ago, I could not really say that I did. She asked why I want to be with someone I don't respect. So that he can grow and earn it? he is a ch and while he can stay clean for short periods of time, or even 6 months, it is always looming. THe kinky stuff he does when using is still in his closet obviously because he knows there is going to be a next time. This is my denial. My sponsor and one friend are the only ones who know I reconnected once again. I really want him out of my life. G-d is giving me all the signs that I am the one who is going to have to walk away and stay away. It would make it easier if he lived with his mom, because she is several hours away by plane, and I would not be so brash as to jump on a plane when "missing him".
So I am sharing with you. I get great support from all of you and I am feeling angry at myself now. He is doing what he does. My counselor said that maybe he was put on earth to be an addict. He is adhd, bipolar, post traumatic stress, all kinds of stuff and he knows this and uses it as a crutch as to why he "can't" (won't) change. And he is right and I have to stop being so pig headed and "supportive" and enabling. I am sure there is more to follow when I get the phone call from him and the excuse about how his car slipped in the rain. If true, then he could have called me as his cellphone is sitting in his house. I am cancelling the trip this morning and trying to focus on work.
NC Girl
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((NCGirl))) - I'm sorry you're going through this, but you're right...he's not done and it sounds as if he has no intention of finding recovery any time soon.
Not only am I a recovering crack addict, I'm a recovering codie. Left MY XABF because he didn't want to quit. I have almost 3 years clean, I recently found out my ex died earlier this month, in a crack house, most likely due to almost 30 years of abusing his body with substances and alcohol.
As far as his excuse about why he "can't" change because of the ADHD, PTSD, etc., I was robbed at my job, twice, since I've gotten into recovery. The second time was very traumatic, and I now have PTSD and migraines from being pistol whipped and wondering if I and my 2 coworkers were going to die.
I didn't go score crack...I went to my dr. and the workmen's comp doctors and I sought help. I'm still struggling with the PTSD as workmen's comp doesn't recognize it and my dr. gives me samples of the meds when he has them, but when he doesn't, well...I get pretty depressed and scatterbrained. Using is the LAST thing on my mind.
So, what I'm saying is he's just not ready to quit. I had family that set boundaries and let me fall on my face...I will forever be grateful to them. They allowed me to face the consequences of my action, told me "you use, you don't come around us"
I'm glad you cancelled the trip and I hope you get the strength to let him go to his mom's. He will bleed you for money as long as you let him and continue antics like whatever he did last night..and it will probably get worse.
IMO, the best thing you can do now is let him deal with his wrecked car, hope that he didn't hurt someone else when he wrecked it, and tell him you're not supporting his habit any more, because that's what you're doing any time you give him money.
I know it hurts, but the pain gets less as time goes by and you are no longer in the midst of the chaos. Yes, I STILL miss my ex, and it broke my heart to learn that he died. I had written him letters in jail, did NOT send him money, but I let him know that though I still loved him, we would not ever be together again...I just had a feeling he was never going to "get it", though I prayed he would.
I was 1-1/2 hours away, and even that little distance was enough. I regained my equilibrium and was able to see how much energy I had put into HIM and how much of ME I had lost.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Not only am I a recovering crack addict, I'm a recovering codie. Left MY XABF because he didn't want to quit. I have almost 3 years clean, I recently found out my ex died earlier this month, in a crack house, most likely due to almost 30 years of abusing his body with substances and alcohol.
As far as his excuse about why he "can't" change because of the ADHD, PTSD, etc., I was robbed at my job, twice, since I've gotten into recovery. The second time was very traumatic, and I now have PTSD and migraines from being pistol whipped and wondering if I and my 2 coworkers were going to die.
I didn't go score crack...I went to my dr. and the workmen's comp doctors and I sought help. I'm still struggling with the PTSD as workmen's comp doesn't recognize it and my dr. gives me samples of the meds when he has them, but when he doesn't, well...I get pretty depressed and scatterbrained. Using is the LAST thing on my mind.
So, what I'm saying is he's just not ready to quit. I had family that set boundaries and let me fall on my face...I will forever be grateful to them. They allowed me to face the consequences of my action, told me "you use, you don't come around us"
I'm glad you cancelled the trip and I hope you get the strength to let him go to his mom's. He will bleed you for money as long as you let him and continue antics like whatever he did last night..and it will probably get worse.
IMO, the best thing you can do now is let him deal with his wrecked car, hope that he didn't hurt someone else when he wrecked it, and tell him you're not supporting his habit any more, because that's what you're doing any time you give him money.
I know it hurts, but the pain gets less as time goes by and you are no longer in the midst of the chaos. Yes, I STILL miss my ex, and it broke my heart to learn that he died. I had written him letters in jail, did NOT send him money, but I let him know that though I still loved him, we would not ever be together again...I just had a feeling he was never going to "get it", though I prayed he would.
I was 1-1/2 hours away, and even that little distance was enough. I regained my equilibrium and was able to see how much energy I had put into HIM and how much of ME I had lost.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 26
Follow up: He called: DUI
He called from the hospital to say he was driving up the hill very fast and his tire blew and he hit a wall. Cops and tow truck came. He says he tried to light a cigarette and cops would "not allow it". Says cop punched him in the head and he was charged with DUI and destruction of property. Could I pick him up at hospital.
Told him I did not believe him and that he was going to score. (He said he was going to see his friend, a drunk) Told him he could find his own way home. So now his dui will be in the little paper where we live. Thank G-d nobody but my sponsor and one friend knows I was seeing him again. My ex is going to see it and my son is going to know. G-d is making it easy for me if I would only listen.
NC Girl
Told him I did not believe him and that he was going to score. (He said he was going to see his friend, a drunk) Told him he could find his own way home. So now his dui will be in the little paper where we live. Thank G-d nobody but my sponsor and one friend knows I was seeing him again. My ex is going to see it and my son is going to know. G-d is making it easy for me if I would only listen.
NC Girl
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
Yes. the signs are there. The Hospice counselor I'm seeing reiterates, how do you know when an addict is lying? Answer: when their lips are moving. I know it's hard because you miss him. Are you missing the person you want him to be, the person you think he could be or the dream? I know I did the same darned thing! I kept looking for a sliver of the person I fell in love with. I know, the last time my ABF went to jail, I actually felt safe and relieved to a point. I knew he wasn't using and was going to come out clean....for a stretch anyway. He overdosed in our bed on 11-29-09. God is making it very very very easy for you. The universe is sending you the red flags. I would venture to say that your concern is teetering on stalking. Don't drive over to his house, don't climb in windows. Use your detective skills in a way that is POSITIVE for you. I've found that by disciplining myself sometimes 5 minutes at a time working toward 30 minutes of not thinking about my ABF, it got easier to get on with my life. Ask yourself, what would have to happen for you to move on with your life? In the most caring way. Do you talk to his parents at all. Perhaps you could coordinate a meeting with them and express your concern and your plan.
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Thanks insulated. He asked me to come over this morning. I had no idea he was arrested and thought he was inside. He will answer the door even if he is using if it is me. SO, I thought that maybe he had another brain bleed and needed an ambulance. Could I have driven away if he had a brain bleed? no. Could I have walked away if I thought he had a brain bleed and was hemmorhaging inside? no. I own that.
As for his parents, I do not talk to them because the codie in me will try to manipulate them to keep their hands off of him and it has always backfired in the past. His mom would love him to move back in so she can baby him. His father (they are divorced) treats him like dirt. I have no place talking to them because they each do what they have been doing his entire life and my "advice" is not always right nor is it ever appreciated.
and maybe he needs to move in with his mommy and leave his kids here (they are teens). He claims he only lives for his kids and for me, but obviously he lives for that euphoria that only crack gives him. I have to disengage. He does not need an intervention. He can stop, but cannot stay stopped and he had done rehab many times. He has to want to quit and stay quit and get better and he does not. that is the bottom line. My life would be so much better if he would move, but I can't make him do that. G-d is putting this in my face and forcing me to take action and to walk away and I need to do it for my own good. I need to stay quit from him, and that is my problem.
NC Girl
As for his parents, I do not talk to them because the codie in me will try to manipulate them to keep their hands off of him and it has always backfired in the past. His mom would love him to move back in so she can baby him. His father (they are divorced) treats him like dirt. I have no place talking to them because they each do what they have been doing his entire life and my "advice" is not always right nor is it ever appreciated.
and maybe he needs to move in with his mommy and leave his kids here (they are teens). He claims he only lives for his kids and for me, but obviously he lives for that euphoria that only crack gives him. I have to disengage. He does not need an intervention. He can stop, but cannot stay stopped and he had done rehab many times. He has to want to quit and stay quit and get better and he does not. that is the bottom line. My life would be so much better if he would move, but I can't make him do that. G-d is putting this in my face and forcing me to take action and to walk away and I need to do it for my own good. I need to stay quit from him, and that is my problem.
NC Girl
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
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It is very hard to walk away. I know. I'd been kicked out about 15 times from my home with ABF. But, after a couple days I was thinking whoa! I don't have to live in fear, or manipulation any longer. A brain bleed? I'm sorry. Perhaps you could delicately mention to his mother to check on him periodically to be sure he is alive. As a mother myself I would certainly do that if one of my childs friends told me the circumstance. Yes, staying quit is a very very hard thing to do. We can't save the world if we don't save ourselves first. Is it possible for you to move? New beginnings bring great things.
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Location: Chicago area
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Originally Posted by Impurrfect 
I had family that set boundaries and let me fall on my face...I will forever be grateful to them. They allowed me to face the consequences of my action, told me "you use, you don't come around us".Amy
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Location: Atlanta
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((OTL)) - thanks, sweetie - I miss my thank you button
((NCGirl)) - I understand about the brain bleed, but you can't watch him every single minute. When I found out my ex died, I first thought "I wish I'd been here", but if I HAD, I'd been smoking crack and out jumping into cars with strange men to get money; my ex often stole someone's dope and hid out for a few days until they got over their anger (he was an uncle to most of the boys, so they would forgive him)....in other words, even if HAD been with him, he still could have died.
Heck, I was an RN for 12 years, and it may have been something I couldn't "fix". As harsh as this may sound (and I don't mean it to, really), death is a risk we A's face with our using. I was beaten up and choked. I got into cars with strangers...how risky is THAT? I'm lucky to be alive.
I worked in a neuro ICU...he had a brain bleed as a result of bleeding. He had surgery. He's had no problems since then, right? Crack can cause a stroke. Crack can cause a heart attack. Crack can make you do something stupid or be in the wrong place at the wrong time and get you killed. Driving under the influence can kill you and others.
You can't control this....you just can't. Calling him, checking on him will just keep you tied to him. As hard as it is, you need to realize that he has an HP and turn him over to his HP.
He's on a downward spiral and he will take you with him if you allow it. Yes, he may get clean again, but would you really trust him or would you be wondering when he's going to go back to crack? Yeah, the good times are great, but when they're overshadowed with that "when is the other shoe going to drop" feeling, you're not truly enjoying life.
I'm very proud of you that you didn't pick him up. Most of us have to start with baby steps, but when we get to that point when we KNOW that we just can't do it any more, we do what we have to do to detach.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
((NCGirl)) - I understand about the brain bleed, but you can't watch him every single minute. When I found out my ex died, I first thought "I wish I'd been here", but if I HAD, I'd been smoking crack and out jumping into cars with strange men to get money; my ex often stole someone's dope and hid out for a few days until they got over their anger (he was an uncle to most of the boys, so they would forgive him)....in other words, even if HAD been with him, he still could have died.
Heck, I was an RN for 12 years, and it may have been something I couldn't "fix". As harsh as this may sound (and I don't mean it to, really), death is a risk we A's face with our using. I was beaten up and choked. I got into cars with strangers...how risky is THAT? I'm lucky to be alive.
I worked in a neuro ICU...he had a brain bleed as a result of bleeding. He had surgery. He's had no problems since then, right? Crack can cause a stroke. Crack can cause a heart attack. Crack can make you do something stupid or be in the wrong place at the wrong time and get you killed. Driving under the influence can kill you and others.
You can't control this....you just can't. Calling him, checking on him will just keep you tied to him. As hard as it is, you need to realize that he has an HP and turn him over to his HP.
He's on a downward spiral and he will take you with him if you allow it. Yes, he may get clean again, but would you really trust him or would you be wondering when he's going to go back to crack? Yeah, the good times are great, but when they're overshadowed with that "when is the other shoe going to drop" feeling, you're not truly enjoying life.
I'm very proud of you that you didn't pick him up. Most of us have to start with baby steps, but when we get to that point when we KNOW that we just can't do it any more, we do what we have to do to detach.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by ncgirl
SO, I thought that maybe he had another brain bleed and needed an ambulance. Could I have driven away if he had a brain bleed? no. Could I have walked away if I thought he had a brain bleed and was hemmorhaging inside? no. I own that. l
I used to play the " what if " game all the time, about my daughter. The common theme was that I needed to protect and save her from whatever.
I just needed to know that she would be OK. It was all about me and my need to control her.
I am impressed by your screen name. Stay true to it and yourself. He needs to feel the consequences of his actions to even begin to contemplate the alternatives. And if he chooses to persist, regardless, well then, he did it his way.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
first let me say, no need to beat yourself up, i don't know how many thousands of times i went back for more in the past 23yrs and my ah is now doing his 2nd term in prison. sorry but it kind of sound like you may be being manipulated by your own thoughts. he knows the problems he's having with his health yet he still chooses to use.
i'm a recovering crack addict too and i agree with what impurrfect said, and i agree with you, maybe it is time for you to let his mom take care of him if thats what she wants to do. i know its hard but it maybe the best thing you can do to help him and yourself in the long run.
i'm very grateful that my family walked away and allowed me to suffer the consequence of my bad choices. bailing an addict out, to an addict, is like saying "its ok to use because i'll be here when ever you need me." i'm a few yrs clean but i know if my family had not allowed me to hit my bottom, i would probably still be out there using, in jail or dead.
focus on you, nothing you decide have to be forever unless you decide it to be. jmho
i'm a recovering crack addict too and i agree with what impurrfect said, and i agree with you, maybe it is time for you to let his mom take care of him if thats what she wants to do. i know its hard but it maybe the best thing you can do to help him and yourself in the long run.
i'm very grateful that my family walked away and allowed me to suffer the consequence of my bad choices. bailing an addict out, to an addict, is like saying "its ok to use because i'll be here when ever you need me." i'm a few yrs clean but i know if my family had not allowed me to hit my bottom, i would probably still be out there using, in jail or dead.
focus on you, nothing you decide have to be forever unless you decide it to be. jmho
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