Dealing with the Addicts other Enablers
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
Dealing with the Addicts other Enablers
My AH is currently detoxing from a relapse that occured just a couple of weeks before his 1 year anniversary of being sober. I'm having a hard time putting my mind around all of this because it really took me by surprise.
Now, not only do I have to deal with my own issues related to this, but now I'm forced to deal with his parents. I've always had a very rocky relationship with these people and the addiction just makes it even more complicated. They will stop at nothing to try and get him clean, but they do not see how their behavior just makes things worse. They pay off debt, they give him money, they send him on vacations to get away to relax, they shower him with all this talk about how much they love him and support his decisions and they honestly think this is going to miraculously cure him. They are also terrible control freaks who think they will control the situation. They don't go to counseling or Al Anon to try and deal with their son's addiction so they really don't have the tools to do what is best for him.
Where the problem arises is they coddle and coddle and coddle. They are using this opportunity to begin an us against her war with me. I'm standing my ground. I have set up a few boundaries for myself and they take every opportunity to tell him how wrong they think I am for setting these boundaries and for taking a stand. They made sure to sit down with us last night and tell us both how they think I'm a horrible wife for not supporting him, for thinking of leaving, for not bending over backwards to make his life better. It makes me sick and after a huge blow up I've told them they aren't welcome here as long as I'm here. AH understands where I am with that, but I'm sure to someone who isn't totally stable right now all of this is only going to make me the villian. I know I'm making the right choices, but I'm so sick of hearing them spew to them that I'm the one in the wrong!
I know I can't change anyone, but their toxic behavior is driving me crazy and I just needed to vent.
Now, not only do I have to deal with my own issues related to this, but now I'm forced to deal with his parents. I've always had a very rocky relationship with these people and the addiction just makes it even more complicated. They will stop at nothing to try and get him clean, but they do not see how their behavior just makes things worse. They pay off debt, they give him money, they send him on vacations to get away to relax, they shower him with all this talk about how much they love him and support his decisions and they honestly think this is going to miraculously cure him. They are also terrible control freaks who think they will control the situation. They don't go to counseling or Al Anon to try and deal with their son's addiction so they really don't have the tools to do what is best for him.
Where the problem arises is they coddle and coddle and coddle. They are using this opportunity to begin an us against her war with me. I'm standing my ground. I have set up a few boundaries for myself and they take every opportunity to tell him how wrong they think I am for setting these boundaries and for taking a stand. They made sure to sit down with us last night and tell us both how they think I'm a horrible wife for not supporting him, for thinking of leaving, for not bending over backwards to make his life better. It makes me sick and after a huge blow up I've told them they aren't welcome here as long as I'm here. AH understands where I am with that, but I'm sure to someone who isn't totally stable right now all of this is only going to make me the villian. I know I'm making the right choices, but I'm so sick of hearing them spew to them that I'm the one in the wrong!
I know I can't change anyone, but their toxic behavior is driving me crazy and I just needed to vent.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Aah))) I can understand how frustrating this must be. However, the 3 c's (you didn't cause it, can't control it, can't change it) works with his parents (or anyone else, for that matter) just as it does the A.
My stepmom is an A and a codie-to-the-extreme. She and my dad have raised my 16-year-old niece after her mom (my stepsister) died in a car wreck when niece, Brit was a baby. Because of stepmom being such a codie, and dad not standing HIS ground, Brit was quite out of control for a while...I saw a child heading fast toward trouble and addiction (everyone on both sides of her family are A's or have "issues").
I couldn't set rules, though I live in the same house..it wasn't my place. Brit and I fought all the time...I loved her but couldn't stand her and she was a "wild child". So, I read here, a lot. I started setting boundaries for myself...she didn't like it, at ALL, at first...yes, I was "the villian". There were times I thought I would have to bite my tongue in two when she would cuss out my stepmom, but my stepmom was the one who put up with it.
Today, Brit and I have an awesome relationship and I am the person she respects the most in this family. We don't always agree, she doesn't get her way with me, but both my dad and stepmom will come to me when they are concerned about getting Brit to "understand" something.
I know this is different than your situation, but it's similar. I can't change my dad or stepmom and how they coddle Brit. She IS still a child, but she is doing things a 16-year-old shouldn't be doing. I can't control that. All I can do is set my boundaries and give her my love and experience. There are many times I've had all three of them extremely angry at me, but I held my ground. I KNEW what I was doing was right and I came here for support, when I faltered.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
My stepmom is an A and a codie-to-the-extreme. She and my dad have raised my 16-year-old niece after her mom (my stepsister) died in a car wreck when niece, Brit was a baby. Because of stepmom being such a codie, and dad not standing HIS ground, Brit was quite out of control for a while...I saw a child heading fast toward trouble and addiction (everyone on both sides of her family are A's or have "issues").
I couldn't set rules, though I live in the same house..it wasn't my place. Brit and I fought all the time...I loved her but couldn't stand her and she was a "wild child". So, I read here, a lot. I started setting boundaries for myself...she didn't like it, at ALL, at first...yes, I was "the villian". There were times I thought I would have to bite my tongue in two when she would cuss out my stepmom, but my stepmom was the one who put up with it.
Today, Brit and I have an awesome relationship and I am the person she respects the most in this family. We don't always agree, she doesn't get her way with me, but both my dad and stepmom will come to me when they are concerned about getting Brit to "understand" something.
I know this is different than your situation, but it's similar. I can't change my dad or stepmom and how they coddle Brit. She IS still a child, but she is doing things a 16-year-old shouldn't be doing. I can't control that. All I can do is set my boundaries and give her my love and experience. There are many times I've had all three of them extremely angry at me, but I held my ground. I KNEW what I was doing was right and I came here for support, when I faltered.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
That is so disrespectful on SO many levels, I don't even know where to begin! I can't believe they had the nerve to butt in that way. Jeez, I hope I'm never that kind of in-law when my children get married!!
What an ordeal for you. I hope you find some peace! Deep cleansing breaths, a hot bubble bath and some good Al-anon reading are in order!
You KNOW you are not wrong! Thank goodness we have SR for support, eh? People just do not understand that it's very hard work to be strong in our boundaries in order to HELP our addicts/alcoholics. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, I know that!
(((((Hugs))))
What an ordeal for you. I hope you find some peace! Deep cleansing breaths, a hot bubble bath and some good Al-anon reading are in order!
You KNOW you are not wrong! Thank goodness we have SR for support, eh? People just do not understand that it's very hard work to be strong in our boundaries in order to HELP our addicts/alcoholics. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, I know that!
(((((Hugs))))
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Sounds like the folks are stuck and likely believe someone caused it. They can control it. And with enough "support", they are going to cure it.
You can't control them anymore than you can control your AH and someone else's addiction. I love that you established a boundary for yourself to keep their toxic waste out of your face.
You can't control them anymore than you can control your AH and someone else's addiction. I love that you established a boundary for yourself to keep their toxic waste out of your face.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
aah1977: I had the exact situation when i was married to cocaine-addicted husband except for the part where the in-laws put their feeling into words to me. They kept all their thoughts amongst themselves, but i sure did know where they stood by their actions. My then-MIL would allow her son (my then-husband) to stay at her place, show up at 7 AM to take a shower, etc. It was huge and very disrespectful to me, but there was nothing i could do about it. Needless to say, our marriage did not survive (but that certainly was not the only reason why it did not survive. Our marriage could not survive active, untreated addiction). When my then-husband did find his way into rehab and AA, his family of origin was nowhere to be seen.
I made the mistake of maintaining the relationship with that side of the family in order for my children to know their father's family. So now fast forward 18 years, and this same ex-MIL enabled my son in his addiction by opening her home to him thus allowing him to continue his addiction. She was sure she was going to do for him what i could not or would not do for this son of mine, and she did tell me that she would NEVER kick out anyone from her home. She eventually kicked my son out of her home. But that second act of enabling was a deal-breaker for me, and i no longer choose to have any kind of relationship with her or any of that family.
What helped me was to minimize contact with them (except when i was visiting with my children) so i did not have to hear the snide remarks that were meant to bait me into a loud out-of-control argument which is what they thrived on. And also going to meetings helped me because it was there that i got the support i so desparately needed. But if i had to do it again, i would not have tried to continue a relationship with them for the sake of my children.
Hope that helps.
I made the mistake of maintaining the relationship with that side of the family in order for my children to know their father's family. So now fast forward 18 years, and this same ex-MIL enabled my son in his addiction by opening her home to him thus allowing him to continue his addiction. She was sure she was going to do for him what i could not or would not do for this son of mine, and she did tell me that she would NEVER kick out anyone from her home. She eventually kicked my son out of her home. But that second act of enabling was a deal-breaker for me, and i no longer choose to have any kind of relationship with her or any of that family.
What helped me was to minimize contact with them (except when i was visiting with my children) so i did not have to hear the snide remarks that were meant to bait me into a loud out-of-control argument which is what they thrived on. And also going to meetings helped me because it was there that i got the support i so desparately needed. But if i had to do it again, i would not have tried to continue a relationship with them for the sake of my children.
Hope that helps.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
omg, your in-laws sound EXACTLY like yours with the same behavior. after 21yrs of me trying to live up to what they expected of me and my ah's addiction, i found myself literally going insane. for the sake of my kids, i HAD to limit my contact with the whole family. like you, i couldn't take no more so i decided not to.
my ah is now serving his 2nd prison term and my mil still thinks i'm wrong for not wanting to continue to agree with her and continue to help her support and encourage him. today whenever she does call me, i make it known that i do not want to talk about ah at all.
your in laws are gonna do what they want to do and there is nothing you can do to change them. focus on you and lend them a death ear when it comes to their opinion of you. i'll keep all of you in my prayers.
my ah is now serving his 2nd prison term and my mil still thinks i'm wrong for not wanting to continue to agree with her and continue to help her support and encourage him. today whenever she does call me, i make it known that i do not want to talk about ah at all.
your in laws are gonna do what they want to do and there is nothing you can do to change them. focus on you and lend them a death ear when it comes to their opinion of you. i'll keep all of you in my prayers.
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