dont know what to do

Old 12-23-2009, 09:58 AM
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dont know what to do

I have been looking for help and support so I thought I would give this a try. My wife of 6 years was arrested 3 months ago on 16 felony charges of obtaining cds by fraud. She was doctor shopping behind my back and going through alot of pills. I am a paramedic and she was good at hiding the addiction. The first time I knew she had a problem is when she called from jail. About 8 years ago she had a problem with bad drugs and went into treatment and was clean for 4 years. Since her arrest she has been going to a methadone clinic. Over the past sever months she has gone down hill and is wilting away. her 14 year old daughter is failing school, drinks, smokes, has sex with 19 year old men. My wife blames me for the way the daughter acts. I have tried to get her other help but she wont. As of 3 days ago she says she cant live in the same house and that i need to move. I have tried to talk to her and she doesnt have anything to say. I am seeking help for myself in dealing with this. the doctor says that im not crazy and that the methadone is making her not give a dam. I am about to throw in the towel and divorce her even though I love her very much and dont want to see the childs life get worse. Any help or advise would mean the world
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Old 12-23-2009, 12:33 PM
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Hi there. I'm glad you posted.

you can't change her. you can't help her. you can't make her want to get better. you can't make her be honest. you can't make her be a good mother.

Consider that this is the woman that you married, and that she is not going to change. if your name is on the house it could be that you tell her to leave because your not going anywhere. But either way, it kind of sounds like you guys need a break from each other...

As far as the daughter goes, sounds like she's out of control. Not much you can do there unless she's your daughter. It doesn't sound like you've got much control over her right now and it doesn't sound like that's going to change either.

Keep reading and posting. you'll meet lots of people on this sight who will be able to identify with your situation and support you in whatever you do.
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Old 12-23-2009, 01:21 PM
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I was afraid that was going to be the answer. I cant live like this anymore and on the other hand im afraid that if I turn my back on her she will get even worse and by then it will be oo late for the both of them. I dont understand why she chose drugs over her family..
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Old 12-23-2009, 03:02 PM
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hi, sorry you have to be here but so glad you are. i'm a recovering addict married to a practicing addict and i have to agree with kitty, there is nothing you can do to help your wife, she'll have to want to seek help for herself.

from experience, i can tell you that i don't think she is choosing drugs over the family, she's addicted and probably all she can think of day in and day out is drugs. thats how it was for me any way. its not against you or because of you. its really not a personal thing.

it took for my family to turn their back allowing me to hit my bottom, it was then that i was able to see just how out of control my life had become causing me to feel desperate to commit to recovery. today i'm a few yrs clean and very grateful to my family for allowing me to hit bottom and suffer the consequences of my own actions.

try to focus more on you and what you can do to make your life easier. read all you can and post as much as you like, we are all here to help each other. maybe you could try alanon or naranon f2f support groups for yourself. we who live with addiction sometimes get just as sick as our addicts and need help too.

i really do understand how hard it is to step away from all the drama, my husband of 23yrs is what brought me here. like you, i came here trying to see how i could help him. after 21yrs of trying to stick and stay, i found myself literally going insane so i HAD to separate myself inorder to regain some sanity. the caring people here have really been life savers for me so i pray that you stick around. others with more exp, will be along shortly to offer you more support. i will keep you and your family in my prayers.
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Old 12-23-2009, 07:07 PM
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I cant live like this anymore and on the other hand im afraid that if I turn my back on her she will get even worse and by then it will be oo late for the both of them
You have no control over whether she gets worse or better. It could be that your staying is enabling her and preventing her from getting better. (You might want to read up on enabling - by providing an addict a place to live, by protecting them from the full effects of their addiction we ENABLE their addiction to continue.)

We have a saying around here.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

She's going to get worse without your help. She's going to get better without your help. It's not you. It's her.

I'm sorry if I seem negative. It's just how I've had to learn to look at things in order to regain control over MY LIFE. When we focus all our energy on an addict and their problem, we lose control of our own lives. We lose control of our own sanity. This is something that we can own.

It's kind of like being on an airplane when there's a sudden drop in cabin pressure. The air masks drop from the ceiling. You need to put your own air mask on first. Before you try to help your neighbor put their mask on. Otherwise you both die.

I'm sorry about the teenager. Have you had a heart to heart with her about the situation? Can you talk to a family counselor who specializes in addiction?
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Old 12-23-2009, 07:37 PM
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Well as much as it hurt I told her that we were through. I cannot like with the sickness anymore. I will not let it effect me anymore. When I told her it was over she said oh well and could I leave her money for the methadone clinic. I didnt do it, told her she needed to figure it out. I am going to call the childs father and tell him about the arrest and the drug abuse. Maybe she will have a chance living with him. I also told my wife that I was removing my name from her bail and she would need to find somebody else. What pushed me over the edge is I found out that she was buying pills from one of her daughters friends and her daughter set the whole thing up. I thank yall for your advice and prayers, I do plan to attend na for myself so I can understand what is going on.
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Old 12-24-2009, 03:54 AM
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I understand.

I have been dealing with addicted people for 23 years now. My ex husband is and alcoholic. I begged, pleaded, cried, lectured to no avail. I stuck with him because of my strong belief in the institution of marriage. I finally left him when he pushed my daughter down and also I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, (sleeping and crying all the time.)

Then, when I pulled my 15 year old daughter away and left him, she became a drug addict and have been dealing with her for 5 years as she is now 20. I have thrown her out many times and then in turn let her back in. I just threw her out again as of yesterday and I can't let her back in as my apartment manager doesn't want her back. (My belief is: God stepped in where I was weak).

I know you love your wife, but listen to me, you have absolutely no power to help her in any way. Read one of the threads entitled, "What addicts do." I have it on my refrigerator and read it every 5 minutes, because it is the absolute truth. One of the best things I have ever read.

It's heartbreaking and you never dreamed you would be in this situation, I know. Sometimes I feel as though I have wasted so many years of my life on other people, but the one thing that keeps me going as I know how strong I am to put up with this, if that makes any sense.

But, somewhere in your life, it is your turn. I have remet a wonderful man who I knew in high school and we are in love. (My daughter has tried to ruin that too.) It's my turn.

Christmas will be hard as hell without my daughter, but I am trying to remember: she would ruin it any way.

Read: "What addicts do."

Hugs to you and try to have a Merry Christmas.
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Old 12-24-2009, 08:07 AM
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Been there , done that, have the t -shirt. I hope you go to Alanon, call the child's father, don't give her money, and stay in the house if it is yours. In my opinion methodone is just changing seats on the Titanic. There is help and wisdom here. You are not alone. Yes, you do feel like you are going insane. I lost 25lbs. worrying about my XAH when he was in jail. He got out and used! I was addicted to him. My self-esteem was so bad I didn't know he was bad for me. I left. I read everything about codependence and abuse. I finally got the focus on me. I could not live in the chaos and crazies anymore. They have to quack at you to take the focus off them. It's bull----. You are not alone.......we are all one. Peace on Earth and in our homes! Sending everyone an angel......^i^......
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Old 12-25-2009, 11:40 AM
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good for you. you are a strong person. her response to what you told her really speaks volumes as well - she is lost right now
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