Pressing Charges on a Loved One: Is It Betrayal?
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Join Date: Dec 2009
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Pressing Charges on a Loved One: Is It Betrayal?
Hello all. I am so happy to have found this forum. Many thanks to all of you who share your stories here and to all who offer support. After reading through so many of these threads, I would also like to share a little about my family's story and hopefully get some sound advice from those of you who have been in my shoes. Let me apologize in advance for the length of his post.
My family is currently struggling with my youngest brother's addiction. He is 28 years old and his drug(s) of choice is benzodiazepines, particularly Xanax—though he will do pretty much anything he can get his hands on. He lives with my parents and, aside from a few short stints in rehab or elsewhere, he has always lived with them.
I am the sister. I returned to my parents’ home three months ago after losing my position with a firm in another part of the country. Unlike so many others who have lost their jobs in this economy, I am lucky to have a place to stay while seeking a new position.
I have one other brother who is a Deputy District Attorney in another city. He has been a fabulous resource for us, as he truly believes that holding someone accountable for their actions is the only way to rehabilitate them. Holding people accountable is what he does for a living.
I will spare you our history of heartache and will only point out that our youngest brother has always been out of line. He was a mischievous child and was kicked out of several private schools for misbehavior, but never for drugs. We never realized that those behavioral problems foreshadowed his addiction.
He started using about ten years ago, when he was eighteen and was away at college. We didn’t know anything about it and only learned he was using when a young girl who wished to remain anonymous called my parents to tell them that she was worried about the quantity of drugs my brother was doing. We were all shocked and horrified.
Since then, it has only gotten worse. He couldn’t stay in school, moved back into my parents’ home and got a job at a local market. Then, he figured out that he could make more by dealing drugs than he could by working at the market. He started going into the bad parts of town late at night and would come home really messed up. He had people calling his cell phone at all hours. He didn’t have a job, but didn’t seem to have a problem with money…until he owed his dealers more than he was bringing in by selling. Then, he started stealing from my parents. First a few hundred dollars from my father’s wallet, then more. A lot more. He stole their checkbook and attempted to cash checks on their account. He broke into a vintage slot machine that was worth thousands of dollars in order to steal $70 in quarters. He sold many pieces of my father’s coin collection and, according to the coin shop owner, walked away with several thousand dollars. Even last year, my parents spent $40k to send him to a prominent drug rehab facility out of state and he came back worse than ever. He was clean for several months while there, but slipped up, started using and selling at rehab and it all just went downhill from there. It was $40k down the drain in the middle of a horrible economy and it really killed my parents. Yet, he doesn’t seem to care.
What is really difficult for me to understand is the way my parents handle the situation. Sadly, he has never been held accountable for anything in his life and he has learned to simply do as he pleases. When he slips up, my father yells, my mother cries and nothing ever changes. Ever. This has been going on for ten years now and he still lives in their house, pays no rent and continues to use/sell drugs.
It is so easy for me to be critical of the way my parents handle this situation. I am not them and I haven’t walked a mile in their shoes, so it is easy for me to say “kick him out and stop paying for everything.” If he had his way, I think my father would actually kick him out, but my mother constantly stands in his way. There is one thing about my wonderful, shy, sweet, kind, soft-spoken mother…she has always made excuses for my brother’s bad behavior and has unconsciously facilitated it. She is truly codependent.
In the three months that I have been in their home, I am both hurt and baffled by what I have seen. I really feel bad for my father, as he is between the proverbial rock and a hard place. Every time my brother steals something from them, my mother gets upset, but won’t agree to kick him out. My father tries to talk to her about it, but she just can’t stand the thought of him being out in the world all alone. The other day, she even talked about how she dreamed that they kicked him out and he froze in his car. She feels she has to have him close by and in the house or he will die. And they pay for everything…his car insurance, doctor’s bills (he has no medical insurance), food, clothing, recreation. They even pay for his cell phone so that my mom can reach him when he isn’t in the house…the same cell phone he uses to sell drugs. She is so afraid that he is going to kill himself that she wants to shower him with all the love in the world…so, every morning she gets up and makes him a big breakfast of eggs, toast, bacon, etc. He sleeps until noon and has this great meal waiting for him when he gets up. Why would he ever leave such a situation? Why would he ever be motivated to do anything other than use/sell drugs, not work, sleep until noon and steal from my parents? His horrendous behavior is being rewarded on a daily basis and everyone is upset that he doesn’t change. We have talked to her about this too and she even agrees to stop making these big breakfasts for him every day…but then she just can’t help herself and goes back to doing it. And what’s worse, is that if you point it out or say anything about it…you are the villain.
Other than being codependent, it is difficult for me to explain why my parents continue to support him. My mother can’t help herself from giving to him—end of story. My father, though, feels that if he can make life easy for my brother, he will have nothing standing in his way from going back to school, getting a great job and becoming a productive member of society. He really holds onto that idea of him becoming what he has always wanted him to become. My father does not believe he has a disease. He believes he has a choice and that he is a selfish person for making the choices he makes. Drug addiction may technically be a choice, but in my opinion, my father sees things too logically. He is not an addict and has not experienced the powerful force of wanting, needing and longing for a fix. His train of thought goes something like this: I provide him with a home, clothing, food, recreation, necessities and everything else he could possibly need or want. Most people would be grateful and do whatever they can to pay me back, but not him. He is a jerk for indulging in all that we give him and not getting a job or going back to school. Often, I get frustrated and yell at him for this, but he never changes and I don’t understand why. He uses drugs constantly and doesn’t even seem to process what I say. I often threaten to kick him out and while I mean it at the time, I can’t seem to actually do it. Like his mother, I am afraid of what will happen to him if he has no job, no food and no where to go. The one and only time I kicked him out, he cried to his mother for two days until we let him come home…and when he got home, we found out that he had done more drugs in that 48 hour period than and he had in the entire two months prior. I am at a loss for what to do. I am damned if I do and I am damned if I don’t. I think that if I try, I can be strong enough to call the police or kick him out…but I can’t because it would crush my wife’s heart.
They are stuck.
But here’s the thing. I am now in a position to start doing something about it, but I don’t know if it is the right thing to do or not. After I came to stay with my parents three months ago, I found out that I needed surgery. There were many procedures leading up to the surgery, so the surgeon gave me both sedatives and painkillers each time I went in. I preferred to stay as drug free as possible, so I had a lot of pills saved up. Well, needless to say, my brother stole them from me and I had to have them replaced. I blew up and told him that I would call the police if he ever stole from me again. So we had locks put of several doors in the house, including the room that I am staying in. He literally tried to break the door down one day when we were out of the house, but couldn’t get in. But then, he rummaged through my parents’ bedroom and stole the key…so, he just let himself in and stole all of my medicine again. This time, I called the police and it broke my mother’s heart. She cried a lot and it wasn’t hard to see how angry she was at me, although I was the victim.
Now I am faced with the decision of whether or not to press charges. I spoke with the detective and since the sum total of what he stole is less than $500, it would be a misdemeanor and he would most probably be slapped with a fine and probation. I feel horribly guilty even thinking about giving my brother a record, but I want for him to be held accountable for once in his life. My father is very supportive, but my mother is crushed. Since it happened ten days ago, she has had two episodes in which we thought she was having a heart attack. My mother never thinks about herself or complains about anything and for her to have something like this happen was huge. It turns out that both episodes were likely panic attacks brought on by the stress of what is going on between my brother and I. She is terrified that he is going to go to jail and that it will be because I put him there, while she has pretty much dedicated her life to keeping him safe. She has begged me not to press charges and it is very difficult for me to go against her wishes. I now understand my father’s position. He would like to do something about my brother’s addiction and behavior, but my mother stands in his way. And the worst thing about it is that she is so sweet and soft-spoken that you can’t help but feel guilty for hurting her. It would be much easier if she had a strong personality and insisted on her way.
He tells my mother that he has suicidal thoughts and this is one of the reasons that she is terrified of me making his life any worse for him. I don’t know if he is being sincere or not—because he is definitely manipulative—but I do know my brother well and I know that he has had suicidal thoughts before. I have also discussed the situation at length with my other brother, the Deputy District Attorney who prosecutes people like our youngest brother for a living. For years, he has always said that he wouldn’t hesitate to press charges on our brother if he were to steal from him. In fact, he has always urged my parents to call the police when my brother has stolen from them. However, this time things are different. I think he actually fears our brother is having thoughts of suicide and he isn’t so forceful in insisting that I press charges. He won’t say anything at all, in fact. He just says that I need to do what I feel is right.
Another thing that concerns me is that according to my attorney brother, the record would likely make it difficult for our little brother to get a job in the future. My concern, however, isn’t so much for him. It is more for my parents. They are retired and want to enjoy their life. They want for him to “grow up and leave home.” If I make it difficult for him to get a job, am I indirectly making life difficult for my parents? Am I dooming them to a life of caring for and supporting my adult brother?
I know that I have been long winded and I thank you for reading this far. I am faced with a difficult decision and I would love to hear from anyone who has an opinion on this situation.
For relatives: Is giving a loved one a record ever a good thing? Have you done it? Did it help? How have you dealt with the guilt? Did anyone stand in your way and make you feel guilty? Did you fear that the addict in your life would commit suicide? Did they actually hurt themselves? Did making such a big move as pressing charges make a difference in your addict’s life? Am I better to bow out and let my parents handle this themselves, knowing that nothing will ever change? Or am I doing everyone in my family, including my addict brother, a favor by taking the bull by the horns and doing what no one else dares to do?
For those battling addiction: What is the best way to help my addict brother in this situation? Would pressing charges force you to change even a little bit? Would you consider a family member pressing charges to be a wake-up call? Would it help you hit bottom? Would you consider your life a loss and contemplate suicide? I could go on with the questions, but basically, would I be helping or hurting if I were to move forward with holding him accountable for stealing from me.
Thanks in advance to all who respond. Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated.
Best of luck to all and happy holidays!
My family is currently struggling with my youngest brother's addiction. He is 28 years old and his drug(s) of choice is benzodiazepines, particularly Xanax—though he will do pretty much anything he can get his hands on. He lives with my parents and, aside from a few short stints in rehab or elsewhere, he has always lived with them.
I am the sister. I returned to my parents’ home three months ago after losing my position with a firm in another part of the country. Unlike so many others who have lost their jobs in this economy, I am lucky to have a place to stay while seeking a new position.
I have one other brother who is a Deputy District Attorney in another city. He has been a fabulous resource for us, as he truly believes that holding someone accountable for their actions is the only way to rehabilitate them. Holding people accountable is what he does for a living.
I will spare you our history of heartache and will only point out that our youngest brother has always been out of line. He was a mischievous child and was kicked out of several private schools for misbehavior, but never for drugs. We never realized that those behavioral problems foreshadowed his addiction.
He started using about ten years ago, when he was eighteen and was away at college. We didn’t know anything about it and only learned he was using when a young girl who wished to remain anonymous called my parents to tell them that she was worried about the quantity of drugs my brother was doing. We were all shocked and horrified.
Since then, it has only gotten worse. He couldn’t stay in school, moved back into my parents’ home and got a job at a local market. Then, he figured out that he could make more by dealing drugs than he could by working at the market. He started going into the bad parts of town late at night and would come home really messed up. He had people calling his cell phone at all hours. He didn’t have a job, but didn’t seem to have a problem with money…until he owed his dealers more than he was bringing in by selling. Then, he started stealing from my parents. First a few hundred dollars from my father’s wallet, then more. A lot more. He stole their checkbook and attempted to cash checks on their account. He broke into a vintage slot machine that was worth thousands of dollars in order to steal $70 in quarters. He sold many pieces of my father’s coin collection and, according to the coin shop owner, walked away with several thousand dollars. Even last year, my parents spent $40k to send him to a prominent drug rehab facility out of state and he came back worse than ever. He was clean for several months while there, but slipped up, started using and selling at rehab and it all just went downhill from there. It was $40k down the drain in the middle of a horrible economy and it really killed my parents. Yet, he doesn’t seem to care.
What is really difficult for me to understand is the way my parents handle the situation. Sadly, he has never been held accountable for anything in his life and he has learned to simply do as he pleases. When he slips up, my father yells, my mother cries and nothing ever changes. Ever. This has been going on for ten years now and he still lives in their house, pays no rent and continues to use/sell drugs.
It is so easy for me to be critical of the way my parents handle this situation. I am not them and I haven’t walked a mile in their shoes, so it is easy for me to say “kick him out and stop paying for everything.” If he had his way, I think my father would actually kick him out, but my mother constantly stands in his way. There is one thing about my wonderful, shy, sweet, kind, soft-spoken mother…she has always made excuses for my brother’s bad behavior and has unconsciously facilitated it. She is truly codependent.
In the three months that I have been in their home, I am both hurt and baffled by what I have seen. I really feel bad for my father, as he is between the proverbial rock and a hard place. Every time my brother steals something from them, my mother gets upset, but won’t agree to kick him out. My father tries to talk to her about it, but she just can’t stand the thought of him being out in the world all alone. The other day, she even talked about how she dreamed that they kicked him out and he froze in his car. She feels she has to have him close by and in the house or he will die. And they pay for everything…his car insurance, doctor’s bills (he has no medical insurance), food, clothing, recreation. They even pay for his cell phone so that my mom can reach him when he isn’t in the house…the same cell phone he uses to sell drugs. She is so afraid that he is going to kill himself that she wants to shower him with all the love in the world…so, every morning she gets up and makes him a big breakfast of eggs, toast, bacon, etc. He sleeps until noon and has this great meal waiting for him when he gets up. Why would he ever leave such a situation? Why would he ever be motivated to do anything other than use/sell drugs, not work, sleep until noon and steal from my parents? His horrendous behavior is being rewarded on a daily basis and everyone is upset that he doesn’t change. We have talked to her about this too and she even agrees to stop making these big breakfasts for him every day…but then she just can’t help herself and goes back to doing it. And what’s worse, is that if you point it out or say anything about it…you are the villain.
Other than being codependent, it is difficult for me to explain why my parents continue to support him. My mother can’t help herself from giving to him—end of story. My father, though, feels that if he can make life easy for my brother, he will have nothing standing in his way from going back to school, getting a great job and becoming a productive member of society. He really holds onto that idea of him becoming what he has always wanted him to become. My father does not believe he has a disease. He believes he has a choice and that he is a selfish person for making the choices he makes. Drug addiction may technically be a choice, but in my opinion, my father sees things too logically. He is not an addict and has not experienced the powerful force of wanting, needing and longing for a fix. His train of thought goes something like this: I provide him with a home, clothing, food, recreation, necessities and everything else he could possibly need or want. Most people would be grateful and do whatever they can to pay me back, but not him. He is a jerk for indulging in all that we give him and not getting a job or going back to school. Often, I get frustrated and yell at him for this, but he never changes and I don’t understand why. He uses drugs constantly and doesn’t even seem to process what I say. I often threaten to kick him out and while I mean it at the time, I can’t seem to actually do it. Like his mother, I am afraid of what will happen to him if he has no job, no food and no where to go. The one and only time I kicked him out, he cried to his mother for two days until we let him come home…and when he got home, we found out that he had done more drugs in that 48 hour period than and he had in the entire two months prior. I am at a loss for what to do. I am damned if I do and I am damned if I don’t. I think that if I try, I can be strong enough to call the police or kick him out…but I can’t because it would crush my wife’s heart.
They are stuck.
But here’s the thing. I am now in a position to start doing something about it, but I don’t know if it is the right thing to do or not. After I came to stay with my parents three months ago, I found out that I needed surgery. There were many procedures leading up to the surgery, so the surgeon gave me both sedatives and painkillers each time I went in. I preferred to stay as drug free as possible, so I had a lot of pills saved up. Well, needless to say, my brother stole them from me and I had to have them replaced. I blew up and told him that I would call the police if he ever stole from me again. So we had locks put of several doors in the house, including the room that I am staying in. He literally tried to break the door down one day when we were out of the house, but couldn’t get in. But then, he rummaged through my parents’ bedroom and stole the key…so, he just let himself in and stole all of my medicine again. This time, I called the police and it broke my mother’s heart. She cried a lot and it wasn’t hard to see how angry she was at me, although I was the victim.
Now I am faced with the decision of whether or not to press charges. I spoke with the detective and since the sum total of what he stole is less than $500, it would be a misdemeanor and he would most probably be slapped with a fine and probation. I feel horribly guilty even thinking about giving my brother a record, but I want for him to be held accountable for once in his life. My father is very supportive, but my mother is crushed. Since it happened ten days ago, she has had two episodes in which we thought she was having a heart attack. My mother never thinks about herself or complains about anything and for her to have something like this happen was huge. It turns out that both episodes were likely panic attacks brought on by the stress of what is going on between my brother and I. She is terrified that he is going to go to jail and that it will be because I put him there, while she has pretty much dedicated her life to keeping him safe. She has begged me not to press charges and it is very difficult for me to go against her wishes. I now understand my father’s position. He would like to do something about my brother’s addiction and behavior, but my mother stands in his way. And the worst thing about it is that she is so sweet and soft-spoken that you can’t help but feel guilty for hurting her. It would be much easier if she had a strong personality and insisted on her way.
He tells my mother that he has suicidal thoughts and this is one of the reasons that she is terrified of me making his life any worse for him. I don’t know if he is being sincere or not—because he is definitely manipulative—but I do know my brother well and I know that he has had suicidal thoughts before. I have also discussed the situation at length with my other brother, the Deputy District Attorney who prosecutes people like our youngest brother for a living. For years, he has always said that he wouldn’t hesitate to press charges on our brother if he were to steal from him. In fact, he has always urged my parents to call the police when my brother has stolen from them. However, this time things are different. I think he actually fears our brother is having thoughts of suicide and he isn’t so forceful in insisting that I press charges. He won’t say anything at all, in fact. He just says that I need to do what I feel is right.
Another thing that concerns me is that according to my attorney brother, the record would likely make it difficult for our little brother to get a job in the future. My concern, however, isn’t so much for him. It is more for my parents. They are retired and want to enjoy their life. They want for him to “grow up and leave home.” If I make it difficult for him to get a job, am I indirectly making life difficult for my parents? Am I dooming them to a life of caring for and supporting my adult brother?
I know that I have been long winded and I thank you for reading this far. I am faced with a difficult decision and I would love to hear from anyone who has an opinion on this situation.
For relatives: Is giving a loved one a record ever a good thing? Have you done it? Did it help? How have you dealt with the guilt? Did anyone stand in your way and make you feel guilty? Did you fear that the addict in your life would commit suicide? Did they actually hurt themselves? Did making such a big move as pressing charges make a difference in your addict’s life? Am I better to bow out and let my parents handle this themselves, knowing that nothing will ever change? Or am I doing everyone in my family, including my addict brother, a favor by taking the bull by the horns and doing what no one else dares to do?
For those battling addiction: What is the best way to help my addict brother in this situation? Would pressing charges force you to change even a little bit? Would you consider a family member pressing charges to be a wake-up call? Would it help you hit bottom? Would you consider your life a loss and contemplate suicide? I could go on with the questions, but basically, would I be helping or hurting if I were to move forward with holding him accountable for stealing from me.
Thanks in advance to all who respond. Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated.
Best of luck to all and happy holidays!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi and welcome.
Addicts steal from family members because they assume that family members won't press charges. In your brother's case, so far he has been right. He will continue to steal as long as he doesn't get in trouble for it. He will continue to use your parents as long as they allow it. He will continue to use drugs until using them causes him more pain and misery than not using them.
Your mothers codependent "love" (which a sickness) is helping her sons addiction and perpetuating his dishonest, dirty lifestyle. Your father's unwillingness to put his foot down and make his 28 year old baby act like a man is also feeding right into what your brother wants.
It sounds like they are all miles away from recovery. I hope that you find a job and your own place soon so that you can give up your front row seat to the destruction of your family.
In the meantime, maybe take your mom to an alanon or naranon meeting? They are support groups for family members of addicts and alcoholics and very helpful. Also maybe by her a book called "getting them sober."
Maybe it will help her learn about her behavior and help her learn how she can change it.
Addiction is a family disease. You can't change your brother. You can't change your mother. You can't change anyone but yourself. Do the right thing and you won't regret it. You will be able to hold your head up high knowing that you made right choices based on the situation you were put in.
Good luck!
(oh and yeah, if it meant that much to me to save my brother, I would press charges. However, it would probably make everyone else in my family very angry at me. But I have rights and I have boundaries. I will not allow ANYONE to steal from me and use me to continue their drug addiction. If you steal from me. I will press charges. You will go to jail. End of story.)
Addicts steal from family members because they assume that family members won't press charges. In your brother's case, so far he has been right. He will continue to steal as long as he doesn't get in trouble for it. He will continue to use your parents as long as they allow it. He will continue to use drugs until using them causes him more pain and misery than not using them.
Your mothers codependent "love" (which a sickness) is helping her sons addiction and perpetuating his dishonest, dirty lifestyle. Your father's unwillingness to put his foot down and make his 28 year old baby act like a man is also feeding right into what your brother wants.
It sounds like they are all miles away from recovery. I hope that you find a job and your own place soon so that you can give up your front row seat to the destruction of your family.
In the meantime, maybe take your mom to an alanon or naranon meeting? They are support groups for family members of addicts and alcoholics and very helpful. Also maybe by her a book called "getting them sober."
Maybe it will help her learn about her behavior and help her learn how she can change it.
Addiction is a family disease. You can't change your brother. You can't change your mother. You can't change anyone but yourself. Do the right thing and you won't regret it. You will be able to hold your head up high knowing that you made right choices based on the situation you were put in.
Good luck!
(oh and yeah, if it meant that much to me to save my brother, I would press charges. However, it would probably make everyone else in my family very angry at me. But I have rights and I have boundaries. I will not allow ANYONE to steal from me and use me to continue their drug addiction. If you steal from me. I will press charges. You will go to jail. End of story.)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 5
Two fabulous responses. Thank you both for taking the time to read my saga and respond.
Honestly, both. It is wrong for him to break the law, period. His deal is that he seems to think that he can do whatever he wants in life and that he will never suffer any consequences. He needs to know that if he breaks the law, he will get into trouble. I also hope that it will be a step in the right direction toward eventual recovery. I don't think that he is magically going to wake up and turn his life around. I think that he is going to have to go through the pain of the consequences of indulging his addiction...and maybe this could be that first painful, well-deserved experience.
One thing that I didn't mention about my brother is that he is extremely good looking and this has always put him at a colossal advantage in getting whatever he wants. People find him charming. They like to do things for him. Men want to be his buddy and women of all ages seem to swoon over him. My brother feels that he is invincible because people really put him on a pedestal. All that, combined with the fact that he has never been held accountable for anything at home, has made him a very destructive force.
Hello-Kitty, thank you so much for your words. You spelled out the way I feel and I would love for my parents to read your post. I will look into "getting them sober" right away. My mother is a very shy and private person. She is more apt to read a relevant book than attend a relevant meeting. In fact, I have tried to get her to go to a naranon meeting, but she doesn't want to participate. She would, however, gladly sit through an NA meeting with my brother, if we could actually get him to go. As long as she doesn't have to put herself out there or face her own behavior, she'll do it. It is very sad.
One of her biggest issues in life is "reacting" to situations as they arise, instead of being "proactive." She waits until disaster strikes and then tries to fix things. It is actually really sad. For example, her youngest sister was mentally ******** and some decisions needed to be made about her health. My mother knew that and had some ideas, but didn't move fast enough to remedy the situation and her sister died. She also had a brother that, just like my brother, was addicted to Xanax. She was aware of the problems and sort of pretended they didn't exist. He died as well. She does it with her own health too. She has certain things that she ignores and they get worse over time. We beg her to take care of them, but she gets annoyed and upset with us for persisting. We just love her and want her to take care of her health. The only time she has stood up and done something was when she was actually afraid she was having a heart attack twice in the last ten days. They turned out to be panic attacks due to all the stress.
I watch the way she deals with my brother and it drives me insane. He will sit there texting someone like crazy at 10:00 at night, then get up and say he is going to a NA meeting. Then, he comes back twenty minutes later and everyone pretends like they have no idea what just happened. It is almost as if my mother feels that if she can wholly ignore a problem and pretend it doesn't exist, then it doesn't actually exist. But then disaster strikes, like when he wrecked two cars in one month or when we had to take him to he hospital for possible overdose, and she has to face that something is wrong. She can't control his behavior, obviously, but she'd be doing us all a favor if she acknowledged his problems instead of covering them up.
My mom just wants peace in the family at all costs. But in the process of keeping the peace, she creates major problems.
My dad obviously plays a huge role in the family dynamic, but I do feel really sorry for him. My brother robs him and steals things from him, but my mom always protects her son. She empathizes with my dad and tells him how wrong it is, but stands in his way of doing anything. It is strange to see my father acquiesce like that. He has such as strong personality. My mother makes him feel as though he is torturing her when he wants to take action against my brother.
Of course, I feel like crap now too. I heard my parents talking to my other brother the other night about how I want to press charges only because I want "revenge." That really hurt. They really don't get it. Yes, I am mad...but it is about holding this adult child accountable for something that he does that continues to destroy everyone in our family. It is as if they associate "holding someone accountable for their actions" with "causing an unnecessary problem for someone." They think that I AM THE ONE causing the problem. I am just responding to the problem.
It is crazy-making and you're right...I have a front row seat to the destruction to my family. Very well put.
I put in a call to the detective this morning to ask how long I have to make a decision. I want my mother to be at peace with this. I feel weak that I am even letting my mother affect my decision to do what I feel is right.
Would you be pressing charges because it's the right thing to do since he is a criminal and broke the law by stealing from you OR because you think it will make a difference in HIS use of drugs or HIS recovery?
One thing that I didn't mention about my brother is that he is extremely good looking and this has always put him at a colossal advantage in getting whatever he wants. People find him charming. They like to do things for him. Men want to be his buddy and women of all ages seem to swoon over him. My brother feels that he is invincible because people really put him on a pedestal. All that, combined with the fact that he has never been held accountable for anything at home, has made him a very destructive force.
Hello-Kitty, thank you so much for your words. You spelled out the way I feel and I would love for my parents to read your post. I will look into "getting them sober" right away. My mother is a very shy and private person. She is more apt to read a relevant book than attend a relevant meeting. In fact, I have tried to get her to go to a naranon meeting, but she doesn't want to participate. She would, however, gladly sit through an NA meeting with my brother, if we could actually get him to go. As long as she doesn't have to put herself out there or face her own behavior, she'll do it. It is very sad.
One of her biggest issues in life is "reacting" to situations as they arise, instead of being "proactive." She waits until disaster strikes and then tries to fix things. It is actually really sad. For example, her youngest sister was mentally ******** and some decisions needed to be made about her health. My mother knew that and had some ideas, but didn't move fast enough to remedy the situation and her sister died. She also had a brother that, just like my brother, was addicted to Xanax. She was aware of the problems and sort of pretended they didn't exist. He died as well. She does it with her own health too. She has certain things that she ignores and they get worse over time. We beg her to take care of them, but she gets annoyed and upset with us for persisting. We just love her and want her to take care of her health. The only time she has stood up and done something was when she was actually afraid she was having a heart attack twice in the last ten days. They turned out to be panic attacks due to all the stress.
I watch the way she deals with my brother and it drives me insane. He will sit there texting someone like crazy at 10:00 at night, then get up and say he is going to a NA meeting. Then, he comes back twenty minutes later and everyone pretends like they have no idea what just happened. It is almost as if my mother feels that if she can wholly ignore a problem and pretend it doesn't exist, then it doesn't actually exist. But then disaster strikes, like when he wrecked two cars in one month or when we had to take him to he hospital for possible overdose, and she has to face that something is wrong. She can't control his behavior, obviously, but she'd be doing us all a favor if she acknowledged his problems instead of covering them up.
My mom just wants peace in the family at all costs. But in the process of keeping the peace, she creates major problems.
My dad obviously plays a huge role in the family dynamic, but I do feel really sorry for him. My brother robs him and steals things from him, but my mom always protects her son. She empathizes with my dad and tells him how wrong it is, but stands in his way of doing anything. It is strange to see my father acquiesce like that. He has such as strong personality. My mother makes him feel as though he is torturing her when he wants to take action against my brother.
Of course, I feel like crap now too. I heard my parents talking to my other brother the other night about how I want to press charges only because I want "revenge." That really hurt. They really don't get it. Yes, I am mad...but it is about holding this adult child accountable for something that he does that continues to destroy everyone in our family. It is as if they associate "holding someone accountable for their actions" with "causing an unnecessary problem for someone." They think that I AM THE ONE causing the problem. I am just responding to the problem.
It is crazy-making and you're right...I have a front row seat to the destruction to my family. Very well put.
I put in a call to the detective this morning to ask how long I have to make a decision. I want my mother to be at peace with this. I feel weak that I am even letting my mother affect my decision to do what I feel is right.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
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Your brother has absolutely no reason to consider changing anything. He has a roof over his head, a warm bed, hot meals prepared just for him when he feels like waking up, the best health care program out there, car insurance an all that and a cell phone. I suspect mom does his laundry, too.
And when this is not enough, he can steal again and again, cause no one is going to press charges without mom flipping out.
Sensing you are not quite ready to leave home here's a few alternatives to consider.....
Hire a qualified person to do an intervention for your mother. Her enabling him will put him into an earlier grave than his own behaviors. She may respond better hearing from a stranger that addiction is progressive with only two outcomes, institutionalization or death. His grave stone will likely read
"mom loved me to death".
When and if that's not enough for mom to see her own role in this, get out of their way. Accept what you cannot change and get out of your parent's house and let them do, what they do. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this. It's your choice to go down with the ship, or not.
And when this is not enough, he can steal again and again, cause no one is going to press charges without mom flipping out.
Sensing you are not quite ready to leave home here's a few alternatives to consider.....
Hire a qualified person to do an intervention for your mother. Her enabling him will put him into an earlier grave than his own behaviors. She may respond better hearing from a stranger that addiction is progressive with only two outcomes, institutionalization or death. His grave stone will likely read
"mom loved me to death".
When and if that's not enough for mom to see her own role in this, get out of their way. Accept what you cannot change and get out of your parent's house and let them do, what they do. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this. It's your choice to go down with the ship, or not.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
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Reading your response, my sense is that you might have too many expectations associated with pressing charges. It is highly unlikely that this is going to result in much of anything other than a domestic he said/she said thing. It's unlikely he is going to spend a minute in a cell. And in the off chance, he is arrested and needs bail, sounds like he will be out and about in a wink, thanks to your parents.
Most of us come here sharing a character trait with the addicted people we care about. Neither they or we are able to cope well with life as it is, instead of how we want it to be.
Consider getting mom/dad a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. A used copy is available on Amazon for about $2 or at your local library. Heck, pick up 2 copies and keep one for yourself.
Most of us come here sharing a character trait with the addicted people we care about. Neither they or we are able to cope well with life as it is, instead of how we want it to be.
Consider getting mom/dad a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. A used copy is available on Amazon for about $2 or at your local library. Heck, pick up 2 copies and keep one for yourself.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 13
Maya, welcome. I'm sorry for the circumstances that bring you here, and also about your job. I hope that changes for you soon.
Your family sounds so much like mine -- and your mother sounds like me, complete with the anxiety attacks.
I have an adult addict son who continues to live at home, and my husband and I repeat the same behaviors over and over. We have finally started to recognize this, and are trying to change our behavior but it's slow progress. We have asked our son to leave numerous times, but somehow we always end up giving in and allowing him to stay.
Addicts are masters of manipulation. My son always tells me that he "doesn't want to live" and thinks about ending it all. I can't tell you how frightened it makes me feel, but one thing that a counselor told me helped a lot - the addict is slowly killing themself anyway, and by enabling I am just helping with that. I used to always try to make everything better when he was like that, but I don't do that anymore. I can't say that someone won't commit suicide, but I know my son uses that threat to manipulate me. So far, he has not hurt himself (except for the drug use, of course).
My addict has stolen from me and other family members, and so far no one has pressed charges, and so it continues. Addiction is progressive, and if you don't press charges I think it is just a matter of time until he steals from someone who will.
"Another thing that concerns me is that according to my attorney brother, the record would likely make it difficult for our little brother to get a job in the future. My concern, however, isn’t so much for him. It is more for my parents. They are retired and want to enjoy their life. They want for him to “grow up and leave home.” If I make it difficult for him to get a job, am I indirectly making life difficult for my parents? Am I dooming them to a life of caring for and supporting my adult brother?"
Please know that you are not responsible for the actions of others. Not to sound harsh, but it sounds to me like it is probably already difficult for him to get a good job. And you can not doom your parents to anything - they are already doing it.
Your parents are lucky to have you. I can tell you care deeply and are worried about how your decision will affect your mother. They will probably have to hit their own personal bottom as far as what they are willing to live with. Until then, you really can't change things. You can, however, set your own boundaries and if that means pressing charges you should do so. Please take care of yourself. I highly recommend al-anon to you, and your parents as well.
Remember we are all here for you.
Your family sounds so much like mine -- and your mother sounds like me, complete with the anxiety attacks.
I have an adult addict son who continues to live at home, and my husband and I repeat the same behaviors over and over. We have finally started to recognize this, and are trying to change our behavior but it's slow progress. We have asked our son to leave numerous times, but somehow we always end up giving in and allowing him to stay.
Addicts are masters of manipulation. My son always tells me that he "doesn't want to live" and thinks about ending it all. I can't tell you how frightened it makes me feel, but one thing that a counselor told me helped a lot - the addict is slowly killing themself anyway, and by enabling I am just helping with that. I used to always try to make everything better when he was like that, but I don't do that anymore. I can't say that someone won't commit suicide, but I know my son uses that threat to manipulate me. So far, he has not hurt himself (except for the drug use, of course).
My addict has stolen from me and other family members, and so far no one has pressed charges, and so it continues. Addiction is progressive, and if you don't press charges I think it is just a matter of time until he steals from someone who will.
"Another thing that concerns me is that according to my attorney brother, the record would likely make it difficult for our little brother to get a job in the future. My concern, however, isn’t so much for him. It is more for my parents. They are retired and want to enjoy their life. They want for him to “grow up and leave home.” If I make it difficult for him to get a job, am I indirectly making life difficult for my parents? Am I dooming them to a life of caring for and supporting my adult brother?"
Please know that you are not responsible for the actions of others. Not to sound harsh, but it sounds to me like it is probably already difficult for him to get a good job. And you can not doom your parents to anything - they are already doing it.
Your parents are lucky to have you. I can tell you care deeply and are worried about how your decision will affect your mother. They will probably have to hit their own personal bottom as far as what they are willing to live with. Until then, you really can't change things. You can, however, set your own boundaries and if that means pressing charges you should do so. Please take care of yourself. I highly recommend al-anon to you, and your parents as well.
Remember we are all here for you.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 83
To answer your original question, no it is not a betrayal. He has already stolen from you, and in doing so has betrayed YOUR trust, so pressing charges against HIM would not be a betrayal in light of that fact.
I am not a lawyer so do not regard this as infallible legal advice, but in most states a misdemeanor conviction, particularly a non-violent one, can be expunged from an individuals record if he/she behave themselves for a couple of years thereafter. It does not permamently shut doors the way a felony does.
Your parents are clearly living in fantasy land, I'm afraid to say. They have idealized dreams about what your brother will achieve while clearly denying that in reality he is not even close to achieving such lofty goals. As several other people have already alluded to, he has absolutely no incentive whatsoever to modify his behavior in view of the fact that every necessity is already provided for by your parents as well as some luxuries to boot. Moreover, he has probably twigged on to the fact that they are unwilling or unable to hold him accountable for his actions, and will use that to his maximum advantage to continue his drinking/drug use which at the moment is clearly his only priority. Concerns about a record impairing his ability to find future employment are fairly irrelevant when at the moment he cannot even be bothered to finish college.
Some food for thought - if he is dealing drugs out of your parents house, or so much as keeping drugs in your parents house, or even negotiating drug deals on his cell phone while he is in your parents house, then it is possible your parents could be implicated should law enforcement ever catch on to what he is up to, which sooner or later will happen. Nothing will get private property (including a home) confiscated faster than its owner being implicated in a drug conspiracy, regardless of whether they are in fact guilty or not. Your older brother can probably better advise on this, but you should know, and make your parents aware, that his behavior might ultimately have serious consequences for THEM.
I think intervening on your mother first sounds like a good idea, and as someone else mentioned I strongly suggest that you check out al-anon or nar-anon for some F2F. Ultimately though, if the family dysfunction does not cease, I hope you can remove yourself from the situation as fast as possible. Remember the 3 C's - you did not cause, nor can you control or cure the situation you described. It is theirs to own, not yours to fix.
I hope whatever the outcome that things work out for you.
I am not a lawyer so do not regard this as infallible legal advice, but in most states a misdemeanor conviction, particularly a non-violent one, can be expunged from an individuals record if he/she behave themselves for a couple of years thereafter. It does not permamently shut doors the way a felony does.
Your parents are clearly living in fantasy land, I'm afraid to say. They have idealized dreams about what your brother will achieve while clearly denying that in reality he is not even close to achieving such lofty goals. As several other people have already alluded to, he has absolutely no incentive whatsoever to modify his behavior in view of the fact that every necessity is already provided for by your parents as well as some luxuries to boot. Moreover, he has probably twigged on to the fact that they are unwilling or unable to hold him accountable for his actions, and will use that to his maximum advantage to continue his drinking/drug use which at the moment is clearly his only priority. Concerns about a record impairing his ability to find future employment are fairly irrelevant when at the moment he cannot even be bothered to finish college.
Some food for thought - if he is dealing drugs out of your parents house, or so much as keeping drugs in your parents house, or even negotiating drug deals on his cell phone while he is in your parents house, then it is possible your parents could be implicated should law enforcement ever catch on to what he is up to, which sooner or later will happen. Nothing will get private property (including a home) confiscated faster than its owner being implicated in a drug conspiracy, regardless of whether they are in fact guilty or not. Your older brother can probably better advise on this, but you should know, and make your parents aware, that his behavior might ultimately have serious consequences for THEM.
I think intervening on your mother first sounds like a good idea, and as someone else mentioned I strongly suggest that you check out al-anon or nar-anon for some F2F. Ultimately though, if the family dysfunction does not cease, I hope you can remove yourself from the situation as fast as possible. Remember the 3 C's - you did not cause, nor can you control or cure the situation you described. It is theirs to own, not yours to fix.
I hope whatever the outcome that things work out for you.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
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I feel like so much less of a villain after reading all of your responses. Thank you so much for your thoughts and words.
This is a very interesting suggestion. I had no idea that such a thing was even an option. This is all very new to me. I would love to do something like this, though I am sure she would be embarrassed, humiliated and hurt that I let anyone else know that our family is not as it seems on the outside. She would feel betrayed...and this is what makes pretty much everything impossible when she is involved. I do think it is worth the anger it would cause, though. I will look into it.
I truly don't have high expectations in pressing charges. Since it would be a misdemeanor, the detective who is handling the case said that the maximum he could get would be 11 months 29 days in jail--but the chances of that happening are very slim. Most likely, he would just get a fine and probation. So, my interest in pressing charges isn't to get him some jail time and rehab or anything like that. I just think that holding him accountable for his actions for once would be a first step in the right direction. I also think that it might be a little bit of a wake-up call for him because no one has ever called the police on him before. That is my hope, anyway.
pray4serenity, thank you so much for you heart-felt post. It does sound as though our families are similar and it is so helpful for me to hear things from someone whose behavior is or has been similar to that of my parents. The fact that you participate in this forum, have seen a counselor and acknowledge that your son uses the threat of suicide to manipulate you and your husband tells me that you are light years ahead of my parents in your journey. My mother would never speak to a counselor about herself. She has this thing where if she can just ignore certain problems, then it is like they don't actually exist. Seeing a therapist would mean acknowledging her own problems. She knows that she gives too much--that much she will acknowledge--but a therapist would push her to consider why she does it and that would open doors that have long been shut. And as far as my brother talking about ending his life goes, she doesn't believe that he could be manipulating her. She truly believes that he is tired of his life.
I have such a difficult time understanding my mother. She never willingly talks about this situation...and, to me, it seems like that would be the first logical step. In fact, every time anyone tries to discuss things, she is very quick to shut them down. I mean, she will slip my brother money for dinner, someone will notice, say something about it...and she immediately stops them because she doesn't want to hear it. Then, if you try to talk to her about it calmly later, she shuts you down again. And when I say that "she shuts you down," I mean that she gets agitated and almost panics.
But then last night, we sat in front of the Christmas tree with two bottles of wine and talked. The wine helped a lot. She revealed more about the way she feels than she ever has in the past. She told me that she literally feels that every addict does NOT have to hit bottom in order to turn his/her life around. She says that all situations are different and she thinks that he can turn his life around without having to go through any pain. I am so shocked by this and I don't even know what to say. All I know is that just like she cannot make my brother kick his habits, I cannot make her understand how wrong she is.
My District Attorney brother and I have actually discussed this at length. My parents would not be at fault in our particular situation, so we aren't worried about that. We all know what he does, but we never see any drugs and we don't think he keeps them in the home. Anyway, as I said, from a legal standpoint, my brother seems to feel that they cannot be implicated. However, and I hate to admit this, they have done things like pay off his dealers in the past. They live in an affluent area of town and once even had a couple of thug types show up at their front door saying that their son owed them a lot of money. My brother was afraid of them and so they paid them off so that they would leave him (and them) alone. It hurts me to even write that.
Hire a qualified person to do an intervention for your mother. Her enabling him will put him into an earlier grave than his own behaviors. She may respond better hearing from a stranger that addiction is progressive with only two outcomes, institutionalization or death. His grave stone will likely read
"mom loved me to death".
"mom loved me to death".
Reading your response, my sense is that you might have too many expectations associated with pressing charges. It is highly unlikely that this is going to result in much of anything other than a domestic he said/she said thing. It's unlikely he is going to spend a minute in a cell. And in the off chance, he is arrested and needs bail, sounds like he will be out and about in a wink, thanks to your parents.
pray4serenity, thank you so much for you heart-felt post. It does sound as though our families are similar and it is so helpful for me to hear things from someone whose behavior is or has been similar to that of my parents. The fact that you participate in this forum, have seen a counselor and acknowledge that your son uses the threat of suicide to manipulate you and your husband tells me that you are light years ahead of my parents in your journey. My mother would never speak to a counselor about herself. She has this thing where if she can just ignore certain problems, then it is like they don't actually exist. Seeing a therapist would mean acknowledging her own problems. She knows that she gives too much--that much she will acknowledge--but a therapist would push her to consider why she does it and that would open doors that have long been shut. And as far as my brother talking about ending his life goes, she doesn't believe that he could be manipulating her. She truly believes that he is tired of his life.
I have such a difficult time understanding my mother. She never willingly talks about this situation...and, to me, it seems like that would be the first logical step. In fact, every time anyone tries to discuss things, she is very quick to shut them down. I mean, she will slip my brother money for dinner, someone will notice, say something about it...and she immediately stops them because she doesn't want to hear it. Then, if you try to talk to her about it calmly later, she shuts you down again. And when I say that "she shuts you down," I mean that she gets agitated and almost panics.
But then last night, we sat in front of the Christmas tree with two bottles of wine and talked. The wine helped a lot. She revealed more about the way she feels than she ever has in the past. She told me that she literally feels that every addict does NOT have to hit bottom in order to turn his/her life around. She says that all situations are different and she thinks that he can turn his life around without having to go through any pain. I am so shocked by this and I don't even know what to say. All I know is that just like she cannot make my brother kick his habits, I cannot make her understand how wrong she is.
Some food for thought - if he is dealing drugs out of your parents house, or so much as keeping drugs in your parents house, or even negotiating drug deals on his cell phone while he is in your parents house, then it is possible your parents could be implicated should law enforcement ever catch on to what he is up to, which sooner or later will happen. Nothing will get private property (including a home) confiscated faster than its owner being implicated in a drug conspiracy, regardless of whether they are in fact guilty or not. Your older brother can probably better advise on this, but you should know, and make your parents aware, that his behavior might ultimately have serious consequences for THEM.
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Originally Posted by MayaHopes 
But then last night, we sat in front of the Christmas tree with two bottles of wine and talked. The wine helped a lot. She revealed more about the way she feels than she ever has in the past. She told me that she literally feels that every addict does NOT have to hit bottom in order to turn his/her life around. She says that all situations are different and she thinks that he can turn his life around without having to go through any pain. I am so shocked by this and I don't even know what to say. All I know is that just like she cannot make my brother kick his habits, I cannot make her understand how wrong she is.
An interventionist cannot make this situation worse. It also cannot guarantee gettign through to mom and dad. If mom were to see her own role in all of this, is it possible dad might jump in cover her bases?
I am thinking that nothing will come from pressing charges. You cannot prove he took your meds. It's a domestic situation. It's likely to be thrown out of court, which he will, no doubt, use to demonstrate that he is the winner.
Reality is, when there is addiction in the family, everyone loses.
You cannot compel mom, dad or your brother to change. If they remain in denial about their roles, what are you going to do for your own sanity? What you do has no bearing on what they do, or not. You have a choice in all this, too.
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She told me that she literally feels that every addict does NOT have to hit bottom in order to turn his/her life around. She says that all situations are different and she thinks that he can turn his life around without having to go through any pain.
"The Science of Addiction: From Neurobiology to Treatment" is another really good book to look into.
Prayers on the way for your family.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 5
I am thinking that nothing will come from pressing charges. You cannot prove he took your meds. It's a domestic situation. It's likely to be thrown out of court, which he will, no doubt, use to demonstrate that he is the winner.
I'd like to invite your parents to speak with a neurologist. People have a tendency to view addiction in emotional terms, forgetting there is medical science involved. One look at addict brain scans would change their minds. They would understand his brain is hijacked and it takes something monumental to shock and stop the cycle his brain is in.
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As a recovering addict, I can tell you for sure that pressing charges is not the thing that will propel him to suicide. If he threatens that to manipulate you out of pressing charges, I probably wouldn't credit it, but if I thought it was even a possibility, I'd seek an emergency petition and get him committed against his will based on the threat for a period of observation. If he's bluffing, he won't do it again if he gets hauled off to a padded cell for 48 hours as a result. Lots of addicts do die from addiction. That is a cold, hard fact. But we can't stop them. You didn't cause his addiction, and you can't control it, and you also can't cure it. He would have to want to change. Until then, your family would do best to get a healthy distance from it. Your best move at this point is to read the above named book, Codependent No More, by Melodie Beatty.
Although addiction is a disease, it is still right, and often helpful, to hold addicts responsible and accountable for their behavior. It is the right thing to do to continue to press charges. Even though it may not result in much punishment, his addiction will come up before the judge and he should get the option of court-ordered drug treatment at the trial. And who knows? He may just accept.
Love,
KJ
Although addiction is a disease, it is still right, and often helpful, to hold addicts responsible and accountable for their behavior. It is the right thing to do to continue to press charges. Even though it may not result in much punishment, his addiction will come up before the judge and he should get the option of court-ordered drug treatment at the trial. And who knows? He may just accept.
Love,
KJ
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i guess its time for me to add my 2cents, i think it not betrayal for you to press charges if you choose to, imo, it was him who betrayed you by going into your room and taking your meds.
suffering the concequence of my actions helped me to find my bottom. everyones bottom is not the same though. i think it might be better for him to have to suffer the consequences for his minor offenses rather than wait until he progresses to major ones.
regardless of what, the decision is still yours so i think maybe you should do what you think is best for you to do. even if you decide to press charges, try not to have high expectations of him learning any lessons or wanting to change....
suffering the concequence of my actions helped me to find my bottom. everyones bottom is not the same though. i think it might be better for him to have to suffer the consequences for his minor offenses rather than wait until he progresses to major ones.
regardless of what, the decision is still yours so i think maybe you should do what you think is best for you to do. even if you decide to press charges, try not to have high expectations of him learning any lessons or wanting to change....
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TK and Teke, thank you for piping in. It is really helpful for me to hear from people who understand my brother's mind. TK, I am really relieved to hear that you feel his suicide talk is likely more manipulative than it is serious. And Teke, it sounds as though you really benefited from being held accountable for your actions. That is what I want for my brother.
Well, per everyone's suggestion, I went out and bought Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty and gave it to my mother this evening. I didn't say anything other than it came highly recommended for people in her situation. She thanked me, but it didn't go over well. I think she felt a little insulted and, if she reads it, I think that she'll feel even more insulted. I know that I can't do any more than this. As many of you have pointed out, we cannot control or cure the addicts in our lives. Likewise, I cannot control or cure my mother's codependency.
I also slipped up tonight. My mother came to me and cried, asking me not to press charges. After a long discussion and a lot of pressure, I told her that I will give him two weeks to enroll himself in rehab and to make a serious effort to find a job that doesn't involve selling drugs. If he abides, I won't press charges. If he doesn't, I'll pick up the phone and make the call. Two weeks. I have read through so many of the threads in this forum. I know that giving our addict a deadline to meet certain expectations is useless and wrong. I feel really ashamed for having backed down.
My mother's pain melts my heart, but the pressure she puts on anyone who threatens to make life difficult for my brother angers me deeply. My mother is the kindest, most positive person in the world and she would never manipulate anyone...but she certainly doesn't hesitate to pressure people to play this game her way.
Just as she gives into my brother, my father and I give into her.
Honestly, I just feel like this isn't my problem and that I should try to enjoy the holidays and then search hard for a new position elsewhere as soon as the new year begins. The longer I am in their home, the more my mother suffers. She feels that I am too critical and that I am constantly causing heartache because I don't agree with the way they are handling the situation with this addict that we all love so much. In a way, she feels that I am the one tearing the family apart...not my addict brother. She obviously knows that he has a problem, but her biggest thing in life is keeping the peace...and when someone suggests to her that she is "loving him to death," she feels that I am disrupting the peace.
This is crazymaking.
Well, per everyone's suggestion, I went out and bought Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty and gave it to my mother this evening. I didn't say anything other than it came highly recommended for people in her situation. She thanked me, but it didn't go over well. I think she felt a little insulted and, if she reads it, I think that she'll feel even more insulted. I know that I can't do any more than this. As many of you have pointed out, we cannot control or cure the addicts in our lives. Likewise, I cannot control or cure my mother's codependency.
I also slipped up tonight. My mother came to me and cried, asking me not to press charges. After a long discussion and a lot of pressure, I told her that I will give him two weeks to enroll himself in rehab and to make a serious effort to find a job that doesn't involve selling drugs. If he abides, I won't press charges. If he doesn't, I'll pick up the phone and make the call. Two weeks. I have read through so many of the threads in this forum. I know that giving our addict a deadline to meet certain expectations is useless and wrong. I feel really ashamed for having backed down.
My mother's pain melts my heart, but the pressure she puts on anyone who threatens to make life difficult for my brother angers me deeply. My mother is the kindest, most positive person in the world and she would never manipulate anyone...but she certainly doesn't hesitate to pressure people to play this game her way.
Just as she gives into my brother, my father and I give into her.
Honestly, I just feel like this isn't my problem and that I should try to enjoy the holidays and then search hard for a new position elsewhere as soon as the new year begins. The longer I am in their home, the more my mother suffers. She feels that I am too critical and that I am constantly causing heartache because I don't agree with the way they are handling the situation with this addict that we all love so much. In a way, she feels that I am the one tearing the family apart...not my addict brother. She obviously knows that he has a problem, but her biggest thing in life is keeping the peace...and when someone suggests to her that she is "loving him to death," she feels that I am disrupting the peace.
This is crazymaking.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i'm really so sorry but you are right, there really is nothing you can do to make your brother want to stop using and i do understand you not wanting to see your mother hurting. i think you are a loving daughter and sister. sounds like you do have a good plan, finding a new position and separating yourself from the chaos. your mom and dad may just have to go through what they have to go through until they have had enough and is ready to seek help for themselves.
it is such a sad thing to watch. i lost my little brother to addiction and there was nothing we could do but step back and try to keep focusing on us. he did what he wanted to do until he couldn't do it any more.
it is such a sad thing to watch. i lost my little brother to addiction and there was nothing we could do but step back and try to keep focusing on us. he did what he wanted to do until he couldn't do it any more.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Wow, Maya, your story is so sad 
I have an addicted son (19) also, though he seems to be doing much better now -- I kicked him out when he relapsed after 6-week rehab and he had to go live in a sober house to get any support from us. He learned a lot, I think. He's off to technical school in January and I have high hopes but I am ready to pull the rug out from under him again at any time that I see failing grades (a sure sign) or evidence of drug use. Is it easy? Hell no. Doing the right thing rarely is.
The one thing that keeps me motivated is this: If I enable him, I am killing him. He knows I love him with all my heart but that I won't support his drug use in any fashion or form. I tell him all the time that he is welcome to live his life however he chooses, but he is now very clear about the consequences of using. With the help of these wonderful people at SR, I've learned that worry, bargaining, cajoling, or begging will not change the outcome--he will use if he chooses. If he falls, he knows what he needs to do to get better. He is in God's hands, so I just pray for him. I know I sound like a cold b*tch, but frankly I am proud of myself -- I know I am saving both of our lives.
HBO had an excellent series about the entire subject which you can read/view here: HBO: Addiction
A&E's show "Intervention" is also eye-opening.
Best of luck to you! Please hang around SR -- you'll be glad you did.
I have an addicted son (19) also, though he seems to be doing much better now -- I kicked him out when he relapsed after 6-week rehab and he had to go live in a sober house to get any support from us. He learned a lot, I think. He's off to technical school in January and I have high hopes but I am ready to pull the rug out from under him again at any time that I see failing grades (a sure sign) or evidence of drug use. Is it easy? Hell no. Doing the right thing rarely is.
The one thing that keeps me motivated is this: If I enable him, I am killing him. He knows I love him with all my heart but that I won't support his drug use in any fashion or form. I tell him all the time that he is welcome to live his life however he chooses, but he is now very clear about the consequences of using. With the help of these wonderful people at SR, I've learned that worry, bargaining, cajoling, or begging will not change the outcome--he will use if he chooses. If he falls, he knows what he needs to do to get better. He is in God's hands, so I just pray for him. I know I sound like a cold b*tch, but frankly I am proud of myself -- I know I am saving both of our lives.
HBO had an excellent series about the entire subject which you can read/view here: HBO: Addiction
A&E's show "Intervention" is also eye-opening.
Best of luck to you! Please hang around SR -- you'll be glad you did.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
I am really sorry about all of this. I would press charges if you feel strongly about it as the right thing to do for yourself. This is my opinion and only my opinion though I don't think that a misdemeanor crime is going to make your brother have a life altering change of heart and it won't give him jail time if he doesn't already have a record. The job thing I'm not so sure of either-usually applications ask if you have ever been convicted of a felon not a misdemeanor. The reason I'm so cynical is my husband who is a college educated, professional "law-abiding" man with no criminal history became addicted to Oxicontin and when it spun out of control he turned to Rx fraud to get the amount he needed to survive. He went to rehab last December on his own and unbeknown to us was under investigation at the time. He was charged in March and just recently was found guilty of 2 offenses in one jurisdiction. He was sentenced to 10 years probation with 2 years active (meaning weekly check-ins). He got no jail time because of he had no prior history of criminal behavior, his status in the community and because of his commitment to staying clean. In another jurisdiction the judge is giving him a break and in one year if he comes back with no blemishes all charges will be dropped to misdemeanors. His lawyer is petitioning the first jurisdiction to follow suit. My husband who had never so much as jay walked (ok, he does speed though) is now a convicted felon! Did it change him? Well, we thought it did. He worked so hard on his own to get clean and stay clean, but within days of being found guilty he started using again. He has even been randomly chosen for drug testing and has passed despite being on Oxi.
Your brother is an addict and honestly consequences don't seem to compute with them. Pressing charges would be more for you and maybe even a way to show him YOU won't take his behavior. I seriously doubt it will make him accountable for his actions. It might make him more aware not to mess with you anymore, but it won't change how he treats others.
Your brother is an addict and honestly consequences don't seem to compute with them. Pressing charges would be more for you and maybe even a way to show him YOU won't take his behavior. I seriously doubt it will make him accountable for his actions. It might make him more aware not to mess with you anymore, but it won't change how he treats others.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
"I spoke with the detective and since the sum total of what he stole is less than $500, it would be a misdemeanor and he would most probably be slapped with a fine and probation. I feel horribly guilty even thinking about giving my brother a record, but I want for him to be held accountable for once in his life."
You won't be giving your brother a record. A JUDGE WILL.
You won't be giving your brother a record. A JUDGE WILL.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
I am really relieved to hear that you feel his suicide talk is likely more manipulative than it is serious.
I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. It's like being a ping pong ball on a marble floor! I do want to share with you something however. My fiance overdosed in our bed 11-29-09. I awoke next to him dead. The very day before he did say something along the lines of "if i thought i could slit my wrists and it all be over i would". I'm compelled to tell you that I viewed it as a manipulation tactic and NEVER in a million years did I think he would actually act upon it. He died of an accidental overdose, not suicide. But, I'm telling you this. MY HOME was labeled a "crime scene" and the Deputy I shared this tid bit with warned me not to repeat it to anyone. Clearly, when someone declares suicide thoughts, the ears that hear it are supposed to do something to get the individual to a safe place for evaluation.
I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. It's like being a ping pong ball on a marble floor! I do want to share with you something however. My fiance overdosed in our bed 11-29-09. I awoke next to him dead. The very day before he did say something along the lines of "if i thought i could slit my wrists and it all be over i would". I'm compelled to tell you that I viewed it as a manipulation tactic and NEVER in a million years did I think he would actually act upon it. He died of an accidental overdose, not suicide. But, I'm telling you this. MY HOME was labeled a "crime scene" and the Deputy I shared this tid bit with warned me not to repeat it to anyone. Clearly, when someone declares suicide thoughts, the ears that hear it are supposed to do something to get the individual to a safe place for evaluation.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Hmmm....well the idea was for you to read the book. After all, you can't recover from codependency for your mother, but you can for yourself. Reading that book would help you to learn not to "give in to your mother" as you put it. Your recovery is the only one you can work. That is the bad news. The good news is that when you work your recovery, you will begin to feel a lot better and the people around you and their craziness won't get to you in the same way. One day at a time, and easy does it!
Love,
KJ
Love,
KJ
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