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How do I get past the hurt?

Old 12-20-2009, 06:51 PM
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How do I get past the hurt?

How do I get past the fact that he was chosen drugs over me? I try to believe that I don't care anymore and most of the time I wish he was gone forever. I know all the things I'm supposed to do. Why do I have to hit bottom?
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Old 12-20-2009, 07:37 PM
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Hi,

I just wanted to tell you I know how you feel. My Addict has been gone now for 3 weeks since I changed the locks and made him leave. It has been hard to watch the major reality of him choosing the drug over me. I literally am watching him choose it over me.

BUT, I have learned that he really is not choosing it over me. He still loves me somewhere deep down inside. But, he is an adddict and is a prisoner of METH. It is sad to watch but I just take it one day at a time and have to tell myself everyday...multiple times a day that I am in a better place without him in my life. I also pray for him to find himself and LOVE himself someday. That is all we can do. I know it hurts deep to the core, but don't let it consume you. Try and find things in your daily life to be happy about and just realize that he is lost to his addiction and hopefully my addict and your addict will someday find their WAY home...it may not be our home but hopefully they find their way back to reality and to a drug free life.

Take care of yourself.
Tammy
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Old 12-20-2009, 08:10 PM
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I think I've pushed all this way to the back of my mind for several months so I could take my classes and take care of my kids. But now classes are over for now so it's overwhelming me again. I have to give up on the hope that he will someday at least understand. I'll find a new hope.
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Old 12-20-2009, 10:27 PM
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i agree with cynical, i'm a ra and i can tell you from experience, its not about you. being an addict is like being in prison, locked away and having no control over addiction. its a miserable life to live and there is nothing you can do but take care of you.

like tchappy says, do whatever you have to do to keep your mind occupied. do whatever you can lose your thoughts about him in doing. minute by minute, it will get easier.
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Old 12-21-2009, 02:51 AM
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I, too, agree with ((Cynical)). I'm an RA and it wasn't that I stopped loving anyone...I just didn't think about anything but using. My DOC was crack. I can't tell you how many times I'd think about how I was hurting my family, and my answer was....hit the crack pipe and forget. Every time I did something that I knew would cause a bad consequence? I'd tell myself "I'll deal with it later...when I'm clean" and hit the crack pipe.

I left my XABF because he wouldn't stop using. I just found out, this week, that he died earlier this month....in a crack house. Yes, I'm very hurt and sad. I haven't seen him since his mom's funeral, almost 2 years ago, but I had written to him when he was in jail, mainly to tell him how well I was doing, hoping that it would spark him to do something with his life (wishful thinking). I know, in my heart that he loved me, he just couldn't love me the way I needed him to love me. I also know that we couldn't be together...he chose drugs and I chose life.

The pain? It takes a while, but as time goes by and we focus on moving on with our lives, those gut-wrenching days get farther and farther apart.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 12-21-2009, 07:46 AM
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Hi there. Merry Christmas.

My husband has been an addict all his life. When I met him, he had substantial clean time and was a substance abuse counselor. He relapsed. Several times. Finally, this past July, after multiple detoxes and treatment centers over the past two years, I told him to leave and never to come back. Life had been unmanagable for a very long time and I was weary of it and constantly living in fear.

He left. For the street. He was homeless (literally sleeping in his truck) for several months, binging on drugs and drinking. He finally found his way to a homeless shelter and lived in one of those for several months. In the shelter, amazingly enough, he got clean and found a transitional living facility for homeless veterans. He had to give clean urinanyliss for a month before they would take him and now he's going to be there for 12 to 18 months. He can stay as long as 2 years which he needs to do.

Statistically a person doesn't stop thinking like an addict for 18 mo. to 2 years. Post acute withdrawals.

The way I got through the madness was to stay very busy like you are. I threw myself into Celebrate Recovery, friends, family, work, etc. to keep my brain occupied and to quit worrying about whether my husband was dead in a crack house or dead in a ditch or behaving like a criminal to support his habit. He was in the same town. People I knew saw him and said he looked homeless and like an addict and oh my gosh, my stomach would knot up and I had to fight the urge so many times to charge in, rescue him and save the day.

I had to release him to God's care. Seriously. I would picture myself carrying him in my arms like a child and placing him at God's feet and walking away. I did this ALOT. I had to realize that what I had been doing in the past, cushioning his fall, was not helping him or me. I always gave him a soft place to land because I was the loving supportive wife. Letting him be homeless has been the hardest and most painful thing I have ever done. People on SR kept telling me to get out of the way and let the process work itself out and I refused to do it any way but my way and it bit me in the butt every time.

They were right. It's not about lack of love on the addicts part. They can't just stop and they can't care about anything but getting high until the high isn't enough for them anymore. It doesn't do the trick anymore and they are as miserable high as they are not being high. When they have had enough, they will stop (or die using). All you can do right now is take care of yourself. Love yourself enough to prepare to move forward with your life. Try not to feel guilty - be glad that you aren't an addict and that you DO have the ability to control your life and be successful. If he gets clean, he will most likely find you. If he gets in a program and works his steps, he may only reach you to make amends for the harm he's done. It's all a part of the healing process (for both of you).

Put one foot in front of the other every day and it will get easier. We have triggers too....a song, a place, maybe a certain food or movie. When you get triggered, feel what you need to feel and put one foot in front of the other again. Keep moving and don't get stuck like he is. Keep moving, keep living and live well - without guilt. That's the hardest part.
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Old 12-21-2009, 11:37 AM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post


It's not personal. They don't use AT us, they don't use because of us, they don't use to hurt us, they don't use to anger us, they don't use to disappoint us. They're addicts doing what addicts do. And, it has nothing to do with us.
These and similar words became my mantra. My daughter's addiction is not personal. There is no rational reason why I should feel hurt or betrayed because she chooses to do something I do not. Therefore, the emotions I feel are my own and have more to do with my own needs to control her than anything else.

In otherwords, I have a choice to make someone else's addiction about me, or not.
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Old 12-21-2009, 08:32 PM
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paprika,

all of these kind a beautiful people speak the truth.

but there is something that is also real - it is called grief. when i would drive around and sob because i missed my man so much, it was just the worst. you wanna get away from it, out of it, so bad and faster than is realistic. but the pain of losing someone lasts for awhile. then it starts to get more manageable, and you start to heal.
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Old 12-22-2009, 07:18 AM
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Yes, there is grief. Mine came at about 3 months which baffled me because I thought it was too late and that I should be moving on by then.
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Old 12-22-2009, 07:40 AM
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As others have said.... It's not personal... it's just "What Addicts Do".
I had to keep reading the sticky post "What Addicts Do" until this sank in.
(My head gets this, sometimes my heart has trouble with it.)

Originally Posted by Impurrfect View Post
The pain? It takes a while, but as time goes by and we focus on moving on with our lives, those gut-wrenching days get farther and farther apart.
True. Eventually, as you go through the grieving process, the good days will
start to outweigh the bad days, and the time in between bad days will get
farther and farther apart.

(((HUGS))) The holidays seem to intensify these feelings. Just keep telling yourself you are doing the right thing for YOU and your sanity.
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Old 12-22-2009, 06:54 PM
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I'm going through the same thing. My classes just ended today, and I drove home so happy to be done for the semester. Then I started of thinking about my life with my ABF and I feel like I am back in the hole again. I didn't realize that the school was distracting so many of my anxieties.


Originally Posted by paprika View Post
I think I've pushed all this way to the back of my mind for several months so I could take my classes and take care of my kids. But now classes are over for now so it's overwhelming me again. I have to give up on the hope that he will someday at least understand. I'll find a new hope.
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Old 12-22-2009, 06:56 PM
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Thank you so much for posting this :')

Originally Posted by MrsMagoo View Post
Hi there. Merry Christmas.

My husband has been an addict all his life. When I met him, he had substantial clean time and was a substance abuse counselor. He relapsed. Several times. Finally, this past July, after multiple detoxes and treatment centers over the past two years, I told him to leave and never to come back. Life had been unmanagable for a very long time and I was weary of it and constantly living in fear.

He left. For the street. He was homeless (literally sleeping in his truck) for several months, binging on drugs and drinking. He finally found his way to a homeless shelter and lived in one of those for several months. In the shelter, amazingly enough, he got clean and found a transitional living facility for homeless veterans. He had to give clean urinanyliss for a month before they would take him and now he's going to be there for 12 to 18 months. He can stay as long as 2 years which he needs to do.

Statistically a person doesn't stop thinking like an addict for 18 mo. to 2 years. Post acute withdrawals.

The way I got through the madness was to stay very busy like you are. I threw myself into Celebrate Recovery, friends, family, work, etc. to keep my brain occupied and to quit worrying about whether my husband was dead in a crack house or dead in a ditch or behaving like a criminal to support his habit. He was in the same town. People I knew saw him and said he looked homeless and like an addict and oh my gosh, my stomach would knot up and I had to fight the urge so many times to charge in, rescue him and save the day.

I had to release him to God's care. Seriously. I would picture myself carrying him in my arms like a child and placing him at God's feet and walking away. I did this ALOT. I had to realize that what I had been doing in the past, cushioning his fall, was not helping him or me. I always gave him a soft place to land because I was the loving supportive wife. Letting him be homeless has been the hardest and most painful thing I have ever done. People on SR kept telling me to get out of the way and let the process work itself out and I refused to do it any way but my way and it bit me in the butt every time.

They were right. It's not about lack of love on the addicts part. They can't just stop and they can't care about anything but getting high until the high isn't enough for them anymore. It doesn't do the trick anymore and they are as miserable high as they are not being high. When they have had enough, they will stop (or die using). All you can do right now is take care of yourself. Love yourself enough to prepare to move forward with your life. Try not to feel guilty - be glad that you aren't an addict and that you DO have the ability to control your life and be successful. If he gets clean, he will most likely find you. If he gets in a program and works his steps, he may only reach you to make amends for the harm he's done. It's all a part of the healing process (for both of you).

Put one foot in front of the other every day and it will get easier. We have triggers too....a song, a place, maybe a certain food or movie. When you get triggered, feel what you need to feel and put one foot in front of the other again. Keep moving and don't get stuck like he is. Keep moving, keep living and live well - without guilt. That's the hardest part.
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Old 12-22-2009, 08:20 PM
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Originally Posted by MrsMagoo View Post
I had to release him to God's care. Seriously. I would picture myself carrying him in my arms like a child and placing him at God's feet and walking away. I did this ALOT.
This really hit me. He has stolen some things from me this week and now he won't answer my calls. But he won't leave either. I have asked him so many times to get out. Asked, begged, yelled, threatened. He won't leave. What will happen if I call the police?
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Old 12-22-2009, 08:27 PM
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more details -- is it YOUR home that he is in? you said he wont answer you call, but then said that he wont leave, so i'm fuzzy on where exactly he is, with you at home or somewhere else and stopping in when you're gone?
i think you have all the power if it is your house; you can change the locks/garage code.

when you ask about calling the police, would it be to remove him or to file a report of theft? i think it's always appropriate to call the police, even if only for advice. they know what they can and cannot do.

it sounds as if you might not be safe right now
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Old 12-22-2009, 08:47 PM
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When he goes out to party, he won't answer the phone. He lives with me. I moved out last year to get away from him. Then of course he couldn't make the house payments and he lost our house. So he asked to stay with me for a couple weeks and now it's been 6 months. He has no intention of leaving. I'm just so hurt and tired and depressed myself, it's hard to follow through with anything. And he knows that of course. I'm seeing a counselor and taking anti-depressants and he's trying to use that against me, telling me I'm the crazy one.
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Old 12-22-2009, 09:05 PM
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Well,I just called to police to ask about getting him out. And they said if the landlord goes to court and gets and eviction notice and he's served then if he violates that, I can call the police and they will throw him out. So I think I will do that.
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Old 12-22-2009, 09:22 PM
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Thank you everyone. I truly need your support and help.
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Old 12-22-2009, 09:23 PM
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Nope, lease is in my name and he hasn't paid a cent toward rent or utilities or food.
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Old 12-22-2009, 10:43 PM
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His reponse would be to come and threaten me I'm sure. I could do that but it takes strength from me to stand firm. I don't feel like I have that right now.
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Old 12-22-2009, 10:49 PM
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Your initial question was how do you get past the hurt and i've been thinking of what may have helped me because believe me, i know how hard and how deep the pain can be.

what helped me was to make a conscience effort to stay in the day i'm in, purposely not allowing myself to even think about tomorrow. i literally had to let my ah go, ONE DAY AT A TIME. each morning i remember reminding myself that i would let go today, i wouldn't allow myself to think too much about him that day, i learned to change my thoughts whenever he came to mind, i decided no contact for that day, all the same time, thinking that if i needed to, i could change my mind tomorrow.

i know its hard, i thought i would lose my mind somedays but my counselor told me that i didn't have to let go forever, just do it one day at a time and before you know it, it will began to hurt less, you'll have to fight thinking about him less and you will began to feel better. little by little, one day at a time, it does get easier. hope this make some kind of sense, any way, i'm still praying that it gets better for you real soon.

btw, i agree with cynical. it don't seem like you would have to go to the landlord when he's not suppose to be living there in the first place.
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