Holiday heartbreak

Old 12-19-2009, 04:13 PM
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Holiday heartbreak

I'm wondering is any of the seasoned members-either family of or those in recovery can help me to deal with the upcoming holidays. My AD is not in my home as of a few days ago. She did her 3rd detox & was released last week & does attend outpatient therapy daily. The big issue now is who she is running with-total strangers she has met at meetings that quickly become her best friends-mainly male. Her comings & goings at all hours of the night wth lame excuses were the final straw as well as the 3rd detox in 6 months-used while in outpatient. Christmas is 5 days away & my family is destroyed by this disease yet it seems to her there is lack of any concern as to the destruction she has caused. I have decided to go away for the holiday to my sisters & my AD was invited to dinner as well. I prefer to not have the stress of such & wonder how to broach this topic . Her dad disowned her 3 weeks ago after the 2nd theft of his credit card & I am certain he will not be seeking her out. As a mother I feel such guilt feeling this way. Any advice or experience from someone that's been where I am now? As it is as well I have bought her gifts that I am not ceratin I may give her. How sad this all is .
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Old 12-19-2009, 04:42 PM
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I haven't been through this, however, there's a couple of things I'd like to let you know about -

firstly, I don't know what kind of meetings your daughter is attending,
but the finest friendships I've ever made and keep are the ones I've made in Alcoholics Anonymous.

However, that said - you are right, in my opinion,
to be suspicious of male - female sudden
intense relationships in early recovery.
I've heard these called 'jitter house romances'
and they are always short lived, and caustic.

I can't advise you on the whole present thing,
but I hope you find the support and wisdom
you seek here at SR.
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Old 12-19-2009, 05:29 PM
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hi, sorry to hear about your daugher. i too met some good friends in meetings. i'm a recovering addict but it was my ah that brought me to this site. according to what you've posted, i'm sorry to say that to me it kind of sounds like your daugher may not be quite ready to quit. i pray that i''m wrong thought.

you have nothing to feel guilty about, none of this is your fault. maybe its time for you to focus more on you. your daughter is gonna do just what she choose to do until she is ready to stop. going to your sisters sounds like a good idea. maybe you could try going to a few extra alanon or naranon meetings for yourself. keep reading and posting, others will be along shortly with more support.

for me, it took for my family to take a step back and allow me to hit rock bottom, then and only then was i ready to get serious about recovery. in my opinion, you may be helping your daughter more by not allowing her to continue to take you down with her. i pray that she finds her way soon and i pray that your hp give you strength to let go and let god.
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Old 12-19-2009, 05:46 PM
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I'm an RA (recovering addict) as well as a codie. I agree that you need to take care of you, as she is going to do what she's going to do.

Like ((Teke)), my family allowed me to hit my bottom and find my way back up...I will forever be grateful to them. I'm also grateful that they went on with their lives - it gave me something to want to be a part of, once I got into recovery.

I know it's hard..I don't have an addict daughter, but I do have loved ones who are addicts. I can tell you that there was nothing anyone said or did to make me quit, other than step away and let me face the consequences of my using.

Hugs and prayers!!

Amy
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Old 12-19-2009, 06:24 PM
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Originally Posted by I'm tired View Post

Christmas is 5 days away & my family is destroyed by this disease yet it seems to her there is lack of any concern as to the destruction she has caused.
Two years ago, at Christmas time, my daughter was in rehab #3 in 12 days. This time she was in the mountains, 3000 miles from home with no money or ID to bolt.

She called me non stop, to beg, plead, threaten me and suicide if I did not allow her to come home. I was out of my mind with all this and all that preceeded this. I decided on Christmas Day to give my self a break and decided to not answer the phone or tend to the the voice mails being left. I accepted that there was nothing else I could do for her.

It was the begining, just a stub really, of taking back control of my own life.

It was about this time that I had an inkling that I had a choice in all this...to let her take me down with her or save myself. I had already done anything and everything within my power to give her opportunities to seek sobriety.
The rest was up to her.

If you decide to gift, do so knowing it's a gift with no strings attached.
Your daughter is going to do whatever she is going to do, or not. Enjoy your holiday with your sister and let go, just for one day.
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Old 12-19-2009, 06:44 PM
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Hi Tired....
I kicked my AD out in Sept. and told her I was done. Done with feeling guilty, done trying to get her to stop. Just plain done. And I started working on myself. I have both of her boys (ages 3 & 6) and the holidays have been hard. She was clean and working a program on Christmas, two years ago. What a blessing. Last Christmas was a nightmare. And this Christmas I am just trying to get through day by day. You see, she is not done yet. Right now she stays place to place and I do let her come see the kids. She is on suboxone and is not using right now (I don't think, but who knows) but she also is not working any kind of program. So she is still not ready...IMO. Any ways, I don't have any advice for you, just wanted to let you know that I DO feel your pain. And I know how you feel about spending the holidays with her. You love her, you would like for her to be there, but the anxiety of what might happen or not happens keeps our lives in utter chaos, if we let it. As for the gifts, I've decided to buy her a pair of shoes and a Snuggie. No strings attached.

My thoughts are with you. Here is hoping we will all have a peaceful Christmas.

As for me I am just gonna keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Gotahavfaith
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Old 12-20-2009, 10:40 AM
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I thank all that have responded to my post. I am trying to disengage & it is very difficult. I spoke to her dad today & was asked about her whereabouts--I have no idea . That in itself is hard as I imagine all sorts of horrid thoughts. She was always in touch with me so no contact is unusual . I will bake my sons cookies ( a long tradition) on Wednesday.. I will wrap the gifts I have for my family... I will pray as if MY life depends on it to allow me the strength to endure this agony of addiction as well as that He keep his arms wrapped tightly around her & keep her safe. I would give my life if it meant my daughter were to be given the freedom from addiction.
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Old 12-20-2009, 11:57 AM
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I'm tired: If i understand your original post correctly, you were asking for polite ways to broach the idea to your AD that you did not want her to come to your sister's house where you were going to also be spending a holiday dinner- that you just did not want to have the stress of your AD being there at your sister's with you...

Am i correct about that? If so, you could state that to your daughter in just the way you said it above - such as, "Dear daughter, i love you. I always will. But you are not welcome in my life, being that you are in active, untreated addiction, during the dinner at my sister's. I'm sure you'll find another place to go to for the holiday."

How's that? There have been plenty of us here who have done that. Now the debate that will come up is, "but you can't do that because it's your sister's call." To that i can only say that, in my case, i've disinvited my AS to wherever it is i am going to be. If my relatives communicated in any way that they did not want me to disinvite my AS to their gathering, i would respectfully tell them that, since it is their home, that i would respect their viewpoint, would extend the invitation to my AS, and then also let my relative know that i would not be there. And if anyone asked why, i would only say that i will not have untreated, active addiction in my life any more but that if my AS ever decides to seek recovery that i would support that in any way i could.

Handling these kinds of situations with decorum and in a way that does not cause drama is challenging, but it can be done successfully.

Hope that helps..
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Old 12-21-2009, 08:26 AM
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((I'mtired))

Please know that my heart goes out to you as does my prayers for comfort for you -

It is never a "good" time to have an active alcoholic/addict in your life, but it always seems to be so much more painful during those "special" occasions such as the holidays.

I have some similiar experiences as the others here do - with my daughter in jail, not seeing grandchildren, no knowing where she was at, mailing christmas gifts to my grandchildren - one yr I kept their gifts until the following March. I also was living with an Active AH too - Trying to detach from his behaviors and insanity.

It was sad, heartbreaking and stuff you think would never happen to you - but it does - it did and somehow we got thru it.

How did I? I trusted that there was something BIGGER than this Disease in control - although it didn't LOOK like there was - I knew in my heart there just had to be. I relied heavily on my "recovery" family - their experience, strength and hope helped me - I did good, healthy and recovery things for me and prayed that someday my Daughter would be able to do those same things for herself - that my AH would once again embrace sobriety.

Today, my AH is my ex ah - still on the path of destruction -

BUT my daughter celebrated 7 months of sobriety on 12/2 - She made the Dean's list this semester at our local university, she lives with 1 of her 3 children - takes care of her daughter about 70 % of the time and hopes to have full custody returned soon, sees her other son often and has a great p/t job. She loves herself and takes REALLY good care of herself in a healthy recovery way.

The girl that spent those holidays on the streets and in jail is buried deep - she and I both know that she could return at any moment - but my daughter follows her program and does what she needs to do to take care of her.

Please, do what is necessary to take care of YOU - it is truly the best gift you can do for yourself and for your loved ones. Your example of self-love and self-care touches many more people than you may ever know.

Peace, love and comfort to you!
HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)
Rita
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