Doing it all wrong, probably.. still hoping I can handle
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
i do understand the ups and downs, highs and lows, of life with an addict. but usually with the high points, there is an incredible amount of hope. sounds as though you are not hopeful about any recovery in this man's future, you are resigned to life with an active addict.
they never stay where they're at with their use. they always will move to levels of needing more and more of the same drug, or a more potent one, or way of administering it. there is no possibly way you know what you're in for - this is a first time learning experience for you.
your mental as well as physical health is already under attack, damned one: constant little bouts of stress do so much harm to your system and can trigger disease that you might not otherwise get (heart, cancers, stomach).
please stay in touch.
they never stay where they're at with their use. they always will move to levels of needing more and more of the same drug, or a more potent one, or way of administering it. there is no possibly way you know what you're in for - this is a first time learning experience for you.
your mental as well as physical health is already under attack, damned one: constant little bouts of stress do so much harm to your system and can trigger disease that you might not otherwise get (heart, cancers, stomach).
please stay in touch.
learning to live for me
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: East Coast, US
Posts: 215
Just to add to coffeedrinker's post-
She's right, addiction always gets worse. It is the nature of the disease. Progressive. Their tolerance will continue and with him being an opiate addict...that's a depressant to the respiratory system. What happens when he's too high to speak to you/get online? Will you call 911 when he overdoses (not IF)?
She's right, addiction always gets worse. It is the nature of the disease. Progressive. Their tolerance will continue and with him being an opiate addict...that's a depressant to the respiratory system. What happens when he's too high to speak to you/get online? Will you call 911 when he overdoses (not IF)?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 63
Wow alot of questions and replies, I'll try to answer each and every of them
32 soon...
I've spent nights and days researching, so yeah I know the consequences, and as I said, I'm ready to face them. And maybe with my name, I'm expressing my acceptance towards this, and if I was "damned" with loving an addict, I'll just learn to handle this, and not running away. He's a human being too, in my eyes he hasnt turned into a monster after I found out, I just consider it a medical issue. It was so hard to get used to the diea at the beggining, but the more I learn about opiate addiction, the more I feel ready to face it. Anyway, one thing I want to make clear, we will probably just be friends, so I won't have typical couple problems, between a clean person and an addict. Ofcourse, in my heart I consider him my soulmate, but I respect his wish to just be friends.
And to answer to your questions, I dont quite understand what "outside chatrooms means". We chat on MSN and in online games we play together. And wow, no he would never ask for money, he even refuses gifts... I can't imagine him asking me for money, then I'd think that aliens abducted him and he's gone lol.
I've heard this over and over again, and actually he flew to be with a girl he met online few years ago, so he's not the typical 60 y/o pretending he's younger on internet if that's the question heh.. as far as I know, other than the drug thing, he never lied about anything related to himself. But thanks for warning 
Well actually, he used to say "i love you" quite alot, until last year... but he always meant it as a friend. Then when the romance drama scared him, he started to keep a certain distance, being afraid that I will think he loves me in another way... =/. And yeah, he messed me completly, and kept doing it for 1 year now. It was all so great for exactly 1 year, then one day he had some rl issues then pushed me away, saying he doesnt want me to love him, and that I'm too into him, so he felt like he was standing in my way to finding my own happiness.. he was centre of my world, my life depended on him, and that scared the hell out of him. But instead of making things better for me, that simply destroyed me, my whole world fell around me, couldnt imagine going on without him, so i got very ill.. suicidal depression, my parents thought it was because of school, they even told me I can drop school because they were afraid I was goin to die =/. Well after 1 month of goin insane and crying every day, he came back and apologized for the way he treated me, and said he didn't want to lose me as a friend. We were ok again, but then he freaked out again and again randomly, due to misunderstandings and bcause of me thinking that maybe if I offer him love, he will quit drugs (yeah little naive me, I didnt know anything about addiction at that time). So I've had plenty of life-draning drama for the past 12 months, but now I hope it's all good. He doesn't have to hide his issues from me anymore, and I don't have to pretend I don't know whats goin on with him, at least.
We talked on microphone few times, but he doesnt have a webcam and is not hurrying to buy one, I've just seen him in pics. Phone would be way too expensive, as he lives exactly on the other side of the world >__>. And well, he lives alone, and i live with my parents, still.
your post makes me hair stand a little bit, but I appreciate your worries . I mostly lost hope because I know he will be taking his medication that he is abusing maybe for the rest of his life, as he has some bad chronical pain. He said to me so many times that he "cant function" without them, and I've seen him saying he cant imagine living without it, as a drug.. I know him, and I know that if he said that then I can't hope too much. But he has told me he knows what he's doing and he's safe. I'm trying to trust him and believe him, even though I've seen him gettin so messed several times, when he could barely type, and once while we were chatting he needed my assistance to call an ambulance cause he couldnt see anymore =/. But i've see him saying that everytime he gets weird things happening cause of a certain dose or mixing drugs together, he becomes very cautious.
As I said above, I witnessed him on internet (yeah that sounds very strange but you cant imagine how scary it can be watching him tripping and not being able to do anything, just wait for him to type something so I can calm down knowing he;s still alive). if anything, I just want to be near him at least, and take care of him.. there's no one to look after him, and he breaks my heart everytime he's feeling ill and needing someone to take care of him.
How old is he?
Only thing certain here is that you don't know what you are getting yourself into because you have not been in this situation, before. Addiction is progressive. There are only two outcomes, institutionalization and death.
That's the unvarnished brutal reality of addiction.
Have you progressed beyond talking in chat rooms? Has he asked you for money yet? And as for the screen name thing....it's meaning is not obvious to me.
That's the unvarnished brutal reality of addiction.
Have you progressed beyond talking in chat rooms? Has he asked you for money yet? And as for the screen name thing....it's meaning is not obvious to me.
And to answer to your questions, I dont quite understand what "outside chatrooms means". We chat on MSN and in online games we play together. And wow, no he would never ask for money, he even refuses gifts... I can't imagine him asking me for money, then I'd think that aliens abducted him and he's gone lol.
You've never met this man, it is quite possible he isn't the person you may think he is. Internet predators play all kinds of drama games and it sound to me like you are addicted to the drama.
Sweetie, it's your life to do with whatever you choose. So I can only wish you well.
Hugs
Sweetie, it's your life to do with whatever you choose. So I can only wish you well.
Hugs
Does he tell you he loves you? Or does he only vacillate between "you make life interesting" and "go away"? I remember before (if I'm correct) that you were saying he messed up your sleeping and eating patterns. Is he still doing that? Do you talk on the phone? Video/Webcam chat? Or just instant message/email? Who does he live with? Who do you live with? I'm just trying to get a better idea of the situation and understand the level of commitment you're professing to.
We talked on microphone few times, but he doesnt have a webcam and is not hurrying to buy one, I've just seen him in pics. Phone would be way too expensive, as he lives exactly on the other side of the world >__>. And well, he lives alone, and i live with my parents, still.
i do understand the ups and downs, highs and lows, of life with an addict. but usually with the high points, there is an incredible amount of hope. sounds as though you are not hopeful about any recovery in this man's future, you are resigned to life with an active addict.
they never stay where they're at with their use. they always will move to levels of needing more and more of the same drug, or a more potent one, or way of administering it. there is no possibly way you know what you're in for - this is a first time learning experience for you.
your mental as well as physical health is already under attack, damned one: constant little bouts of stress do so much harm to your system and can trigger disease that you might not otherwise get (heart, cancers, stomach).
please stay in touch.
they never stay where they're at with their use. they always will move to levels of needing more and more of the same drug, or a more potent one, or way of administering it. there is no possibly way you know what you're in for - this is a first time learning experience for you.
your mental as well as physical health is already under attack, damned one: constant little bouts of stress do so much harm to your system and can trigger disease that you might not otherwise get (heart, cancers, stomach).
please stay in touch.
. I mostly lost hope because I know he will be taking his medication that he is abusing maybe for the rest of his life, as he has some bad chronical pain. He said to me so many times that he "cant function" without them, and I've seen him saying he cant imagine living without it, as a drug.. I know him, and I know that if he said that then I can't hope too much. But he has told me he knows what he's doing and he's safe. I'm trying to trust him and believe him, even though I've seen him gettin so messed several times, when he could barely type, and once while we were chatting he needed my assistance to call an ambulance cause he couldnt see anymore =/. But i've see him saying that everytime he gets weird things happening cause of a certain dose or mixing drugs together, he becomes very cautious.
Just to add to coffeedrinker's post-
She's right, addiction always gets worse. It is the nature of the disease. Progressive. Their tolerance will continue and with him being an opiate addict...that's a depressant to the respiratory system. What happens when he's too high to speak to you/get online? Will you call 911 when he overdoses (not IF)?
She's right, addiction always gets worse. It is the nature of the disease. Progressive. Their tolerance will continue and with him being an opiate addict...that's a depressant to the respiratory system. What happens when he's too high to speak to you/get online? Will you call 911 when he overdoses (not IF)?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
You write well and are intellegent. Emotional maturity cannot however, be measured by IQ.
It sounds like you are emotionally obsessed with someone who is not available to you on many different levels, regardless of his addiction. His addiction is immaterial to the overall situation. This is about you and your reactions to someone who paid you some attention.
Can you seek a face to face meeting with a therapist at your university for some guidance? We all beneift from some trained support, from time to time.
It sounds like you are emotionally obsessed with someone who is not available to you on many different levels, regardless of his addiction. His addiction is immaterial to the overall situation. This is about you and your reactions to someone who paid you some attention.
Can you seek a face to face meeting with a therapist at your university for some guidance? We all beneift from some trained support, from time to time.
learning to live for me
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: East Coast, US
Posts: 215
I echo the posts of those above me. Based on your more detailed responses to our questions, it has done nothing but concern me more. Please, see a counselor or another adult that you trust and share some of your life with them. I really feel that you should talk to someone that can help you.
I am not discounting the value of meeting someone online and starting a relationship. But what is going on here is not a relationship. He has told you that he doesn't want that, that he doesn't love you, that he doesn't want you in his life, and that he's safe, he knows what he is doing when using drugs.
And yes, opiate addiction is the least of his problems. And of yours.
I say this lovingly. Please speak to someone in person about what's going on.
You're not doomed or 'damned' to stay committed to a relationship that doesn't exist.
I am not discounting the value of meeting someone online and starting a relationship. But what is going on here is not a relationship. He has told you that he doesn't want that, that he doesn't love you, that he doesn't want you in his life, and that he's safe, he knows what he is doing when using drugs.
And yes, opiate addiction is the least of his problems. And of yours.
I say this lovingly. Please speak to someone in person about what's going on.
You're not doomed or 'damned' to stay committed to a relationship that doesn't exist.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 63
thank you all for your concerns, but looks like there is a misunderstandingin what I said.. anctually more than one, but there are some things about myself that I haven't mentioned yet, and maybe things will make more sense after reading this post
First of all, I am aware of what's goin on, as I said, I know he doesn't love me and he never will, I got used to the idea that there will never be a relationship between us, I accepted to just be his "close friend" as he says, and I'm not goin to force him into another kind of relationship, even when I fly to him.
Now here comes the part which made me realise that the most important thing and which probably causes me to be stuck here and not wanting to change it, well the truth is that most of my time, I'm pinned to my computer chair, as I have some walking issues.. which means I use a wheelwalker to walk, so I can't hang out with my friends outside too much. Ofcourse I have alot of friends, and I'm not talking about university collegues, I mean generally. I'm a friendly person, and people say I'm a good listener and a good friend, but I can't go out with them.. I go to random parties whenever I got the possibility, but other than that or goin to university, I'm sitting here and staring at my computer screen waiting for him to say something =/. So yeah not much I can do for now, but I can get my medical issues fixed, and I will, but it will probably take me few years... also the reason for which I can't visit him yet.. he knows about it (told him recently), and his only comment about it was that he cant understand why i didnt tell him earlier.. oh well, sometimes people have strange reactions, i didnt want to freak him out, but he was ok with it.
other realtionship, yes... I've been single for 1 year now, after a 3 years realtionship went to hell.. usual breakup reasons, nothing out of common, just no one was expecting.. we were supposed to get married next year but I guess we were both young and stupid when we got together, and as time passed we both changed and stopped being compatible.. I wont get into details, as this is not what we were talking about here. But yeah, it was a rl relationship, with marriage plans and all.. and he didn't have any addictions or issues like this, it was just one normal relationship. No abuse in the past. if there was something that affected me emotionally while growing up, then it's my medical condition, even though I never ceased to consider myself normal.. but probably deep in my mind, my emotions are different from others cause of my lifestyle =/
And yes, my parents are open about this kind of things.. well my dad doesnt take these things seriously, and sometimes I talk to my mum about it. She doesnt quite realise how bad it is, but ofcourse she starts screaming as soon as I start talking about flying to see this guy. Sometimes she feels sorry for him and asks me how is he and if I talked to him lately.. but sometimes she gets mad and blames him for everything that goes wrong with school stuff and me not paying attention to things..
And the school thing.. wow, this was pretty bad actually, last year when this was goin on at it's best, I repeatedly skipped classes to stay with him, cause he wasnt feeling well and couldnt sleep. it was my last highschool year, so a very important year, as I had to take graduation exams, and university admission. Same year, the whole emotional drama with severe depression, but no one really realised what actually happened. Then back at school, I was telling people I was just tired, I'm a good actress, trying not to show any kind of pain, and masking my tired eyes behind heavy makeup. Close friends also know about it, they tel me to leave it, but none of them realises how bad it is either. They also know, whatever I'm ebing told, I'll still keep doing whatever I want to do so not much they can do.
Final thing.. the counseling.. I'm aware I'll have to push myself away from this man as soon as I seek professional help, and I don't want this.I've said ym reasons before, but now I can add some more. I read about people who healed their codependancy and are distracting themselves with things to do in their free time, but for now, I don't have much choice. I cant stay online all day and not think of him, every pixel reminds me of him (ok that sounded so nerdy lol) but it's true.. And god, my days would be all gloomy and unbearable, he's my everyday drug and the best thing that can happen to me during a day is having a nice normal (without arguing) conversation with him, or maybe hang out in an online game and fool around.
So yeah, I'm mostly "doomed" and my situation is hard to understand, and much different from anything you've seen before. it's not easy but I keep goin on. Maybe I'll change when I get my medical issue fixed, but I will still pay him a visit first, at least to give him a hug and stay with him for few days if he doesnt want me there with him forevever, and "more than friends".
I hope my post now clarified some things. Made me feel like super-antisocial cavewoman, but it's ok you guys couldnt really know whats goin on, so it's natural to think that I dont have alot of contact with real life after all those things I've said. But yeah, the truth doesnt look too good either
Anyway, I'm really surprised and happy at the same time, to find so much support and advices here (((HUGS))). I dont want to look like someone who's pushing away any kind of help I'm being offered, but the truth is that in the end I'll still do what i think I should do. But ofcourse, it's always good to have some other options and opinons from outside to think of and put in balance.
First of all, I am aware of what's goin on, as I said, I know he doesn't love me and he never will, I got used to the idea that there will never be a relationship between us, I accepted to just be his "close friend" as he says, and I'm not goin to force him into another kind of relationship, even when I fly to him.
Do you have friends outside of the internet? Do you have outside interests, hobbies, things you do for fun? Do your parents know about your online relationship? Is your school work affected by your obsession of a stranger? Have you ever been to counseling? Do you ever question yourself about why you are seeking out not only an emotionally unavailable but also a physically unavailable man? Have you had other relationships? Have you been abused in the past? Are you willing to do whatever it takes to get healthy and reclaim your life?
other realtionship, yes... I've been single for 1 year now, after a 3 years realtionship went to hell.. usual breakup reasons, nothing out of common, just no one was expecting.. we were supposed to get married next year but I guess we were both young and stupid when we got together, and as time passed we both changed and stopped being compatible.. I wont get into details, as this is not what we were talking about here. But yeah, it was a rl relationship, with marriage plans and all.. and he didn't have any addictions or issues like this, it was just one normal relationship. No abuse in the past. if there was something that affected me emotionally while growing up, then it's my medical condition, even though I never ceased to consider myself normal.. but probably deep in my mind, my emotions are different from others cause of my lifestyle =/
And yes, my parents are open about this kind of things.. well my dad doesnt take these things seriously, and sometimes I talk to my mum about it. She doesnt quite realise how bad it is, but ofcourse she starts screaming as soon as I start talking about flying to see this guy. Sometimes she feels sorry for him and asks me how is he and if I talked to him lately.. but sometimes she gets mad and blames him for everything that goes wrong with school stuff and me not paying attention to things..
And the school thing.. wow, this was pretty bad actually, last year when this was goin on at it's best, I repeatedly skipped classes to stay with him, cause he wasnt feeling well and couldnt sleep. it was my last highschool year, so a very important year, as I had to take graduation exams, and university admission. Same year, the whole emotional drama with severe depression, but no one really realised what actually happened. Then back at school, I was telling people I was just tired, I'm a good actress, trying not to show any kind of pain, and masking my tired eyes behind heavy makeup. Close friends also know about it, they tel me to leave it, but none of them realises how bad it is either. They also know, whatever I'm ebing told, I'll still keep doing whatever I want to do so not much they can do.
Final thing.. the counseling.. I'm aware I'll have to push myself away from this man as soon as I seek professional help, and I don't want this.I've said ym reasons before, but now I can add some more. I read about people who healed their codependancy and are distracting themselves with things to do in their free time, but for now, I don't have much choice. I cant stay online all day and not think of him, every pixel reminds me of him (ok that sounded so nerdy lol) but it's true.. And god, my days would be all gloomy and unbearable, he's my everyday drug and the best thing that can happen to me during a day is having a nice normal (without arguing) conversation with him, or maybe hang out in an online game and fool around.
So yeah, I'm mostly "doomed" and my situation is hard to understand, and much different from anything you've seen before. it's not easy but I keep goin on. Maybe I'll change when I get my medical issue fixed, but I will still pay him a visit first, at least to give him a hug and stay with him for few days if he doesnt want me there with him forevever, and "more than friends".
I hope my post now clarified some things. Made me feel like super-antisocial cavewoman, but it's ok you guys couldnt really know whats goin on, so it's natural to think that I dont have alot of contact with real life after all those things I've said. But yeah, the truth doesnt look too good either
Anyway, I'm really surprised and happy at the same time, to find so much support and advices here (((HUGS))). I dont want to look like someone who's pushing away any kind of help I'm being offered, but the truth is that in the end I'll still do what i think I should do. But ofcourse, it's always good to have some other options and opinons from outside to think of and put in balance.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: new york
Posts: 227
And the school thing.. wow, this was pretty bad actually, last year when this was goin on at it's best, I repeatedly skipped classes to stay with him, cause he wasnt feeling well and couldnt sleep. it was my last highschool year
I stopped reading after that hon. Obviously the 3 year relationship was not a "real" one. You'll have to wait a few years for that, at least until you're 20. Block him from your computer and go on a dating web site for your age group. Good luck.
I stopped reading after that hon. Obviously the 3 year relationship was not a "real" one. You'll have to wait a few years for that, at least until you're 20. Block him from your computer and go on a dating web site for your age group. Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 63
well I am 20 now, and my first relationship lasted from 15 to 18. He was 5 years older than me. And no, i'm not looking to date anyone, i had the chance after breaking up but I didn't want. And the blocking thing, there's no way I'd ever do that =/
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: new york
Posts: 227
And you said he was 32? Does it bother you that he's engaging in an internet relationship with someone who is old enough to be his daughter? You may think you love him, but trust me, you don't. In my eyes, this is an infatuation for you and a sick game for him. Borderlining on obsession. You reached out for honest support. That's about as honest as I can get.
This advice is coming from a 40 yr old woman with breast cancer and 2 young children who has been living with (and very much in love with) an addict. If I can let go...........................be young for yourself!
This advice is coming from a 40 yr old woman with breast cancer and 2 young children who has been living with (and very much in love with) an addict. If I can let go...........................be young for yourself!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Damnedone, I think you've gotten a lot of good advice above, and it will now be up to you how much, if any of it, you choose to apply to your current situation. It appears you do not intend to change what you're currently doing, and the community is essentially talking to itself now.
I wish you luck in this relationship and future ones - you are a bright young woman who deserves much out of life. But for now, as this conversation seems to have reached a natural stopping point, I will close this thread.
I wish you luck in this relationship and future ones - you are a bright young woman who deserves much out of life. But for now, as this conversation seems to have reached a natural stopping point, I will close this thread.
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