MOVED: Newcomer with Questions

Old 12-15-2009, 12:52 PM
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MOVED: Newcomer with Questions

Hello All!
Let me first start off by saying that I myself am not an addict to any drugs. I am simply here to gain information because I believe that my ex-girlfriend may have developed some serious problems. I am 21 y/o and she is 19 (age may have a lot to do with what's going on)
We had been together for about a year and a half, happy as could be. From the get-go it was obvious that we were so similar it was scary, and that way it remained throughout our relationship. We had plans to live together, finish school, and start our lives. She's a great girl with ambitions and talent in the art field. Within the last month, she got a new job and made some new friends (all of whom happen to be lesbians, but I don't think that has much to do with anything). From the time that she started spending a lot of time with these people, things have changed. She goes out drinking most nights with the promise to me that she'll be home, only to end up too drunk to drive and crashing at one of their apts. This went on for a few weeks, over and over the same thing. I'd plan dates, fun days together, whatever, and it was always trumped by her hangover or wanting to go out drinking. I was scared for her and feared that she was being brainwashed into things that aren't her. She's not a big drinker, so the fact that she was going out so much was weird.
Long story short, she dumped me a few weeks ago for what still appears to be no reason other than "it's just not there anymore."
After mauling all of this over in my head and blaming the alcohol, I've come to a new conclusion. She's always enjoyed taking adderall, although not prescribed to her. Every so often she'd grab one from a friend to study (that whole chestnut) and that'd be that.
Through talking with a friend of hers who has also been abandoned, i've learned that in these two weeks, she's only gotten worse. out every night drinking and spending time with these girls (i had my thoughts that maybe she's gay and realizing it, but adderall abuse makes more sense i think). She's lost 15-20 lbs in those two weeks, and from what I could tell only seeing her in passing at school, she's lost color in her face and looks horrible. Her sex drive had been down from the time that she started working there (which I associated with her sexuality) and she just wasn't interested in me in the least it seemed.
I believe that she may have found someone who has a serious problem themselves that has rubbed off on her. I only think this because when i was 19, i got mixed up in the wrong crowd, and myself tried almost everything. Haven't done anything but smoke a little grass since then and i'm proud of myself. But i know what it's like to want something and have it at your fingertips.

What I'm looking for I guess is for someone with this kind of experience to tell me if I may be onto something with these thoughts. Her symptoms are really this...
-Weight loss over a short period of time
-no sex drive
-depressed all the time and not happy with herself at all
-loss of interest in the people who really matter to her
-flunking school (from what I hear)
-no social life outside partying with these girls and only them

she's changed so rapidly it's just awful. I just want to know... does this sound like maybe an adderall or speed problem that's growing, alcoholism, or maybe her actually being gay... those are my thoughts and the more i look at everything a drug problem seems most likely.

thanks for taking the time to read my sob story and hopefully i can get some good advice from you folks.
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Old 12-15-2009, 01:09 PM
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Ann
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Welcome to SR, I'm glad you found us.

When anyone changes that dramatically over a short period of time, there is obviously something going on. Yes, it sounds like it could be drugs, particularly with her taking anything without a prescription. Your guess is as good as mine, probably better, but what matters here is that she has made the break from you and is not reaching out for help.

It's sad to lose someone we care for, it's sad to watch them destroy themselves, but the truth is that there is nothing we can do to change anyone, particularly someone who may have an addiction. If love could save these people, not one of us would be here.

This is bothering you or you wouldn't be here. It's not easy to let go and it's not easy to move on, so there are no easy choices here, but there is the good choice to work on your issues and begin to heal and regain your balance.

Take a read around, particularly the sticky posts at the top of this forum. There is a lot of good information there, and a lot of people here who will be along to welcome you and share their experience, strength and hope.

Hugs
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Old 12-15-2009, 06:53 PM
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cmc
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Hello rskehres. Welcome to SR.
You are very wise to seek out help regarding all that's going on with your friend and how her choices and lifestlye changes are affecting you both. As Ann has said, it's not easy to watch someone harm themselves (and others) with alcohol or drugs.

The focus of this forum, just like at Naranon and in Al-Anon meetings; is on _you_ and that is how we help one another, by sharing from our experience what works.

There's help to be found and you don't have to face this all by yourself. There are ways to learn how to detach from the chaos and yet still care about somebody like your exgf.

The main thing I learned by coming here and attending Al-Anon....in a nutshell.... is to realize that what someone else decides to do is out of my control. I can only control my own actions and reactions to what somebody else does. I also learned that much of what I was doing to 'help' was most often not helpful to the addict nor to myself. There are ways to offer support to a person without allowing it to drag me down to the level they are at.

Again, I'm so glad you decided to come here to share your story and ask for support.
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Old 12-15-2009, 10:42 PM
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I echo what they said above. I've learned that when someone in my life says 'its over', they mean it. I shouldn't try to convince them otherwise. Her sexual identity may have something to do with it. At her age, it is a good possibility that she's confused/exploring. ( I know I was). And the LGBT population unfortunately has a higher percentage of substance abuse. But its not an excuse, and regardless of why she is acting this way (i.e. blowing you off, drink ing way too much, etc.) its good to stay away from her. Time will tell.
Thanks for sharing your story!
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Old 12-16-2009, 07:44 PM
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i guess my hunch runs along the lines of what breakingfree said. almost 0 to 60 in 10 seconds - sounds pretty darn sudden, that part doesn't quite make sense to me. i suspect she has been using more than just now and then all along, but hiding it from you. but, even though you're dying to find out, and try and make sense of everything, unless you give her truth serum, you probably simply cannot. what truly matters is that you work on healthily moving on, learning your own life lessons.
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